


Zhen Qing Shi Gan (Summer's Child)

by DeviyudeThoolika



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Because why not., Darren Chen is in there somewhere too..., Just an exploration of these two, Karma is Xiao Zhan’s bitch., M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Wang Yibo & Xiao Zhan - Freeform, Zhen Qing Shi Gan, because Yibo is a unicorn like that, possibly pheromone kink, since the Untamed, who have been living in my head rent free, zsww - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:47:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 99,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeviyudeThoolika/pseuds/DeviyudeThoolika
Summary: "How do they have these many pictures of him staring at you? Dear Lord." He heard Lisa again and sighed internally before glancing at her phone screen. He had seen the pictures many times, it was hard not to given how many of them there were. In almost all of them, there was Yibo staring at him with that sort of adorably earnest expression of his."These are the worst!" she said now, turning the phone screen in his direction, although he now noticed that she was fanning herself. He could imagine what this picture was before he even looked at it. And yes, there it was. Yibo could sometimes look at you like he wanted to devour you whole. Xiao Zhan didn't know how Yibo didn’t realize it."Those are for photoshoots." He said out loud now, more for his benefit than for Lisa's. Even with all his stares of adoration and all the crazy hitting and teasing that Yibo did like a teenager with a crush, Xiao Zhan was still not convinced that Yibo felt any of the crazy feelings that he himself felt.For Xiao Zhan, Yibo always managed to give both too much and too little all at the same time.
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 885
Kudos: 1288





	1. Too Much and Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Zhen Qing Shi Gan (Filho do Verão)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050228) by [SnowySpacePeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowySpacePeach/pseuds/SnowySpacePeach)



  
"Are you ignoring me?" He heard the question from behind him and paused a moment to hide his sigh. A moment later, he felt the finger poke his back. It arched, although not just in reflex and not before spreading shivers from where he had felt the touch, unwelcome as the sensation was. Given that this was now going on two years, he really thought his body should have acclimated.

He put on a fake smile and turned around to face Wang Yibo.

He saw the frown on Yibo's face disappear. There was nothing there now. Yibo's expression had closed off. Xiao Zhan felt a pinch in his chest. How the boy managed to twist him up inside out even after all this time was still a mystery. He steeled himself against any feeling and kept the smile in place, shaking his head.

"What's up?" he asked, keeping him tone polite.

This time it was Yibo who shook his head. And just like that, he turned away. His pride was almost as fragile as his ego and the effect of both was on quiet display as he walked away. Yibo's bodyguard sent a silent look in his direction and he sighed, a bit more openly. The older man gave a slight nod, almost as if he understood what Xiao Zhan could never say or show before he followed Yibo out the room.

He turned around and faced the wall again, leaning his forehead against it.

Given how crazy their schedules were, he couldn't even guess how long it would be before they saw each other again. As much as he wanted to create distance between them, when he did things like this and Yibo reacted the way he did, he wished things were otherwise. If he felt even a bit differently, he wouldn't have to make it so awkward between them. Awkward enough that Yibo would stop even trying.

"If he keeps this up, you are going to get shit for it. You gotta somehow tell him to stop." He heard the voice next to him and looked at the petite form of his manager, Lisa. She was going through her Instagram feed, which was filled with every possible news on him and Yibo. He swore that she knew every single fan of his, every single fan of Yibo's, and then of course every single CP fan who wanted Xiao Zhan and Yibo to spend their eternity together.

Things had been much simpler two years ago when they had done their show together. Then their only hope had been for the show to at least get enough viewers to not be an abysmal failure. That the reverse would happen, that the show – and through it, he and Yibo – would go onto break records in viewership and ratings – and not just nationally, but even beyond, was not a thought that he had entertained even in his wildest dreams.

Through it all, the overnight fame, the endorsements, the breakneck pace of his schedule, the lack of sleep, the insane and crazy fandom that had risen up almost overnight, there had been only one thing that had remained steady. Yibo.

Hell, even he himself had changed, Xiao Zhan knew. It was hard not to. While he had not been one to trust easily before, he had always been jovial. Quick to laugh. Not afraid to take things lightly. Open to trying new things, meeting new people. Now, he was anxious all the time. He could feel it. If he was idle for even a brief moment, he knew he would start to feel ants in the pit of his belly. He did a good job hiding it. Generally. Most people he met nowadays found him well-spoken, amiable, grounded. Some found him adorable, even. He used his million-watt smile to smooth over any apprehension he felt. And it usually worked. It was all very carefully and meticulously constructed. He couldn't afford to be any other way.

But then there were moments like this when he saw Yibo. The only person – other than his parents – who knew with just a glance when he was putting on an act. Sometimes he didn't know how the boy was only 22 when he seemed as if he had lived forever. And at other times, Xiao Zhan felt the weight of being 6 years older, wishing Yibo would at least pretend to care about the opinions of others. That it was the luxury of his youth that he only did as he wished... cared to please no one unless he wanted it.

"How do they have these many pictures of him staring at you? Dear Lord." He heard Lisa again and sighed internally before glancing at her phone screen. He had seen the pictures many times, it was hard not to given how many of them there were. In almost all of them, there was Yibo staring at him with that sort of adorably earnest expression of his.

"These are the worst!" she said now, turning the phone screen in his direction, although he now noticed that she was fanning herself. He could imagine what this picture was before he even looked at it. And yes, there it was. Yibo could sometimes look at you like he wanted to devour you whole. Xiao Zhan didn't know how Yibo didn’t realize it. For all that he was older, Xiao Zhan could not maintain eye contact even during something as mundane as photo shoots when Yibo went into this mode. His gaze would be so intense… and he could hold it until someone said, "cut". And then he would blink and that gaze would just disappear.

"Those are for photoshoots." He said out loud now, more for his benefit than for Lisa's. Even with all his stares of adoration and all the crazy hitting and teasing that Yibo did like a teenager with a crush, Xiao Zhan was still not convinced that Yibo felt any of the crazy feelings that he himself felt.

"Yea, okay. Have you ever seen him look at anyone else like that during a photoshoot? Hell, even in dramas where he has had to physically be intimate, have you ever seen him look like that?"

"I'm sure I have." Xiao Zhan answered. Not true. He has seen almost all of Yibo's videos – photoshoots, award shows, dramas, motorcycle races, skateboarding videos, hosting gigs, anything and everything that was ever recorded of Yibo, really – and never has he seen Yibo look at anyone like that.  
Instead of making him feel special, it just made him confused.

"God, he is beautiful." He heard Lisa sigh now, her voice a whisper, and turned to look at her. Even she, Xiao Zhan's greatest and most ardent supporter, was not immune to Yibo's appeal.

He didn't answer, but looked at the picture that Lisa was looking at. It was a shoot that they had done for Bazaar Magazine almost a year ago. He had to give it to the styling team from that shoot. They had truly managed to make them look like something from another world. As good as he himself had looked, Yibo had been a sight to behold, so much so that it had driven Xiao Zhan to distraction during the shoot. There was a video of that floating around somewhere; he had jokingly lifted the edge of the long almost luminous cloth that had been Yibo's outfit. Yibo had hit him in return and had asked what he was doing and Xiao Zhan had scoffed and said that he was just confirming his gender, even going so far as to call him Venus teasingly – audible clear as day in the recording. That had earned him another whack, but Yibo responded to every emotion by hitting. Xiao Zhan was the main and – for the past two years – the only recipient of all the hitting. Their fans had concluded that this all meant that Yibo was irredeemably in love with him. He wanted to ask them to live in his shoes for a few days and deal with Yibo so they could really feel all the love.

"So..." Lisa said and he turned to look at her. She had caught him staring.

She raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he asked. "It's an objective truth. He does look beautiful in those pictures. You don't have to be in love with him to appreciate how aesthetically gifted God has made him."

She stuck her tongue into her cheek and gave him a smirk. "Aesthetically gifted... Oh Xiao Zhan, you do have a way with words."

He shrugged.

"And I never said you were in love with him." She remarked now.

He turned away from her. That had been a slip on his part. She of course had said no such thing.

"Even though you clearly are..." She added.

"I am not going through this again." He said, turning around to make sure to look her in the eyes as he said it. She made it a point to call him out whenever he evaded eye contact. Often when defending his platonic feelings towards Yibo.

She held his gaze for a long moment and then her expression turned serious.

"You have to talk with him, Zhan."

"What am I going to say to him? Stop staring at me? They are taking pictures? It's not like he doesn't know that we are under a microscope all the time."

"Does he though? He appears to have no awareness of his surroundings when you are around." She remarked, lifting that eyebrow again.

Now his sigh was rather loud as he sank down onto the nearby couch.

Thinking of this made his head hurt.

Yibo was a conundrum unlike any he had ever met.

For all that Yibo had grown up essentially in the entertainment industry, he had little artifice to speak of, even as a measure of self-protection. If he wasn't so good looking, Xiao Zhan doubted that Yibo would have made it thus far. Although to be fair, Yibo was also notoriously unsociable. Artifice he may lack, but as he rarely appeared on a social scene without being paid to be there, Yibo's reputation often tended to precede him. He was as cold as he was beautiful. People were often intimidated. He could wither you to ashes with only a glance. And he could be savage with the press. Truly. If they made him annoyed with their questions, his answers could be cutthroat, but almost as if to make up for it, he would crack a slight smile at the end, edging it out of the territory of being outright rude. He really was the cliché ice prince. Although in Yibo's case, while the ice prince persona held true to most people around him, with Xiao Zhan and a few select others, he turned into the antithesis of his reputation.

With him especially, Xiao Zhan acknowledged, Yibo was impossible not to fall for... guileless and entirely transparent... with almost no care taken to protect his open and fragile heart. Xiao Zhan had noticed that Yibo was especially sensitive when it came to him. If even a small part of the polite façade that he showed others came through when he talked to him, Yibo would shut down or walk away. It was that easy for him. While Xiao Zhan always ended up feeling torn in eight different ways.  
For Xiao Zhan, Yibo always managed to give both too much and too little all at the same time.

\------------------------

Comments = Love :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/FVzZ2Reup2g. (THE Bazaar shoot)  
> https://youtu.be/nqo3ZkNaXBM (Venus)


	2. Chicken & Beer

He made it to a whole week before texting Yibo. When his pride was hurt, Yibo could be as stubborn as a mule. And this time around, Xiao Zhan had been counting on that stubbornness to hold so that he could cut off contact. Except he had not anticipated that he himself would be the first one to yield...

  
"I'm not ignoring you." He sent the text, picking up on their last conversation as if no time had lapsed.

He saw the Read message several minutes later, but there came no answer.

He had little chance to look at his phone until almost 2 in the morning due to shoots, but there was still nothing from Yibo.

When another 24 hours had gone by without hearing from Yibo, Xiao Zhan texted again, this time against his better judgment.

"What do you want from me?" was all it said. He had sent the message in the afternoon right before he had left for an event and had purposely left his phone behind in his hotel room so that he wouldn't be preoccupied with whether there was an answer or not.

When he got back home that night, he made himself wait until he changed and got in bed before checking his messages, and this time there was a one-word text waiting.

"Nothing." It said.

He sat there staring at his phone for close to ten minutes. Before he knew it, he was scrolling through his Instagram feed. There were pictures galore of The Untamed, a lot of fanart of his and Yibo's characters from the show, some of which were incredibly explicit, and some of which were so beautiful it was sublime. But mostly, his feed was filled with Yibo.

He shouldn't have looked through the pictures, because after the 20th picture, he found himself dialing Yibo's number.

There was a strong possibility that he wouldn't pick up, but then Xiao Zhan heard a voice answer at the other end after the third ring.

"Yea." Yibo's voice has naturally deep, but it was an octave lower now when he was being icier than usual.

"Where are you?" Xiao Zhan asked.

There was a pause at the other end, a rather long one, before he heard the name of a hotel not even ten miles from his own.

"I didn't know you were in town." He said in surprise.

There was no answer to that.

He had just assumed that Yibo was in Hengdian, on the shoot for the drama he was filming now.

"You want some chicken and beer?" He asked, on impulse. Even as he said it, he was wondering how he would actually get some chicken and beer at this time of night and make it over to Yibo's hotel.

"No." he heard at the other end.

He felt a tightness in his chest. Yibo sounded colder than he had ever done before.

"But you can come over." Yibo spoke again, his voice softer now.

"In 15." Xiao Zhan said as he leapt off his bed and ran to his closet to pull on some jeans.

"Wait, wait." He heard Yibo at the other end.

"What?" He asked, pausing in pulling up his zipper.

"Seriously? You're coming over?" Yibo sounded surprised.

"Yes." Xiao Zhan hung up the phone before Yibo could ask more or his own sound mind intervened to alert him how foolhardy this was.

He put on his mask and hat and put on an extra heavy jacket to disguise his shape. He was convinced that he had the most discreet and steadfast bodyguard on the planet when, instead of asking questions of where and why he was going in the middle of the night, John simply figured out which backstairs to take and which decoy to send where before bringing his own car around to take Xiao Zhan to Yibo's hotel.

It took 30 instead of 15, but when he was finally outside Yibo's door, he was already thinking of what Lisa was going to say about this when she found out tomorrow.

He raised his hand to ring the bell, but before he touched the switch, the door opened and he was yanked inside.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He heard Yibo's whisper as he shut the door and looked through the peephole. There was no one outside; John had made sure of that.

"Where's Singer?" Xiao Zhan asked instead of answering the question, looking around for Yibo's bodyguard.

"He went to get chicken and beer." Yibo answered, finally turning back around from his peephole perusal.

He looked at Yibo in surprise. "You did not send him to get chicken and beer at this time of night!"

"He is going to search for it for about 2 hours." Yibo answered, raising an eyebrow.

"What the fuck are we doing?" Xiao Zhan sighed, leaning back against the wall. "Sneaking around like we are having an affair!"

Yibo scoffed as he walked into the room. "That's all because of you. If you cared less about what people said, you wouldn't have to sneak over. Which I cannot believe you actually did!" Yibo now turned around to look at him, his expression incredulous.

"Are you crazy?" He asked, hitting Xiao Zhan on the arm, and Xiao Zhan felt an unexpected rush of relief. This was the Yibo that he knew. Quick to smile, quick to hit, quick to anger.

"If you had answered my text, I wouldn't have to do crazy shit." Xiao Zhan answered, not attempting to hit back like he usually did.

"So all I have to do to get you to do crazy shit is to ignore you?" Yibo asked, hitting him again.

Xiao Zhan caught Yibo's arm when he raised it to hit him a third time.

Yibo's gaze changed, and he looked at the hand that held him. His gaze swung back to Xiao Zhan's face as he lifted his other hand to hit him.

Xiao Zhan caught that one as well and looked at Yibo once more, raising one eyebrow.

There was a long moment when Yibo stared at him, his eyes taking on that gleam that made Xiao Zhan lose focus. Before the confusion could cross into the realm of awkward, Xiao Zhan let go of Yibo's hands, forcing a laugh and turning around to walk into the room.

He didn't hear Yibo following him, but kept walking to the couch nevertheless. He sat down and turned on the TV, pretending to flip through the channels until he finally saw Yibo move out of the corner of his eye.

He breathed a sigh of relief and finally focused on the TV. He didn't have to flip too far before he saw himself on one of the channels. It was a commercial for a cosmetic brand and he tried not to internally cringe as he saw himself rolling up a tube of lipstick. He tried to flip to the next channel quickly, but Yibo had already seen it.

Xiao Zhan saw Yibo's smile as he took a seat next to him and plopped back against the cushions.

"Oh, get over it. It's just a job. See how many eyeshadows I have to sell?"

"Yea, but you somehow make it look cool." Xiao Zhan said as he too fell back against the cushion. It was the first time in two weeks that he could truly exhale in peace. It must be because Yibo had no patience or skill for putting on airs. Yibo's bullshit radar was quite sensitive and he made it a rule to have little contact beyond the minimum with people who expected such an act from him.

Yibo shrugged now, in tacit acknowledgment of his ability to sell anything and everything, no matter to which gender. He was the most masculine yet beautiful man Xiao

Zhan had ever met, owning his physical appeal like someone who had never had reason to doubt its effect on others. But, other than for work, Xiao Zhan had never seen Yibo use it to personal advantage. Or maybe he has never had reason to.

They were silent for some time after that, Xiao Zhan still flipping aimlessly through the channels, passing by several featuring their commercials.

"How long do you think it's going to last?" he asked after a while. He had not given a context to that question, but like he usually did, Yibo appeared to know exactly what he was talking about.

"Not as long as you want." Yibo answered.

Xiao Zhan sighed, looking at Yibo. "Not as long as I want? What does that mean?" he asked.

"My theory on this is just going to piss you off. So, leave it." Yibo stated after a sigh, sinking deeper into the cushions behind him.  
They had only talked about their fame in very general terms before, never at depth, and compared to Yibo's, Xiao Zhan's experience of this level of craziness from fans was new.

"Indulge me." He said, hitting the side of Yibo's leg that he had now propped up on the table in front of them.

When he heard nothing after a moment, he looked in Yibo's direction and saw that he was looking at him.

He lifted an eyebrow in question.

Yibo shrugged as if to say 'don't say I didn't warn you.' "You indulge your fans too much. They think they own you. And the more they think that, the more you feel like they do too."

Xiao Zhan felt like this was his fiftieth sigh of the day as he sunk down fully into the couch.

"What other option do I have? Not everyone can be an ice prince like you, skateboarding away from the hordes when they chase after you."

When Yibo said nothing in response, Xiao Zhan lifted his head to look in his direction.

Yibo was looking at him, and when he caught his eye, he shrugged just like before.

"You can hop on behind me, you know, I have gotten pretty fast." Yibo smiled now and Xiao Zhan stared.

For all that the masses thought Xiao Zhan had the million-watt smile, he thought it was really Yibo who had that sort of smile that melted hearts galore. Xiao Zhan found his own smile rather innocent and disarming, too wide to be any real threat to anyone's peace of mind, while Yibo's smile – as rare as it showed itself – truly was the kind that ruined your concentration.

He must have stared too long because Yibo stopped smiling. Xiao Zhan looked away quickly, grabbing the remote again.

There was another long moment of silence and he increased the volume on the tv as though it would drown out the awkwardness he felt.

This is why he couldn't spend too much time alone with Yibo. He was sure that he would somehow give himself away. As much as Yibo liked him, Xiao Zhan didn't think his sexual preference ran in this direction. Although it was not clear that it ran in the other direction either. He had actually never seen Yibo show any sort of attraction to anyone. Even the past girlfriend that Yibo was rumored to have been with, Xiao Zhan was not convinced was anything more than a publicity stunt orchestrated by Yibo's management to smooth over Yibo's evident disinterest in the opposite gender. But at that time, Yibo had not been so openly shipped by a large swath of his fanbase with a co-star, and a male one at that. While Yibo's management was not going to openly condone such a pairing – only inviting the censure of the all-seeing eyes all around them – they were also keen on cashing in on their popularity, as was Xiao Zhan's own. The fact that there were still BTS videos – both official and unofficial – being released from two years' ago when their show had been shot, was evidence enough that this had become a bonafide cash-cow for all involved. It was a catch-22; too much of their CP and all their future projects with other co-stars suffered. Too little, and you missed all the ways in which this most popular pair of the year could be monetized. Which essentially meant that preserving any real aspect of their actual relationship was entirely left up to the two of them. And Xiao Zhan had lived long enough to know that if it had been anyone other than Yibo, their relationship – however good it may have been in the beginning – would have already fallen prey to all the detractors involved and the rivalry it would inevitably create. As much as Yibo liked making money, Xiao Zhan got the feeling that Yibo's personal relationships were so few that he did not treat them lightly. Or thought any amount of money was worth fucking it up for.  
He himself, on the other hand, he was unsure of. Compared to Yibo, all his intentions seemed less than pure. As much as he enjoyed Yibo's friendship, he was also in the throes of an infatuation that he could not seem to kick. He cared way too much about how they were perceived in public and was painfully aware of every movement of Yibo's in relation to him if Yibo was within even ten feet of him. How much to look, how much to not look, how often to look, how often to pretend to ignore, it was exhausting... All the more so because Yibo took no such precautions.

There were other fears too... he was way too afraid of letting down his fans and the staff who counted on him... of being a one-hit-wonder vanishing into oblivion after the craze wore off... he was afraid of turning down advertisements even when he knew he literally had no second to breathe in his schedule and afraid that the public was likely becoming fatigued by his visuals everywhere selling them everything from detergent to lipstick and everything in between... he was afraid of seeing any of his family or old friends for fear that they would be mobbed or targeted, he was afraid of saseangs fighting imaginary battles that they thought they needed to fight for him... he was afraid of offering any rebuke in the direction of his fans because, even if he didn't want to admit it, Yibo was right, he couldn't help but feel that in some respects, his fans owned him. He was afraid of... everything, it seemed. His choices were entirely selfish, focused on minimizing damage and getting through this wave of fame that was threatening to swallow his sanity. But he was also afraid of not being able to ride it out.

"I wish I could be more like you." He finally said out loud, after what seemed an eternity.

There was a moment of pause before Yibo answered. "Why? You don't know anything about me, really."

He let Yibo's words sink in for several moments, feeling a fury build inside. What the fuck was he doing here anyways. Coming here had been a stupid thing to do.

He got off the couch and started to pull on his coat.

"What?" he heard Yibo ask, but did not look in his direction as he zipped up his coat and walked to the hallway.

Yibo was behind him in a heartbeat, pulling on his arm. "Why are you so upset?"

Xiao Zhan didn't look at him as he pulled Yibo's hand off and walked further down the hall, taking his mask out of his coat pocket to put it on.

Yibo pulled him back by the arm again, this time pulling off the mask.

"Stop!" Xiao Zhan said, reaching his hand out for the mask.

Yibo merely threw it onto the couch before he turned around to face Xiao Zhan again.

"You're making me angry now!" Xiao Zhan's voice rose a bit as he walked towards the couch to get the mask.

"You're already angry!" Yibo said as he pulled Xiao Zhan back by the arm again, preventing him from moving towards the couch.  
Xiao Zhan took a deep breath and tried to collect his thoughts. He needed to leave before he became even more upset. He didn't want to get into a battle of wills with Yibo. Yibo didn't know when or how to back down, especially when it came to Xiao Zhan. It didn't matter how irate Xiao Zhan had gotten in the past with him, Yibo could keep going. But Yibo had also never seen Xiao Zhan truly upset. It was best not to let it get to that point.

"This was a mistake, me coming here. You're right, I don't know anything about you. To think I took such a reckless worthless risk to come see someone I know so little about in the middle of the fucking night!" His voice rose at the end, betraying his emotion, and he looked away, turning back towards the couch.

"I'm sorry, ok?" Yibo pulled Xiao Zhan back towards him, this time grabbing his other elbow as well. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

Yibo's tone was soft, placating now and Xiao Zhan could see that he truly was contrite. It ebbed his anger, but otherwise the damage had already been done. He felt no awkwardness anymore, just a bit empty now that the anticipation and ardor that had temporarily assuaged that feeling before disappeared. The fatigue of the past several weeks and months returned now full force and he wanted to go back to his hotel room, be alone again and fall into a dreamless sleep.

"It's ok." He said, gently extricating his hands from Yibo's.

He walked to the couch to get his mask and put it back on.

He had been about to turn around when he felt Yibo's arms go around him from the back.

"Don't leave... Please..."

Xiao Zhan stood still, afraid to move, mostly from shock.

"I'm sorry..." he heard Yibo's whisper as his arms tightened around him.

He felt goosebumps break out all over the back of his neck and arms and closed his eyes.

There have been times in the past, particularly when they were still shooting their show, that Yibo had touched him in affection rather than all the playful aggression he showed, some of them more daring than others, but never when they were alone, and definitely not like this.

Yibo was almost notoriously averse to touch, the only exceptions being his previous bandmates. He was at the receiving end of a great deal of brotherly affection from the co-hosts of his variety show, which he clearly enjoyed a great deal. Otherwise, he tended to shy away from being touched, which had all the more convinced the spectators of all the Untamed BTS videos that Yibo was in love with Xiao Zhan with how free he was with physical touch.

However, for Xiao Zhan, the actual recipient of all of Yibo's unrestraint, the line had still never been crossed before. He had always felt that Yibo craved physical affection in the same manner a child craved it, in an entirely unadulterated way. He had a theory that Yibo shied away from physical touch mainly because he couldn't be quite sure that it was not because people wanted him in THAT way. Xiao Zhan thought that Yibo touched him so much only because he often stood still for Yibo to touch, and never initiated a touch that could be misconstrued. Which had all led to this moment...

What should he make of this moment? He stood still and thanked God for the low lighting in the room for hiding most of his face, not that Yibo could see much of his face anyways from the back, but still...

"You're so confusing." Xiao Zhan finally whispered out loud when he couldn't take it anymore.

He thought Yibo would let go of him at this admission, but he did not move. He didn't say anything either.

They stood that way without moving until they heard the doorbell.

It startled Xiao Zhan so much that he jerked out of Yibo's embrace.

He turned to see Yibo smirk as he said, "There's the chicken and beer. I'm going to get you shit-faced today."

And sure enough, when Yibo opened the door, it was Singer there holding out two bags with the wafting smell of fried chicken and the perspiration from the ice-cold cans of beer.  
\-------------------------------

Singer nodded in his direction and Xiao Zhan nodded back. Then the bodyguard was gone, leaving the two of them alone.

Xiao Zhan had a voice-over session tomorrow for one of his dramas that had gone into post-production. He couldn't commit to a full-on "shit-face" but as he didn't have to worry about showing his face anywhere, he could allow the inebriation of a couple of beers.

"You don't have a schedule tomorrow?" he asked Yibo, sitting down on the floor next to the coffee table as Yibo brought out plates. Xiao Zhan found that he had little appetite for the chicken, but opened a beer and leaned against the table, grabbing the remote to turn the TV back on.

"I have a promotional thing at a motorcycle dealership not far from here. That's all."

Xiao Zhan smiled as he grabbed a few cushions off the couch to plop down behind him.

"More scandalous pictures then..." he said as he slid back against the cushions.

Yibo had posed with a girl at his last motorcycle event, which had gone viral, causing all manner of speculation.

"I think you should look up the definition of scandalous." Yibo rolled his eyes as he grabbed a beer for himself. "Throw me a pillow." Xiao Zhan threw one of the cushions to him, but instead of moving back, Yibo placed the cushion by Xiao Zhan's foot and lay down on it.

He started to move his foot back, but Yibo held it in place, saying, "You're good. I'm fine."

"Well, I feel weird." Xiao Zhan said as he moved his foot away.

"Why? You have nice feet." Yibo remarked casually as he took the remote from him to flip through the channels.

He was taken aback by that comment, but kept his tone neutral as he said, "Even if that were true, I wouldn't want it in someone's face."

Yibo shrugged, but said nothing else as he adjusted the cushion and leaned against it.

They were quiet for a while after that as Yibo found a motorcycle race that he wanted to watch. Xiao Zhan didn't mind and appreciated the time that it gave him to indulge in his thoughts while Yibo was otherwise preoccupied.

Indulging in his thoughts ended up being indulging in watching Yibo, which he could do without issue given how they were seated. Yibo was obsessed with anything and everything related to motorcycles, which meant he would hardly notice being ogled to abandon.

After a few moments, just as Xiao Zhan had known he would, Yibo started biting his nails. Xiao Zhan found it an endearing habit, as it was one of the few tells that Yibo suffered anything similar to apprehension. He usually seemed unbothered by most things.

"Stop staring at me." Yibo said just then, startling him.

He felt the heat of embarrassment rush down his neck and knew his ears turned vivid red.

He didn't say anything in return and instead focused on downing the rest of his beer in one gulp. Staying had been a mistake indeed.

He wondered how to make an exit without any further fanfare to go drown in his mortification by himself.

That plan was temporarily halted when Yibo sat up and glided back to sit right next to him, essentially blocking him in against the coffee table.  
Xiao Zhan kept his gaze trained on the TV and focused on sitting completely still.

Yibo grabbed his phone and focused on it without saying anything more and Xiao Zhan revisited all the excuses he could use to leave now without calling further attention to his embarrassment.

He was finalizing the most plausible one when Yibo leaned in towards him and showed him the phone.

Xiao Zhan looked at the screen and saw that it was a picture of Yibo looking at him. It was from the promotional event in Thailand eight months ago. Yibo swiped the screen and now there was another one, this time from one of the behind-the-scene videos of their show. On and on it went for another eight pictures, all of which were of Yibo staring at Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan held his breath; these were all pictures he had seen a million times before.

"I'm stupid enough to get caught doing this. And that too, these many fucking times." Yibo smiled now, turning to face him.

Xiao Zhan's expression was frozen as he looked at Yibo.

"You are just way better at it than me." Yibo said now, holding his gaze, his smile slowly disappearing.

He didn't know how someone could send out so many mixed signals. Did Yibo truly not have any inkling of how he looked when he did this? Maybe he should take a picture and show it to him. This was the epitome of bedroom eyes if he had ever seen them. 

Xiao Zhan looked away, breaking their gaze, reaching for another beer. Maybe 'shit-faced' wasn't as far off in the night as he had previously thought.  
\----------  



	3. Crossing the Line

"I sort of miss your Wei Wuxian." Yibo murmured a while later, sliding down to lie down on the floor next to him.

He was on his third beer and Yibo was on his fourth.

"Why?" he asked, looking down at Yibo's face. It was flushed now, he could see. His hair had gotten longer and a few strands were over his closed eyes.

Yibo didn't answer right away, but eventually moved his head closer to Xiao Zhan's leg, until Xiao Zhan finally stopped resisting the urge to touch him and moved his hair out of his eyes.

He saw Yibo smile at that as he lifted his chin up, but otherwise kept his eyes closed. Xiao Zhan remembered back to the time of their show when they had been waiting for one of their scenes and someone had recorded Yibo running his fingers through Xiao Zhan's hair, or rather, the weave that they had had to use as part of their costume. It had been a cell-phone recording, grainy in quality, with almost no sound, and shot at a distance from their back; all of those things had only made the video seem more intimate, as if they had been caught in a private moment, even though the reality was that they had been surrounded by the crew and cast with the actor playing Xiao Zhan's brother in the show standing right next to him.

Yibo was right though, Xiao Zhan had been so immersed in the playful and openly mischievous character of Wei Wuxian, head over heels for Yibo's Lan Wangji, that he didn't know how much of Yibo's affection had been won over by Wei Wuxian rather than he himself. Once the show ended, it had taken Xiao Zhan a long while to truly let Wei Wuxian go, get out of his mind, his emotions, his reactions... his love. The effects still lingered two years later, clearly, as he found himself running his fingers through Yibo's hair, smoothing it back from his forehead.

"His smile was different." Yibo remarked now, burrowing deeper into his touch, still keeping his eyes closed.

Xiao Zhan remembered that smile now, Wei Wuxian's famous smile that had conquered an entire fandom of 26 million, if his Instagram was anything to go by. He hardly thought his own smile was as endearing as Wei Wuxian's. It had taken him almost a month of living and breathing Wei Wuxian on the sets of the Untamed before he had started to own that smile, open and trusting in how unguarded it was, like it expected the world to bend down and say, "aww.'' That smile was long gone now. It had never been his own smile anyways. He tried to plagiarize a version that smile nowadays; how successful it was in execution depended on who was at its receiving end. It never fooled Yibo. So he didn't even try with him. Unless he wanted to piss off Yibo like he had done the other day.

Like Yibo, maybe his fans also missed him. Wei Wuxian.

"You know I'm not him." He said absently now, more to himself, as he took another long swig from his can.

"No shit." Yibo said now and Xiao Zhan imagined him rolling his closed eyes.

He smiled for the first time since Yibo had caught him staring and slid down lower on the cushion, grabbing onto a clump of Yibo's hair tightly to show his reaction to Yibo's comment.

Yibo yelped, a tiny sound it was though, and immediately followed by a soft smile as he raised his head to move it onto Xiao Zhan's lap.

The beer was making Xiao Zhan's head warm and Yibo was doing the same to his chest.

Yibo's eyes were still closed and Xiao Zhan wondered if it was Yibo's way of silently allowing him to look as much as he wanted.

He didn't stop himself and looked his fill. He had once seen a fan compilation video of Yibo's interviews where he had been asked which part of himself he liked the best; in different interviews, he had said various parts – his eyes, eyebrows, jawline, Adam's apple. At the time, Xiao Zhan had wondered at the level of narcissism it must take to own to admiring so many parts of oneself. But once he had gotten to know Yibo, Xiao Zhan had discovered that some of Yibo's assessment of himself was objective. He had been told many times, by his studio and his fans, exactly what about his physical appearance held the most appeal. And to downplay those that did not. Also, Yibo didn't exactly prevaricate or dissemble well. He did know that he was handsome by most people's standards and was not the type to be farcically humble about it. Xiao Zhan, on the other hand, most certainly downplayed the public's assessment of his physical appeal; there were several interviews in which he, in fact, stated that he was pretty average looking. While that wasn't a full lie, as he saw what he looked like every day without all the beautification that his make-up artist did to make his face look exactly similar to what would appeal to the 13-64 category of living breathing humans, there was also something polite about it. That is how you were supposed to answer, even if you secretly did think you were the most good-looking chap to walk the planet. Yibo's fans were so used to how he was, they did not expect anything else from him. The rest of them mortals did not have the luxury of telling the absolute truth without some civilized coating on it.

He looked down at Mr. Narcissistic lying on his lap. There was no make-up now and without all the shading they did around his eyes to make it look sultry and the color they used to make his lips look fuller, Yibo looked surprisingly innocent. A lot like the picture of the 13-year old Yibo he had seen on the internet who had left behind his home to go to a different country to enter the 4-year long idol training that he had been recruited into at the time. Yibo had been notoriously afraid of bugs, scary movies, and sleeping alone in the dark at the time, which had come across as entirely adorable in a 13-year old, especially in one who looked like he did. And then he had grown older, essentially in the public eye, leaving the cuteness behind, his vocal chords dropping several octaves with puberty, the famed adam's apple becoming more prominent, the jawline cutting corners at an angle clear enough to be a source of great masculine pride in a face that could otherwise be considered too feminine in its beauty. Emphasizing androgyny was not new in their field – in fact, idols with far less visual appeal that Yibo went out of their way to highlight the feminine aspects of their features. But with Yibo, he seemed almost rigid – and in Xiao Zhan's opinion, childish – in how distinctly he viewed what was "manly vs. girly." And while he wasn't resistant to his management's decision to highlight his beauty to the best advantage of an idol, Xiao Zhan thought that Yibo went out of his way to disabuse his fans of the notion that there was anything even remotely "beautiful" about him. When Xiao Zhan had first met him on the sets of the Untamed, Yibo had been aloof, cold, difficult to engage in conversation at any great length, and entirely committed to that reputation that he had built for himself, - a rapper in an idol group who owned three motorcycles and raced for fun on the side. Xiao Zhan, on the other hand, was considerably older, had a college degree in fine arts, had been a designer prior to undertaking a drastic career change to become an "idol", counted among his particular skills an excellent command of language and diction, was a fairly good cook, knit on occasion, and barely knew how to ride a bicycle. On paper, he could see how their fans could decide that Yibo is the alpha male while Xiao Zhan was the feminine counterpart. It didn't help that their respective characters in the novel of the Untamed were also crafted that way. In reality, though, Yibo looked up to Xiao Zhan and asked for his opinion of any number of matters. Even when Yibo was in a snit, Xiao Zhan was the only one he apologized to without hesitation. With Xiao Zhan, in fact, Yibo could become incessant to the point of annoying when he did not have a lion's share of his attention. And he wasn't afraid to be caught by others doing any manner of silly things if it involved Xiao Zhan. Toddler. That's what Yibo was with him. Not an alpha male, but a toddler. Maybe the warm feelings that he had were all maternal, answering Yibo's frequent quest to be 'babied' in some manner, although he was sure that Yibo would rather be buried alive than admit it.

Lost as he was in such a lengthy exposition on Yibo, he had missed that he had been absently tracing Yibo's features with his index finger until he felt Yibo's bite.

Xiao Zhan looked down in alarm, noticing that the finger was still held between Yibo's teeth.

"Hanguang-Jun" Xiao Zhan called out and Yibo opened his eyes.

He smiled, although he did not ease the grip of his teeth from around Xiao Zhan's finger.

"Have you been reading Mo Dao Zu Shi?" Xiao Zhan asked.

Yibo's one eyebrow went up at this question.

Xiao Zhan pulled on his finger and rather than let go, Yibo simply loosened his teeth while closing his mouth, essentially sucking on the finger as it came out of his mouth.

Xiao Zhan's smile disappeared.

As far as he remembered, Lan Wangji had never sucked on Wei Wuxian's finger, at least during those scenes that he remembered from the novel, he had just bitten down on them. Lan Wangji had a thing for biting, especially when drunk.

As far as he knew, though, Yibo had never read the novel, only the script for their show, which was decidedly tame compared to how open and explicit the novel eventually turned in exploring the relationship between the leads. One of the main reasons that he had been able to play Wei Wuxian with such abandon had been due to the sure knowledge that Yibo had and would never read the original novel – it was too long to suit his taste and reading was not his pastime – and thus remained in the dark about everything that happened between their characters post-confession in all its uninhibited glory. It wasn't like Yibo didn't know the exact nature of their relationship; the novel itself was quite well-known and the feelings between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were not exactly a well-kept secret. But portraying an unacknowledged love filled with only yearning glances and lingering gazes was not the same as reading about... things that he frankly could not conceive of Yibo ever doing in his entire life.

All of which made this present situation... it must have been an accident. There was no way...

He looked at his finger and then back at Yibo.

Yibo's eyes were unreadable for a moment, but then he smirked and started to turn away.

Later, Xiao Zhan would profess to not knowing what lunacy seized him, but in the moment, he turned Yibo back around to face him, pulling his face close until he bit the edge of his bottom lip. He let go immediately afterwards, sanity returning just that quickly, but he could see the shock evident on Yibo's face.  
He saw Yibo touch the spot where he had bitten him. There was a moment afterwards when they just stared at each other and Xiao Zhan was forced to acknowledge that he had never done anything this insane before. He must have been crazy...

Before he completed the thought, he heard Yibo grind his teeth in that way that he did when he was angry, but rather than push Xiao Zhan away, Yibo grabbed his face between his hands to sink his teeth down fully into his bottom lip.

"Oww..." Xiao Zhan exclaimed, pushing Yibo away. That had not been a gentle bite. He felt his lip with his tongue, surprised that there was no blood.

But then Yibo leaned in once more, tilting Xiao Zhan's head sideways and sinking his teeth down again, this time against the side of his neck.

His bite was still too hard and Xiao Zhan felt the pain, but his eyes closed now as he grabbed onto Yibo's shoulder. He bit down on his own lips, swollen as they were now, so that he wouldn't make any sound.

He felt Yibo move closer, forcing Xiao Zhan's arms to slide over his shoulder, essentially hugging him. After a moment, Xiao Zhan felt Yibo bite him again, just below where he had bitten him before, now harder.

This time Xiao Zhan heard himself, some sound that he had never heard from his mouth before, which only made Yibo pull him in even closer to bury his lips against his neck.

This time he didn't bite, but muffled against him, Xiao Zhan heard Yibo's soft "Fuck..."  
\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/8fjJlFvprU4. (the hair-play video)


	4. Since When...?

The beer was definitely not helping the situation. But Xiao Zhan was still aware enough to know what was happening and how this could turn out once the alcohol wore off. He was even alert enough to ponder whether it was a risk worth taking. Could he allow himself these moments and just pretend to not remember later…

The thoughts flitted by in his brain in concentric waves while he remained in Yibo’s hold, not letting go. Not letting go, but not moving forward either.

There was a long moment of pause after the “Fuck…” when Yibo did nothing other than press his lips against Xiao Zhan’s neck and it made Xiao Zhan wonder if Yibo too was deliberating the cost and risk of proceeding in this fashion.

“If you stop talking to me because of this, it wouldn’t be worth it.” Yibo said then, pulling away from his neck and moving up to Xiao Zhan’s ear, his voice quiet.

It surprised Xiao Zhan so much that he pulled back to look at Yibo.

He held Yibo’s gaze and saw his eyes shift gradually, the vulnerability that Yibo usually held in so well coming into focus. Along with it, his own selfishness gained clarity as well, how he only thought of how to fall into this moment and absolve all responsibility for it later, somehow shifting the burden for any fall-out onto Yibo.

He had never suffered from a self-induced character-assassination before, but for the first time, he thought that Yibo might actually be too good for him.

“That depends on what this is…” Xiao Zhan finally said, allowing his own vulnerability to be seen.

There was a long moment of silence while Yibo’s eyes changed again and then he said in a whisper that sent shivers through Xiao Zhan. “If you let me, I will eat you alive.”

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and told himself to breathe normally. For a moment, he remembered that even as a recent as a half hour ago, he had not allowed himself to consider the actual possibility that Yibo might return his feelings. Or to be so straightforward about it. Although given how Yibo was, if he actually felt something, it wouldn’t be in his nature to hide it anyways.

“And how long have you felt this way?” Xiao Zhan asked, still keeping his eyes closed. He noticed then that his arms were still around Yibo and he loosened them, wanting this conversation to happen without Yibo’s physical proximity clouding his comprehension skills.

“Ever since I knew you felt the same.” Xiao Zhan’s eyes flew open at Yibo’s answer.

He raised an eyebrow at the obvious hubris of this admission.

He tried to push him away now, feeling heat inside his collar.

Yibo pulled him back though, holding him from the back now, just like he had done before.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound that way, but it’s true.” He said, placing his chin on Xiao Zhan’s shoulder.

Xiao Zhan turned his head in Yibo’s direction, not attempting to pull out of his hold.

“What is true?” he asked.

“I didn’t really know how I wanted you until I knew how you wanted me.”

Xiao Zhan turned his head forward, exhaling a short breath of disbelief. There was honesty and then there was Yibo, elevating it to a whole new level.

“When did I show you how I wanted you?” he asked when Yibo just hugged him tighter.

“You haven’t noticed how you avoid touching me while you have no problem hugging all the other guys from the show?”

“Maybe that’s because I don’t like you.” Xiao Zhan said, feeling petty.

“Yea, maybe. But you don’t stare at someone you don’t like.” Yibo said before leaning closer to his ear to whisper, “and you certainly don’t stare at someone the way you look at me if you don’t want them in that way.”

Xiao Zhan felt the heat around his ears and neck increase in mortification. He tried to pull Yibo’s hands off from around him, but they did not budge.

His throat felt like it was filled with sand and he swallowed with difficulty.

“Well, we are all done with this conversation.” He attempted to keep his tone neutral, starting to get up.

“Why?” Yibo asked, pulling him back down and into his arms again.

“You just accused me of robbing the cradle. I am all good, thanks.”

“Cradle?” Yibo’s voice came out in a squeak of incredulity and he scooted closer until he was pressed against Xiao Zhan from the back. He didn’t know what Yibo was doing, but after a moment, he understood when he felt the hardness against his lower back.

“This is no baby, sir.” Yibo said.

“Dear Lord!” Xiao Zhan said, his mind whirling at the speed with which the conversation had progressed to NC-17.

“I am a completely healthy 22-year old. This is what happens when I get turned on.” Yibo continued, unfazed by Xiao Zhan’s exclamation.

He turned around then, wanting to see Yibo’s face to make sure that it was indeed him and not a hallucination his fevered infatuated brain had conjured up.

He held Yibo’s gaze, willing him to look away, but he just grinned.

“You must be totally confident in your effect on me.” Xiao Zhan remarked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Yibo replied, leaning up to drop a kiss on Xiao Zhan’s lips. It was just a peck, but it still caught Xiao Zhan by surprise and he fell backwards against the couch.

“You are definitely into me in that way.” Yibo said now, grinning wider.

Xiao Zhan was quiet now, watching Yibo, wanting to shake that certainty off his face, no matter how much truth may be in what he said.

“But you also have phenomenal self-control.” Yibo’s smile changed and he moved until he was sitting next to Xiao Zhan once more.

“I will likely die an old virgin if I waited for you to act on your feelings.” Yibo said, inhaling deeply before releasing a long sigh.

There were so many things to unpack about that statement that Xiao Zhan decided he needed another beer before he took it all apart.  
\-----------


	5. A League of its Own

Chapter 5 – A League of Its Own

“A virgin.” He said once he got his beer and sat back down. Yibo was sitting next to him, still nursing his fourth beer.

Yibo turned in his direction and shrugged, as if this was not big news.

When Xiao Zhan kept staring, Yibo looked back at him, the can that he had lifted up pausing in mid-air. His mouth had been slightly open, and without meaning to, Xiao Zhan’s gaze dropped to his lips. It was only for a moment before he looked back up again.

Xiao Zhan didn’t have time to prepare when Yibo put the beer can back down without drinking and climbed onto Xiao Zhan’s lap, spreading his legs out with his knees clasped on either side of Xiao Zhan’s hips.

Xiao Zhan sputtered, moving his beer out of the way when Yibo’s face loomed above him, making Xiao Zhan press back even further into the couch at his back.

“See how you did that. That makes me a little crazy.” Yibo’s eyes dropped to Xiao Zhan’s lips for a brief moment before coming back up to his eyes, mimicking Xiao Zhan’s earlier move.

Xiao Zhan thought of pretending to not know what Yibo was talking about, but even he could acknowledge how juvenile that would be.

“Who doesn’t do that? That’s normal in conversation. People look at eyes and then look at lips and back at the eyes and back at lips.”

Yibo’s eyes squinted for a moment as if considering the merits of this argument before they un-squinted and his lips parted again slightly. And almost as if his eyes were a magnet to this motion, Xiao Zhan’s gaze dropped down again before he caught himself.

“It’s reflex.” He said before Yibo could even say anything. “I must do it with everyone.”

Yibo’s one eyebrow lifted as he leaned in close. “No, you definitely don’t.”

Xiao Zhan tilted his head at how definitive that statement sounded. “Why? Have you done exhaustive research on how often I look at other people’s lips in conversation?”

“Nah, I am just going by the gut punch I get when you do that.” Yibo said matter-of-factly and Xiao Zhan felt his own stomach do a flip.

“But we have some crazy fans who have done… exhaustive research.” Yibo added now, his lips slowly widening into a grin.

Xiao Zhan kept his expression neutral as Yibo lightly grazed his lips against his own.

“And they are entirely convinced…” Yibo’s gaze shifted up to Xiao Zhan’s eyes quickly before they dropped down to his lips again, “… that you want me in a bad way…”

Xiao Zhan managed to roll his eyes even though his stomach did another flip.

He carefully managed his expression as he said, “Must be your crazy fans.” He managed to bring his beer back to take a sip, mainly to buy himself some time… Yibo sitting on your lap and trying to seduce you required strong counter measures.

Yibo waited, watching him, and when Xiao Zhan was done, Yibo took the can and put it on the table.

Xiao Zhan inhaled slowly as Yibo’s gaze moved down to his mouth once more. He pursed his lips almost as if clamping it shut against the intense scrutiny, but was still unprepared when Yibo brought his finger up to lightly rub against the mole on the underside of Xiao Zhan’s lower lip.

He closed his eyes and wished he had eaten more before so that his insides were not just filled with alcohol and insect flutters.

“My crazy fans, your crazy fans, everyone seems to know my obsession with this...” Yibo’s finger lingered on that small dot and Xiao Zhan opened his eyes.

Yibo stared at the mole for a long moment and then looked back up to hold Xiao Zhan’s gaze. He had only a moment to prepare before Yibo leaned in to press his lips against his, pulling his lower lip in.

He should have figured that Yibo would not be into chaste little pecks, that he would go right in for the kind that made steam come out of your pores.  
What surprised him was that he would be so willing to go along with it, devoured out of his wits by the self-proclaimed virgin who was eating at his lips like it was his last meal.

After several moments, Yibo pulled back, his lips now swollen. Xiao Zhan closed his eyes again when the sight did crazy things to his nether regions. And given how Yibo was sitting on top of him, he would be hard-pressed not to notice, no pun intended.

“Hey K-drama queen, are you going to only take and not give anything back?” Yibo whispered in his ear before biting on the earlobe and Xiao Zhan grabbed him by the waist to keep him still.

He heard Yibo laugh for a moment before stopping abruptly. Xiao Zhan opened his eyes in time to see Yibo look down between them.

It wasn’t hard to see what had arrested Yibo’s attention. When his gaze swung back up to Xiao Zhan’s, the humor from before was gone and now there was only… hunger.

One of the things he envied about women, Xiao Zhan decided then, was their complete ability to mask their desire if they so chose it.

Although, he had to wonder how any woman – or any gender of the species, for that matter – could mask anything when they had Yibo sitting on their lap and assaulting all senses.

He felt Yibo shift his hips and immediately moved his hands down to hold him still.

“Don’t move. Give me a moment, please.” He whispered, closing his eyes again to concentrate… on counting sheep in his head.

“Don’t worry… even I know not to jump into home run at the first try.” Yibo said, allowing Xiao Zhan to hold his hips in place but moving in to drop a kiss on his chin.

“Home run…” Xiao Zhan scoffed at the analogy and lifted Yibo off of him to move him to the side.

“I occasionally watch American baseball.” Yibo smiled now, turning so that he could sit next to Xiao Zhan once more, leaning back against the couch.

“And you learned that you should never aim for a home-run at first try?” Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow, amused.

Yibo shrugged before breaking into a full grin. “You don’t want to show off, you know.”

This time Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but smile. You didn’t have to worry about how robust the ego of a Leo was… it was in a league of its own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIQ9A5EG8RY (mole ;)  
> https://youtu.be/VBXgYRaXbPw (exhaustive research from fans - part 1 of ∞)  
> https://youtu.be/Y2dG7QpSf-k (part 2 of ∞)


	6. Only Open When Alone

Chapter 6 – Only Open When Alone

He was sure it was the beer that made him slide down, the length of his spine curving against the couch in a way that would bring pain soon enough, but it allowed him to lightly rest his head against Yibo’s shoulder. He felt Yibo’s surprise in the quick turn of his head, but then he edged closer, gently sloping his shoulder to make him more comfortable. Xiao Zhan felt a fondness for him then, an entirely different sort of fondness… Inside, Yibo was still just a sweet boy who gave all if he gave any.

  
He felt Yibo tilt his head down so that it rested against his own, felt the soft sweep of his hair against his forehead, and closed his eyes… he could drift off into a dreamless sleep just like this… to a nothingness that would be blissful… Yibo’s lanky frame his only guard, keeping everything else at bay.

He fell asleep that way, although when he woke up, he was lying on Yibo’s lap, body curved into a fetal position between the coffee table and the couch. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and stretched his legs, taking in the cone of blue light falling in through the window. Dawn was just breaking. He looked up to see that Yibo was still sitting against the couch, his head now bent at an awkward angle against the cushion. There was bound to be a painful crick when Yibo attempted to move his neck. Xiao Zhan sat up, the blanket he now noticed tucked around him falling off. He put a hand under Yibo’s head and attempted to gently lift it. Yibo opened his eyes a moment later. He didn’t seem startled, but squinted his sleepy eyes at Xiao Zhan. The beer had left over its affection from last night and without pondering the merits of his action, Xiao Zhan bent down to press his lips against Yibo’s. It was a brief moment of tenderness. When he pulled back, Yibo’s eyes were soft. And warm. Xiao Zhan catalogued that look away in the small box in the recesses of his memories marked, Only Open When Alone.

“Does your neck hurt?” he asked, his voice still husky from sleep.

Yibo appeared to notice Xiao Zhan’s hand against his neck only then and straightened slowly, wincing when he attempted to turn his head.

“Did you sleep okay?” Yibo asked instead of answering his question.

Xiao Zhan nodded as he stood up and watched Yibo work out the kinks in his neck. When he put his hands out, Yibo took it with a smile, allowing to be pulled up.

“Do you have a spare toothbrush?” Xiao Zhan asked as he found the clock on the wall. It was almost 4:30. He looked at his phone to see if John had texted and noticed one that said, “I will be back at 5.”

“It’s here.” Yibo called him from the bathroom and Xiao Zhan walked there, scrolling through his schedule for the day. He didn’t have to be at the studio until noon, but he certainly needed to leave Yibo’s hotel before the whole city woke up.

Xiao Zhan saw the hotel’s spare toothbrush pack left at one sink for him. Yibo was at the other sink already brushing his teeth. Xiao Zhan was never really good at surreptitiously watching anyone, if Yibo’s appraisal yesterday was any indication, but he still couldn’t help stealing glances at Yibo as he tried to hold back the hair falling over his forehead while he washed his face. A moment later, Yibo looked at him in the mirror. Caught staring out of the corner of his eyes, Xiao Zhan looked away.

Yibo did not remark on it or smile, instead turning to grab his towel to scrub his face dry. Xiao Zhan was hoping that he would leave the bathroom then and leave him to be. Yibo did leave for a few minutes, only to return with a spare razor that he put down next to the sink. Xiao Zhan looked at his own reflection in the mirror and noticed the noticeable fuzz on his chin. He rubbed his fingers against it and decided it was definitely rougher than fuzz. He nodded his thanks at Yibo to grab the razor. But Yibo grabbed his wrist with the razor and brought it back down. Then he leaned up and rubbed his own smooth cheek against Xiao Zhan’s stubble. As if he liked it, Yibo did it once more before lowering back down. Xiao Zhan thought he could hear the heavy thuds of his own heart against his chest. He held Yibo’s gaze - a mistake under normal circumstances, much less one as... strenuous... as the present - he decided... it led directly to the sort of impulse and abandon that he could not risk… But none of those thoughts counted as his body took matters into its own hands. A beat later, Xiao Zhan was reaching behind Yibo to flick the lights off before wrapping the same hand around Yibo’s waist to turn him against the wall, pressing their lips and bodies together. He heard Yibo’s low growl into his mouth and dragged his lips down Yibo’s neck, nipping and sucking over the vein that stood out in relief. Yibo’s low voice was a strange moan now and it made Xiao Zhan return to his mouth once more, sucking in his entire lower lip, crushing Yibo into the closet door at his back. His hip bone thudded against the doorknob and Xiao Zhan felt Yibo’s wince.

  
“Fuck!” he said, forcing himself away from Yibo’s lips, practically panting. He dropped his forehead against Yibo’s, trying to catch his breath. When he thought he could finally proceed without the risk of attacking Yibo again, his fingers moved to lift the edge of Yibo’s t-shirt, slipping inside the waistband of his sweatpants to rub against the edge of the sharp bone there. He was sure it would be discolored later. Yibo bruised easily.

In response, he felt Yibo’s arms go around his neck to bring him closer. He bent his head and heard Yibo whisper something in his ear. It sounded like Korean… maybe Japanese… not that it made a difference as he didn’t know what it meant anyways. Although given how husky Yibo sounded, he was glad it was not in a language he understood. He was hard enough as it was.

His phone beeped from the other room.

Xiao Zhan sighed as he brushed his mouth against Yibo’s neck one more time. The skin there smelled of the hotel soap and Yibo’s preferred cologne, something with just a hint of jasmine, a scent which never fully dissipated no matter how freshly showered Yibo was.

He could feel the quick beat of Yibo’s pulse and he was tempted to…

There was another sigh.

The night had officially come to an end.

\-----------------

He was standing in front of the mirror brushing his teeth later that evening when he heard his phone beep from the bedroom. He was sure that it had beeped any number of times before, although those messages were not the ones that he was waiting for.

He had finished his shower only some time ago and now there was not even a trace of makeup to cover up the marks that had become a mottled purple on his neck. He didn’t think he had ever gotten a hickey that was visible, much less one that looked legitimately like it could pass for a vampire’s bite. He had noticed them immediately after he had gotten home in the morning and had attempted to cover up with some concealer that he kept on his vanity (usually to hide the effects of sleepless nights). It had been enough until he got to his make-up artist. And he had kept his eyes closed almost the entire session, leaving his headphones in his ear (with no audio stream) as if that would keep the judgment and censure at bay. But his makeup artist, God bless her, had done none of those things, instead covering them up so well that he had been misled into thinking that they were gone until he had seen the marks reappear once again in the mirror after his shower.

When he felt that he had tortured himself enough with demands of equanimity, he walked into the bedroom to look at the last message. His assumption had not been wrong; it was from Yibo, but there was no text, just two picture attachments. The first one was a long stretch of a neck with an almost perfect oval shape of dark purple. He had forgotten that he had done this in return too, was that just this morning? It seemed an eon ago now. He swiped the screen to the second picture and saw… the doorknob had done its job just as thoroughly as he had predicted this morning. The picture was a side profile showing the prominent jut of a hip bone, bruised pink and purple in swirls, flanked by a distinct v-line cut that disappeared beyond the photograph. He closed his eyes and wondered how long it had been since he had… taken care of himself. Only that would explain the third hard-on he was getting in less than 24 hours.

He put the phone down and walked back to the bathroom and got back in the shower, letting it run hotter than usual as he took care of business. He was not masochistic enough to suffer through repeated blue-balls. And he couldn’t very well text Yibo back without keeping his wits about him. The boy was already self-possessed well beyond his age, not to mention entirely certain of his effect on others. It wouldn’t do him any good to think with his dick and provide Yibo more ammunition to add to his stockpile.

After the second shower in less than a half hour, Xiao Zhan finally replied to the text with one of his own, this time a picture of an ad of Yibo’s that had him holding a foundation bottle in hand for shu uemura.

He watched the screen and it was a few moments before he saw the roving three dots indicating that Yibo was typing from the other end. It started and stopped five times before it disappeared altogether. Then there was nothing. When five and then ten minutes had gone by, Xiao Zhan knew that Yibo was not going to respond. He wondered if he had been too flippant. Yibo had a good sense of humor generally. But maybe this was not the moment…

Reluctantly, he pulled out his phone and walked away from the overhead lights to turn on the lamp in the bedroom. It was not overly bright, but just enough to illuminate his neck when he turned the lens of the camera in the selfie direction. Similar to the picture Yibo had sent, he focused solely on his neck profile and any part of his features that could identify him definitively were left out. But the vampire’s mark was visible in all its glory in the likeness captured on his screen. He hit sent before he could overthink and back out.

He saw the Read message a moment later, but there was no return text. He sighed and put the phone down. He was 28 years old, hardly the age to be trading photos of embarrassing hickeys and pining for text messages. He left the phone behind and walked to his living room and turned the tv on, sitting down with an apple that was going to be the dinner for tonight. He was not on any sort of food restriction at present, a condition of his current schedule he was grateful for, but he didn’t have much of an appetite. He flipped through the channels mindlessly for some time, the low volume of the tv eventually lulling him into a fitful sleep on the couch. He woke up at 4 for the second day in a row, glancing at the hotel clock and stretching. He reached for his phone on the coffee table before remembering that he had left it behind in the bedroom.

There was a message waiting from Yibo when he opened his phone. It was the picture of his neck that he had sent over last night, except now it had been altered with the photo editor on the phone so that the purple marks were not just two, but at least eight, covering almost all of the neck in star shapes. There was another picture attached, he noticed now, and opened that one. It was a blown-up photo of a pair of lips – clearly his own, the mole below a dead giveaway – the mole that was now also covered in a purple star.

He bit his lower lip as he tried to stop the silly smile on his lips. Mr. Narcissistic would only be this corny for his sake. He would be damned if he wouldn’t exult in it to the fullest degree.

\---------------------


	7. A Magical Being

Chapter 7 – A Magical Being

Mark stopped the movement of the makeup sponge, pausing as he took in the smooth oval shape that was hidden just behind the vein running down the side of Yibo’s neck. Gingerly, he moved the hair strand that had fallen over the area, bringing the mark to better light. There was a pinch to the left of his chest that he quashed quickly. He glanced up ever so slightly to take in Yibo’s face and noticed now what he had missed in the low light before. Yibo’s face had a light flush, the skin seemed luminous even with a coating of foundation. Yibo’s eyes were closed and he had his air pods in as he relaxed, his head against the back of the makeup chair.

  
In all the time that Mark had been Yibo’s makeup artist, and that had been quite a number of years indeed, he had never seen Yibo even come close to doing something that would give him a… hickey. He looked down at Yibo’s neck again. Leave it to Yibo to break his blood vessels from someone sucking on his neck in an almost perfectly shaped ellipse. How was that even physically possible? He wondered who the lucky sucker was.

He dabbed at the spot once, twice, and at the third turn, Yibo opened his eyes.

Mark held his eyes for a moment before Yibo broke into a grin. He seemed entirely pleased with himself. “You should see the other party.” He offered, his grin wider, before closing his eyes again and putting his head back, “Make sure you cover it up well, hyung.” He remarked then before adding as an afterthought. “It’s one thing for you to see, and entirely another for the whole wide world out there.”

Mark turned around to reach for his make-up palette and caught the eyes of the man sitting by the window at the other end of the room. Singer’s eyes gave away nothing as he nodded in his direction before looking out the window.

He thought back to how long Singer had been Yibo’s bodyguard. It had been long, but still not as long as Mark had been his makeup artist. He had been with Yibo in Korea and had taken up the studio on their offer when they had asked him if he wanted to continue with Yibo when he moved back to China. They liked how he did Yibo up, they had decided, and did not necessarily want to mess up what worked. Mark could have told them that Yibo had a face that could work with the least talented of his profession without suffering a bit for it.

He looked at Singer again and noticed that the man studiously ignored his gaze. Yibo had this effect on people who knew him well. They all adored him, all in different ways. Some wanted to protect him, some liked to feed him, some wanted to make him laugh in that gut-busting way that he reserved for only a few, some liked to make him pout, and some liked to make his eyes go wide with wonder. And of course, it went without saying that some wanted to take him to bed. It wasn’t even just his physical beauty, Mark had decided. There was a sort of contradiction about Yibo. He was almost genetically incapable of deceit or pretense and yet, rather than lay him transparent, there remained an enigma about him that was difficult to crack. Mark could not remember ever meeting someone who could retain his interest for as long as Yibo had. And hell, for 75% of their time together, Yibo didn’t even talk.

Yibo’s eyes flashed open suddenly and he tilted his head up in the direction of the TV mounted on the opposite end of the wall that had been running in the background all this time. Singer had put it on some news channel, although it was on commercial now. It wasn’t one of Yibo’s commercials though, Mark knew all of Yibo’s commercials, so he turned to watch what had captured his attention so. He could see the Estee Lauder logo on the side of the screen and a moment later, the celebrity endorsing it came into view.

Xiao Zhan.

Mark rolled his eyes before he could control his response. As he glanced away from the TV monitor, he saw that Singer had caught his reaction. He raised his eyebrows as if to say, oh come on, before turning back around to face Yibo. Yibo, whose eyes were still glued to the TV. Mark, in the guise of reaching for something, moved into Yibo’s line of vision, and he saw Yibo simply move along with him so that he could continue to watch the screen.

“I don’t know what the big deal is… He is no you.” Mark muttered under his breath, but given how close he was to Yibo, he heard of course.

Yibo scoffed in response and without taking his eyes off the screen, said, “He is way more beautiful.”

This time it was Mark’s turn to scoff, and he rolled his eyes for good measure. “You’re biased.” He remarked, without thinking.

Yibo’s gaze finally turned from the TV to Mark. “And you’re not?” he asked with a laugh.

Mark was glad that Yibo seemed to not read into his statement. They had never openly discussed Xiao Zhan before, although Mark had seen the pictures, BTS, and promotions for the Untamed liked everyone else. While he had done Yibo’s makeup for the promotions, he had not accompanied him to the actual shows and he had not been with him during the shooting of the show two years ago. He remembered watching the BTS videos when they had first come out and feeling gobsmacked. He had never seen Yibo become so utterly childish with anyone else! and that included with all of his UNIQ brothers when he had actually been a child. He could be cute with them, but it was always a cute act turned up for the camera. At baseline, Yibo had always wanted to be older than he was and, half the time, he had found most of his UNIQ hyungs to be somewhat immature. Not that he minded that in them, but that was not how he wanted to be.

All of which had made Mark wonder if Yibo had taken complete leave of his senses when he watched the videos of Yibo chasing around Xiao Zhan with swords, sleeves, and any number of props trying to hit him. More difficult to watch had been the videos when Yibo had started to stare openly and adoringly at a Xiao Zhan who seemed either purposely avoidant or carelessly reinforcing of Yibo’s attention. Mark remembered watching a video when Xiao Zhan had been in the midst of being interviewed and Yibo had interrupted, sidling close to Xiao Zhan’s side, offering part of his white hanfu as a reflector when Xiao Zhan had complained that Yibo was blocking his light. Mark thought it was more like Xiao Zhan had taken offense to Yibo stealing the spotlight. But even he had to acknowledge being flabbergasted at how annoying Yibo had been in the video – adorable, but definitely annoying – entirely ignoring the interviewer while wanting all of Xiao Zhan’s attention on himself. Having essentially no experience with having to work to get someone’s attention, Yibo had quickly regressed to toddlerhood on camera. Mark had felt a moment’s empathy for Xiao Zhan when he had swatted Yibo back, essentially saying, “Hush, puppy” his tone equal parts fondness and vexation. Even at his most irritating, Yibo was difficult to resist.

Then the moment had passed and Mark had settled back into the strong dislike that he was forming towards Xiao Zhan. The one person singularly undeserving of Yibo’s attention. It was further confirmed when he saw another BTS video of a cake cutting on the set of the Untamed. Xiao Zhan had cut the cake and then afterwards had run off, as if to hide from Yibo, making Yibo look around to see where he had gone. He knew from the comments he read from fans that most took it as a continuation of their play/fight dynamic, but it hadn’t seemed that way to Mark. It had seemed like a man who had gotten used to getting the lion’s share of attention from someone whose devotion had become apparent to everyone around, and had made it a sort of sport, simultaneously rejecting it and maintaining it, putting a playful veneer on it. Maybe it had been character bleed, Mark allowed, now having watched the Untamed, and knowing the role that Xiao Zhan had had to play. But that still didn’t excuse it. Especially now, when Yibo’s infatuation had put down roots and grown into a behemoth of a tree whereas Xiao Zhan's indulgence had dissolved along with his anonymity. The other man appeared to have Moved On from whatever had been there two years ago.

It rankled Mark to see all the pictures now showing his Yibo as the fool in love, staring with his puppy eyes, always focused on Xiao Zhan as if the sun rose regularly on his ass, while said Sun seemed to all of a sudden have morphed into an adult, acting like he was some responsible teacher trying to dissuade the unwelcome crush of the cutest kid in class. Mark had to physically restrain from gritting his teeth.

“Hyung?” he heard Yibo’s voice and turned to him, realizing then that he had actually gritted his teeth out loud.

Yibo was gazing at him with concern, his voice soft, and Mark felt an overwhelming tenderness for the boy.

He was truly a magical being. His beauty was the least good thing about him. Everything else that was Yibo was what made him the best of all of the humans that Mark had ever met.  
\----------  



	8. Recollections

Chapter 8 – Recollections

“Wang Yibo.” He heard his name and took a moment to pause the game on his phone, a mindless chasing one he played only when he needed to tune out the sounds of a new crowd, before looking up.

Xiao Zhan. He vaguely remembered from the picture his manager had shown him some time ago when he had been cast. He knew that Xiao Zhan and his band had come on his variety show a year ago, although Yibo couldn’t remember too much of that visit. The show had multiple guests per episode and Xiao Zhan’s band had had 8 other members on set with him. Yibo wasn’t terribly good at remembering faces or names – given the sheer number of people he met on a daily basis – and Xiao Zhan’s appearance wasn’t all that dissimilar to any number of idols he had seen over the past four years so as to leave an impression. He was tall, good looking enough without makeup, if somewhat on the skinny side, but otherwise, nothing particularly stood out. Yibo imagined that the producers who chose him had seen whatever potential it was that made him a good candidate to play Wei Wuxian, tall order that it was. He hoped the guy was up for the job.

“Hey.” He said, nodding. “Xiao Zhan, right?” he asked, hoping his tone was polite enough.

Xiao Zhan nodded in return and Yibo noticed that he was holding his food tray in hand. Yibo was not in the mood for company, but he also knew that decorum required him to minimally offer the seat next to him. He was fully expecting Xiao Zhan to decline and tell him that he only wanted to briefly introduce himself and thus was surprised when Xiao Zhan nodded and started to pull out the chair opposite him.

Yibo tried to not let his surprise - and mild annoyance - show as he looked back at his phone to click out of the game that he had been playing.

“Oh, don’t let me stop you.” He heard Xiao Zhan say and looked up, one eyebrow raised.

“No, really. I don’t mind. I have some emails to answer anyways. Everyone appears to be giving you a wide berth so there is plenty of space here to sit in peace.”

For a moment, Yibo was sure that he heard wrong, but then both of his eyebrows shot up and for a moment he just stared at the other man. _Man_ seemed an overestimation of Xiao Zhan’s somewhat boyish face, the sharp cheekbones and jawline notwithstanding, but Yibo remembered his manager mentioning something about his co-actor being six or seven years older than him.

“Are you implying that I am an outcast?” Yibo asked in the best deadpan he could manage.

“It appears to be by choice.” Xiao Zhan tilted his head, his expression otherwise neutral.

Yibo put the phone facedown now, his attention finally focused.

“A choice you appear to pay no heed to?” He asked, tilting his own head in question. Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew that he was playing with fire. This was his co-actor for the next four months at minimum. If he was not reading this interaction correctly, this would be a terrible misstep that he would have to work hard to aright, efforts that he was neither talented at nor invested in.

Xiao Zhan held his gaze for a long impenetrable moment, long enough that Yibo was internally sighing at the conversation that he would need to have with his manager to figure out a solution to this problem. But then Xiao Zhan sat down on the chair that he had pulled out, placing his tray on the table, and taking a yogurt bottle to break his straw in. He took a quick sip before he broke into a wide grin, the smile catching Yibo by surprise as it transformed the otherwise serious face into something entirely different. Almost like an animation. Or… _Wei Wuxian_.

“You are not as humorless as you seemed.” Xiao Zhan added after the grin, catching Yibo by surprise yet again.

After a moment, Yibo smiled too, mostly in relief that he didn’t have to go into damage-control mode, but also because Xiao Zhan too appeared to be _not humorless_. Yibo’s poker face at times unsettled people so much that he had learned to exercise much caution before unleashing it on anyone, present company discounting. But, in his defense, Xiao Zhan had sort of asked for it.

“You don’t know me like that.” Yibo replied, not being able to keep the slight smirk off his expression.

“Yet.” Xiao Zhan came back, the previous grin now back, digging into his bowl of noodles with glee.

This time Yibo just shook his head, although a ghost of something like mirth now hiding on his lips, as he too dug into his food, his phone all but forgotten.

xxxx

“I am cultivating a train track.” Xiao Zhan read, paused, and threw his head back a moment later in exasperation. Yibo, along with most others sitting next to them in hearing distance, burst into laughter, only to be drowned out by Xiao Zhan’s own amused frustration at himself for using the homophone for heretical path.

Yibo felt for Xiao Zhan though, the script read was an exercise in witnessing one man and his many dialogues with all those around the room. While he had many a moment to sit back and watch the proceedings and follow the bonding of the actors with their characters with interest, Xiao Zhan had barely a moment to turn the attention from the page as almost every other line uttered was by Wei Wuxian.

Still, when Xiao Zhan made the same mistake once more, saying train track yet again, Yibo couldn’t help but tease, “I am cultivating in the subway, how about you?”*  
Everyone laughed, but most importantly, so did Xiao Zhan, looking at him for a brief moment, his concentration breaking, and Yibo smirked in answer, unaccountably glad.

xxxx

Soon after donning their heavy hanfus and the layers that came with it and arriving at the sweltering locales chosen for the Untamed – scenic though they were – it became apparent that one or three or… thirty five… of the actors were at risk for perishing from a heat stroke before the summer was over. Xiao Zhan had been forthright in warning anyone and everyone around him that sweating profusely was his birthright and that he was wont to proceed in this fashion under the weight of his – incredibly tightly bound and opaque hanfu – for many many hours. The miniature fan in his hand had thus become a fifth limb rather than the accessory that it was in everyone else’s. Yibo felt for Xiao Zhan, his own white hanfu with its voluminous sleeves feeling airy in comparison. Amidst the numerous complaints Xiao Zhan aimed in this regard, Yibo had figured out that much of it were apologies directed mostly at him, the one permanent fixture next to Xiao Zhan’s side in most scenes. During one scene, immediately after the director called ‘cut’, Xiao Zhan had turned to the assistant standing nearby and asked, “Do you have something that I can fan myself with?” Yibo could see the rivulets of sweat running down the hollow of Xiao Zhan’s neck and couldn’t imagine how stifling his outfit must really be, almost five layers of cloth under the outer thick black robe, all cinched together with a wide belt that was clearly a corset for men, and form-fitting sleeves with leather bands and metal studs as accents. He looked spectacular, although clearly on his way to being steamed to death.

“How about a slap?”** Yibo had asked, breaking into his – what he had been told by now was his – gremlin laugh.

Xiao Zhan had turned around, rolling his eyes, but Yibo had seen the amused quirk to his lips and had been glad for that moment of reprieve.

xxxxx

Yibo didn’t quite remember when the hitting started, although he imagined it must have been about a quarter of the way into filming. And it wasn’t even he who had started it. Zhuochen had been the first one. He had been quite handsy with Xiao Zhan, swatting at him playfully with his prop sword, occasionally pulling at him or pushing him around, quite literally. Yibo had observed it unfold and had seen how Xiao Zhan responded in turn, welcoming the distraction amidst long hours on the set. Initially, Yibo had started doing the same when Zhuochen hadn’t been around, as a sort of stand-in, albeit reluctantly. While he and Xiao Zhan had established that they had an affinity for the same type of humor – irreverent, maybe asinine, and increasingly peppered with obscure or foreign curses – Yibo hadn’t been sure how Xiao Zhan would respond to physical play from him. He imagined the first play fight may have happened when they both had been exhausted and delirious after 14 continuous hours of shooting and waiting and waiting and shooting, or basically any day of that summer. But after that first time, Xiao Zhan had started to occasionally ask Yibo to hit or pinch him to wake him up when he was sleepy or fatigued, and before you knew it, it had evolved into a full-time enterprise. There were times when Yibo would feel his hands itch with the need to attack Xiao Zhan in some way, although he couldn’t always figure out why. Sometimes he just wanted to wake him up, sometimes he wanted to get his attention, and at other times, Xiao Zhan smiled so widely or looked so exhausted that Yibo felt an overwhelming urge to… throw down with Bichen. There were a few times, the urge had bordered on belligerence***; he had watched the videos of it and seen his face, seen how he had been spoiling for a fight, looking to goad Xiao Zhan into making the first move so that he could retaliate ten-fold in intensity. He had felt badly about it almost immediately afterwards the first time he had done it, thought that Xiao Zhan would be upset with him, but somehow even when he had been so clearly annoyed, Xiao Zhan had gotten over it, never making an issue of it. Yibo had been glad, mostly…

xxxxx

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(https://youtu.be/xOFKf9g_rss)  
> **(https://youtu.be/Pm5_SUfSwVI)  
> *** (https://youtu.be/EVBkJBIaQjI)


	9. Recollections - Scenery

He knocked and waited a few moments before the door opened to a Xiao Zhan standing with a towel thrown over his shoulder.

“You still haven’t showered?” he asked walking in, shaking his own freshly showered hair, the blue in it only at the ends now, almost fully overtaken by his natural brown.

Xiao Zhan shut the door behind him and paused a moment to shake out the front of his shaggy mess of a hair. “I swear I’m going to need hair plugs after this. It’s falling out in clumps at this point.”

Yibo could relate. There was a lot of using bangs to hide receding hairlines going on amongst all the cast. The wigs, hair glue, hair piece, hair length - the whole damn hair situation - was brutal on whatever natural fibers were still attached to their scalps.

“What’s up?” Xiao Zhan asked finally, turning in his direction.

“My phone and computer are both out of charge. Can I use your laptop? I have an urgent email to send.”

Xiao Zhan seemed distracted for a moment as he looked around and finally seeing his laptop between his pillows, he pulled it out and opened it to log in before turning it in his direction.

“If you are done before I am done with the shower, just log out before you go.” He said finally when he straightened upright.

“Ooh, paranoid much?” Yibo teased, although anyone worth their salt in their field would be stupid to not exercise such caution as a matter of existence.

“Gotta hide all the kinky porn.” Xiao Zhan wriggled his eyebrows, his face entirely serious.

“That explains why you are so chipper all the damn time.” Yibo said as he pulled the laptop towards him.

“Don’t give away my secret.” Xiao Zhan winked and then he was gone, in pursuit of his much-needed shower.

Yibo logged into his email – not the fastest wifi here - and searched for the message that his manager had sent him. It had an attachment that was a jpeg file and he clicked it to download. He would just have to remember to erase it from Xiao Zhan’s files and recycle bin before he logged off. The message asked where he would like it saved and amongst the recently used folders in the Photos, he saw one marked Scenery that caught his attention. He saved it there on a whim and reviewed the rest of the email before logging off. The picture his manager ended up sending was something to do with an endorsement that was coming his way; not important as much as it was urgent with timeline. He clicked out of it and then noticed the rest of the pictures in the folder. He knew Xiao Zhan fancied himself an amateur photographer, but Yibo hadn’t actually seen any of his pictures. From the first few that he saw, he immediately recognized that these were all pictures taken within the last few months on the sets. They were all Untamed locations. He clicked on the first and noticed that it was one of the large mountainscapes that they shot near. It was a gorgeous shot, although it was hard to mess up when nature here was perfection itself. All you had to do was aim and shoot at any angle and it was bound to produce a masterpiece. After about four or five, he started to notice that the pictures started to have dots of people in it, clearly the crew, although often zoomed out enough that they seemed a triviality of the landscape, minute in relation to the surrounding magnificence. He realized then that Xiao Zhan had taken the shots precisely with that intent, to show what really was Untamed all around them. He clicked on with interest, seeing a sort of pattern emerge, having never really seen a series of photographs progressing in such a way to showcase a viewpoint with this sort of inconspicuous clarity…

After several pictures, the shots of the crew gradually became more prominent, now the flora serving more and more a backdrop. It was almost like witnessing Xiao Zhan’s acclimation to the set in visual form until each of the hundreds milling around him on a daily basis started to develop its own shape and form, distinct from the other. There were eventually shots of small groups, many involving Xuan Lu and Zhuochen as well as many of the other main actors. Yibo found that he was in some of them too, lingering on the sides of the group, a presence more than a participant. In that regard, Xiao Zhan had captured his essence well, Yibo smiled to himself. Given that the files were saved chronologically, he could see the evolution of the entire set, could see almost the week when he finally became comfortable with the cast, now no longer simply a shadow along the sides, but at times animated, especially with Liu Haikuan and then eventually with Yu Bin an Ji Li. Yibo paused suddenly and clicked back through the last eight or ten pictures… it struck him just then that even though all of those pictures were of small groups of actors, he was now in every single one of them... he was holding his breath as he clicked through the next few… sure enough, he was there, in every single shot. At times in the background, at times in the foreground, at times looking away, and at other times, looking quite interested in what someone else was telling him.

He had forgotten to breathe by the time the pictures changed yet again in focus. They were still of groups mostly, but the spotlight was always on him. There was one with him holding one of the bunnies that they had brought on set, holding it as a mother would an infant. There was another one in which he had his legs extended and he was grabbing onto his knees, barely trying to stifle a wide yawn. There was yet another in which his lips were parted in a half-smile as he watched a replay of a scene on the director’s screen. And there was another of him with an unconscious pout as he tried to untangle the long jade pendant at his waist out of the loop his long rope belt had formed around it.

Yibo realized his heart was thudding loudly against his chest and he pressed a fist against it, trying to calm it down. He thought he heard the shower turn off in the bathroom then and exhaled in panic as he quickly deleted his own downloaded image before x-ing out of the folder and logging off the computer. He shut the computer and had to tell himself not to run from the room as he heard Xiao Zhan moving around in the bathroom. He didn’t think he took a solid breath until he let himself back into his own room, closing and locking the door behind him, then inhaling a great gulp of air finally, sliding back against the locked door.

His fist was still rubbing the knot out of his chest.

xxxxx

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	10. Recollections - Secretly

Yibo was sure that he was weird for a few days after his discovery of _Scenery_ , but fortunately, Xiao Zhan hadn’t been around to see it, gone as he had been for his shoot for the other drama that he was shooting simultaneously with the Untamed. By the time he returned three days later, Yibo had missed him too damn much to be bothered by his newfound awkwardness. But still, at his first sight of Xiao Zhan, mercifully from afar, his heart had leapt to his throat and before thinking, he had snuck behind a window, opening the panel only partway so that he could see Xiao Zhan without being seen. Yibo had experience with taking deep breaths to counteract palpitations from an early age – thanks to a _very real_ heart condition – and found that he was doing the same now, gently and slowly, measuring out his breaths in and out so that the world around him would not witness the sorry state of his already inefficient aorta trying to pump blood like it had just competed in hurdles.

He watched Xiao Zhan now - he was surrounded by Zhuochen, Yu Bin, and Liu Haikuan - and could see the lines of exhaustion in the way in which he held his shoulders just so, as if the fatigue could quite literally fall and crumble him from top down if he so much as relaxed an inch. Yibo was no longer surprised that he knew such things about Xiao Zhan. He had had three long days and nights to think about this at length. He had tried to think back through all the pictures that he had seen in the Scenery folder, specifically thinking of the time frame when Xiao Zhan’s pictures had become… so singular in its focus. He would have to guess at least a month’s time. And yet, Yibo couldn’t remember Xiao Zhan ever treating him in any sort of a different way within the past month than he had before; yes, obviously they were closer to each other, they did after all spend most of their waking hours together, but Yibo couldn’t remember ever getting any sort of a peculiar vibe from Xiao Zhan that would indicate that the nature of his feelings had changed, at least with any sort of correspondence to the pictures.

Yibo had also considered that maybe the pictures were no more significant than the photographer in Xiao Zhan finding an adequate enough subject. He found that he did not enjoy that hypothesis as much as the alternative. He knew he was good-looking, but that was hardly enough reason to be a visual muse for someone like Xiao Zhan. He had never pondered someone else’s feelings about him to such length before and after three straight days of it, he wanted some answers. Firstly, did the pictures even mean what he thought they meant? If so, well, if so… what then?

He saw Xiao Zhan ask Yu Bin something and saw Yu Bin look around and then Xiao Zhan too looked around. He was about to pull the window shut when someone pushed it open from behind him, yelling out, “Xiaaao Zhaaan!”

His eyes widened as he looked down at Xuan Lu beside him, crowding him to the side as she put her hands out of the window and waved them wildly. “Xiao Zhaan, over here.”

“Dear God, Xuan Lu, the man is not deaf. I am sure he and all the rest of the mountains heard you.” He muttered, keeping his eyes trained on her head and not looking outside to see if Xiao Zhan was looking in this direction.

“Sorry Yibo! I think he is trying to find me.” She said quickly, keeping her eyes still trained on Xiao Zhan.

Indeed. Xiao Zhan had been looking for Xuan Lu. Yibo felt silly for a moment for thinking that he had been somehow involved in the equation.

“Well, okay, don’t let me stand in the way then.” He said with uncharacteristic peevishness as he started to move aside.

Before he turned around though, he heard Xiao Zhan’s voice, surprisingly close. Had he run over here?

“Hey Shijie” he said and Yibo saw Xiao Zhan grab onto Xuan Lu’s hands out of the corner of his eye. Well, if there had been any doubt before about who it was that Xiao Zhan had been searching for, it was now removed entirely.

Yibo started to walk away, but paused when Xiao Zhan called out, “Hello to you too Yibo.”

Yibo felt annoyed and gave a brief nod of acknowledgment in Xiao Zhan’s direction before walking away.

Well, that had gone swimmingly well.

xxxx

Over the next few days, Yibo remained in an off-mood and he tried his best to not let it show to the cast and crew. He was not outgoing or social enough for them to have any grand expectations of him and thus, he thought he was more or less successful in his efforts. The only one who noticed that anything was amiss was Xiao Zhan, not surprisingly, as he was the one at the receiving end of Yibo’s indifference. He made sure it was subtle enough that the crew would not pick up on it, but Xiao Zhan nevertheless cornered him after three days in this fashion, one evening, when they had wrapped up the shoot and Yibo had once again refused when Xiao Zhan had asked whether he wanted to get dinner.

“Did I do something?” Xiao Zhan asked without preamble.

“What are you talking about?” Yibo feigned ignorance. He didn’t want to admit that his mood had been increasingly souring as he had looked for any manner of confirmation of Xiao Zhan’s feelings toward him, but with none yet forthcoming. Xiao Zhan only responded to Yibo’s overtures, never initiated any on his own. It seemed as if they were closer to each other than to others only because of the amount of time that they had to spend together, not because there was anything special in the way Xiao Zhan treated Yibo. In fact, Yibo had observed that when given sufficient opportunity, Xiao Zhan treated Zhuochen and Yu Bin almost the same way. Some unwelcome self-reflection the day before had told Yibo that he was acting like a spurned lover rather than as someone who had unwittingly discovered someone’s crush on him. Except it wasn’t a crush. It was looking increasingly like professional curiosity.

“You sure?” Xiao Zhan asked. Yibo shrugged.

“Okay, if you are sure. I feel like you are mad at me for something.” Xiao Zhan pressed once more.

“What reason would I have to be mad?” Yibo asked, paused a beat as if to reinforce his point, before walking away in the direction of his room.  
He didn’t turn back to see Xiao Zhan’s expression and told himself to get over his own stupidity with all due haste before his reputation as a cold bastard got an unintended boost.

xxxx

It was turning out to be a spectacular birthday, he thought, and tried to not puke his guts out as his lunch sat like lead now in his belly.

He tried to gesture to his manager to stop the livestream and she cued him with one more minute. He could do this. It was just a minute more. He could handle the hate spewing across the screen of the live stream from the horde of anti-fans that had descended upon it within the last hour. It didn’t matter. This kind of shit did not matter to him in the least. It was at least a virtual attack and not a physical one like the one that had happened during UNIQ’s debut days when he and his bandmates had been doused in red paint during one of their rehearsals. One more minute. He could handle it. The fucking Lan Wanji headpiece was giving him the worst migraine and he thought he might rip it off in front of all of the people watching from the other end. And then the moment passed. There was something like static in his ear and then all other sounds receded as he simply put everything on mute. He blurred his vision so he could not focus on any of the people in front of him. Everything was hazy and out of focus. He was alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

“Yibo.” He felt his manager’s light tap on his shoulder and zapped himself out of his mantra. He focused only on her form as he walked to the van waiting for him. When he got back to his hotel room, he told her to give him a wakeup call at 6 – he didn’t have to back on set until 7 for the night shoot – and slept like the dead. Fuck everything. Fuck birthdays too. His birthday wasn’t technically until tomorrow, but it had been ruined anyways. What was the big deal about turning 21. Nothing. After what happened today, which he assumed would have become widespread news by now on the set, he hoped to God no one mentioned anything about his birthday ever again.

xxxx

“Happy Birthday Yibo.” He heard Xiao Zhan’s voice and ignored him; he was talking on the phone anyways, good enough excuse to ignore him.

“Happy Birthday Yibo.” Xiao Zhan said again and Yibo rolled his eyes. Had no one told him what happened? Didn’t he have any sensitivity left to leave well enough alone.

Xiao Zhan repeated the wish three more times and Yibo ignored him just as many, prolonging the phone call longer than necessary just so he wouldn’t have to acknowledge him.

xxxx

“What the fuck!” he exclaimed out loud when he saw what Xiao Zhan was holding between his fingers as he came towards him. The thing was wriggling and Yibo felt an almost overwhelming sensation of something crawling up his neck.

“Seriously, do not come near me with that thing.” He said out loud, putting his hand out to warn Xiao Zhan, although it appeared to make no difference as Xiao Zhan approached without slowing down.

“Shit, Xiao Zhan, I’m not kidding.” He stood up and backed away, stumbling over his hanfu, before turning around to run for real.

“Xiao Zhan, I’m not kidding. Stop!” he yelled over his shoulder, although he could hear that Xiao Zhan was still in hot pursuit, saying something about it being a harmless caterpillar or some shit like that. Irrelevant. All crawlers were the same to Yibo.

Xiao Zhan chased him all the way to the dais of the adjoining building, moving through the crew as if they posed no obstacles at all, before Yibo ran off the platform to hide behind a tall bush.

He was panting hard by now, putting his hand out. Time itself became surreal and he was caught in this moment of total absurdity, spitting mad, something clawing out of his chest as if it would burst open, and then it did, all the rage of the day escaping through his very breaths as he clutched his sides and bent over.

Xiao Zhan must have taken pity on him because he stopped, yelling, “Happy Birthday Yibo!”

“Fuck you!” Yibo yelled back, slowly straightening from the stitch in his left side.

Xiao Zhan only laughed in response as he released the worm back into the grass near him before walking away, giggling as if this was the greatest fun that he had had in a while.

xxxx

At ten seconds to midnight, Xiao Zhan started counting down loudly, his voice projecting enough to rouse all the napping actors from their fatigued slumber. Yibo tried to swat him down, but he kept at it and there was indeed a rousing round of “Happy Birthday Yibo” from all around at exactly 12, and for a moment, he blinked back sudden tears, the anxiety and exhaustion from his morning crashing into and crumbling against this shower of wishes, as genuine as it had been abrupt.

He made a show of bowing down to Xiao Zhan, thanking him, and was about to walk away when Xiao Zhan pulled him back by the arm. “Who the hell is going to cut the damn cake if you walk away?”

“What cake?” he asked, turning around.

Ten minutes later, he found it, all three layers of it, and was moved beyond belief, even though he had been given birthday parties much grander before. But this seemed the fruits of sincere labor, off in the mountains and at midnight. He asked for his Bichen to cut the cake and tried to hide his yawn behind the enormous bouquet of flowers that someone had pressed into his hands. And he was suddenly grateful. Grateful in a way that he had never been before. Grateful that he had been allowed this grueling, exhilarating summer.

xxxx

“Sleepy?” he heard Xiao Zhan’s voice and turned away from him, biting down on another yawn.

He turned back with a shake of his head, but now with a smile. Xiao Zhan smiled back. They were seated on the rooftop while the crew was moving around the props for the next shot. It was well past two in the morning and Yibo thought that this was the longest birthday that he had ever had.

“Happy Birthday Yibo.” Xiao Zhan said now, his voice no longer teasing.

Yibo looked at him - really looked at him - for the first time since that day two weeks ago on his computer, and tried to see if there was anything in his eyes that could give him the answer that he was looking for. But, as serious as Xiao Zhan seemed in the moment, Yibo could find nothing even minutely resembling what he thought would be there. Xiao Zhan was earnest, caring, evidently a fountain of genuine regard and affection for all of mankind, but it all seemed a natural extension of his being, the recipients of his good faith many, Yibo not exceptional in any manner. The pictures were an anomaly, clearly, with no explanation. An anomaly nevertheless, with no other evidence to provide it any substance. Yibo thought that he would be glad. This makes it less complicated. Friends like Xiao Zhan were rare to find, and friends were what they were, and indeed what they should be and would be. If his mind had fallen into a temporary rabbit hole of confusion, he would simply have to chalk it up to the long days and nights of the Untamed and naught but a slight detour in the path of a long and solid friendship. They were back on course now and it was time to let go of his attitude. Make Xiao Zhan feel at ease once again.

“Thank you.” Yibo said in return, his voice coming out softer than he intended.

And for a moment, just a fraction of a moment maybe, Xiao Zhan’s eyes changed. Then they cleared again, and it was just the way it was before.  
But Yibo had already seen it. What had been there for a flash before Xiao Zhan had hidden it.

It was the man who had taken all those pictures of him, capturing him not as a muse, but as a vice. _Secretly_.  



	11. Recollections - Risks Worth Taking

Yibo took in Xiao Zhan’s red rimmed swollen eyes, felt the slight shiver in his hands, and counted the number of hours that they had been awake and working. Sixteen. Xiao Zhan had been drenched for the last three of it. He reminded himself that the whole crew had been up for just as many hours, but another voice whispered in the back of his head that at least for the rest of them, himself included, there had been short breaks here and there. Xiao Zhan had hardly gotten a moment of reprieve. He had been hung by his waist on ropes for hours on end two days ago and since then Yibo had noticed that Xiao Zhan pressed against his sides from time to time, often attempting to pass them off as stretches. He had gotten even skinnier, if possible, and Yibo was starting to think that one of these days Wei Wuxian was going to break Xiao Zhan in half.

“I must look a fright.” Xiao Zhan muttered, looking in his direction, resting as he was against a large rock inside the cave that they had been shooting in for the past few days.

“Zhan ge always looks handsome.” He said, curving his lips into a smile that he hoped hid his other worrying thoughts.

Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes and Yibo grinned at him, remembering that he could at least do this to ease Xiao Zhan’s burden. Distract him for a moment. Not let him linger on the ever-increasing magnitude of his exhaustion and pain.

xxxx

“Another on-set interview? How many of them are there?” He whispered so only Xiao Zhan could hear.

“Think of it as rest.” Xiao Zhan leaned in to whisper back.

“For whom?” Yibo couldn’t help but ask.

Xiao Zhan gave him a side-eye and smiled. And Yibo wondered if Xiao Zhan realized that some of his smiles nowadays did not hide his secret so well. It was always subtle and often gone before he could truly enjoy it, but it was nevertheless there, a softness in Xiao Zhan’s gaze that changed his entire energy. As greedy as Yibo had started to become to make that smile appear again and again, he was also somehow sure that if Xiao Zhan ever became aware of what he was doing, he would stop immediately. And so, maybe to deflect, Yibo had started to pile on exaggerated praises on Xiao Zhan, trying to shift the attention onto himself. Initially, it had only been to allow Xiao Zhan enough time to recover without being found out, the inflated compliments making Yibo the adoring party. Then, Xiao Zhan had started to play along too, heaping on similarly insane accolades in Yibo’s direction, and then it had devolved into the both of them competing to see who could outdo the other. It became such a spectacle all on its own that Yibo would sometimes forget why he started doing this in the first place. But then he would catch Xiao Zhan’s reflection in a window pane… or the side of a vase… or the surface of Bichen… when he thought no one was looking (especially Yibo), his gaze softening in a way that made everything inside Yibo melt like wax.

“Just follow my lead.” Xiao Zhan said, winking.

“Not everyone can be so good with words like you Zhan ge.” He started and saw Xiao Zhan roll his eyes.

“Are we starting again?”

Yibo grinned. Indeed they were. Although Yibo was starting to think that he would emotionally leak out soon if he didn’t figure out a less outlandish way to channel all his feelings.

xxxx

“You are going the extra mile, Lan Wanji.” He heard the director say with a thumbs up and felt his cheeks flush. He hoped they all chalked it up to his shyness, which in any other circumstance would indeed be true. He was never that good with accepting praise without some part of him turning pink and red.

But this time, the flush was hardly from the director’s praise. He snuck a look in Xiao Zhan’s direction and saw that he had a towel pressed to his face, hiding it almost entirely in the guise of… wiping away sweat? the makeup people were going to be pissed.

Yibo grinned to himself as he walked around to see the replay of the scene on the director’s screen. It was the scene where Lan Wanji was publicly declaring his support for Wei Wuxian by announcing that he had always known the Yiling Patriarch’s identity since he resurrected from the dead.

He watched the scene, his eyes widening with each frame, his ears turning red… that was not simply declaring support, Lan Wanji looked like he had discovered that the source of his life force existed solely in Wei Wuxian.

His smile disappeared as he looked at the director. He didn’t know what he wanted to say, what he wanted to ask, except…

“It’s too raw…” he thought he said. There was too much of himself on screen, he may have given more than he needed to. He felt like he had unwittingly opened up his skin when he had only been asked to lift a sleeve.

“I think you are finally owning Lan Wanji.” The director said quietly as his knowing eyes – kind though they were – darted quickly in Xiao Zhan’s direction. Xiao Zhan, who was still standing a ways away with the towel pressed to his face.

Yibo closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he whispered, “How is this going to pass censorship?”

He hadn’t expected an answer, but when he opened up his eyes, he saw that the director was looking back at the screen – now paused on Wei Wuxian’s reaction to Lan Wanji’s proclamation - a slight quirk to his lips.

“Some risks are worth taking.” The director finally answered, his eyes still glued to the screen.


	12. Zhan ge, Didi Ai Ni...

“Is that a new bruise?” Yibo looked down at his knees when he heard Xiao Zhan ask and saw the quarter-size blotchy red spot there that was just starting to heal. That had been from the Produce 101 episode he had had to shoot this past weekend.

“Define new.” He asked with a grin as he looked at Xiao Zhan, although now he slyly moved the edge of his hanfu down so that it covered that area where his shorts didn’t reach. They had both had their hanfus pulled up way over their knees when they had sat down to give some much needed air to their legs and he had forgotten about the bruise.

Xiao Zhan’s gaze moved down from Yibo’s knees to the rest of his legs. After a moment, Yibo grew self-conscious and wondered if he should just pull down his hanfu altogether. His shins, calves, and ankles also had evidence of many healed over cuts and bruises from all his dance routines, skateboard mishaps and any number of similar adventures. It ordinarily didn’t bother him; wounds were so second-nature by now that he hardly noticed. But he imagined it made his legs somewhat of a marked-up canvas.

“Not as pretty when you look up close, am I?” he quirked his lips again, going for another attempt at humor when Xiao Zhan’s continued perusal of his legs made him embarrassed.

Xiao Zhan’s gaze shot up to his eyes at that comment, surprise evident there now.

Yibo’s grin disappeared as Xiao Zhan stared at him without breaking eye-contact. His voice was barely a whisper when he said, “You’re the prettiest up close.”

Fuck.

Yibo felt that everywhere. He felt hot under his collar and by his ears, although somehow, there were also goosebumps breaking out over his arms under his hanfu in the hundred-degree heat.

He felt as though time was suspended for a long moment, everything stilling around him, and he could only really see Xiao Zhan and his eyes.

But then it unfroze and all the sounds came back, a veritable cacophony of movement, words, buzzing, beeps, speakers, all cluttering over each other in his sensitive ears.

“No one is as pretty as you Zhan ge.” He said somewhat loudly, trying to hear himself above the mess in his head, knowing their crossing from the enchanted into the ordinary depended on him, lost as Xiao Zhan was in the moment.

He saw the instant when awareness returned to Xiao Zhan’s eyes; there was a quick blink and whatever had been there before shuttered.

Relief and Disappointment coursed through side by side and Yibo tried to keep his head about the contradiction, making a show of pretending to wave to someone off in the distance away from Xiao Zhan, allowing the other a moment to recover and smooth over the slip-up.

When he looked back, Xiao Zhan’s gaze was once more… _normal_ …  
He wondered how he was going to get through the next few weeks until the shoot ended. Nowadays, his insides felt scraped raw more often than not. Playing a character who loved so intensely and so quietly was simultaneously an exercise in catharsis and self-torture. Lan Wanji lived and died by his eyes… His poor eyes, besieged from all sides by emotions previously unknown and overwhelming… and yet forced to trap every experience in its pools… preventing them from ever escaping into becoming words. But Lan Wanji’s eyes were also the only outlet he had for expressing how Xiao Zhan twisted up his insides.

“Not as handsome as you, Didi.” He heard Xiao Zhan say now, although when Yibo looked in his direction, Xiao Zhan was holding the mini-fan close enough to his face to shield it from view.

As if the Universe took mercy, Xiao Zhan was called then for the next shot. He stood up when Ji Li approached him to set off together to the location of the shot.

Yibo watched them walk away and felt like one of these days, he was going to be crushed to death from all the unsaid words inside him.

A makeup artist approached him to touch up his face and he stood still, letting the familiarity of this routine ground him. And he was reminded that these moments with this heat and these crowds and these ways were all they had. Any connection was tenuous, existing only in the blur between takes and moving in and out of the script, their emotions on loan to Lan Wanji and Wei Wuxian. And when this set and these alter-egos disappeared, would this magic be gone too?

“Zhan ge, Didi Ai Ni…”. He was yelling out at the top of his lungs before the words were even completely formed inside him.

Xiao Zhan was far enough away from him now that it would be perfectly alright to pretend he didn’t hear. And Yibo thought he could live with that.

Xiao Zhan turned around and pretended to throw up, although now Yibo could see that his expression was lighter, his smile back.

His relief was so great that he called out again, “Zhan ge, Didi Ai Ni.”

Even though he was even farther now, Xiao Zhan turned around once more to repeat the gagging motion.

Yibo smiled and tried to not make eye contact with the woman fixing his concealer.

His reputation will likely never survive this, no matter how he sliced it.

Then he remembered how Xiao Zhan had looked in those moments when everything that he usually hid so well had been laid bare as those wide bright eyes of his had betrayed him so thoroughly.

It was worth it.

\-----------------------

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	13. Recollections - Bu Wang

“He is a little drunk.” Xuan Lu told him when he came back from the restroom. Yibo held her gaze, feeling that she wanted to say something more.

“Okay, he is a lot drunk.” She said now turning around the corner to look into the room where all the cast was gathered, all in various states of inebriation. Yibo followed her gaze and saw Xiao Zhan off to the side, a bottle of beer hanging precariously off his fingertips. He had been mellow all night and Yibo had noticed that the more he drank, he quieter he had become.

“How can you tell? You’ve never seen him drunk before.” he asked Xuan Lu, looking back at her, even though he knew she was likely right.

“Take him back to his room.” She told him now and Yibo tilted his head, trying to not let his surprise show. He reminded himself that it was only natural for her to ask him to take Xiao Zhan back; he was after all the closest to Xiao Zhan amongst the rest of the cast, even though they had all bonded quite well over the summer. It didn’t have to be because she thought there was something more…

As much time as he and Xiao Zhan had spent in each other’s company, almost everyone knew that they only spent time with each other in public, never in private. Thus, as much as any rumors would have been possible given the shenanigans that happened between them on set, it had largely been chalked up to juvenile antics. There had never been any cause to give anyone suspicion of more. 

The summer was finally at an end. They would all soon be going their separate ways. Just as Xiao Zhan had held onto his secret, so had he. He didn’t want to release it now from the sacred shell where it had grown for the past four months… He thought it alright to keep it that way, to not ruin it by attempting to make it more real than it already was. To let it remain unnamed, undefined, unacknowledged. That seemed the best possible farewell to this summer. This parting couldn’t hurt more than when he had had to leave his UNIQ brothers behind. He had spent four years with them. This was only four months. Xiao Zhan hadn’t given enough of himself for it to hurt more than that. And now it was too late to ask him to.  
He would learn to leave this behind. Xiao Zhan would too. And when enough time passed, Lan Wanji and Wei Wuxian would fade too. And all this would become memories of a bygone past, even the recollections long gone…

“Maybe Zhuochen can…” he started, looking back into the room, and Xuan Lu pulled him back by his hand.  
“When this time is gone, it’s going to really be gone. If you want to say something…” she left the sentence unfinished.

He thought of saying something in return, but really, what was there to say. What was there to explain to her that he wouldn’t even explain to himself.  
“I’ll take him.” He said with a nod and felt her squeeze his hand in gratitude.  
He was about to go back in, but turned to her, “I don’t want to go in there and…”  
She seemed to understand. “I’ll bring him out.” 

xxxx

“I’m alright.” Xiao Zhan said almost in reflex as he stumbled over a step-down that he missed when they walked out of the restaurant. Yibo didn’t answer and instead walked to where his bike was parked. Xiao Zhan’s gait was a bit unsteady, which he tried to hide by walking slower. Yibo kept pace, only two steps ahead, allowing Xiao Zhan his solitude.

Many of the traumatic parts of Wei Wuxian’s life had been left for the end of the shooting schedule and this past week had been brutal on Xiao Zhan. This morning they had filmed his fall to death, which Yibo thought had been harder on him than Xiao Zhan. In preparing Yibo for the shot, the director had told him that that was his Wei Ying falling to his death and to draw on the past four months as Lan Wanji to bring out the extent of his despair. Yibo had nodded along. But really, there had been no need to prepare him. Separation and grief were not new to him… he had experienced it time and again… and now yet again… he only had to channel all of his own feelings into that one scene. Say his goodbye that way. Then he could leave this behind.

After the shoot had ended, he had returned to his room and had slept for hours, his exhaustion bone deep.

“I brought my bike.” He said turning around. Xiao Zhan had come to the restaurant with Zhuochen and Yu Bin and Yibo had joined the gang only much later. 

Looking back on it, Yibo could see that he and Xiao Zhan had already been withdrawing from each other for the past week… less banter, less fights, less everything… As if that would ease the sting of the last day, the last moment. 

Xiao Zhan nodded and Yibo turned to get the spare helmet. They didn’t look at each other as they put on the helmets. Yibo climbed onto the bike and almost a full minute passed before he felt the weight shift behind him as Xiao Zhan got on too. He had given Xiao Zhan rides on the bike before; he had given rides to most of the core cast, in fact. After the first ride, when Yibo thought Xiao Zhan had held his breath the entire 10 minutes, he had come around, enjoying it a lot more. The bike he had bought here had passenger handrails, as he had expected that he would be giving people rides and it made it easier for them to hold on without trying to figure out where to put their hands on him. Less awkward for everyone involved. Xiao Zhan too had used the handrail before. However, he was hardly sober now. Yibo didn’t know if it was safer to hold onto the driver or the handrail if the passenger was intoxicated, he just knew that he would worry less if he could at least have some tangible reassurance that Xiao Zhan was still on the bike. He waited until he started riding and then purposely took a controlled short bump, just enough to jar Xiao Zhan into letting go of one handrail to grab onto his jacket. Before he could release his hold, Yibo brought Xiao Zhan’s hand forward fully and then he was forced to release the other handrail too and hold on around Yibo’s waist. Yibo had never given a ride to anyone who had held onto him this way, although Xiao Zhan’s hold was so loose that Yibo was not sure this served the purpose of giving him enough purchase should they actually hit a real bump. He brought one of Xiao Zhan’s hand down to his belt and Xiao Zhan seemed to understand, his hand immediately curling around it before bringing his other hand down to do the same. 

The night air was cool, a welcome reprieve from the brain-cooking humidity of the morning. He wished he could feel the breeze rush through his hair; it would clear his head and allow him to figure out how to deal with the delicate burden resting against his back. 

The ride was short and they were back at the hotel before long. He parked at the back entrance and waited a moment to allow Xiao Zhan to get off. When there was no movement, he tapped against the fingers still curled around either sides of his belt. There was still no response. He smiled to himself and wondered how someone could fall asleep inside a helmet during a motorcycle ride. He took off his own helmet and felt the helmet behind him drop onto his neck. He scooted back a little, taking Xiao Zhan’s hands and pulling them tighter against his waist. Xiao Zhan’s head moved up slightly to the right of Yibo’s shoulder and he reached behind him to slide the helmet off of Xiao Zhan. It wasn’t the most comfortable way to do it and he felt Xiao Zhan shrug in protest against his back. 

He put the helmet away before moving back again, pulling Xiao Zhan’s hands tighter around his waist once more. He felt Xiao Zhan adjust his head until it lay against the slope of his shoulder. Then he held still, letting Xiao Zhan get used to his shape, until finally he felt his body curve against his spine, felt the swirl of his hair against his earlobe as his weight settled more heavily against him, alcohol and sleep making him unresistant. 

He had parked between two SUVs and was grateful for the relative privacy the height of the vehicles provided. When a few minutes passed and Xiao Zhan didn’t move further, he felt alright to take a breath, and then another. When another five minutes passed and he didn’t move from the spot, Yibo retrieved the AirPods from his pocket to plug into his ears. He grabbed his phone to get the audio file that he had been sent last week; it was a rendering of Bu Wang, Lan Wanji’s song that he had to record for The Untamed’s soundtrack. He had listened to it many times already. As much as he liked Wuji, the duet that he had to sing with Xiao Zhan, this solo had his heart. There was so much longing in the melody that he didn’t know if his voice could do the lyrics justice. He hummed along with the music before starting to recollect the lyrics. He didn’t have all of it memorized as yet, but he knew the key parts… especially those that seemed written just for him.

_Are you still seeking?_   
_Looking for the same madness pursued by mortals since times eternal…_

_The sounds of guqin travel far beyond the Quiet Room_   
_Playing Inquiry, only to receive echoes that ring hollow_

_Where are you?_   
_That exchanged gaze, unforgotten_

_Is it even possible to forget?_   
_The world passes by, but I remember only you_

So focused was he was on that last part that it took him a moment to realize that the arms around him had tightened.  
He stumbled on his words, his breath, as he looked down.  
The hands were still now, as if it realized that it had given itself away.  
He closed his eyes. Listened.  
Silence. That soothing vibration of the even breaths of sleep against his back was now gone.  
There was no breathing at all that could be heard.  
He waited a beat, then tried the last verse again. His breath was stuck stubbornly in his throat and he had to clear it once, twice before it unstuck. 

_Is it even possible to forget?_

_With you by my side_   
_I hope that you have been well, since we last met…_

He let the last notes linger, his voice petering out.

He held still afterwards, waiting.  
“Again.” He heard the whisper in his ear.  
Yibo wondered if Xiao Zhan could hear the thudding of his heart against his hand; it seemed hard enough to penetrate his jacket, shirt and all.  
He removed the AirPod from one ear and rubbed it against his jacket before putting it to Xiao Zhan’s ear and felt Xiao Zhan move closer to allow it to settle in place. He could feel his breath against his neck now and tried to not shiver as he started the music again.  
He didn’t realize that he hadn’t started singing along with the music until he felt Xiao Zhan’s index finger against his Adam’s apple, his touch feather-light, as he said once more, quietly, “Again.”  
Yibo felt his own hand tremble as he grabbed onto Xiao Zhan’s hand and opened it up to press his lips into his palm.  
He heard a contented sigh behind him and felt Xiao Zhan’s body curl around him even more.  
And then he sang again.

Halfway through, he felt the wetness against the back of his neck. Felt it collect and flow down the slope of his shoulder, into his clavicle, where it paused, then overflowed, tracking a path down his chest, his skin taking in its heat, his shirt absorbing what cooled over.

_Bu Wang._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/hzMeaU4WGGY


	14. When Did You…?

He pressed the heels of his palms against the back of his eyelids until he saw stars. It didn’t incapacitate his tear ducts like he wanted it to and he could feel the wetness leaking through, running down his cheeks. He pulled his AirPods out and buried his face into his pillow. He had heard Yibo singing Bu Wang several thousand times over the past two years and he would have thought that by now he could make it through the whole song without this… He had to literally plug his ears and tune Yibo out while they were at the Untamed stage shows and Yibo sang his solo. The first time he had tried to listen – thinking that it would be different to hear Yibo in person rather than through the intimacy of hearing his voice through his headphones when he somehow couldn’t help but think that Yibo was singing only to him – he had quickly realized his mistake. If possible, watching Yibo sing was worse than just hearing him sing. He sang like an angel… a broken-hearted one… There was a yearning so deep and intense in his husky soft voice that sometimes it broke his own heart too. 

He wrote and rewrote the message four times before he stopped and sighed, putting the phone down.  
When it beeped suddenly, the noise startled him and he looked at the screen.

“What?” Yibo’s text said.

“What what?” he typed in return.

“You have typed and erased the same text a bunch of times. Is it that hard to talk to me?” 

“What were you going to text me?” 

“I wasn’t.” 

“What? You were just staring at our texts?” 

“I was admiring my handiwork.” 

“Handiwork?” 

_Oh._ Realization struck only after he hit send.

Xiao Zhan caught his reflection in the mirror off to the side of the room and brushed his hand over the fading purple marks on his neck. “Your work is sloppy.” He texted.

“But definitely left an impression ;)”

_In more ways than one…_

“My technique is definitely better.” He replied instead.  
There was a long pause this time before Yibo texted back.

“The one on the neck or…?”  
He closed his eyes as an image of Yibo’s v-line appeared in his mind’s eye.  
“Show off…” he wrote back after a moment, shaking the memory off.

“Right back at ya. Who would have thought sweet innocent Wei Wuxian had it in him to bang people into walls and doorknobs?”

“If you had read the novel, you would know Wei Wuxian is hardly the innocent sort.”

“What? That thing with Bichen? That’s like a drug-induced illusion. Wei Wuxian’s real dream was just playing house with Lan Wanji.” 

Xiao Zhan almost dropped the phone. When had Yibo read the novel? Hell, the version with the extra chapters. The banned chapters!

“Don’t tell me you read the novel.” He texted finally.

“I skimmed.” 

“Skimmed? Skimmed what? The porn?” he had to ask.

“Hey hey, the porn only came later. It was barely on foreplay land for a good 100 chapters.” 

Xiao Zhan whistled. If Yibo knew the novel enough to know chapters…  
“When did you read it?” he asked, holding his breath.

This time Yibo waited so long to answer back – likely minutes, but it seemed an eternity – that Xiao Zhan was tempted to just call him. But that certainly wasn’t a safe option given the topic at hand.

“Why does it matter?” was Yibo’s answer back.

And all of a sudden, something Yibo had said before came back to him. He had been distracted then, and hadn’t thought of questioning what he said, but he realized now that it had been niggling at the back of his head since then. 

“When did you really figure it out?” he texted now. 

Yibo didn’t pretend to not know what he was talking about, but his answer was just as bad as if he had.  
“Why does it matter?” 

What had Yibo said that day that had pissed him off. _You don’t know anything about me really._  
He was starting to think that there may have been a reason for Yibo to think that.

“When?” he texted again.

“I don’t think you’ll like the answer.” 

He scoffed. There was no real way in which Yibo could have arrived at a definitive conclusion about his feelings for him; no matter what he said, Xiao Zhan didn’t think he had ever done anything so obvious or glaring. Hell, he didn’t think he had done anything even subtle to reveal things hidden so deeply inside him that even he had trouble admitting it to himself. Much less something so noticeable that Yibo had taken it as the undisputed truth.

“Try me.”

He waited and this time it was Yibo who typed and retyped his text three times before his message finally appeared. 

“I don’t think we should have this conversation through text.” 

“You would rather have this on the phone?” he asked. That would be even more awkward.

“I was thinking in person.” 

_Oh._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://youtu.be/26Wvsjkkmbk


	15. Calculated Risks

The next time they saw each other was the night after, although it was hardly a private setting. It was the Weibo Awards night. He wondered whose brain-child had been this seating arrangement plan, separating him from Yibo by two spaces, as if they needed to capture them on the same frame on the projector to drive up interest, but also make sure they didn’t hog any attention by actually interacting with each other. Xiao Zhan felt like he was back in grade school and someone had given him time-out for talking in class.

It was just as well though. He hadn’t replied to Yibo’s text from last night after Yibo had evaded his question by pushing off any answers until they met in person. He didn’t want to say he was in a pissy mood, but it also wouldn’t be accurate to say he wasn’t. When he finally did see Yibo, it didn’t improve his mood any. What had his stylist done to him? He had on a baby blue jacket that had 6 pocket flaps, Harry Potter glasses, and a decidedly boyish flop to his hair. There appeared to be hardly any hairspray today; it was just as well given how much the Tencent Awards hairdo had caused him grief, with the sharp edges practically poking his eyeballs out.

Xiao Zhan sighed and then tried to quell the sound so that it wasn’t too obvious to the actress sitting next to him. He was in a fine fucking mood already if he had the mental energy to take issue with the choices of Yibo’s stylist.

He knew Yibo’s gaze shifted in his direction as he made his way to take his seat. He didn’t acknowledge it. If they had been separated from each other like naughty children, he would be hard-pressed to give anyone the satisfaction of some Romeo & Juliet bullshit from their end.

Maybe he should have had a drink to take the edge off.

He barely paid attention to the entire proceedings and tried his best – succeeding spectacularly well, he thought – to not look anywhere in Yibo’s direction. Until they called him up for his first award. Which was some category that included Yibo as well, of course. He saw Yibo leave their pew and saw him slow down, waiting like he always did. For a moment, he had the urge to grab Yibo’s hand and run off out the exit. Fuck this. Keep going somewhere where there was no one else around. At least no one who cared one way or the other.

As if to fight against his own crazy impulses, he avoided looking at Yibo almost the entire time that he was on stage and stood there, right next to the blue-jacketed wholesome goodness, ignoring him as if his entire career depended on it.

There was no satisfaction in it, of course, neither for him, nor, he assumed, for the beings that cooked up this farce. He grinned and bore it until it was finally time to walk off stage and then – when he was sure he would suffocate from the bullshit - he grabbed his water bottle to leave. The actress seated next to Yibo moved one seat over as if to offer Xiao Zhan her seat and he wanted to ask her if she thought it was as simple as moving over to make room, but really, why blame her for shit that she has no knowledge of. She likely did not want to go down in flames on Weibo tomorrow as the cockblocker separating WangXian. Xiao Zhan felt badly for her for a moment, poor thing, must have almost fallen over when she discovered which CP she was sandwiched in between.

He had a migraine.

It should have ended there. But it didn’t. While he was backstage in the changing room assigned to him, looking for the painkillers that he knew was somewhere in his suitcase, he caught the rest of the night unfolding on the small TV screen in the room. He saw Yibo walk up on stage with several other idols. He seemed unsure of where to go. With that boyish haircut and those unassuming glasses, he looked a little lost and Xiao Zhan felt a soft ache in his chest. Had he looked like this when they had both been on stage as well? He hadn’t looked enough to know. He would be damned if he would provide more fodder for the rumor mill, especially now when there was more to lose.

That thought barely crossed his head when he saw Exo’s Lay grab Yibo’s hand to take him across the stage. For a moment, Xiao Zhan stared at the screen, the water bottle forgotten in his hand. He was sure that he had seen wrong. Yes, Lay was Yibo’s friend, but… that hardly gave him reason to drag him around like he was the hero in some third-rate romance novel…

He turned away from the TV and grabbed his phone. He realized only too late that he had gotten onto Weibo when he started to see the comments scrolling through. There were so many, but one jumped out, seeming to summarize all the others.

_Go ahead, ignore him, Xiao Zhan. Someone else will snap him up in a heartbeat._

It spoke to how muddled his head was at that moment that the PR implications of this ignoring exercise escaped him entirely and instead all he focused on was the other part, the part where Lay was waiting to “snap up” Yibo. Literally “a heartbeat” after he had left the hall.

He heard the door open to his room and closed his eyes as Lisa came in.

“It’s looking bad.” She murmured, sighing.

He looked up at the TV now and saw Yibo carrying a bag that looked like it could fit all of him inside, jacket, glasses, lost smile and all. Lay was standing right next to him with a chicken in his hand.

“Yes, I can see that. What the fuck are they making them do?” for all the cursing, his voice was surprisingly quiet.

She must have glanced up at the TV then, because she shook her head as she said, “Xiao Zhan, forget all that. Forget him. He is going to ruin your career.”

He sighed before he finally forced his gaze away from Yibo. Regardless of how he felt, he was glad for a moment that Lay was there. The man seemed protective, and something in Yibo’s expression seemed like he needed it.

He leaned against the wall at his side and grabbed onto his green tea bottle, more to keep his hand occupied and not give away how tense he was, before looking back at Lisa.

“I was assured that you were both told how to go about this. And now I’m thinking either only you heeded that warning and he just ignored it, or his management conveniently told him nothing and left it in your court to carry this thing through.”

He could have told her that he had figured that out already. And it was definitely the latter option. Yibo’s management had years of experience with him. They knew the type of advice he would follow and the ones he wouldn’t. He didn’t think Yibo would listen to anything involving him. And so they hadn’t even tried. Besides, this worked out better for them. If only Xiao Zhan heeded the warning, Yibo would come out looking like the sympathetic party, even for CP fans. Hell, especially for CP fans. The fallout would be mainly on Xiao Zhan. Even if Yibo’s management didn’t exactly hope for that outcome, it was not one that mattered to them either if things did turn out that way.

“You knew this, didn’t you?” she asked now and he raised an eyebrow.

“You fucking knew they wouldn’t tell him.” She said as if he needed the clarification.

He shook his head, refuting her point or ending the conversation, he wasn’t sure. Either way worked fine with him. He was tired. The migraine had gotten worse. The medicine will likely take another twenty minutes to start working. He didn’t think he could make it through the rest of the program.

“Xiao Zhan, is there something here for me to worry about?” she asked, her tone now calmer.

He waited a moment before looking at her again.

When she waited him out, he finally asked, “What do you mean?”

“It’s one thing to give each other half-moon eyes and sweet smiles… that could be chalked up to fanservice.” his eyebrows shot up at this description of him and Yibo, but she continued, “and another thing entirely to actually become involved.”

“Why would you think…?” he started but didn’t get to finish when there was a knock on the door.

She sighed in annoyance as she reached behind her to pull the door open.

“Can I come in?” He heard Yibo’s voice at the door.

\----------


	16. Handling it

For all her annoyance, Lisa’s face softened for a moment when she saw Yibo up close, but she seemed to shake it off quickly, turning to Xiao Zhan with a look that said, _Handle it._

Then she let Yibo in and let herself out, mouthing, “Lock this!”

Yibo locked it before turning around.

They stood there for a moment staring at each other before Xiao Zhan turned away, crouching down to lock his suitcase. 

“Are you mad at me?” He heard Yibo ask.

“Yes, I am. Now go away.” He said, hoping Yibo would be offended and leave. 

“Why?” 

He closed his eyes and sighed. He was at the tail end of petulant and was about to cross into mean.

“Your general presence offends me. So, there. Now go away.” 

“If you are going to do it this way, you should at least stay in character.” 

Xiao Zhan scoffed at that assessment and turned around, one knee now on the floor with how he had been crouching next to the suitcase. It was going to crease this abominably expensive suit that he couldn’t wait to take off and send back. As bespoke as it was, it felt like it was cutting off his circulation to all major blood vessels. Even Wei Wuxian’s 80 robes had not felt as stifling. 

Yibo had already changed out of his Prairie Boy Haute Couture and was now in a pair of well-worn skinny jeans torn at the knees and a plain black shirt. His cute round glasses were gone and his hair was now under a hat that was pulled down low over his face, although Xiao Zhan could still make out his eyes, barely…

Xiao Zhan looked away, back to his suitcase, which he now opened again, he knew not why.  
Yibo was a threat to his peace of mind, prairie boy to fuckboy and everything in between.

“Leave Yibo.” He whispered, staring at the contents of his suitcase without actually seeing anything inside. 

When had Yibo ever done anything that he had asked him to.

He heard Yibo’s footsteps and quickly closed the suitcase and locked it to stand up. At least he had the advantage of height, a solid two inches at that.

He kept his back to him as he grabbed his green tea bottle to take a drink. 

He knew Yibo had a flight to catch soon. Which meant he had at most another ten minutes. He could hold off for another ten minutes…

He closed his eyes and concentrated on swallowing as he caught a whiff of leather and jasmine and something else that was distinctly Yibo.

He opened his eyes when Yibo came around his side and leaned back against the wall, watching him from under the brim of his hat. He glared back; Yibo was not the only one who could win a staring contest.

Yibo looked away first, although only to move closer to grab the green tea from him. But rather than take a drink, he put the bottle down on the vanity. 

Just as he wondered what he meant to do, Yibo pulled Xiao Zhan in by his collar to bring him flush against him, with Yibo trapped against the wall.

Xiao Zhan reflexively put his hands out on either side of Yibo’s shoulders, against the wall.

“What exactly are you mad about?” Yibo asked, his mouth only a hair's breadth away from Xiao Zhan’s.

Xiao Zhan’s eyes dropped down to Yibo’s lips, which he imagined had been the precise purpose of this particular move.

He watched those lips for a long charged moment before swinging his gaze back up to Yibo’s eyes. 

He could hear the shift in Yibo’s breathing and could tell that his lips were parted now, just enough to…

Lust was a roar in his ears, not that he would listen. At least in this regard, Yibo was right. Xiao Zhan’s body didn’t do anything his head did not allow it to, his heart be damned. 

“Fuck you.” He heard Yibo’s whisper a moment later before he let go of his collar. 

Xiao Zhan waited until Yibo pushed him off and started to walk away before pulling him back. Then he tossed Yibo's hat on the floor before crushing their lips together. His hands were under the back of Yibo’s t-shirt a moment later, his fingers pressing into Yibo’s heated skin as the motion also pressed Yibo’s body into his. It took him a moment to realize that Yibo’s hands were in between them and that he had already made quick work of the buttons on both Xiao Zhan’s suit jacket and the white shirt underneath.

He took both of Yibo’s hands in his and pinned them up against the wall over his head. Yibo was panting by then and Xiao Zhan waited until he caught his breath to look at him. But then, Yibo’s gaze dropped down and Xiao Zhan saw him taking stock of the suit and shirt that were gaping open. When he looked up, Yibo’s eyes were hooded and his jaw clenched. 

Xiao Zhan pressed Yibo’s wrists even more tightly against the wall and heard him growl. 

When Xiao Zhan didn’t move any further, Yibo closed his eyes. Xiao Zhan could see that he was trying to even out his breaths, gain some control back... 

His eyes dropped to Yibo’s mouth, his gaze greedy now that he knew Yibo wasn’t watching, and before long, Yibo’s tongue darted out as it was wont to do at regular intervals to drive the world crazy. He caught that tongue between his lips and saw Yibo’s eyes fly open. He felt the shudder through Yibo’s body as he sucked on his tongue and pressed hard into the v between his thighs. 

The roaring in his ears was back and he thought he would come just from rubbing against Yibo, pants still on and all.

It took him a moment to realize that the thundering in his ears was not lust, but someone knocking at the door. 

_Where the fuck were they anyways?_

He pulled back and heard Yibo’s soft moan as his mouth followed to bring him back.

He pressed his lips back against Yibo’s and grabbed him around the waist in a tight hug before moving to whisper in his ear, “There’s someone at the door.” 

He could physically feel Yibo’s momentary confusion before he felt him go limp in his arms.

The knock sounded again. And this time, Xiao Zhan called out, “On a call. Give me a moment please.” 

“Alright.” Came the reply from outside. 

That was Singer. Xiao Zhan was glad that it was Yibo’s bodyguard and not his manager. 

Yibo’s eyes widened as he looked at the watch on his wrist. “Shit!” he muttered. 

Xiao Zhan pulled back and looked down at himself. For all that Yibo was the one still fighting disorientation, Xiao Zhan was the one with half his clothes open. 

When he looked up, he saw that Yibo was watching him button up his suit, rubbing unconsciously at his wrists, which is when Xiao Zhan noticed the marks around them. He grabbed Yibo’s wrists to look. 

“Fuck!” he said, trying to rub away the slight bruising.

“It’s alright!” Yibo said, pulling his hands back. 

“Clearly I’m a fucking savage.” He remarked, shaking his head, itching to run his hands through his hair, but knowing it not possible without giving his own stylist an apoplectic fit. He still had to figure out how to look presentable and go back into this event for its last quarter.

“Who would have thought.” Yibo smiled now and winked before picking up his hat from the floor. 

Once he put his hat back on, he came back to Xiao Zhan’s side, smoothing out the lines of his suit and collar and fixing a stray swirl of hair that had fallen onto his forehead. Xiao Zhan thought of returning the favor, but aside from Yibo’s reddened wrists, there were no other signs that he had been about to be taken against a wall. So, instead, Xiao Zhan pulled Yibo’s wrists to him and pressed his lips against them before letting him go, pulling the brim of his hat way lower on his head, now almost fully covering his eyes. Which is when he noticed Yibo’s lips. Maybe the wrists were not the only sign of what he had been up to. But then again, Yibo had a habit of chewing his lips to bits on a regular basis. Who’s to say this time it had been someone else’s pleasure. 

Yibo paused by the door and looked back. 

Xiao Zhan tilted his head at his expression. Then he smiled. And Yibo smiled back that smile that broke hearts galore. 

Then he was gone. 

He heard the door open five minutes later and prepared himself as Lisa walked in.

“So?” she asked when he turned around to face her. He hoped he looked just as he had before. Impeccable. Subdued. Miserable. Or any combination thereof.  
“It’s been handled.” He said in what he hoped was his most grim and serious tone. 

Lisa sighed. Then she gave him a sympathetic look. 

And he tried to not drown in guilt as he walked back into the venue and sat next to the seat that Yibo had recently vacated. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yibo and his distracting habit ;)  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/B_QiYl6I3ut/?igshid=quby1onde2lq


	17. Quarantine – Part 1 (Let It Simmer)

The next two weeks were a blur. Yibo was in Hengdian and Xiao Zhan had the Douluo Continent post-production to finish, not to mention some left-over bits for the Wolf, which he hoped would come out some time soon. It had been good to keep busy, because the fall-out from the Weibo night had been disastrous. 

Yibo had been up in arms about it, only really realizing what happened once he was back in Hengdian. Then he had peppered him with questions over the phone and text, figuring out rather quickly that he had been kept out of the loop, asking why Xiao Zhan had agreed to whatever he had agreed to do that night without at least consulting with him, that he was not as rash as his management thought he was nor in need of kid-glove-handling, like Xiao Zhan evidently thought he did, and on and on, the grievances went. It turned worse once he read netizen comments deriding Xiao Zhan for any number of faults ranging from _The fame has gone to his head_ , _He was just using Yibo to boost his popularity_ , _He was never sincere with Yibo to begin with_ , _He uses all those pretty words to cover up what a huge faker he is_ , _Yibo can definitely do better_. And those were just the decent ones. 

Xiao Zhan knew he would be lying to himself if he said it didn’t get to him, because of course it did, but Lisa was quick to shut off his access to Weibo. Remind him that he had been through worse with people who wielded actual influence over his opportunities and pay. She thought of fans’ sentiments like willows in a breeze. Easily swayed this way and that. And just as easily manipulated too. Everything could change tomorrow with a leaked video here and a coded word there. He had appreciated her efforts to want to right his ship, but the method had made him want to throw up and he had been quick to put a stop to that. He was not going to manipulate the public version of his relationship with Yibo. Hell, if it was up to him, there would be no public version of his relationship with Yibo. The show was over. Their collaboration was over. Everyone could move on with their lives. Fans who couldn’t had extensive BTS videos Tencent was still releasing to till their imagination. It did not require any new material. He would be damned if he would provide any more to titillate or dismay or calm or distress or anything in between. It was nobody’s business.

Things did quiet down after the first week; he had heard from Lisa that there were enough of his own fans offering all the explanations in the world for his behavior the night of Weibo. It didn’t take a profiler to figure out why two people would act as differently as they had done between the Tencent awards and the Weibo night. As far as logical explanations went, there were only a few; either he and Yibo had had a huge falling out in the few days in between the two award shows or they had been specifically asked to cool it with the chitchat. 

And then shit hit the fan in an entirely unexpected way. Wuhan happened.

The breadth of the problem, crazily enough, only became evident once they actually shut down the city of 11 million. It was an incredible feat, one that did not even seem feasible. Then came the gradual shut down of a whole slew of towns and cities until almost all dramas being filmed in Hengdian paused too. 

He hadn’t been able to reach Yibo for those last days on the phone, although he was able to get a text from Yibo that he was alright and returning to his flat in Beijing. Xiao Zhan’s own schedule had been put on pause as well and after what seemed like years, eons maybe, he was confronted with that particular dimension of existence called time... and evidently a ton of it... 

The first two days, he went stir crazy, minutes and hours yawning out in front of him like an abyss. The only welcome reprieve had been FaceTiming his parents and friends, being able to actually spend some time on his conversations rather than the fifteen-minute check-ins he usually had to schedule in between events, shoots, and shows. 

When three days stretched into four and five and he started to slowly grasp the magnitude of what was coming, he managed to order a truly gargantuan amount of groceries, mostly non-perishables but also a fair amount of the fresh stuff. Being in the kitchen was both an indulgence and a nostalgia for him; the fact that it produced things that appealed to his palate and stomach seemed an afterthought. Which was really saying something given how much he truly enjoyed food.

He had taken to watching hours upon hours of YouTube cooking videos and experimenting, which calmed the sort of frazzled boredom that had taken ahold of his hours and his senses. 

He was in the middle of one such experiment late in the afternoon when Yibo rang his doorbell. 

He almost fell over when he opened the door and saw him standing there. Mask, hat, baggy clothes, the Nike bag that had definitely seen better days hanging off an arm… he looked down… a carry-on.

“Are you coming here straight from Hengdian?” he asked, his eyes wide, as he opened the door to let him in.

“Would it make you feel better if I say I am?” Yibo asked as he rolled the small suitcase in.

His head tilted at this cryptic answer.

“No, it wouldn’t. What is the alternative? That you went home and repacked your suitcase and carried it over here?” he asked sarcastically.

Yibo didn’t answer as he left the suitcase in the hallway and walked into the kitchen.

“What smells good?” he asked, lifting the lid off of the pot on the stove.

Xiao Zhan watched him from the hallway, taking in the exaggerated swagger to his walk and the nervous hunch to his shoulders. 

He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, watching Yibo’s back until it stiffened even tighter.

“Are you moving in to quarantine with me because you’re crazy about me? Or because you’re afraid of being alone in the dark for nights on end?”

There was a moment’s pause before Yibo’s shoulders sagged a bit, but he still didn’t look back as he said, “Obviously because I’m crazy about you.”

Indeed.

“We don’t know how long this is going to last. I could literally drive you crazy.” He thought it fair to warn even as he rolled the carry-on to the guest room.

When he returned to the kitchen, Yibo was leaning against the counter, the ease of the posture belied by his fingers clutching the counter at his back, knuckles white. “You’ll let me stay?” he asked, his face uncertain.

Xiao Zhan walked closer to him, although in the guise of checking on the dish on the stove, even taking a ladle of it to taste – it was one of the more successful experiments, thank all that is Holy – before extending it in Yibo’s direction, an eyebrow raised with, “Do you dare?” 

Yibo raised an eyebrow back at him before tasting. “Not bad.” Was his assessment.

Xiao Zhan nodded and grabbed two bowls from the cupboard. 

“Room and board will be what I lost in endorsements because I hung you out to dry on the Weibo stage.” He said as he took out two spoons. 

He saw Yibo’s smile from the corner of his eye as he ladled the soup into the bowls.

“Who told you to abandon your didi?” Yibo asked as he grabbed the filled bowls and walked to the small island in the middle of the kitchen.

“I must have missed that memo. “ _Please do not abandon Didi. His fans will tear you a new one for every sappy look he sends your way that you do not reciprocate in kind like some lovesick fool_.”” He said with air quotes, getting two cups out and filling them with water.

Yibo scoffed. “Little do they know you were the lovesick fool since day 1.” 

Xiao Zhan paused in his movements and when Yibo looked in his direction, he raised an eyebrow, putting the glasses back on the counter.

They held each other’s gazes, Yibo’s daring him to deny it. 

He said nothing and after another long moment, turned back to the counter to grab the glasses.

They ate in relative quiet; a tension now present that hadn’t been there before. 

He thought of saying something to reassure Yibo, not wanting him to feel awkward or beholden to him simply because he was putting him up, but then decided against it. 

Let the tension simmer. He wanted to see what came out at the end of it.

\---


	18. Quarantine - Part 2 (Stalemate)

His phone rang when he was almost done with his soup and he excused himself to go get it. It was his mother calling to check in like she did three times a day, even though he had assured her many times already that he was homebound and that his flat had excellent security. She was constantly worried that he was going to be mobbed to death one of these days by both his fans and his antis. That, or die of starvation. He had taken to FaceTiming her during his meals so that she could see visual proof that he was eating well – more than well, in fact, because after all, someone had to finish the fruits of his daily experimentations in gastronomy. He glanced at Yibo in the kitchen; now he had some help in that department.

“Mom, Yibo is here.” He said in between without preamble.

“Aww…” was her immediate reply and he rolled his eyes. “Is he afraid of being alone in his apartment?” she asked. Xiao Zhan had to wonder if all the information that his mother knew about Wang Yibo came only from what her son shared or from her own research. He had been careful to not say too much, as if his mother could weigh each of his words for its mass and volume in hidden feelings. But he had to admit, like most of the world around him, at some point during the past two years, his mother had fallen head over heels for Wang Yibo and considered herself his biggest fan. Xiao Zhan had told her Yibo had a lot of “biggest fans,” particularly in her exact age group. Mamas who wanted to protect and pamper Yibo. Well, Mamas and Geges, because Lord knew there were a fair number of the those too, starting with that makeup artist who was always by Yibo’s side, the one who thought no one was onto him. Xiao Zhan could have told him that he had seen through him the first time they had met – Wang Yibo’s gege numero uno. By the time he was done fighting all the geges, he was sure he would be an old man. 

“A bit, maybe. I just wanted to let you know so that you won’t freak out when you see him around the flat when you FaceTime. Warn dad too.” 

“Alright. Feed him well, ok?” she added. 

“I will.” He said as he walked back into kitchen, noticing that Yibo was trying to wash the dishes left over from their dinner. He thought of stopping him, but then thought better of it. It was better to let him help. Xiao Zhan passed him the kitchen towel when he was done washing and Yibo took it without saying anything, readily drying the bowls he washed and putting them away in the cupboard. Xiao Zhan busied himself with transferring the soup to storage containers and they worked in relative silence until the chore was over. 

He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room before the awkward silence ensued once again, saying, “I'll get you a towel and extra blankets. The bathroom is adjacent to my bedroom. There are double sinks. There is only a shower stall, no tub.” He paused and looked into the living room, gesturing to the couch, “The remotes are hidden in that storage console in the sofa.” He paused and took stock of the rest of his flat to see what else he needed to show Yibo. _Ah, the balcony_. “There’s an enclosed balcony off the living room.” He pointed to his sanctuary of sorts. The bottom half of the balcony walls was covered with bamboo sidings and the rest of the glass covered in one-way vision film and good ol' curtains for some much-needed privacy, the one thing that he now valued above most else. The main décor was plants, pots and pots of them, some hanging, some climbing, and the ones in the corners rather large with wide dark green leaves that seemed to lend a particular type of horticultural gravitas to the space. As much time as he spent on the balcony when he was home, his one indulgence had been to make it heated so that he could use it in the winter too. For seating, there was an outdoor sofa set, one a love seat and the other a single and a small coffee table. 

He walked out through the sliding doors of the living room into the balcony to the make sure there were blankets on the sofas before turning around to face Yibo. “You’re welcome to the balcony too. There’s seating. It’s heated.” Yibo looked out to where he gestured, but otherwise did not move from where he stood leaning against the kitchen island. 

Well, okay, then.

“I’m going to jump in the shower.” He said as he started walking to the hallway closet to grab the spare blanket and towels. But then paused and turned around, “Unless you want to shower first?” he asked.

He thought Yibo would decline, but he nodded instead. 

_Okay, spoken language had been dispensed with altogether._

Once Yibo went into the shower, Xiao Zhan walked out onto the balcony. It was already past 6. Yibo looked tired and seemed like he may want to sleep early, well, at least retire early. He wanted Yibo to be comfortable and so he grabbed the book he had been reading out to the balcony, closing the sliding doors behind him. The sun had already gone down and the horizon held a welcome rusty hue that was truly a sight to behold. He sat down with the book, some epic tome of historical fiction that he had ambitiously started a week ago because… quarantine. He was only a quarter of the way through, although it was interesting enough to keep going. When the next thirty minutes passed by and he barely read a word, listening instead for every sound that would alert him to Yibo’s location and movement, he sighed and put the book aside, going back into the living room. 

The guest room light was on and the door closed. He heard Yibo speaking softly on the phone when he passed by the room, briefly catching “Mom” in between, but nothing else. And then he too went off to shower and then to bed. He slept only fitfully, but it was only to be expected. Tomorrow and the day after would come soon enough for them to talk it out. At least he hoped.

xxxx

The next morning, he woke up at 6, rather early for quarantine. Yibo’s room remained closed and Xiao Zhan tried to not make too much noise as he moved through his daily ablutions that would otherwise be accompanied by quite a raucous soundtrack of Exo’s greatest hits. 

He made some tea in the kitchen and made his way over to the balcony to pick up where he had left off, settling back with the book that had been abandoned on the coffee table the night before. Dawn had just broken through and for most of his tea sipping, he merely stared off into the distance, watching the sun rise, feeling less antsy than he had felt all week now that the worry that he didn’t know he had been carrying around with him was sleeping inside, safe and sound. 

He did manage to read for about an hour before he decided to make breakfast. He knew Yibo would starve rather than ask him for food, given the impasse that they appeared to be in. It seemed silly in hindsight, whatever they were fighting about. If it could even be called a fight. He went about on autopilot mixing and spreading out the pancakes as he mused about what he was really upset about. That Yibo had at some point figured out that his feelings were not entirely platonic? That he didn’t know how long ago it had been that that had happened (although by Yibo’s comment yesterday, it appeared to be ages)? That Yibo seemed to take his feelings for granted?... or that Yibo’s feelings were only the reciprocated kind and not the sort that came from some lovelorn epiphany that had nothing to do with knowing Xiao Zhan’s feelings on the matter one way or the other. 

By the time he was done with making breakfast, the unhappy trail of his thoughts had eaten away at his appetite and he left the stack of pancakes in the warmed oven with a note on the counter alerting Yibo where he could find breakfast. And then he returned to the balcony. 

Another hour went by before he heard Yibo moving around inside. He peeked in to make sure that the breakfast did not go to waste – it did not; he saw Yibo eat a stack of three pancakes with his eyes glued to his phone – before he returned once again to his book. He heard the washing of dishes and a few minutes later, the TV being turned on. The sound of the TV was quiet, although he could tell that Yibo was flipping channels for a while before he settled on something to watch. An hour later, he heard the TV shut off and Yibo’s footsteps walking away before he heard a door open and close.

Xiao Zhan made lunch, leaving a plate of it covered on the kitchen island before taking his own portion off to the balcony. He fell asleep on the couch afterwards, the book resting on his chest, and did not wake until almost 6 in the evening. He felt disoriented when he woke and, for a moment, he became alarmed that Yibo had packed up and left while he slept. A quick check inside the flat reassured him that that had not happened; he could hear sounds of some game from inside the guest room and assumed that Yibo had come well-prepared for this Quarantine nest-in with his Xbox. When Xiao Zhan went to the kitchen to make dinner, he found a note on the counter that said, “Thank you for breakfast and lunch. I won’t need dinner.” 

He sighed. He knew that Yibo had a full-on stubborn streak. Oy, but sometimes, so did he. And he found that he was in no mood to be the first one to end this stupid pointless stalemate. If Yibo was going to be a spoiled brat, then he could stay that way. He would be damned if he would give in first. 

xxx


	19. Quarantine – Part 3 (Hotel Rwanda)

It likely spoke to the nature of the quarantine and the assurance that the other would not go anywhere that they kept up their post-it talk for another three days. Xiao Zhan had all but moved into the balcony, eating, reading, zooming with his studio staff, brooding, and sleeping all throughout the day, right there on the balcony. One night, he had even fallen asleep there, but it had grown too cold overnight, which had woken him up and sent him off to the warmth of his bedroom. 

Yibo continued to accept breakfast and lunch and decline dinners and Xiao Zhan got into the habit of skipping dinner as well, grabbing some fruits, cheese, and a glass of wine to keep him company with his book. He rarely finished the wine, but he liked having it there in the event he cared to finish it. 

His mother had finally asked yesterday – after two whole days of not seeing the unicorn that had taken up residence in his flat – whether Yibo had gone back. He had shaken his head and had made up some excuse about Yibo still having a whole bunch of work zoom calls that he had to manage. It very well could be true, for all he knew. If his mother suspected that they had had a fall-out, she kept it to herself, especially once she figured out that he changed the subject rather quickly whenever she brought up Yibo. Even his father had appeared that first day after Yibo had moved in, looking surreptitiously through the phone screen and into his flat to see if he could get a sighting. When Xiao Zhan had cocked an eyebrow, he had grinned sheepishly, but had asked nothing further. 

Yibo had taken to lounging in the living room during the mornings and afternoons after breakfast and lunch. By 6 o’clock, he would be in his room and wouldn’t come out until the next morning. Thus, the third night after the start of their silent treatment, Xiao Zhan thought it safe to watch some TV in the living room, something he had not done since Yibo had arrived. He watched the news for some time even though he had been getting steady updates through his phone and through his chats with his staff. Matters in Wuhan had deteriorated significantly and his studio had been brainstorming and narrowing down choices as to how to be of assistance in a way that would be practically helpful rather than solely of the monetary kind. Fortunately, they had managed to secure a decent stock of ventilators and PPEs that they hoped would prove useful to the medical team that had been assigned to Wuhan. 

Once the news was over, he thought he would put on something a bit more uplifting, maybe one of his preferred movies, but when he went through his DVD collection, the one that drew his attention was Hotel Rwanda, hidden amongst the pile of movies that had been set aside as “yet to be seen.”

He put the movie in and just as the credits started rolling, he heard Yibo’s door open. He snuck a glance quickly before turning back to the TV. Yibo appeared none the worse for wear, clad now in a pair of dark sweats and t-shirt. Xiao Zhan fought the urge to run his fingers over his own chin, which now sported a five o’clock shadow. He had long since abandoned his contact lenses in favor of his glasses – infinitely more comfortable given his tendency to doze off in the middle of the day nowadays – thin square things that had seemed sleek when he bought it, but now reminded him of a professor. Especially in contrast to the idol with naturally silky blown out hair walking through his flat. 

He thought Yibo only stepped out to get something from the kitchen and was thus surprised when, instead of walking in that direction, he sat down at the other end of the three-seater couch in the living room. There was no acknowledgment in this direction, thus Xiao Zhan did not offer any as well. However, a moment later, Yibo picked up the remote and turned the movie off. 

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes on a sigh. He was not in the mood to indulge this petty shit. And he was tired of the fucking balcony. Which is where he will be returning to now. He got up from the couch and started to walk away when he felt Yibo take his hand. 

He paused and looked back. 

“I’m sorry. Stay.” Yibo said, extending the remote in his direction.

He took in Yibo’s expression and for a moment, he did think of staying. Then he shook his head. “It’s alright. Watch what you want to. I don’t mind.” 

He moved to walk away, but Yibo didn’t let go of his hand. “Please.” He said, now clicking the play button on the remote. 

Xiao Zhan sat down, squeezing Yibo’s hand before letting go. “I don’t think you’ll like this movie.” he was about to hit 'stop' when Yibo asked, “Why, is it horror?”

He paused, tilted his head, and then leaned back against the couch. “It’s based on a true story.” He offered instead of saying yes or no. And a way worse kind of horror than the type that usually scared Yibo.

“Oh.” Yibo said before he leaned back as well.

Xiao Zhan dimmed the lights as he usually did when he watched movies and moved the blanket that was on his side of the couch towards Yibo’s side. 

There was a radio broadcast of sorts playing along with the opening credits and he only caught a part of it as he was half consumed with thoughts of whether to warn Yibo about the movie. 

What would he say? _Yibo, this is a movie about a Genocide. The killing of an entire people by their own, only because those who colonized them had found a particularly morbid way to divide and conquer?_

He sighed. And ultimately found that he just didn’t have the words. And thus, the movie rolled past its credits and into the opening frames.

When Don Cheadle came on screen, Yibo pointed, saying, “Oh I like him. _Iron Man 2, House of Lies_ , _Ocean’s 12_ and _13_.” He listed off. Xiao Zhan had only seen the first _Iron Man_ , not the second, and didn’t know Don Cheadle had been in the second one, or really, in any of the _Ocean’s 11+_ movies. He had seen _Crash_ , however, and had liked the actor in that one. 

Praise for Don Cheadle decided the fate of the movie’s viewing, and watch they did, with the rest of the movie passing in relative silence. There was only once when Xiao Zhan walked off to the kitchen in the guise of getting a drink so that he could grab a tissue. The movie was the kind of horror that made both his eyes and his stomach sick. There was not a peep from Yibo’s end though and he looked over once to make sure that he had not fallen asleep. He hadn’t. But he was almost entirely hidden under the blanket and Xiao Zhan couldn’t make out much of his features in the dark to see what sort of an impression the movie was leaving on Yibo. 

By the time the movie ended, Xiao Zhan was of the opinion that it had not been a good movie to watch with company, especially the present one. He waited until Yibo walked off to his room – without so much as a good night – to go lie down in his own, feeling sick to his stomach. His eyes felt heavy, like a dam that needed to be held in but needed to be let out too. He didn’t know when he drifted off to sleep, but it was the sort that was broken by anxious dreams about knocks on doors and hiding under bus seats, his heart pounding all through, its beats indistinguishable from rifle shots. He woke up from one such dream in sobs. It took him a moment to figure out that he wasn’t crying. And now that he was awake, he could tell that the sobbing wasn’t even loud… it was quite faint in fact… as if… he got up and walked to the wall that he shared with the guest room. He could hear it a bit better now, they were muffled sobs, but sobs nonetheless. 

A moment later, he was knocking quietly on Yibo’s door. When there was no answer, he tried the knob and let himself in when he found it open.

He couldn’t see Yibo as the blanket was covering him wholly, head and all, but he could hear it nonetheless, Yibo weeping as if someone had died. 

He didn’t think more of what he was doing and climbed onto the bed, lifting the blanket and gathering Yibo close to him. “Hey hey…” he murmured, smoothing Yibo’s hair back. It was drenched in sweat and his face and neck were soaked in tears.

“It’s just a nightmare. You just had a nightmare.” He tried to keep his voice even and soothing. 

Yibo turned to him then, burying his face against his chest. The sobs didn’t quiet down though and he didn’t know how long he held Yibo like that. After a while, he ran out of words of reassurance and just held him, hoping that was enough to buffer the grief, the veritable cascade of it that kept flowing and flowing without end. 

In the wee hours of dawn, they fell asleep like that, Yibo’s face still buried against his completely soaked chest. Xiao Zhan woke up briefly after Yibo had fallen asleep, saw the slight shiver to Yibo’s frame, and turned him around so that he could spoon him from behind, wrapping him in as much heat as his own body could generate, before pulling the blanket over them. 

xxx


	20. Quarantine – Part 4 (A Million Times Over)

His eyes felt swollen shut when he tried to open them and after a moment, he gave up trying. It took him another moment to register the warm body in his embrace. He was holding Yibo so close that he could smell the softness of his nape and feel the hard flatness of his belly against his palm. 

Yibo’s even breaths were doing a convincing enough job of making him seem asleep, if not for the red tips of his ears. Xiao Zhan moved his index finger, drawing a light line through the ridges of Yibo’s abs as if his hand had only moved accidentally and watched a flush climb up Yibo’s neck. His thumb teased the edge of Yibo’s belly button and, although almost imperceptible, he felt it when those muscles contracted under his finger. 

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes, telling himself to start counting sheep. Holding Yibo was like being allowed to only look at the birthday cake your mom made for you and told to wait when all you wanted to was gorge on it, licking off every last bit of frosting from all ten fingers and pass out, the pleasure so unparalleled that you didn’t even mind waking up to pay for your overindulgence. 

But just a kiss wouldn’t be overindulgence. Just one kiss. 

Bullshit. Even the greediest part of his brain knew that kissing Yibo only once was like feeding a coke habit with weed. 

Cake. Coke. His similes in describing Yibo were not reassuring in the least. 

He remembered the last time he had indulged in his Yibo habit. Bruised wrists. Swollen lips. A hard-on that wouldn’t quit. All in the span of ten minutes. Yes, yes, it was all coming back to him now. 

And now, Yibo was in his bed in the middle of a quarantine with nowhere to be but here. If he did not proceed with caution, he didn’t think they would get out of bed for days. Weeks. They may have to send a search party at the end of the quarantine to find them, bed-bound and starved, but fucked-out to kingdom come. 

His mind had always been far head of the rest of him, and even in conceiving scenarios of a blissful death, it had outdone itself. 

His eyes refocused from the machinations of his Yibo-starved brain to what was in front of him. Yibo again… with his addicting smell… argh…

He pulled back gently, trying to not let Yibo know of all the lust-hockey his mind enjoyed tormenting him with, his dick the poor puck. 

“You okay?” he asked once their bodies were no longer touching.

Yibo nodded and then turned around to face him. His eyes were swollen and red. Without thinking, Xiao Zhan reached out to touch the corner of one eye, as if remembering the tears there that had now long since dried.

Yibo looked up, his eyes soft now, and Xiao Zhan fought the urge to kiss him again. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I should have warned you about the movie.”

Yibo shook his head. “It was a good movie.” His voice was low, still hoarse with sleep.

“It gave you nightmares.” Xiao Zhan reminded him.

Yibo shook his head again. “I didn’t even sleep until you came.” 

It took a moment to understand what he was really saying and when he did, he did take Yibo in his arms again. 

“You’re the sensitive sort, aren’t you?” he whispered in Yibo’s ear, gathering him close. 

“I don’t know.” Yibo answered truthfully, softening into his embrace.

“You cried for hours.” He teased, rubbing his nose against Yibo’s.

“It was so sad.” He said, as if that explained it all.

“What am I going to do with you?” he whispered, combing back the hair on Yibo’s forehead to press his lips against his temple. 

“You can start by never giving me the silent treatment again.” 

Xiao Zhan pulled back at this proclamation, his eyes wide. “You’re the one who kept it up for four days!”

“You have home-base advantage. Shouldn’t you be making your guest feel welcome?”

“Guest!” he scoffed. “Besides, I cooked for you and vacated almost the entire flat so you had enough room to feel comfortable.”

“What does any of that matter if you won’t even talk to me?”

“If you were so bothered by it, why didn’t you attempt to fix it? Are you that stubborn?”

Yibo didn’t say anything, but he turned around so that he was once again in the same position that they had woken up in, with Xiao Zhan spooning him from the back.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m imagining this whole thing in my head. That you don’t really like me like I think you do. Or maybe I like you a lot more than you like me.” Yibo whispered afterwards and Xiao Zhan unconsciously tightened his hold around Yibo’s waist.

He hadn’t known there was this bit of insecurity hiding under the surface of all of Yibo’s confidence… bravado, rather. 

“And I thought you only do all the shit that you do because you’re convinced that I can like you no less no matter what.” 

They were quiet for a while after that. Eventually, when he thought it safe to ask, he did. “How did you really figure out that I liked you?” 

Yibo closed his eyes. 

He wasn’t going to answer. Which made Xiao Zhan wonder once again what he had done that had so definitively convinced Yibo of his feelings.

“Scenery.” Yibo’s voice was low.

“Scenery? What is that? Some code word? Wait, is that the song that I sang?”

Yibo shook his head. “On your laptop.”

“On my laptop?” he asked, pulling back. 

Rather than answering, Yibo said, “Go get it. And you’ll see.” 

He couldn’t make heads and tails out of this explanation, but he found himself moving, getting his laptop from his room and returning to climb back into bed with Yibo, who was now sitting up against the headboard, pillows propped against his back.

He opened the laptop and looked back at Yibo before opening the Search bar to type in _Scenery_. The first thing that popped up was a photo folder titled the same. 

_Fuck_. He remembered now. That folder contained the photos from the summer of 2018. And indeed, it had a very clearly laid out sequentially ordered pictorial proof of evidence of him falling for his co-star. 

He swallowed hard as he tried to absorb what this meant. “When did you see this?” 

He could see the apprehension in Yibo’s eyes. “Remember that day when I asked to use your laptop?”

“When? You mean, during that summer? When we were filming the show?”

Yibo nodded.

“You’ve known since then?” his voice was an incredulous whisper.

“I found the pictures then, quite by accident. I didn’t mean to pry. But I didn’t really know what the pictures meant.” Yibo paused as if thinking of whether to say more. When Xiao Zhan waited, he continued, “And then you were gone for a few days and I sort of had time to think it through without being awkward around you, you know.” Xiao Zhan shook his head, feeling embarrassment heating his entire body. 

“And then when you came back from Joy of Life after three days, I thought I would magically figure out what the pictures really meant. But you didn’t seem any different. In truth, I watched you a lot during that time and really didn’t see any difference in how you treated me and the other guys.”

Xiao Zhan thought back to those days. He had worked quite hard to make sure no one could tell what he was feeling. At least he thought he had.

“Remember my birthday?” Yibo asked then and Xiao Zhan nodded. He didn’t have to remember, there was visual proof of that in the BTS videos, counting down to Yibo's birthday at midnight, the cake, the freaking caterpillar. Ok, so maybe he hadn’t been all that subtle. maybe… 

“When we were on top of that roof that night… I sort of figured it out then.”

Yibo was quiet after that, watching and waiting. 

“A whole two years you’ve known?” Xiao Zhan finally said on an exhale.

Yibo nodded slowly, hesitantly. “And given you my answer a million times over.” 

xxx

Comments = Love :)


	21. Quarantine – Part 5 (Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... I am not sure if this warrants a rating change. I decided against it so as to not disappoint "E" readers, but if "M" readers are offended, do let me know.. I'm not sure what I can do about it, but at least I'll know :)  
> Edit: Yea, rating upped. I guess I'm easier to convince than anticipated.  
> \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He stood at the toaster oven, waiting for the ding, absently staring at the orange filament heating up inside. 

_And given you my answer a million times over._

Those lines ricocheted inside his head, back and forth and back and forth, as images from the past two years with Yibo spun out like a thousand pages falling out of its bindings. 

Yibo running his hands through his hair, stroking it absently.

Yibo interrupting one of his interviews, holding up his hanfu as a reflector, pressing up against his side.

Yibo sending him finger-hearts when he had been annoyed at his antics on set and had walked away.

Yibo smiling, asking for a picture with Zhan ge.

 _Zhan ge, Didi Ai Ni_ …. He exhaled as that now took on a whole new meaning.

Xuan Lu telling him that Yibo had taken him back on his bike that last night after the cast dinner when he had gotten rip-roaring drunk. Even though he remembered almost none of it, from time to time when he heard Bu Wang, he imagined that Yibo had indeed sang it to him first, his voice broken and stilted with unshed tears and unsaid wishes. He had chalked all of it up to his imagination, although now he wasn’t sure.

Yibo’s face when he had gotten annoyed with the presenter at the Thailand stage show for that waist comment.

Yibo apologizing to him readily for any slight, big or small, his voice taking on that plaintive _Zhan Ge, I’m Sorry If I…_ _Zhan Ge, I’m sorry if that was_ … as if the, _It’s alright, don’t worry about it_ really did mean everything to him.

Yibo’s fans teasing him that they could only get side-shots of his profile if Xiao Zhan was even within a mile radius of him. 

Yibo who had let him borrow his bodyguards back when his management hadn’t thought he needed them. Yibo who let him borrow his van when his management hadn’t arranged transportation for him.

Yibo, whose UNIQ brother had proclaimed would be the best boyfriend anyone could ever have because he didn’t know how to pretend emotions he didn’t feel and was the most loyal being on the planet.

Yibo, whose make-up artist hyung had given him a look that, in hindsight, had patently meant, _You don’t even deserve his pinky._

The toaster sounded just then, startling him, and he grabbed the pieces of toasts from inside, piling them onto a plate. Then he abandoned them on the counter to walk back to the guest room. Yibo was just coming back from the bathroom, the towel pressed to his face. He paused when he saw Xiao Zhan’s expression. His lips parted in question, but he didn’t get to voice it when Xiao Zhan walked to him and pulled him against the wall at their side, crowding into him.

Yibo’s eyes widened as he dropped the towel and brought his arms to hold onto Xiao Zhan to remain upright.

And then his heart was beating too fast to process anything because Xiao Zhan’s eyes were all fire. 

“You know how long I’ve wanted you?” rather than Xiao Zhan’s words, Yibo felt the vibration of his voice against his throat, and they caught on his nerves like a spark.

“Since I saw this mouth up close.” Xiao Zhan murmured as he pulled back, his eyes now roving over those lips as if proving the point exactly.

And then he was on his lips, taking them so fully, that Yibo gave a small gasp. It opened his mouth and Xiao Zhan went in like he had done that day in the dressing room. It was not a learning-each-other kiss as much as it was a fall-off-a-cliff-of-pent-up-need kiss.

He pulled back after a moment to look at Yibo, catching his still stupefied expression, throwing Yibo's words back at him, “Hey K-drama queen, you going to only take and not give anything back?”

That brought Yibo back to earth and he pushed Xiao Zhan back for a second to shrug his t-shirt over his head. It caught Xiao Zhan off-guard so much that he stumbled back another step. An another when he saw Yibo’s body. He had seen it in pictures before, of course. But, seeing it in person was….

He took another step back and his body hit the wall. He leaned back fully to take in the sight. When his eyes finally came back to Yibo’s face, he saw no cockiness there as he would have expected for having been endowed with one of the most glorious things that he had ever seen in creation.

Instead, all Yibo said was, “You’re too far away now.”

He was indeed. He pulled off his own shirt before walking back the few steps to Yibo, feeling as if he had waited an eon. He had loved him as Wei Wuxian and had been glad that there had been at least that. But then weeks and months and a couple of years passed and he had had to get adjusted to those feelings not fading with time as they should have. Yibo didn’t let it fade with all those little things he did. A text here, an emoji there, a voicemail here, a message there, a smile here, a gaze there, and then… his own brand of eternal adoration. 

At the first press of naked skin against naked skin, Xiao Zhan paused, savoring the heat. He knew that he was still skinnier than he would like to be, but he was also all long lean muscle, the running that he had taken up a necessary stamina builder for all his roles in the past two years helping out in that way. He was no Yibo, not even by a long shot, but he thought he was a good enough complement to Yibo’s splendor. 

He could feel the tiny contractions of Yibo’s abdominal muscles wherever their skin touched. He could get used to doing this to Yibo… He turned his head to press a kiss against Yibo’s neck, which quickly turned to a lick of his tongue against Yibo’s adam’s apple. 

He heard Yibo’s soft moan and kissed his way back up to his ear and whispered, “Can I take you to bed?” 

Yibo pulled back to look at him, his eyes now taking on that look that Xiao Zhan had seen during almost all the photoshoots that they had done together.

It was enough for Xiao Zhan to pull Yibo into his room where there was blessedly a bed. He did not want to do Yibo for the first time standing up. Whatever that ‘do’ involved.

He was on top of Yibo’s body when they were finally on the bed and when he tried to keep himself lifted up a bit so that he wouldn’t put his entire body weight on him, Yibo pulled him down until they were flat against each other. 

“I am going to crush you.” 

He heard Yibo sigh. “Press down harder. This feels so good.” 

“What am I, a weighted blanket?” he asked in his ears, his lips brushing against the tiny earring there, enjoying how the entire ear turned red just from that. 

“Way hotter.” Yibo murmured. And a breath later, “And harder.” his voice hoarse.

The way he said that did not make it any softer.

“Your naked body will give anybody a boner.”

“I’m not really naked…” Yibo said as Xiao Zhan felt Yibo’s arms go around his back to press him even closer.

“If you take off your pants, it’s game over. Let me just enjoy this for a while.” 

He could feel Yibo starting to shift his hips against him and brought down both his hands to hold those hips in place before it led to all manners of premature launches.

“Enjoy what?” Yibo asked absently.

Xiao Zhan pulled back to look at him.

It took Yibo a moment to open his eyes and when he did, he frowned in displeasure that Xiao Zhan had stopped whatever he had been doing. “What?” he asked eventually when he caught Xiao Zhan’s expression.

“What _what_? As a host concerned about providing his guest with five-star service, I must insist on an extended stay in foreplay land.”

Yibo’s forehead scrunched up in confusion and Xiao Zhan pulled back fully.

His face was serious when he asked, “Yibo, when you said that you were a virgin, you meant exactly what?”

“That I haven’t had sex.” Yibo answered as if that explanation was obvious.

“And by sex you mean…”

Yibo gave him that look that said, _you want me to spell it out_? And when Xiao Zhan nodded, he answered, “oh you know…” gesturing to down below.

No, he didn’t. Xiao Zhan moved to the side and propped himself up on a pillow before he pulled Yibo on top of him to straddle his hips. He was thankful that they still had their pants on. What he was about to do was intimate enough to be awkward and awkward enough to be intimate. Some touch was necessary to keep the other party grounded and no more self-conscious than absolutely necessary. Even if the other party was _Wang Yibo_.

“Alright, I am going to ask you some questions. You can answer by nodding or shaking your head if you don’t want to say anything, ok?”

Yibo nodded, his eyes narrowing at this ominous warning.

Xiao Zhan thought of how best to phrase the first question and decided against any euphemisms. This had to be clear as fuck so he knew exactly what he was dealing with.

“Nothing has gone in the hole in the back?”

Yibo’s eyes widened until his eyeballs popped out. Xiao Zhan’s lips quirked into a quick smile, which he bit down. 

Yibo’s one eyebrow arched, but he said, just as bluntly. “Nope, nothing has gone up my ass yet.”

 _Yet_. Ooh. Okay. Boy was stating a preference without even trying the other option. 

“Okay, and I assume the reverse is also true. This has not gone in any holes either.” He said, pointing at the general region of what was still hidden by Yibo’s pants.

“No, this has not gone into any holes… or vaginas. In the event you are being thorough.” He arched that eyebrow again.

 _Well, if they were being thorough_. 

Oh, this game was proving more fun that he imagined. Fuck awkwardness. They should just talk about it however they wanted to. It was just the two of them.

“And has this gone into any… other holes? Like you know, a mouth?” he asked.

This time, he saw Yibo look away for a moment quickly before he looked back and exhaled hard, shaking his head.

Hot damn. Has the world been sleeping on Yibo? It couldn’t really be by the world’s choice though…

He tried to not let that reaction show as he asked again, “And has your mouth…?” he didn’t get to finish the question before Yibo shook his head. 

_Well, fuck._

“Has anyone ever touched you?” he asked, feeling a little alarmed at the level of this ‘virgin’ status.

“I do a fine job of it myself.” Yibo answered and made to get off his lap, clearly all done with these questions.

Xiao Zhan pulled him back onto his lap, but seating him in the other direction, Yibo’s back now pressed against his chest. Then he touched him over his pants, letting the pressure of his palm press in against Yibo’s dick, which was sizable but quite soft. Their conversation had taken care of the hard-on. 

Although it gave a twitch now and he felt Yibo press back against his chest, startled. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel…” Xiao Zhan said, moving to remove his hand, but Yibo put his hand on top of his, keeping it there.

His head fell back against Xiao Zhan’s shoulder and he could see the adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed hard, his eyes closed.

“Fuck baby, how have you gotten to this age without doing anything?” he whispered in his ear, his palm rubbing him lightly.

Yibo didn’t reply and Xiao Zhan could see that he was still shifting his hips.

“Has anyone kissed you here? Tongued you here? Left little bites all over you?” he asked hoarsely, his free hand running over Yibo’s chest, one finger lightly stroking a hard nipple. The other hand kept rubbing the hardening length in earnest now, his own dick tightening painfully as he watched the expression on Yibo’s face.

“Fuck…” Yibo cursed, his hips coming off to press against Xiao Zhan’s hand.

“Touch me…” he whispered, scooting back against Xiao Zhan’s chest and grabbing onto his arm.

It was all the encouragement Xiao Zhan needed before he put his hand inside Yibo’s sweats and his boxers to grab on. Fuck, he was about to burst.

And he did, Xiao Zhan only getting about five pumps in before Yibo fell apart completely, the veins at his neck wound up and popping out, his fingers in a vise grip around Xiao Zhan’s arm, his head completely thrown back, his mouth parted and his teeth biting down hard onto his lower lip.

_Fuck Fuck Fuck._

So much for the extended stay in foreplay land.

xxx


	22. Quarantine – Part 6 (Worth the Trouble)

Wang Yibo slept with a little pout. At least he did right now. Xiao Zhan put the book face-down on his chest and leaned across Yibo to free the blanket that was trapped under him. He pulled it up over his body and saw the pout ease. Still, he scooted back until he was fully pressed against Xiao Zhan’s side, as if what he was really pouting was about the loss of the man’s heat rather than the sheet. 

Xiao Zhan smiled and slid down on the bed to turn in against Yibo’s back, abandoning the book for a moment. Yibo had been sleeping for the past three hours, passing out almost immediately after the quickest orgasm a healthy 22-year old had achieved in the history of mankind. He had slid down in Xiao Zhan’s arms and closed his eyes, which Xiao Zhan figured was to hide his embarrassment, and within a few minutes, that embarrassment had stolen away to slumber. He had barely slept last night and so Xiao Zhan had thought it best to let him sleep. He had managed to get Yibo’s ruined boxer briefs off to toss in the laundry before pulling the pants back on. Yibo had slept through it all. 

Xiao Zhan thought of seeing to lunch as Yibo was bound to be hungry when he woke up. 

Maybe he would shut his eyes for ten minutes, and then it was definitely onto lunch. He left the book and his glasses on the other side of the bed from Yibo and gently tugged him close and wrapped his arms around his waist with that last thought. 

He woke to Yibo’s hand inside his sweatpants, wrapped around his _very hard_ dick.

He looked again to make sure that it was not some sort of fevered fantasy – no, that was definitely Yibo’s hands down his pants.

He looked up to Yibo’s face. His quite serious face with those hooded eyes that had tortured too many of his dreams. 

He held his gaze and Yibo watched him, his hand tightening a bit. 

If his dick wasn’t already hard as iron from Yibo’s hand doing whatever magic he had learned from years of self-service, his eyes would have done it. Yibo’s eyes had always done it for him. His eyes, his mouth, the razor’s edge of his adam’s apple, his mouth… fuck, the mouth.

As if he figured out Xiao Zhan’s thoughts in that exact moment, Yibo shifted to loom over him to suck on his lower lip. Xiao Zhan closed his eyes as an image of that mouth elsewhere on his body swam into his head. Doing exactly what it was doing to his lower lip. He felt the tip of Yibo’s tongue tease the mole below his lip and exhaled sharply, pushing him back. 

Yibo’s hand fell out from his pants at the force of that move, but in the next moment, Xiao Zhan was over him, sinking between his legs, wrapping them around his waist as he pressed down hard against Yibo’s erection, its impression pushing into his belly. He ground their hips together as he looked back at Yibo’s face. He was biting down on his lips, as if trying to stem the pleasure from the friction. Xiao Zhan watched his eyes glaze over, heard the little pants coming from his parted lips - those lips would be the death of him - and pulled Yibo’s arms to pin them above their heads. He was hard like fuck, had been hard this morning too, and had done nothing to take care of it, and now he wondered how he could retain so much control when his dick was going to punish him later for pushing away a hand-job by Wang Yibo. But he wanted to see Yibo when he was like this, driven out of his mind with pleasure, pleasure that he was getting from him. He wanted to drive him absolutely mad. Make him come so many times that he wouldn’t know Sunday from Thursday. 

“You want me to use my mouth?” he leaned down to whisper in his ear and felt Yibo’s hips arch up into his. He ground down hard, his grip tightening on his wrists as he kissed him below his ear. “Lick the sides?” He heard the shaky breath as the wrists in his grip pulled. He bit down hard on the side of his neck and ran his tongue over it before he asked, “Kiss the tip?”

“Fuck you…” Yibo finally said, his voice coming out like he had been screaming for ages.

He grit down his teeth and closed his eyes, fighting for control. His hips seemed relentless, following its own rhythm as it ground against Yibo’s again and again.

“I’ll do that too.” He whispered, sinking his teeth into the crook of Yibo’s shoulder. He could see the light sheen of sweat there and he licked it, making Yibo shiver.

Fuck, he was so high on Yibo, his head was going to burst open. 

He could already tell Yibo would come soon. He wanted to see him fall apart again. Hold him while his body shuddered from wave after wave of pleasure. 

He reached between them, pushing his hands inside Yibo’s pants to take him in hand. 

“No!” the word sounded like it was coming from far away and for a moment he was sure that he had heard wrong.

“No no.” he heard again and opened his eyes, letting go of Yibo’s wrists. 

It was like being doused with cold water. His heart was pounding suddenly as he jerked back, moving until he was no longer touching Yibo. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, his voice hoarse with a sudden fear. Had he misread the signals? When had Yibo started saying no? Had he not heard it? Was he so fucked in the head when Yibo was around that he couldn’t hear? Couldn’t understand?

“I’m sorry.” He heard his voice again and realized that he had already climbed off the bed. 

He thought he heard Yibo say something, but he couldn’t be sure. He just needed some air to clear his head. 

He had barely made it into the hallway before he felt Yibo pull him back. 

“I’m sorry.” He said on reflex, pulling his hands back and backing away.

“Don’t do that.” Yibo said, reaching for him.

Xiao Zhan walked backwards and tried to calm his racing heart. He schooled his face into as much calm as he could muster before looking at Yibo. 

“Sorry, I just misread the cues.” He said, his voice quiet.

“What did you misread?” Yibo asked, walking closer now.

Xiao Zhan moved back again.

“Stop!” Yibo said now, putting his hand up.

Xiao Zhan stopped on reflex, but then moved back again without thinking.

This time, Yibo didn’t hesitate as he moved forward, all the way forward until he had Xiao Zhan backed against the wall.

Xiao Zhan stood as still as he could as he felt Yibo press his lips against the grim line of his mouth. He clutched his hands at his sides and closed his eyes. It was time to start counting sheep.

He kept his eyes closed as he felt Yibo's mouth move down from his lips to his chin. 

“Contrary to… my performance this morning…” Yibo started.

When he didn’t continue, curiosity won out and Xiao Zhan opened his eyes.

Yibo tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously, why did you freak out like that?” he asked now, abandoning his previous line of thought completely.

Xiao Zhan took a deep breath. “Freak out? You were saying no. I must not have heard. That has never happened before, I swear to God. Just push me away if I am ever in your space or make you feel uncomfortable.” 

He saw Yibo blink his eyes rapidly for a moment. Then he moved back.

Xiao Zhan felt that withdrawal the moment it happened and pulled on Yibo’s hand before he could move back further.

Yibo shook his hand off but only to put his arms around Xiao Zhan's neck and press into him in a tight hug. 

“Don’t say things like that.” He whispered, his voice soft. “Especially after telling me just a minute ago how you want to make me come with your mouth.”

Hearing the words that he had said in a particularly heady moment in the light of the hallway was jarring. 

“I like it when you are in my space, when you crowd into me, when you won’t let me breathe. I like that.” Yibo paused a moment and then started again, “Contrary to my performance this morning… I don’t come that fast, okay? Clearly, you must make me a little crazy!” he said in a rush and exhaled, looking away. 

Xiao Zhan released a breath that he hadn’t realized that he was holding.

“I just didn’t want to come like that again. And I was about to.” Yibo said the rest now, looking up.

Xiao Zhan waited. When a moment passed and there was nothing more, he asked, “That’s it? That’s why you yelled “no” like I was about to rape you?” His eyes were incredulous.

“I did _not_ yell no like you were about to rape me!” Yibo’s voice rose at the end as if this had not even occurred to him.

“Could have fooled me!” Xiao Zhan rubbed a fist against his chest. His poor heart had lost ten years of its beating life.

“Just admit you freaked out like a drama queen because I make you go all savage and crazy too.”

That hit too close to home for Xiao Zhan to stand there and listen to it, so he walked off in the direction of the kitchen.

“And you are a control freak so you don’t want me to make you come until you make me come a few hundred times.” He heard Yibo continue the analysis on his sexual-freak-out behind him. 

Since when had idols started getting Ph.Ds in psychology. 

He evidently asked that out loud because Yibo had an answer for that too. “I don’t need a degree in psychology for that. I just need to know you.”

“You think you have me all figured out.” Xiao Zhan scoffed, going to the fridge to take out a can of Sprite to press it against his neck. It stung and he pulled it off with an ‘ow’.

He pulled out a knife to check his reflection and sure enough, Yibo had left an enormous hickey on his neck. 

“Wang Yibo!” he said turning around, holding his hand to the mark. And promptly swallowed all the rest of what he was going to say when he saw all the marks covering Yibo’s neck and down to his shoulder. 

“Damn, I’m sorry.” He said as he grabbed Yibo to him, running a finger down his neck. One of them was a bright red. 

“If we are going to keep doing this…” Yibo said, stopping there to quickly add, “ _and I sincerely hope we are_ , then you need to stop apologizing.” 

Xiao Zhan sat on the bar stool by the island and pulled Yibo in between his legs as he pressed a kiss to the angriest hickey. “I know… it’s just new to me.”

“What is?” Yibo asked absently as he leaned down into the kiss.

There was another soft kiss that made Yibo close his eyes before Xiao Zhan said, “Making out with someone that I want so much. It’s a little overwhelming.”

“No shit.” Yibo said, his arms going around Xiao Zhan’s neck for the eightieth time that day. Was it still day? Has the sun come and gone?

“Easy for you to say. You have never wanted anyone before.” Xiao Zhan said.

A moment later, he pulled back as if he realized what he had just said.

Yibo nodded. “Yes, only you. And it only took two years to convince you that I was worth the trouble.” 

xxx


	23. Quarantine – Part 7 (Validation)

“I really like this balcony.” Yibo said, running his hands along the bamboo slats and looking out the window. 

Xiao Zhan looked up from where he was setting up their late lunch bowls on the coffee table. 

“I did too until someone put me out here for four whole days.” He raised an eyebrow when Yibo looked back and rolled his eyes. 

“Cooking, growing plants, acting, singing, painting…” Yibo started and Xiao Zhan narrowed his eyes at where this was going. 

“If not for all the filthy things that come out of your mouth when you are turned on, you would be the perfect woman.” Yibo finished with a smirk. 

It was Xiao Zhan’s turn to roll his eyes. “I don’t think you know enough men. Or women for that matter.”  
He gestured to Yibo to come sit down and eat.

Yibo scoffed at the statement, although he did go and lounge back against one of the couches rubbing his eyes. He was starving. His stomach had rumbled so many times already. And Xiao Zhan cooked the best food. Even when food had tasted like woodchips in his mouth the last few days, he had been able to appreciate the culinary skill that went into even the simplest meals. 

“Why, if you could find a woman with all those qualities, you would fall for her?” Xiao Zhan asked now, smiling. 

“I do know women, and girls, who do all those things. What does that have to do with anything? Hell, I know guys who do most of those things too – not as well as you, but still – they do it. My point is that you appear to be exceptional in all the traditionally feminine stuff.” He grabbed his chopsticks and eyed the fried egg on top of the noodles with something akin to rapture. “This smells so fucking good.” He inhaled and his stomach rumbled again as if reminding him to skip the foreplay and feed it now.

“Both of our managers are women.” Xiao Zhan said, continuing their conversation.

“And both of our bodyguards are men.” Yibo said.

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow and focused on chewing for a minute before he said, “And your makeup artist of years is a man. And that girl who kicked your ass in skateboarding has the most perfect female body I have ever seen.”

Yibo tilted his head for a moment trying to figure out who this was before he asked, “Ohh… Cheng Xiao?” 

Xiao Zhan nodded. 

“Yea, she’s cool.” Yibo acknowledged and popped the entire fried egg in his mouth.

“Hmm… If your tastes ran that way, she would have been it.” Xiao Zhan said, taking another bite of his noodles. When Yibo didn’t say anything, he looked up. 

“Wait, do you like her?” Yibo asked, his face scrunched up a bit.  
“What’s not to like?” Xiao Zhan asked, wiggling both eyebrows.

Yibo put his chopsticks down.

“Are you…” he gestured vaguely.

“Fine time to ask me.” Xiao Zhan didn’t even pretend to not know what Yibo was referring to.

When Yibo waited, Xiao Zhan nodded. “I am… what I guess you would call pan.” 

Xiao Zhan waited to see how Yibo would react to that. The boy appeared to have very clear delineations between certain dichotomies and Xiao Zhan didn’t want to shock his system too hard with how fluid he was.

“So now I have to watch out for both men and women? Fuck my life!” was his answer. 

It wasn’t what Xiao Zhan had expected to hear and for a moment, he was taken aback. And he acknowledged that maybe he didn’t know Yibo well enough beyond all the tidbits that he had collected from Yibo’s interviews. Although it wasn’t like they had ever talked about their sexuality before, their attraction to each other notwithstanding. 

“And you? Should I feel safe in being relieved that your preference only runs in one direction if sexy – not to mention flexible as all hell - goddess Cheng Xiao couldn’t tempt you?” Xiao Zhan asked, making it sound like a joke, but genuinely wanting to know.

Yibo had gone back to eating, but answered now between munches, “Before you, I was convinced that my preference ran in no direction whatsoever.” 

Xiao Zhan had suspected as much, but still his eyes widened at this proclamation. “You must have jerked off thousands of times over the years to think you were asexual.” The thought did strike him then that this was hardly the conversation to have while eating. But he was too hungry to stop. And besides, there was no really good time to have important conversations. He was just glad that they at least had privacy to do it. 

Yibo paused to consider what he said before he nodded. “I don’t think I ever thought I was asexual.” 

When he stopped there and went back to eating without continuing, Xiao Zhan had to ask, “But what turned you on? Men? Women? Men who looked like women? Women who looked like men? Any other type that I haven’t mentioned?”

Yibo considered that seriously before he answered. “Aside from you, I don’t think I have been turned on by specific people. It’s always been seeing two people together. Doing stuff.” 

“You mean, porn?” 

“Not necessarily. Even in like movies, if two people were selling me that they genuinely wanted each other, then that could do it. It didn’t matter if it was boy-girl, girl-girl, boy-boy or any combination thereof.” 

Xiao Zhan decided then that the boy genuinely was a unicorn. How easily he described how lust likely really worked before you figured out that there was a right or a wrong way to get turned on. 

And that particular unicorn was turning him on again just with words, which really wasn’t convenient given the immediate needs of his still starving stomach.  
And so he returned to eating. They both did so, in silence now and quickly, as if they needed that out of the way before the rest of the conversation could continue. 

Once he finished and pushed his bowl away, Xiao Zhan asked the question that he had wanted to know for some time. 

“Doesn’t dancing turning you on? I have seen your moves. I can tell when you’re putting on a show. But sometimes you are feeling it in an entirely different way.” 

He thought Yibo would avoid answering, but it was Yibo. He should know better by now that the boy was not afraid of any of his own thoughts or feelings. 

“If I can’t see the audience, if I can convince myself that I am just dancing by myself, then yea. It’s like that Beyonce song.” He said, leaning back and extending his hands up in a stretch.

“Feeling myself?” Xiao Zhan asked and Yibo nodded. “Dancing is the ultimate autoerotic exercise.” 

Indeed. Especially if you danced like Wang Yibo.

“Hmm… I have certainly never felt that way.” Xiao Zhan smiled and lay back on the couch, propping himself up on the cushion. “But I definitely get a hard-on when I see you dance, but then again, I’m hardly in the minority there. I don’t think there’s anyone who watches you dance without getting ready to do themself.”

Yibo smiled, silently acknowledging his absolute power in that domain.  
He was done with his food too and he lay back against his couch, although it was a single and did not allow the relaxation of the love seat that Xiao Zhan was on. So, he got up and lay on top of Xiao Zhan without warning. 

Xiao Zhan gave a “oof!” as he felt Yibo’s full body weight, but he laughed and grabbed Yibo up to his chest, adjusting his body so that the weight was distributed as evenly as possible. Even so, half their feet were off the couch and it wouldn’t be long before they would have to go inside for more comfortable ways of cuddling, but for now, this would do. Besides, they were both too full to move. 

He thought Yibo had dozed off with his head on his chest - his preferred position, Xiao Zhan was starting to discover - when he heard him ask, “So, I’m curious. None of the X-Nine guys?”

Xiao Zhan looked down at Yibo’s head, but that floppy hair of his was blocking his view of his eyes.

“You mean, my brothers?” he asked, as if the mere idea was ridiculous. Although really, he didn’t see why it should have been. There were nine of them. Even just statistically, it must have happened between at least some of them. He had had a few suspicions, but it was not his business so he hadn’t pried. He just hadn’t viewed any of them that way. And despite how he saw Yibo, most of the X-Nine guys actually did seem and act their age most of the time and he had been too old to find that attractive. 

He said as much and Yibo nodded. 

“How about your UNIQ brothers? I thought word on the street was everyone wanted Yibo maknae.”

He could imagine Yibo rolling his eyes although he didn’t look up. 

“Seriously though. You could tell by the way they did you up that everyone would want you. What didn’t they do? Cornrows, eyeliner, blonde hair?” he listed off all the looks that he could remember from Yibo’s UNIQ days.  
“And all that pouting that you did for the camera? You must have known it drove people nuts.”

He felt Yibo shrug. “Despite all that, I think I was too young to really know how to want someone sexually. Or how to be wanted sexually. It was like playing adult dress-up without really understanding the why and the how. And we were so insulated for so long, you know. There is a certain image that you sell and you always work towards that image. I think they didn’t really know what to do with me in the beginning, so they just sort of wanted to make me cute and sexy like a girl. Then when my adam’s apple popped out overnight, they were like, ‘okay, we could go a different way with this.’ In the end, they ended up trying everything. And it took me some time to figure out how I wanted to look rather than how they all wanted me to look.” 

He played with Yibo’s hair as he listened to him talk and remembered his own struggle with that. How, seemingly for lack of talents other than singing, he had been relegated to the visual. He had been good looking enough, but hardly what he thought would be sufficient to be the visual for a whole group. And it had put a sort of pressure on him that, almost overnight, he had started to worry about things that had not absorbed much of his attention before. Like his skin, his profile, his features, all looking different to him now. Like clinical specimens that had to be perfected. And he had been in his 20s when he had come into that life. He couldn’t imagine growing up that way, like Yibo had. Especially in Yibo’s particular group, where everyone seemed to be good at everything - vocal, visual, kinesthetic, and the whole kitchen sink - the pressure must have been insane. 

“You make things look so easy though.” He said now, as a continuation of his thoughts rather than as a follow-up to what Yibo said. 

“All those years of practice is only to make it look like you’re not even trying. Like you could do it in your sleep. That’s how we were all trained.” Yibo answered. 

“Do you regret it?” he asked.

Yibo didn’t answer immediately. 

Then Xiao Zhan felt him shake his head. “Just the loss of privacy. But I have almost no skills that would make me a successful common citizen.” 

“But you were whisked away to a different life before you could even know that for sure.” Xiao Zhan reminded him.

Yibo lifted his head and looked at him then. “Contrary to what people think, I have no regrets about not going to university. I just don’t think I need to learn everything in four years. I will learn all my life. A degree is not going to prove what I know one way or the other. And hardly necessary in what I have chosen to do with my life.” 

Well, that was certainly one way to look at it, Xiao Zhan had to acknowledge. 

“But learning at my pace and desire is a privilege that I can afford, and I am grateful for that. I am not really cut out for a typical classroom. I am much more of an apprentice in anything I do. And with my life, I can do everything that way. Accept a master in everything and dedicate all my energy to that for that bit. Racing, skateboarding, yo-yoing, acting, dancing, singing, all of it.”

“You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?” Xiao Zhan asked. 

Yibo put his head back down on his chest. “When people pick on you for lack of higher education and poor handwriting and any number of bullshit, you can’t afford to not think about it. I even wondered for a bit if I should enroll in university. But where would I go? What would I study? I looked at the curriculum and there was a lot of stuff that were “general education requirements” that seemed like something I was signing up for just to pay money and earn credits. And then what? Suddenly, Wang Yibo has a degree and the people who had issue with him when he didn’t would suddenly stop talking. Bullshit. They’ll just say I paid someone to attend my classes, write my papers, do my research, fake my grades. Or that I slept with the professors, paid off the dean, you name it. If I lived my life to please those people, then I would have learned nothing since I was 13.”

Xiao Zhan didn’t answer. 

After a few minutes, Yibo lifted his head and said with his characteristic bluntness, “You’re hard.”

Xiao Zhan had been hoping he wouldn’t notice, but really, that was impossible with his erection pressing into his belly.

He closed his eyes. What was he going to say? That his intelligence and perceptiveness required the validation of no college degree and that that level of self-awareness and esteem was a turn-on in anyone, much less someone as young as him. 

“Waxing philosophical is my idea of erotica” Xiao Zhan finally said, gently lifting Yibo’s hips so that his dick would get the message that now was not the time. 

It must have been the right thing to say, because Yibo reached between them to palm him over his pants. 

“Yibo” he bit out.

Yibo took it as encouragement to slip his hand inside Xiao Zhan’s pants. 

“I won’t let you touch my dick ever again if you won’t let me do this.” 

“Is that a threat?” Xiao Zhan opened his eyes finally to ask, although it was broken by a quick intake of breath when Yibo’s hand wrapped fully around him.

“Take it how you want it.” 

He thought of saying something clever and witty, but then gave up when Yibo’s hand started working him earnestly. 

\-----------


	24. Quarantine – Part 8 (Kink)

He felt Xiao Zhan’s lips trail over his shoulder blades and put his face down against the pillow. He felt the kisses at his nape and sighed in contentment. They had been at this for the last hour. 

Dinner had been light because lunch had been so late and then it had been lounging on the living room sofa, Xiao Zhan reading his book, letting him control what played on the tv. He had only been partially paying attention to whatever he had put on, his gaze slipping to Xiao Zhan time and again, those little glasses that he wore and that stubble on his chin and how absorbed he seemed in his novel, all driving him a little nuts. He never thought he would be into the professor look. Maybe he should reconsider university… if he could get Xiao Zhan to teach every course. 

He closed his eyes and wondered how he had ended up being as corny as all of his hyungs when they had been into someone. Like the real corny shit, like indulging in roleplay fantasies. Having such self-critique accompany his fantasies did nothing to curb said fantasies. In fact…

He pushed off the blanket and got up from the couch – he saw Xiao Zhan look up briefly before going back to his book, likely thinking that he was going to the kitchen or the bathroom – and proceeded to take off his shirt. It took a good fifteen seconds of him standing there, torso naked, the shirt scrunched up in one hand before Xiao Zhan looked up again. Then Xiao Zhan tilted his head, one eyebrow raised. 

He loved that fucking eyebrow. It did so many expressions just by how high or low it went. 

He stared, pulling his lower lip in between his teeth. Xiao Zhan stared back. 

“Do you have lube?” he asked finally.

Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened slightly. Then he nodded.

“And condoms?” 

Another nod.

“Do you prefer top or bottom?” he turned around and started walking to the bedroom, throwing that question over the shoulder to ease his nervousness.

By the time he pushed open the bedroom door, he felt Xiao Zhan behind him, his shirt off, the warmth of his body enveloping him as he was pulled back against his chest. Yibo closed his eyes. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of this warmth. It was the best part of everything. And the touch. And the kisses. Fuck, everything. He had always wondered what it would feel like to actually share his body with someone, had craved it at times, but somehow he had known that he would never enjoy something that was only going to feed the body. Without some feeling for the person, he just couldn’t imagine deriving any pleasure; he just wasn’t that trusting. Sometimes he envied people who could. Who felt both free enough to do it and had the freedom to do it. He had had neither. When his friends had all accumulated sufficient experiences throughout their teenage years – deciding the scandal-risk was worth it – he had started to wonder if something was different about him that he felt neither the drive nor the desire to take such chances himself. The only experiences that he had had were the kisses that he did for his dramas and those were an exercise in a special kind of torture, enjoyable for no one involved, except maybe the audience, that is if he managed to convince with angles and pretense that he was not about to throw up from spectator-fear. 

And so, he had surprised himself with how obvious he had become about Xiao Zhan over the past two years. 

“If I hadn’t kissed you that day, would you ever have done anything about us?” he asked, now turning around to face Xiao Zhan.

That got him another eyebrow action and then, “I don’t think you’re remembering this correctly. I kissed you first. And that too, after I came to your hotel room in the middle of the night.”

Yibo put his head back against the pillow, closing his eyes as he tried to remember. Xiao Zhan’s lips were on his chin now, dropping tiny kisses all the way to his jaw and down his neck. 

Yes, he was right. He had come over that night, shocking the shit out of him. He had never thought Xiao Zhan would ever take a risk like that for anyone in a million years. He had a poster-boy-for-spectacular-human-being image that he had worked too hard to maintain. 

The fact that he had come over that night then meant… Of course, he had thought about it many times before, but he had been afraid to hope. Thinking that maybe it was just a blip, an exception to the rule, maybe Xiao Zhan had lost his head for a moment. 

Except Xiao Zhan never lost his head. He was always in control. Even in bed. As the past two days - the past hour especially - has shown. Fuck, he was so hard that he thought he would go crazy. But, he was determined to not repeat yesterday. He was determined to enjoy this foray into foreplay land. What was it that Xiao Zhan had asked him yesterday?

_Fuck baby, how have you gotten to this age without doing anything? Has anyone kissed you here? Tongued you here? Left little bites all over you?_

The words, the tone, the _baby_ , the touch… it had all been too much and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from coming. 

He had wondered if talking dirty was his kink. Then decided, given his history, that it was more likely that Xiao Zhan was his kink.

He pulled Xiao Zhan up for a kiss then, needing to do something to give rather than just receive. Although he was starting to think that Xiao Zhan got off on giving. Even in this. Especially in this. He seemed to not have a problem with keeping that hard-on of his going for hours. 

He yielded into the kiss, Yibo knew Xiao Zhan couldn’t say no to his mouth and he used that to his advantage now, going in hard first but then softening, teasing with his tongue, rubbing with his lips... 

“You never wanted to do all this before?” he asked when Xiao Zhan once again started kissing his way down to his neck and chest and then down further. He was quite sensitive there and when he felt Xiao Zhan’s tongue in his belly button, he grabbed onto his head.

Xiao Zhan raised his head and Yibo opened his eyes to look at him. 

“The Thailand fanmeet.” He said and Yibo tilted his head, not quite understanding. And then, he recalled what he had asked just a minute ago.

The Thailand fanmeet. Yes, he remembered. His manager had made him watch scores of videos of it, as if it proved a point in itself without her having to say anything. He was of the opinion though that she was secretly happy for him, although quite surprised at how much he was dismantling his ‘racer-rapper’ reputation each time he appeared in the same space with Xiao Zhan.

“What did you want to do?” he asked in a whisper, his dick throbbing. 

Xiao Zhan held his gaze for a long moment before pulling down the front of his pants and taking him into his mouth in the next instant.

“FUCK!” he yelled out, pulling on Xiao Zhan’s hair so hard that he was sure he had pulled out clumps of it.

xxxxxx


	25. Quarantine – Part 9 (The Thing About Gratitude)

Yibo woke up in bed shivering and noticed that the covers had been kicked off. He was fully naked and looked behind him to see that so was Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan was actually curled up into a fetal position, his body a perfect C. Yibo smiled at the sight and looked at the Fitbit on his arm. It was 3 in the morning. He pulled the sheets up and lay back down, although he now got behind Xiao Zhan, spooning him for a change, curving around him as much as he could. He heard Xiao Zhan shift and murmur something and shhh-ed in his ear to get him back to sleep. It had the exact opposite effect and he felt Xiao Zhan attempt to turn.

“No no. Let me hold you like this for once. Make _you_ feel warm.”

Xiao Zhan held still and they stayed like that for a few minutes before Xiao Zhan turned around to face him.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“I’m a light sleeper. Besides, we slept so early.” 

“It’s only 3.” Yibo reminded him.

He felt Xiao Zhan shrug and pulled his face closer to ask, “Can you see me properly?”

“You’re close enough that even that pimple on your chin is magnified.” 

Yibo smiled without rising to the bait. “Is there really a pimple? Because I have to tape the DDU episode tomorrow from this room with no makeup artist hyung to fix me up.”

“Really? From here?” Xiao Zhan asked, now turning sideways so that they were facing each other.

“Hm. Do you mind? I thought if I set up against that wall over there, there will be no tell-tale evidence of where I am.” 

“I don’t mind of course. It’s good that you guys are back up and running so quickly.”

“Well, who knows how long this is going to go on for. They think the show can do a lot of good in spreading information if it’s on in any format rather than just going on hiatus to wait it out.”

“True.” Xiao Zhan agreed.

“How about you?” Yibo asked.

“Fortunately, most of my projects wrapped before the Quarantine started, at least the parts they needed me for. The things that are yet to start are just waiting. Who knows how many projects will actually survive this.”

“You think it’s going to be that dire?”

“Who knows. It’s only the start. But if you look at how this has swept through in the past – the Bubonic plague, Yellow fever, Spanish flu, Ebola, SARS – we will just have to wait and see if this will change everything as we know it. I mean, I certainly didn’t expect a full shutdown in Wuhan. It’s like something straight out of history books.”

That was a scary thought.

After a few moments, he felt Xiao Zhan pull him up to his chest. 

“Are you scared?” he asked.

He looked up. “It’s scary. As for whether I’m scared, isn’t it a shared fear? Everyone’s fear? Maybe there’s something kindred in that. That it’s not my fear alone.”

Xiao Zhan held his gaze, his expression changing into something unrecognizable, then he pulled him even closer and whispered, “Sometimes you’re like a little sweet boy and a wise old man all rolled up into one.”

Yibo tilted his head. “With no middle ground?” he asked.

He felt Xiao Zhan smile against his neck. “See, even that question. It’s like you have not been ruined by people teaching you what to think and say and so you only have genuine thoughts in your head.”

Yibo thought of that for a long moment before asking, “As compared to you who says all the right things only because you have been taught to think and speak that way?” 

Xiao Zhan pulled back but held Yibo within his hold still. 

“It’s not that. I think I get a little hung up on feeling like a fraud in this industry that I over-rely on what I think makes me an outsider, but also maybe distinct. And sometimes, it gets a little exhausting watching my interviews, feeling like I try too hard to sound like I am that person. That person who got a degree, held a job, was a normal person and then this happened. In the grand scheme of things, this will never feel normal to me. And I’m not sure that it should, but still.”

“I have never felt that way when I see your interviews.” 

Xiao Zhan smiled. “Aren’t you biased?”

“I don’t think just because my feelings are involved that automatically means I’m biased.” 

“Doesn’t it?” 

Yibo shook his head. “I would tell you if I thought you were bullshitting.”

Xiao Zhan paused and then nodded. “Actually, you would.” His fingers climbed into Yibo’s hair, enjoying the soft spiky texture in the back.

Yibo put his head down on Xiao Zhan’s chest and they lay like that for a while.

“I’m a little nervous about sex.” Yibo said softly just when Xiao Zhan thought he had drifted off to sleep.

He had thought as much. He was just surprised that Yibo felt comfortable enough to admit it. 

“You just got head for the first time last night. What’s the rush to do anything else? If you want, we can just stay here forever.” 

“Really?” Yibo lifted his head.

“Yea, why not?” Xiao Zhan shrugged.

“But I feel like once we leave this apartment, we are never going to get this much time to ourselves ever again. Or this much privacy. If we are going to do it, this would be the best time.”

“The only best time is if and when you’re ready. And I mean that honestly.”

“You don’t understand. I don’t even think I’ll ever feel this way ever again. When this is over, your life will be crazy again like it was last year. And then you won’t have time even if you wanted to. It’s already been a week and I keep thinking that you’ll take the lead. But you’re moving at a snail’s pace and now I'm thinking that I'll have to be the one to move you along.”

Something in all the words that spilled out of Yibo made Xiao Zhan’s limbs feel a little weak. Something about that sounded a lot like he was preparing for this to fizzle out. To be… maybe _abandoned_ was too strong a word, but _overlooked_ … His heart clenched that they both couldn’t make any promises when their time was hardly their own. 

He ignored all that inside him and said instead, “So you admit you only came here to get laid.”

“Yes, by you.” Yibo said with a smirk. And Xiao Zhan felt another twist inside that Yibo did not even seem offended that he ignored the first part of he said, expecting nothing else.

“What makes you think you will never feel this way again?” he asked now, softly.

Yibo shrugged, tilting his head into the crook of his shoulder so that Xiao Zhan couldn’t see his face.

“I can’t imagine something like this happening twice in one lifetime.” He eventually said, quietly.

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and inhaled Yibo’s scent. He brought Yibo’s wrist up to press his lips there, just over the diagonal stripes of his veins. Indeed. He agreed. He couldn’t imagine something like this happening twice in a lifetime. A creature like Yibo only came along once in a whole generation. And he didn’t even think that was hyperbole. 

“Just because we are men doesn’t mean we have to do anal.” He said after a beat.

“I know, but I want to.” Yibo answered, looking up.

“Are you sure?” 

“Do you enjoy it?” Yibo asked instead of answering the question.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that you will.” He answered truthfully.

Yibo thought about that for a moment before he asked, “Do you always go top or bottom?” 

“I don’t have a strict preference. I like both. But you may like one more than the other.”

“What if I only like one way and not the other?” Xiao Zhan looked down at the tone of the question. Yibo seemed like he was holding his breath for the answer.

“Then you’ll know what you like.” He answered.

“It wouldn’t matter to you?” he asked, hesitant.

Xiao Zhan thought of how to answer. But really, telling the truth to Yibo was easy. He tended to prefer that and accept nothing else.

“Yibo, I like sex. I like it in all ways, and as you know, with all people. I just have to like the person is all. But sex with each person is going to be as unique as that person. What you enjoy with me, you might not enjoy with someone else.”

“Like all the wrist action?” Yibo asked now, wriggling his eyebrows.

Xiao Zhan paused before deciding how much truth to let out on this one. 

But he needed some buffer to say all that he wanted to say, so trailed his index finger down that line that separated Yibo’s abdominal muscles, immediately feeling them clench in. And he could feel everything inside heat up again, like Yibo always managed to do. “I want to tie you up and worship every inch of you with my mouth. Especially that substantial cock of yours.” Yibo’s smile disappeared and by the time Xiao Zhan’s hand reached said cock, it was standing up in attention.

He saw Yibo hold his breath in anticipation and when Xiao Zhan didn’t move any further, he looked up, gritting his teeth. “You’re the biggest tease on the planet. And you definitely have a dominant kink when it comes to me.”

“But I don’t want you submissive. I…” Xiao Zhan said and paused abruptly when Yibo grabbed his dick.

“So, I am going to do you first.” Yibo said, pumping his hand a few times for effect, before leaning down to ask, “Do you have any objections?”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes were closed, but he managed to shake his head.

“Okay, tell me, where’s the stuff?” Yibo whispered with some urgency.

_Well, so much for letting him take the lead._

Xiao Zhan squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled before gently pulling Yibo’s hands off his dick.

Then he opened his eyes and pulled Yibo’s face close.

“Okay, given that you don’t know what you're doing yet, let’s not go this fast. I’ll tell you what I like and if you like, I can try it on you too.”

And thus, half an hour later, after deciding that he especially liked Xiao Zhan falling apart quite spectacularly from just two of his fingers, Yibo had signed up for the same. 

“This feels the best when you’re relaxed. Can you relax for me baby?” Xiao Zhan was whispering in his ear and Yibo focused on that voice to tell his muscles to stop clenching so tight.

Xiao Zhan licked lightly along his earlobe and Yibo shuddered, the effect both arousing and ticklish. 

“Let me see you touch yourself.” Xiao Zhan said then and took his mouth off Yibo’s neck to watch as Yibo took his dick in his hand. 

“If you want, you can touch me too. Only if you want.”

When Yibo nodded, Xiao brought Yibo’s other hand to his own dick, which had recovered from its previous action.

That seemed to do the trick and Yibo moaned. And finally, his one finger covered in a generous coating of lube that had been coaxing and teasing to gain entrance into the military-grade fortress that was Yibo’s sphincter was allowed admittance. 

_Hot fucking shit._ His dick twitched in excitement as if vicariously living through his finger.

“Are you okay?” he asked, trying to make himself be heard above the lust filling his head. 

Both of Yibo’s hands slowed down for a moment as if awaiting what was about to happen down there.

Xiao Zhen held still, hesitant to either advance or retreat. 

He brought his other hand and took over Yibo’s dick and Yibo’s hand fell off absently, as if he was still focused on getting used to the other sensation.

“You’re okay.” He said in a soft voice in Yibo’s ear as his hand slowly started to pump his dick. He saw Yibo exhale deliberately and used that time to gently move his finger, which eased in slowly as if even it knew what a treasure trove it had discovered and treading carefully.

It was a bit difficult to have two different rhythms going for each hand, so he focused more on his finger and just held Yibo with the other hand. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked just as his finger moved up to its second knuckle and felt Yibo tense up for a quick moment. 

He paused for a long moment and then moved his finger a bit and heard Yibo make a sound from deep within his throat. 

Ah yes, _the spot_ had been found. 

Emboldened, his renewed his pumping with the other hand while moving his finger back and forth gently. He felt Yibo stop breathing for a second as his eyes few open. Xiao Zhan stopped all movements and looked at him expectantly. 

Yibo grabbed onto his shoulders, his eyes wide and his lips parted, but no sound coming out.

Xiao Zhan held his breath too, but then he felt Yibo move his hips. Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow, eyes wide in question, lips quirked up in pure delight.

“If feels good?” he asked.

Yibo managed to nod, growling again as his finger sped up a bit more.

“ _Fuck_ _fuck fuck_ ” he cried out a moment later, grinding against that finger so much that he wondered if a second finger was needed. But before he could make that call, Yibo was coming all over his belly, spewing out so many curses that his ears turned blue.

They both fell back on the bed a moment later, drenched in sweat.

“Thank you.” Yibo said after a moment, closing his eyes.

  
And for the first time Xiao Zhan understood why Lan Wanji had taken such offense to Wei Wuxian’s gratitude after their first time.

xxxx


	26. Quarantine – Part 10 (Butler)

“Sit still!” Xiao Zhan hissed, not for the first or second time. “I’m no good at this to begin with.” That only got a giggle from Yibo who was sitting on top of the dresser in Xiao Zhan’s bedroom, not the best perch for their current activity, using his legs hooked around the back of Xiao Zhan’s knees to keep tugging him close. 

Xiao Zhan dabbed the concealer on lightly on a couple of spots and then thought that it was a tad bit too dark for Yibo’s skin. Which made him just grab some face lotion to blend out the whole thing until it looked like there was barely any makeup at all. Which was just as well. Yibo’s skin really did not need any makeup but he was going on national television. And he had been up since 3 am engaged in all sorts of sexual jujutsu. They thought maybe just a bit of concealer would be essential for HD. 

Xiao Zhan tried to move back to get a proper look at his overall work, but that only made Yibo move his legs up to Xiao Zhan’s hips to tug him back. He let himself be pulled back and tilted Yibo’s face up. “Why don’t you FaceTime your makeup hyung and see what he says?” 

“Oh Lord no! He hates you. And he’ll definitely figure out that I am with you.” Yibo said automatically.

“How would he do that? And why does he hate me?” Xiao Zhan asked, although he could guess _why_. But he wanted to know if Yibo knew why.

“I have no idea. I think he thinks you are trying to steal my thunder or something. He is a little biased, but really the best hyung ever, so don’t take it to heart.”

“He thinks I’m trying to steal your thunder?” Xiao Zhan asked in wonder. Sometimes Yibo really was naïve.

“It’s silly. You sort of own the thunder, so why would you be trying to steal it from anyone else?” Yibo said absently, turning around to face the mirror now to check his face. “This looks good enough.” He said, hopping down.

He started to walk away, but Xiao Zhan pulled him back to kiss him. 

“What was that for?” Yibo asked him after he pulled back.

Xiao Zhan shrugged. “Do I need a reason?”

“Ooh.” Yibo wriggled his eyebrows. “Don’t fall too hard like me. It’s like a road with no way back.” He started to turn away again and Xiao Zhan pulled him back.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

Yibo’s smile vanished. His gaze was a bit forlorn as he brought up a hand to brush the strand of hair that had fallen over Xiao Zhan’s forehead. Xiao Zhan took that hand and held the palm against his face, watching Yibo’s eyes.

“Nothing.” He shrugged and then smiled that soft smile of his. The kind that Xiao Zhan knew Yibo saved only for him.

He pulled Yibo up for another kiss, this one different from all the other ones that came before. There was a desolate sort of urgency to this one and he felt his throat filled with something best not named.

When he pulled back, Yibo’s eyes were tender. 

The ring of the phone from the next room cut the moment short. 

“Get dressed.” He gave Yibo’s waist a squeeze and urged him on before going to get his phone. 

It was his mother wanting to FaceTime. He walked to the balcony and turned on the video on his phone.

She had already talked to Yibo yesterday and the day before and he had had to forcefully send Yibo into another room when she did not seem intent on stopping. His dad had been less forceful, although he had more or less lingered in the background for a while as his mother chattered on with Yibo, asking him about everything he had eaten for the whole week, telling to come visit when the quarantine was over so that she could cook for him too. Xiao Zhan had rolled his eyes and had taken back the phone saying Yibo barely had time to visit his own parents much less someone else’s. 

His mother came on now with a beaming smile and as much as he would like to think that was solely for him, she said his nickname quickly before surreptitiously looking behind him. And in the small inset box on his screen, he saw Yibo walk out onto the balcony wearing... He narrowed his eyes at the sight – the infamous pink hoodie! That couldn’t possibly be what he was planning to wear for the DDU episode! He remembered all the rampant speculation the last time Yibo had worn it after the Tencent awards. Especially because pink was a color that Yibo had always professed to hate – as recorded in multiple interviews – while also smarmily saying in others that he associated pink with love with enough distaste to make it clear what he thought of that sort of love and the color pink as a whole corny set. 

“He is so adorable in that color. Let me talk to him.” He heard his mother and focused back on her now, giving her his best, _Seriously, Again?_ look.

“Hi aunty” he saw Yibo smiling at his mother on the screen.

Xiao Zhan thought it best to let them talk quickly and get it out of the way before stretching this out.

“Mom, he has to tape his show in like 30 minutes. Don’t take up too much time.”

“Okay okay.” She nodded eagerly. 

Xiao Zhan mouthed ‘sorry’ as he handed the phone to Yibo, but Yibo’s attention was already on his mother to notice.

“Yibo-ah” Xiao Zhan heard the crooning in his mother’s voice and shook his head as he walked back inside to the kitchen to figure out a quick breakfast.

They were at it for a good 15 minutes and Xiao Zhan had to finally walk outside to see the phone resting on the table and Yibo kneeling down on the floor with a set of cards spread out and showing _Magic_? to his mom.

He gestured to him and tapped on his wrist and Yibo nodded quickly. Xiao Zhan grabbed the phone and brought it inside with him to the kitchen. 

“He was just showing me card tricks that he is going to do on the episode. He just wanted to get my opinion.” 

“Card tricks?” Xiao Zhan asked, eyes widening. 

She nodded. “A-Zhan. You think you can bring him over when things are better? I told him I’m going to make him Xiao Long Bao. He said if it’s okay with you, he’ll come.”

Xiao Zhan paused in what he was doing and looked at his mom like she had taken leave of her senses. “Mom, that’s Wang Yibo. You think I can just bring him over on a whim just because you want to make him Xiao Long Bao?” 

“Well, you’re Xiao Zhan and you manage to come here just fine!” she said now in a huff.

He sputtered as he said, “Well, obviously that’s different. I’m from there!”

“How is it different?” she asked. “If anything, because he knows what he is doing, he doesn’t get hounded by every crazy person on the planet like you do!”

“You think he needs less security than me?” he asked, dumbfounded.

“No, I’m saying you need to learn to manage this a little better. I am glad you’re taking this being Chongqing’s son thing seriously, but all those people are going to maul you to death if you don’t set some limits.” Xiao Zhan tried not to sigh out loud. This is a conversation they had had many times, with his mother of the opinion that his fanbase had gotten out of control. Everyone wanted a specific end result, but had no real solutions for how to achieve it.

“Okay ma. Let’s talk about this later. I need to make breakfast.” 

Yibo walked in from the balcony a moment later, saying, “Not that I was eavesdropping or anything, but you do know that you need more security than me, right? And you’re definitely more famous than me. Those are just facts you need to accept.”

Xiao Zhan focused on spreading some jam on a piece of toast. 

“Are you going to wear that for the broadcast?” he asked when Yibo pulled out a barstool to take a seat.

“Why? What’s wrong with it?” Yibo asked looking down.

Xiao Zhan thought of reminding him exactly what was wrong with it, but then shrugged.

He did look cute. Speculations could go die in a cave for all he cared.

He extended the toast with jam in Yibo’s direction and he leaned over to take it between his teeth.

“You’re going to lead my mom on if you make promises to come visit. She’ll remember, you know?” He said conversationally, taking another piece of toast for himself.

“So will I.” Yibo answered casually, almost too casually, and Xiao Zhan paused in spreading the jam to look at him.

Yibo looked back, chewing all the while and then hopped off the barstool, trying to brush back the hair that had flopped over his forehead – seriously how soft was that thing that it held no shape whatsoever without all the products makeup hyung was always piling on – with one hand while licking off some leftover jam from the other thumb. 

“I remember everything about you.” He said then and smiled a wide smile before walking off to the guest room. 

And for a moment, Xiao Zhan took in his floppy sweatpants, oversized pink hoodie, floppy hair and bare feet that made him look no older than 14 and thought of pulling him back into his arms, away from the prying greedy eyes of the whole world.

Yibo paused by the door of his room and turned around, “I’m pretty sure I could use some tea. This is going to be exhausting.” He grabbed at his throat.

“What am I? Your butler?” Xiao Zhan asked, biting off a piece of his toast.

Yibo paused, as if considering that for a moment, then gave a shit-eating grin. “I don’t know about butler. But the other part is true.”

Yibo had shut the door by the time Xiao Zhan figured out what he meant. 

_Mine._

He had a silly smile on even as he yelled out, “That’s corny as hell, Wang Yibo. Just like that pink hoodie!”

xxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the event anyone missed the pink hoodie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAbmYnZgK1s


	27. Quarantine – Part 11 (Fuck You)

He watches Yibo bite into the taut flesh of his own arm, a far departure from how he usually confronts an orgasm, and leans down. His arm is almost breaking from holding himself up just so and after several moments, he gives up altogether and lies flat against Yibo, still buried deep inside him. It had been a sweet discovery to find that Yibo’s most powerful orgasms came from this, almost as if the energy his body generated was folding back into itself over and over again until his whole body was thrumming with its strength, everything reduced to throaty sounds and compressed muscles rather than the stream of Fucks that tumbled out when pleasured by hand or mouth.

Xiao Zhan moves the sweaty strands of hair off of Yibo’s ear and asks hoarsely, “Is it too much?”

Yibo is still biting into his arm, but he manages to shake his head. He brings his other hand around behind him to pat Xiao Zhan’s waist and then his hips, silently urging him to move again.

It’s all the encouragement Xiao Zhan needs before he is moving again, although more gently now, his strength close to depleted. He is covered in sweat from top to bottom - not surprising given how long they have been at it - as is Yibo, although that may very well be his own. He decides that he likes this position, every inch of him now pressed against Yibo. Soon enough, he can feel that he is close and he bites the side of Yibo’s nape as he links their hands above their heads.  
The noises Yibo makes are shallower now, panting little breaths, which he knows is leading to the sweetest climax ever. He controls his own movements so that he wouldn’t miss it, wouldn’t miss it when Yibo’s eyes squeezes shut, every vein everywhere standing out in relief, every muscle clenched, his entire body convulsing as one long mass of nerves. He can feel it when it sweeps through, waves and waves of it, feels the reverberation spread up to him and then finally lets go, sinking his teeth into Yibo’s shoulder.

Yibo is almost dead to the world afterwards, barely moving when Xiao Zhan wipes him down with a warm towel. He quickly washes off in the shower before climbing back into bed and even then, Yibo has barely moved. He pulls Yibo’s inert body close to him, spooning him and finally hears a sigh of contentment.

“It’s okay to die now.” Yibo’s voice is all that is sated, although it still earns a slap from Xiao Zhan against his hipbone. “Stop saying stupid shit like that.”

“No really. What else is there to live for now? This is the peak. It can only be downhill from here. Better to quit now and call it a good life. Its… ” Xiao Zhan pulled Yibo’s face to him and kissed his mouth to shut him up. “Then what the fuck will I do?” he asked when he let go.

“Oh, you’ll be fine. You don’t need me like I need you.” Yibo said matter-of-factly with a grin.

Xiao Zhan stopped smiling. “I hate it when you say things like that.”

Yibo’s smile vanished too and he brought Xiao Zhan’s face down to press their lips together again.

“Sorry, I know. That was uncalled for.”

When Xiao Zhan’s face remained impassive, Yibo turned around fully to face him.

“Just think of it as more rainbow farts. Zhan Ge has ruined me for everyone else.” He paused. “Well, that’s the truth, so…”

“And Wang Yibo has ruined me for everyone else.”

“Well, more like I took your minor infatuation and possible character bleed as license to pursue you relentlessly for two years until you had no option but to say yes.”

“I’m starting to think this is a complex.” Xiao Zhan said, pulling back slightly from Yibo to look him in the eyes.

“It is.” Yibo admitted, pursing his lips in an unconscious pout.

Before Xiao Zhan could respond to that, he spoke again. “But it’s really not for you to worry about. Truly. These three weeks were better than anything I could have hoped for, so truly, I am grateful.”

He felt a coldness through his chest. “Why does it sound like you’re breaking up with me?”

“How could I break up with you when we’re not even together.” Yibo said, almost a reminder.

And suddenly he became aware that they were naked. And that he is a bit cold. He got off the bed to find his shorts and felt the coldness inside grow when Yibo didn’t even try to stop him.

He thought of walking out of the room, but did not entertain that thought fully. Yibo seemed serious in a way that he hadn’t before.

When he got on the bed again, he saw that Yibo was watching him. He pulled Yibo onto his lap and saw his surprise. He still seemed unconcerned about his nakedness, almost as if he didn’t even notice it. Or maybe he just trusted him that much. And it made him wonder if there was some truth to Yibo’s feeling that he was the more involved one between the two of them.

Yibo straddled him now without resistance, grasping his face between his hands and kissing him deeply.

“I have to leave tomorrow.” He said when he pulled back.

For a moment Xiao Zhan was sure that he had not heard correctly and then he was so pissed off that he pushed Yibo off of his lap.

Yibo seemed to have expected it. He swallowed hard and then he lay back down, his face turned away on the pillow.

“I know I should have mentioned it before. But it just never seemed the right time and maybe I also sort of avoided it in my own head.”

Xiao Zhan got off the bed and started to walk out of the room when he noticed the suitcase in the corner. He looked around the room then and noticed now what he hadn’t before. There was barely anything there that belonged to Yibo. He was already packed.

He felt so betrayed that he did walk out now without looking back.

He expected Yibo to come after him and stayed in the balcony for almost two hours waiting before giving up. When he walked back in and made his way to his room, he found that Yibo’s room was closed, something that he hadn’t done since the day that they had made up almost two weeks ago.

_This is how he was planning on ending it? Asshole!_

He didn’t fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning and then slept later than usual.

When he woke up, it was almost 8. It was still not time for Yibo to wake up. He tended to keep late hours nowadays. Xiao Zhan was determined to set the mood right before Yibo left. Just because this little Quarantine interlude was over didn’t mean they were over. Hardly. They would just have to figure out how to make it work, that was all.

Yibo’s door was open when he got there. The bed was meticulously made and the suitcase was missing.

He found a post-it on top of the dresser that said, “I really hate goodbyes. So I won’t stick around for one now. Thank you, Zhan Ge.”

“Fuck you Wang Yibo.” He yelled into the empty room.

xxxx


	28. An Ending

He was in a snit for two days after that and did not text Yibo. But when he didn’t hear from Yibo either, he started to feel panicked, wondering whether he had even made it back to his flat. Was Singer with him? 

And so the third day, he finally gave in and texted, “Did you get home?” 

Within a few minutes, there was a reply back. “Yes.” 

He waited to see if there would be anything more but there wasn’t. 

That night he got rip-roaring drunk from an entire bottle of wine, way _way_ past his limit, and picked up the phone to text again. 

“That was a total dick move, FYI.”

He thought he waited a good ten minutes, but given how everything from nanoseconds to infinity were swimming together in a pool of alcohol in his brain, he wasn’t sure.

“If you just wanted sex, you should have told me without pulling all the other manipulative bullshit. I never took you for an asshole.”

There was still no response to that. 

“Fuck you, Yibo!” he texted next. 

Sometime later, in the midst of preparing a meaner text in his head with his eyes closed for concentration - because clearly when Wang Yibo put someone on ignore, it was a solid ignore - he heard a call coming through. He picked up his phone with the intention of disconnecting the call when he saw that it was the asshole that he was texting in his brain.

It was a video call and he thought of sitting up before he accepted it, but hell, he didn’t care. He was partially reclined on the couch, quite an uncomfortable position really, his waist and back muscles protesting the abuse from the trauma it had endured as Wei Wuxian, but his brain too steeped in spirits to know where sadism ended and masochism began.

He clicked it on and looked at the screen. And wasn’t prepared for the pang of longing that shot through him when he saw Yibo at the other end, his face drawn and closed off. 

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and put his head back against the couch to block his eyes from seeing that face that had stolen into every pore of his being over the past three weeks. 

“What do you want?” he asked, tired now, wishing he hadn’t texted. Wishing he hadn't imbibed this far beyond his tolerance. Wishing he had sent Yibo back when he had appeared that afternoon on his doorstep.

“Are you drinking?” Yibo asked quietly.

Xiao Zhan made a sound that was a cross between a scoff and a laugh. “Is this going to be that kind of a bullshit conversation? Because, I would like to avoid that. You’ve done plenty already.”

Yibo didn’t answer. When the silence lengthened beyond his tolerance, Xiao Zhan opened his eyes.

“Did you come here just to have sex with me?” he asked now, not mincing words.

“Of course not.” Yibo answered.

“Well, there appears to be no _of course_ about it, seeing as how you basically used me for sex for three weeks and just left one fine morning without even saying goodbye.”

“I’m sorry. I am just not good at goodbyes.” Yibo said quietly.

“It’s not all about _You_. _You_ think you feel more than me. _You_ think you won’t feel like this again. _You_ think you can’t move on and I can. _You_ don’t like saying goodbye. Jeez, did you even think about me once? What am I, some sort of puppet with no feelings? I live in the balcony for three days because you’re mad at me, I feed you every meal for three weeks, hell, you talked to my mother every day!” his voice raised at the end.

Yibo was quiet, whether out of acknowledging remorse or avoiding blame, it wasn’t clear, and finally Xiao Zhan looked at the video screen again.

Yibo was sitting on his couch, elbows hugged around raised knees, chin resting on top. His eyes were wet. 

“Zhan ge…” he began and Xiao Zhan closed his eyes against the plea in Yibo’s voice.

“I was selfish.” He heard him say. 

“I didn’t think things through.” He continued. Xiao Zhan kept his eyes closed.

“I… I just didn’t want to leave from there. Ever.” 

He opened his eyes then.

“You’ve fucked me up, Yibo.” And that too, in three short weeks. He left the second part unsaid, looking into the camera again. 

“I’ve been fucked up for two years.” Yibo’s voice was forlorn. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. I want this so bad that I think I’ll take any way to make it work. But… but, at some point, I’ll want you too much. And maybe…” he paused and lingered for a moment before he continued, “And maybe, you’ll want me a bit like that too… but there will be no time. Opposite schedules. Too much risk. Then there will be disappointment. resentment. And in a careless moment we will drag each other down.”

“Well fuck! Didn’t you think of all that before you came over?” Xiao Zhan exploded.

“I wasn’t even sure if you would let me stay.” 

“Oh, cut the crap! You couldn’t possibly believe that. How would I not let you stay? We are in the middle of a fucking pandemic!”

“I’m a grown man, Xiao Zhan. With my own flat, my own family, my own bodyguard, my own management. I would not be at risk of being on the streets if you told me to go back.” 

“Oh, so now you’re putting this shit back on me? You have some nerve!” Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened. 

“I didn’t think you would be this angry.” 

“Then what the fuck did you think I would be?” he asked, trying not to scream into the phone.

“I don’t know.” Yibo said now, deflated. “You’re usually calm, collected, nothing fazes you…”

“Are you saying I’m a fucking nutcase now?” he asked, although his nostrils flaring at the moment should have tipped him off on the answer to that.

“No, of course not, I just didn’t think you would… feel so strongly…” Yibo’s voice petered out.

“Fuck you.” Xiao Zhan said and reached to the screen to disconnect.

“Zhan ge, please…” Yibo said, reaching his hand out to the phone.

“I fucking hate you, Yibo. And that’s not the alcohol talking. Don’t ever fucking call me again.”

He hit ‘end’ before he could hear Yibo’s answer.

That ‘end’ was hit harder than intended because his phone sailed off its perch across the balcony and crashed into the opposite wall before falling to the floor.

He thought of retrieving it to see if there was permanent damage, but found that he didn’t care at the moment. His head was spinning when he closed his eyes and he held it on both sides as he gingerly lay back on the couch. He felt too physically sick to think of how much his chest hurt.

And then it was blessedly oblivion.

When he woke up the next morning, it was with a pounding headache magnified by a crick in his neck, stiff muscles, and the bright sunlight streaming in through the balcony window, the curtains doing little to block its piercing glare.

He tried to hold still until he thought he could move without throwing up or falling over, which seemed to take eons, and then finally got up. He searched for his phone for some time before he remembered how it had crashed against the wall, a memory that swept in the entire unpleasantness with Yibo last night. There were snippets of cursing and yelling that came back in pieces until all of it finally rearranged itself back into a sequential replay of events. Not his best moments in life. 

His phone screen was cracked in an intricate spiderweb on the lower right-hand side, the webbing spreading wider and wider through the entire screen. He tried to see if it would turn on. It did, but he could hardly make out anything on the bottom portion of the screen. He did manage to see 12 missed calls from Yibo. 

But worse, there were 23 missed calls from his manager. She had called all through the night and into the morning, the last one being about a half hour ago. His heart was in his throat as he used the voice command to call her back.

Then, life as he knew it, changed. Between the pandemic on a macroscale and Yibo on a microscale, he would have thought he had enough devastation to last a few years, but no, there was another one called Ao3 waiting in the shadow, hiding, jumping out to punch him in the face when he was already down. And this one knocked him out flat.

xxxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers, Thank you all for the comments that you have been leaving on the chapters. I enjoy reader engagement very much and please don't take the absence of individual replies as lack of interest or oversight. Sometimes, I find that answering may give away my personal opinion or otherwise spoil the narrative, so I hold back. But please continue to share your thoughts as that is always the recharge for my writing battery. Not to mention, now that I am in the thick of this, I post a chapter and am almost immediately consumed by thoughts of the next chapter. The long and the short of this is, I appreciate your readership and support and am especially thankful to those who comment on a regular basis (you know who you are :)
> 
> -Devi


	29. And A Beginning

_6 years later._

“So what do you think about the script?” Paige asked as he lifted his helmet off and shook his hair out.

He put the helmet down on the shelf in its place before walking to the sink in the corner. He caught her expectant face in the mirror there and shrugged. “The last time I did something like that was…” _Untamed_ , but he didn’t say that, instead opting for, “…8 years ago.”

“Yes, and look how well that did. It launched your entire acting career.” She said as if he needed a reminder.

 _At great personal cost._ But she knew that too. And they were both not going to bring that up.

“You think the audience is ready for a make-out scene between two guys?”

She psst-ed that. “The audience has been ready for ages. It’s other people who needed some encouragement. And now that same sex marriage is technically not banned in China…” she petered out.

“You think I should choose a script that wants to see how far we can tempt the censors?”

“It’s not going to be some sort of vulgar make-out session. They are going to film it in a…” she searched for a palatable word.

“Classy?” he offered with a smirk.

She looked at him and shrugged as if to say, _that works too_.

“Paige, there’s no such thing as a classy make-out. That’s just another word for uninspired. I am going to have to do the K-drama dead fish version of a kiss and then pretend to have moved along the LGBTQ narrative in entertainment. Whatever. I hate turning intimacy into a spectator sport anyways.” He turned on the tap and splashed water on his face, trying to keep his floppy hair from getting completely wet in the process.

“They are thinking of Darren Chen for your costar.” 

“What? That kid is like 2 whole inches taller than me. Meh, I think I’ll pass.”

“That _kid_? You know he is two years older than you.”

Well, that was news to him. He felt older than almost everyone who shared the same decade of birth with him. Even some of those whom he called geges felt younger than him. Maybe he had aged prematurely. He didn’t think it was a particularly good look on him.

If he was honest with himself, he knew it was a good script. And despite what he had said to Paige before, the intimacy between the lead characters wasn’t gratuitous. In fact, in the hands of the right director, he could see how the movie could be polished into something of a gem. But the alternate was also true. An incompetent, or worse, careless and greedy, director would annihilate it. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to take the risk. Not really because he was risk averse. But because he couldn’t be bothered. 

And he didn’t want to tell Paige that a sort of restlessness had seized him for the past year, one he could not kick. He knew Mark had picked up on it too. 

_Mark_. Yibo sighed. He had been thinking of how to tell Mark that he was planning on moving out. It was not that he didn’t feel comfortable. Hell, they had continued to live with each other way past their breakup for anything to be awkward or uncomfortable anymore. But it’s precisely because of that level of comfort that he hesitated. They put up no pretenses and had no expectations from each other anymore. 

Well that wasn’t entirely true. Sometimes Mark would stare at him in a way that made him think that Mark still entertained… certain expectations. Maybe living the way they did was keeping Mark from truly moving on. As for him, Yibo had no plans of moving onto anyone else. That sort of a relationship no longer held any appeal to him. He was about to turn 29 this year. For the first time in his life, he was starting to enjoy solitude. The fears that prevented him from enjoying it when he had been younger had sort of faded with time. Not just with time, but with age too. In fact, he was starting to appreciate the whole process of aging. He had figured out sometime in the past three years that if aging was done correctly, it was the natural cure for anxiety. Everything changed… situations, circumstances, relations, feelings, even the deepest of its kind - the kind that felt like it would rip your heart in two - given enough time and perspective, even that changed, faded... 

And now he was looking forward to getting older, enjoying his own company. He had become such a loner inside that he had sort of started to imagine retiring to a mountain cabin when he was older. The sort where he saw no people for days on end. Where there was no one interested in how he lived his life except he himself. It wasn’t as misanthropic as it sounded, he had assured Singer when he had talked to him about it, and Singer had seemed to understand. Singer, he had discovered over the years, was quite the philosopher at heart. Singer was of the opinion that retiring to solitude was a rite of passage for everyone and just because Yibo had started to ponder its merits earlier in life than usual did not mean that it was premature. His mind was just aging faster than his body was all. Yibo had appreciated that perspective.

“You should know the production house though.” He heard Paige say as he walked into the next room, his face buried in a towel. He was exhausted. Today’s ride had been grueling enough to tire his body out, which was a good counter to the mental exhaustion that he had felt at the end of his last movie shoot a week ago.

“I am more concerned about who the director is. If it’s a good one, we can pretty much work with any production.”

“It’s Zhan Group’s production.” Paige said. 

Yibo was glad that he was already in his bedroom where Paige couldn’t see him. He stood still as a ribbon of ice wound around his limbs.

“XZ studio.” She said as if he needed clarification. 

“I’ll pass.” He called out, once he was sure that he could speak without his voice breaking.

\---------------------

“I don’t think he’s going to take it.” Lisa said behind him, getting off the phone. He stared at his laptop without turning back to face her. 

“You want me to find someone else?” she asked.

“No.” he said before resuming the email that he had been in the middle of writing.

“Then what?” she asked.

He pretended to be engrossed in the email for several moments as he thought of how to say what he wanted to say.

“Figure out how to convince him to take it.” He said ultimately and tried not to sigh. Way to let her know that he wasn’t invested in the outcome of this one way or the other.

“Why? Why does it have to be him? Yes, he is popular, but hardly the only one who can play this role. We can get Xu Kai. Or Song WeiLong. Maybe Exo Lay.”

“No.” he said, making his tone as neutral as he could manage.

“Xiao Zhan. Please tell me this is not what I think it is.”

“I have no idea what you think it is.” He said, his fingers keeping up its steady thrum on the keyboard. He had no idea what he was typing. 

“Tell me you’re not trying to get Wang Yibo for a role in your production without personal reasons.”

“I am not trying to get Wang Yibo for a role in my production without personal reasons.”

“That’s a double negative.”

“It is. And you just asked me to tell you that.” He remarked in the same calm manner as he kept on typing.

“Don’t be a smartass.” It spoke to how many years she had been with him that she could say that to his face.

“I won’t.” he answered.

“So this is how it’s going to be.” She said, sighing.

“How is it going to be?” he asked, still not turning to face her, still typing nonsense.

“You know he has a live-in boyfriend.”

“How does that matter to his role as an actor?” he asked. 

She was quiet for a long moment and he thought that she had finally given it a rest.

But she hadn’t.

“8 years is a long time, Xiao Zhan. And you have been to hell and back in that time. You have spent far too much energy and effort in building all this up to be dragged back into that past again.”

“I don’t have any intention of going back there.” He said, his tone much cooler now.

“I know.” She said softly.

He finally stopped the guise of typing and looked back at her. “I think he will be good for the role. Just look at the last few movies he has done. He has that look.”

“What look?” she asked.

“Like you can’t look away from him when he walks into a room.” 

“This is Wang Yibo we’re talking about. I don’t think he has walked into a room without drawing notice since that Adam’s apple of his got its own zipcode.”

He smiled despite himself.

She did too. But then she asked seriously, “You really think you can handle being around him again?”

Xiao Zhan turned back around to look at his laptop once more. “Lisa, just because our production company is involved, how would that put me around him all the time? I would have to see him maybe a handful of times, if that. And that too, just during the big group events. Nothing beyond that.”

He could feel her eyes boring into his back.

“Well, it remains to be seen if he can be convinced.” She said absently.

“Zhang Yimou has agreed to direct.” He said, staring at the screen. Yimou was 76 and almost fully retired from the profession. It had taken an extended amount of time to convince him that this was a project worthy of coming out of retirement. 

“Seriously? He agreed? Man, I never thought he would!” Lisa said, banging both hands on the table. 

He nodded, looking back with a smile. It was an accomplishment for the production, to say the least. But fortunately, the studio had weathered many storms over the years to get to the position and reputation that it enjoyed now.

“Well, Yibo would have to be stupid to turn this down now.” She remarked as she got back on the phone again, walking out of the room.

He felt his shoulders relax a bit now that he was alone. One thing he knew about Wang Yibo. He wasn’t stupid. Not even to spite Xiao Zhan.


	30. Canon Divergence

“You okay?” Paige asked him. He nodded. He was fine. At least, the weather wasn’t too hot. He pushed back the hair that swept his forehead for the fifth time and wondered if he should have let Mark spray it back. No, not Mark, Eddie. Eddie was his new makeup artist.

It had been two months since he had moved out of the flat that he had shared with Mark. It had been years since they shared a bed, so that sort of an intimacy was no longer there to miss. But Mark hadn’t seen why there was a reason for Yibo to move out, they had a good enough living arrangement. They got along well, respected each other’s space, and above all, were still good friends. And so Yibo had been honest and had said that he wanted to live alone for a while, that maybe he was becoming a bit too isolative for it to not rub off on Mark.

A few days after he moved out, Mark had told him that he should look into hiring a new makeup artist. It was just as well. Eddie had been Paige’s recommendation. And while he was no Mark, he was good enough. Besides, Yibo was of the opinion that he was now too old to have to take on the sort of looks that they had tried on him when he was younger. There was a sense of freedom in that. Now, he just needed to look like he had had enough sleep. Sometimes even that was a tall order given his schedule. But it was good that that was the main service he needed from a makeup artist.

He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and t-shirt and noticed that Darren had done the same. His only previous interactions with Darren had been at award shows and there had never really been any personal interactions. He had been glad to discover at the initial script read that his costar was a friendly sort. Not to mention, extremely good-looking. It assured that in any interviews they had to do together, Darren could take on the bulk of the actual interaction and question/answer portions. And given how friendly he seemed, he was bound to have tons of fans, essentially assuring Yibo that he would be left alone. Or at the very least, he wouldn’t have to try so hard.

“So have you worked with XZ studio before?” Darren leaned over to ask.

Yibo shook his head. He didn’t mention that he had been there for the inception of XZ studio. Those stories were so old and dead now that he hoped they didn’t even exist in the annals of entertainment history. Because even though XZ studio had been the first holding of Zhan Group, it had become eclipsed by many of the Group’s other arms a long while ago. The main industry of the Zhan Group was not even entertainment in fact. It was a highbrow, highly selective PR firm. For an inordinately exorbitant price, they would carefully rebuild your online reputation. The prototype of that particular experiment had been Xiao Zhan himself. It had taken time and careful maneuvering to resurrect his reputation from how it had been slandered to Hades after the Ao3 scandal and then left to rot into oblivion. But Xiao Zhan had meticulously undone it all. Had reemerged from that year as an exemplar human being - “overcoming extreme adversity with notable aplomb” as one newspaper had put it and _Rising from the Ashes like Phoenix_ , as some other with stale taste in hyperbole had described. Xiao Zhan had proved exceptionally astute – maybe even cunning - in his ability to turn any lemon – no matter how bitter – into lemonade. And mint money while doing it.

At the end of that year, Yibo too had made some unfortunate and painful discoveries of his own. After the Ao3 crisis had erupted, Xiao Zhan had refused to accept any calls from him for almost three months. Yibo had stood by watching helplessly as the situation had gotten out of control, so beyond out of control, in fact. He had shown up at the flat and had been told that Xiao Zhan had gone on an extended trip, which he had assumed had been to Chongqing. He had understood that. Paige had told him to stop trying to contact Xiao Zhan for a while, at least until things calmed down. He had understood that as well. And had wished for the millionth time that he had not left Xiao Zhan’s flat that day. If he could have delayed leaving even by a week, he would have been there when it happened. And Xiao Zhan would not have been alone to deal with it. But he had understood Xiao Zhan’s need to be alone, had tried to listen to what Paige advised him and had given him a few months to figure out what to do. He had still texted him weekly, just letting him know that he was around when he was ready to talk. Three months after the scandal, Xiao Zhan had reappeared in public, doing a short interview with a news channel. He had done what he did well, sounding earnest, conscientious, and above all, condemned through no fault of his own but still owning responsibility for it. The response from the public had been gradual, but positive. Yibo had been glad and had tried to reach out again. With no response. It had turned into four months and then five and he had heard from Xuan Lu and Yu Bin that they had both heard from Xiao Zhan. When it had turned into six months, it seemed the rest of the Untamed cast had all been in touch with Xiao Zhan. Eventually he even returned to the Untamed WeChat group, but by then Yibo had figured out that he was the only one being iced out. He had gone a few months moping around, driving Paige crazy, trying to figure out if he could find out from Lisa how to get an actual face-to-face meeting with Xiao Zhan. They had been at the same event a few months later and by then, Ao3 had been all but forgotten. He had attempted to greet him and Xiao Zhan had smiled a polite dismissal. But later on that night, in his dressing room, Yibo had heard from Paige that Xiao Zhan had sent a message through Lisa. He would be forced to take out a restraining order if Yibo ever contacted him again. Paige had been all that was understanding and Mark and Singer had had to carry him home after he had gotten almost comatose drunk at some bar that night. The next day the news had come out that Xiao Zhan was dating some pretty actress, not the most famous, but certainly the sort that he could imagine Xiao Zhan marrying and taking home to his family. Paige and Mark had staged an intervention and told him to move on. He was only 23. He had a career – several, in fact – that were languishing from neglect. It was time to take care of himself. And that had been that.

“How did the Zhan Group become… a Group in like… a few years? Isn’t that sort of insane?” Darren’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

Calling the Zhan Group a conglomerate would be using the term conglomerate in its most technical sense. The Group was only five years old, after all. But aside from Reputation Repair, ahem, Public Relations, they also dabbled in cyber security. Given the rest of its enterprises, Yibo was surprised that Xiao Zhan had still held onto XZ studio. Zhan Group was very much still a growing company, but given how it only dabbled in areas in which its obsessive and perfectionistic CEO was personally invested, it had enjoyed a rather steep growth curve.

As if to prove the point, a black Tesla pulled up to the avenue just then.

Given where he was seated, he had prime-location viewing when the door opened and the man in the driver seat stepped out. Driving his own car. In Beijing traffic. Even a politician didn’t do the sort of shit that the Zhan Group’s CEO did. It was image perfecting, 24/7. Yibo barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Well damn, remind me again why he doesn’t act anymore.” Darren whispered. Xiao Zhan still dressed like he modeled for Gucci. He had on navy trousers, a white shirt, and a herringbone tan & brown jacket, all tasteful and fitted like the tailor had stitched it onto his tall slim form.

Yibo took Darren’s question as rhetorical and didn’t bother to answer. And it wasn’t like he knew why Xiao Zhan didn’t act anymore. Maybe he had gotten too busy turning into a corporate capitalist shill. If he wrote any of those fan fictions that had caused all the trouble in their lives in the first place, he would have called this reality Canon Divergence.  
But It wasn’t his business anyways. Neither had he any interest in knowing. Paige had assured him that there would be only a few events at which they would have to see each other. And then, he could be done with all this and move on with his life.

xxx


	31. Things We Lost In The Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from a Halle Berry-Benicio Del Toro film. Aside from that, the movie has no relevance to this chapter.

At his first sight of Yibo, he was glad that he had allowed Lisa to convince him to visit the tailor to dress for the occasion. He waited until he was escorted to his seat and the ceremony began before stealthily looking in Yibo’s direction. He looked as effortless as ever for all that he was just a year shy of turning thirty. He was in a pair of jeans – fitted, but no longer skin-tight or ripped – and a dark green t-shirt. At least his color preference hadn’t changed, although Yibo himself had changed over the years, he knew. His hair was as floppy as ever, the face still narrow, the jaw more angular than before. He no longer knows how intense those eyes are in person, but they are even more magnetic on screen. Those lips that used to drive him to distraction are pursed now, and he can’t tell if Yibo still has the compulsive habit of biting on his lips and then licking it to bits. 

“You’re staring.” Lisa whispered in his ear.

He shifted his gaze to the front. 

The ceremony was over before he knew it and then the photographer wanted some official shots before they moved to a nearby restaurant reserved for dinner. He knew it was likely the only time during the entire night that Yibo would willingly be within six feet of him. The configuration of the group shots ended up being Darren to his left and Yimou and then Yibo to the right. It was good enough. Darren's cologne was too strong though and even when Yibo passed right by him to take his place next to Yimou, Xiao Zhan couldn’t get even a whiff of his scent. 

After the photos were done, Darren struck up a conversation with him and out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yibo about to walk away, but then Yimou held him back. Xiao Zhan nodded along with something Darren said but he could see Yibo turn to Yimou with genuine pleasure. He had always been exceptionally deferential to those elder to him, maybe that’s why they all took him under their wings. It was good to see that that part of him had not diminished with age. Although truly, there was nothing about him that looked diminished with age. Everything had only magnified. Maybe nostalgia was coloring his perspective. Or not. There was no true nostalgia for him. He hadn’t had that in a while. The best three weeks of his 34 years had been immediately followed by the worst 12 months and while those 12 months could be recalled on their own at will, despite his ardent wish to forget them entirely, he had found that those 3 weeks could never be remembered without what came after. There was a sort of anxiety that came back whenever he tried to think of those memories… _Yibo leaning against the doorjamb that afternoon, Yibo sulking around for three days, Yibo sobbing under a blanket after Hotel Rwanda, Yibo smiling, Yibo cursing, Yibo on top of him, Yibo under him_ … and there it was, he could feel it. He looked at the Fitbit on his wrist and could see his heartrate climbing, 70, 75, 79, 81, 82. Given his natural disposition, galvanic skin response had never been a reliable indicator of his body’s fear response, but heart-rate had been pretty doggone accurate. At least it no longer climbed past 100 like it used to. His blood pressure had taken almost two years to regulate back to normal. And he had only started to sleep through the night two years ago, although there were times even now when he would be seized by days of insomnia. 

Needless to say, that first year of the scandal had been only the beginning for him. Long after the world had forgotten and moved on, long after he had been celebrated for his return, long after he had become recognized for his aptitude for turning shit around in his favor, long after he had gotten good at making money, he had still been a mental basket-case. The panic attacks had started that first year itself, the first of a whole host of shit that came after. Lisa had been the only one to witness all of it in its ugliness, and that too only because he couldn’t do it all alone. He had needed someone to cover for him when he was falling apart. But he trusted no one. The worse the symptoms got, the more anal-retentive he became, working around the clock at times, using the insomnia to his advantage. Lisa had started to worry by then that he may drive off a cliff one day with no warning. And while he had never entertained such thoughts with any sort of deliberateness, there had been times in the middle of riding his motorcycle – something that he had taken up obsessively, driving along long winding roads his particular fondness – he had occasionally wanted to see what would happen if he kept on driving past the edge. High enough up that it would be like falling into nothingness. Into the sort of oblivion that he craved. An absence of thought. An absence of consciousness. And after one of those drives, maybe Lisa had seen the wildness in his eyes, and had forced him to go to the UK for three months for treatment. He had refused at first and she had threatened to tell his parents and he had yielded. They had made it sound like a business trip, which had worked out just as well, as he had become a workaholic by then as the primary way of combating everything wrong in his head. 

Even after his return, it had taken a therapist, an 18-month course of antidepressants and EMDR before he finally started to feel like his mind was even remotely within his control. 

The worst of all the shit that had happened from Ao3 had been that his brain had distilled all of the trauma from that year into one solid point of reference. _Wang Yibo_. It had taken ages of therapy to uncouple Yibo’s name and memories from bringing on a full-blown panic attack. It would have been simple if Yibo’s name only brought out panic, then it could have been dealt with more straightforwardly. But it was like every strong emotion he had ever felt, both the most intensely pleasurable and the most agonizingly painful, had all become tied to Yibo, and that had been his brain’s worst betrayal. Attachment and aversion had become wrapped together like a two-ply yarn and had knotted itself into a ball inside his head, taking years to undo. Acting had become an impossibility during that time; he had needed something far less emotional and a lot more logical and systematic to rebuild his life. To feel like he had any modicum of control again. It had taken years, but he had achieved it. Or at the very least, a very close approximation of it. It had to be good enough.

Yibo had been long lost to him by then. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Readers,  
> Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments and discussion re: last chapter. Please continue. 
> 
> Love,
> 
> Devi


	32. Pretty Boys

He had thought that Yibo would find a way to avoid sitting at their table, but when Yimou asked him to join, he had come over without hesitation.

“You’re okay being this close to him?” Lisa leaned over to whisper in his ear.

He looked at his wrist in the guise of checking time. His heartrate was holding steady at 68. His base heart rate was around 63 give or take, so this was good. She leaned over to look and then her gaze came up to find his in surprise. She lifted an eyebrow in intimation of I’m impressed. He lifted an eyebrow himself. It had been a toss-up to see how this would go. A very public gamble. But they had had defaults in place in the event he started to feel the symptoms of a panic attack. It had been a long while since he had had one, but he had also not been this close to Yibo since… since about 5 years ago. That night had ended quite badly with Lisa having to take him home early as he lay in the back of the car thinking that he was dying from a heart attack. Even though he had known it was a panic attack, it had felt so incredibly physical at that point that he had been convinced that all of his cardiac and pulmonary functions were shutting down, one by one. But he had survived, miraculously. And Lisa had told him the next day what she had done. That she had told Paige that they would be forced to take out a restraining order if Yibo ever tried to contact him again. He had been glad. If he had thought of it, he would have threatened the same, but his head had been too fucked up to think straight.

Today was the first test of how effective the EMDR had been; he had had to look at so many pictures of Yibo, watch so many videos of him through treatment to slowly lower his body’s tendency to dump crazy amounts of cortisol into his system. But there’s only so much that even the best treatment could do to prepare you to see the real live thing. That had been a gamble that he had to take. Lisa had reminded him that he never had to take that gamble in his life. He was wealthy enough to figure out how to avoid Yibo for the rest of his life. He had smiled at that. As much as she understood him, had seen him at his worst, had held his hand through a lot of his demons, there was still one thing she didn’t understand. He didn’t want to avoid Yibo for the rest of his life.

“You both did a project a long time back, didn’t you?” he heard Yimou ask, looking first at Yibo and then at him. He nodded and glanced in Yibo’s direction. Yibo didn’t look at him, but nodded at Yimou.

“I think I remember it being quite popular that year.” Yimou said again.

“Oh that’s right! The Untamed!” Darren said as if this only just occurred to him. “Oh wow! It’s coming back to me now.”

“Well, that was another life.” Xiao Zhan answered, his gaze straying to Yibo again. And this time, Yibo was looking back at him. “Indeed.” He answered, pleasantly, a cordial smile on his face as if they were indeed friendly costars recalling fond memories. It caught Xiao Zhan by surprise. Yibo had finally learned the art of pretending. Well, the acting had to eventually rub off on real life too.

“So tell me Xiao Zhan, why did you stop acting?” Darren asked.

Darren was not the first one to ask and certainly wouldn’t be the last. And he had perfected the answers to these sorts of questions a long time ago.

“It’s best to quit while ahead. Besides, I had always been more interested in production anyways.” Not true. But who in the world deserved your truths other than yourself?  
He smiled.  
Yimou nodded. Darren smiled back. Yibo looked… indifferent. Oh, it didn’t seem that way to the others, he did a good enough job of looking engaged in the general conversation, but he had internally checked out, he could tell.

Aversion, he had been prepared for. Apathy, not so much. Yibo truly had moved on. There was really nothing left there. No lingering hatred. No lingering interest. No lingering emotions of any kind at all.

The conversation continued in that fashion for a bit, mostly of the preliminary sort. It wasn’t like any of them really knew each other that well for it to go deeper than that. Yibo spoke about as much as he expected, which was to say, he still didn’t say much unless directly asked a question, but Xiao Zhan could tell that Yimou liked Yibo a lot.

It had become second nature to him to look at his wrist every now and then, which often times gave people the idea that he was time conscious. He was. And he was glad that that was a good enough reason for him to check his heartrate like a diabetic got reads of blood sugar levels. He looked now. It was 65. There were so many times in the past when he had wondered how to consciously control his autonomic nervous system, but there were moments like this when his body and mind surprised him. Cut him a break. The fact that the love of his life was sitting reaching distance across from him after five long years and all of his internal systems were cooperating with him was a miracle in itself. It was enough. He wouldn’t be greedy for more. To see him this close up and hear him talk were all things that had not seemed possible once upon a time. He wouldn’t ask for any more.

****

“You okay?” Paige asked as they got into the car.

He nodded. It had been an exhausting night. No matter what he felt inside, he knew appearances mattered. Professionalism mattered.

“How many times will I have to see him again?” he asked, rubbing his temples. He had a full-blown headache.

“Just a few more. And the next one won’t be for a while, don’t worry.” She assured him.

He nodded and plugged in his earphones, sliding down in the seat and closing his eyes. As soon as he did, the face that he didn’t want to recall appeared in his mind’s eye. And now that he had seen it in person and close-up, the visual his brain generated was uncannily HD, all the details missing in 2-D filled in now that it had an animated memory to work with. His hair was longer now, sweeping the back of his neck, side swept with a lock permanently brushing his temple in a way that brought to mind old Hollywood. His mind colored in a fedora, a navy blue striped three-piece suit, and the back of a black sedan with leather seats, suitcases exchanging hands. Okay, maybe he had watched too many movies about the Italian mob. Although given what he knew of the Zhan Group’s CEO and his budding empire, he imagined the suitcase part could very well be true, the choice of clothing notwithstanding. But his mind corrected the image back to the original. As if a painting filling in digitally, the rest colored in. The cheekbones were sharper now, if possible. The lips held the same shape, with the bow tip and the tiny mole under the full lower lip, seeming entirely out of place nested as it was against the square chin and jawline. The eyes were still wide and held the long sweep of eyelashes, but otherwise held no traces of the openness that had been there before. They were now a permanent guest house, civil and polite, but with not even a signpost for where the host lived. Everything about Xiao Zhan seemed impersonal now, any softness that existed once upon a time having melted away. If he had had any doubts about who Xiao Zhan had become over the years, it had been resolved.

He opened his eyes when he felt the car slowing down and then sputtering to a stop. Paige opened the divider and checked in with the driver who whispered something before getting out to check under the hood.

Yibo sighed as he put his head back. Of all nights, this would have to happen tonight. He thought of getting out of the car to check, but knew that was not a good idea. Singer was not even with him. Even though there was not a lot of traffic on the road that they were on, he still didn’t want to attract attention. Besides, they were still a good half hour from his flat.

Paige was on the phone already trying to get a different car when there was a knock on their window. It was tinted and guaranteed privacy for those inside, but he could see who was outside. Lisa.

Which meant, he turned around to look behind him and sure enough, the Black Tesla was pulled over right behind them.

“No.” he said even as Paige rolled down the window.

“You appear to be having some car trouble.” Lisa said.

“No shit.” Yibo muttered.

“Can we give you a ride?” she asked.

“No, we got this.” Yibo said at the same time as Paige said, “Yes, thank you so much!”

He looked at Paige and tilted his head as he said, “I’m sure we got this.”

“I’m pretty sure we don’t.” she answered, widening her eyes.

“I’m sure we don’t even live anywhere close to where you guys are going.” Yibo said, looking back at Lisa.

“You’re on our way.” Lisa answered. “When you are ready, you can come over. Paige, you can sit in the back with me.” And then she was on her way back.

“Are you shitting me? Is this some sort of meetup you orchestrated behind my back?” he was angry now as he turned to face Paige.

“Why would I do that to you?” she asked, looking out front. She seemed preoccupied and not really bothered by the fact that he was angry with her.

“Paige, what’s going on?” He asked now, tapping her on her knee.

“I knew we should have gotten a replacement bodyguard for the night. Fuck!”

He looked at where she was looking and noticed it. There was a gray civic lingering some distance behind, currently parked.

Being chased like this had eased a lot from before; in its heyday, he had had to file a few high-profile lawsuits to resolve the issue. He had thought he was too old for this shit by now, but on occasion, there were still psychotic fans who followed him to hotel rooms and restaurants and any number of places.

But this was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.  
Paige had already opened the car door. He was not going to be a petty child about this, but he cursed the fucking asshole waiting who had put him in this position. Both of them.

As Lisa had asked, Paige got into the backseat with her. His headache had gotten worse. He kept the earphones plugged in and put his mask and hat on before he leaving his car behind to get into the Tesla.

Xiao Zhan did not look at him when he got in the car. Nor was there a greeting. He was glad. They didn’t need to pretend here. Paige and Lisa were talking amongst themselves and there was some music station quietly playing in the background, all of which served as sufficient ambient noise to allow them to lapse into silence.

It worked for about ten minutes until the car veered sharply to the right. It jolted him and he opened his eyes. He looked in Xiao Zhan’s direction and saw him look behind to the passenger seat to say, “Sorry.”

The car slowed and he saw Xiao Zhan pull up a map on the car’s screen and plug in an address. Then they were moving again at regular speed. The location they plugged in was only about five minutes away. He wondered about the detour when a few minutes later, on a side road, Xiao Zhan slowed down before pulling over to the side and shifting the gear to park. Then he shut off the engine and waited, watching the driver side mirror. Before long, Yibo could see the headlights of the gray Civic turn into the road they were on. He closed his eyes and sighed. Once the car identified that they were parked, it too parked a few cars behind.

Fuck this bullshit. He was going to blow something up today. He was about to open the door when Paige called out his name. But at the same time, he felt a hand on his arm stop him. He looked at the hand and then at Xiao Zhan and saw him shake his head.

Before Yibo could say anything, Xiao Zhan removed his seat belt to get out of the car.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Yibo asked, pulling on his arm.

“Nothing. It’s ok. Don’t get out of the car.” He said, freeing his arm and nodding to Paige and Lisa in the back.

And then he was out of the car and walking in the direction of the gray Civic. Its windows were tinted.

“Is he stupid? What the fuck!” Yibo said, turning to the back, aiming this at Lisa.

“He is not stupid.” She answered as if he had asked a serious question.

He looked in the passenger side mirror and saw Xiao Zhan knock on the window of the Civic.

“Oh, he’s definitely stupid.” He said and started to unbuckle his seatbelt.

“Yibo, stop! You can’t.” Paige and Lisa said at the same time.

“Why can’t I when he can?” he asked, unbuckling just the same.

“He has a gun.” Lisa said.

He paused in shock and when he looked behind, he found that Paige was looking at Lisa in shock too.

“Oh don’t worry, he’s not going to use it. It’s just for security.”

“That’s the fucking stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Yibo said as he fully took off the belt.

“Stop Yibo. Dear Lord!” Paige burst out just as Lisa pulled him back by the shoulder. “He’s coming back. Don’t worry.”

“What?” he looked in the side mirror again and saw that Xiao Zhan was indeed walking back to the car.

He watched the gray Civic for a moment and then saw the headlights come on.

Xiao Zhan got back in the car, but did not turn it back on.

He was still watching the side mirror and before long, the Civic passed them by.

All of them watched until the car disappeared around the corner.

“Dear Goodness” Paige exclaimed, sinking back against the backseat.

Yibo didn’t wait before reaching over and grabbing at Xiao Zhan’s suit jacket. He heard the gasp of surprise but did not pay attention as he patted all around under the jacket and around the belt.

“Where is your gun?” he asked when he found no such thing tucked into the back or anywhere else that he could see for that matter.

“What? What gun?” Xiao Zhan asked.

Yibo looked back at Lisa. “Were you lying?”

Xiao Zhan looked back at Lisa too, narrowing his eyes.

“Okay, technically, I said he has a gun, not that he has it on him.”

“You told him I have a gun? Why?” Xiao Zhan turned around to face Lisa. She shrugged. “He was about to join you and make the situation worthy of tomorrow’s front page. I had to dissuade him somehow.”

“So you told him I have a gun? Of all the asinine things to say.”

“Well, it kept him in the car, didn’t it?” she asked, not contrite in the least.

“That was a ridiculous thing to say to keep him in the car.” Paige said, although she seemed only too pleased with the result it produced.

“What did you actually do to get them to go away?” Paige asked, now turning to Xiao Zhan.

He pulled his phone out and showed Paige the screen. “I’m going to send these to you. I have told them that I have these and the number plates of the car. The police station is around the corner. It’s easy enough to make an official complaint. I don’t think that’s necessary, but if you catch that number plate again, you have some evidence.”

“This is how you catch all of your stalkers?” Yibo asked, incredulous. This seemed the stupidest and most dangerous way to handle this bullshit.

“Oh, I don’t have stalkers. That’s only for pretty boys like you.” Xiao Zhan said as he started the car back up.

He heard Lisa and Paige giggle in the back as if this was the height of humor.

“None of you are funny in the least.” He bit out before plugging his earphones back in and putting his mask back on to slouch down in the seat, shutting them all off.

xxx


	33. Exposure Therapy

He had survived all the excitement of the night in one piece. When he got in bed that night, he checked the graph of his heartrate that his Fitbit generated and studied the spikes and valleys of the past several hours. He could see the second biggest spike of the night had been when Yibo got into his car. Something about being in an enclosed space with him, his car of all places, had sent his heart rate all the way up to 105, although over the next ten minutes or so, it had come down to about 85. There was a 5-minute period during the car ride when his heart rate had dropped down to 68. He would bet it was during the confrontation with the idiots in the Civic. It had been two young guys, early 20s likely, possibly paparazzi. As soon as they had rolled down the window – another stupidity on their part – he had stuck the flash of his phone on them and taken their pictures, their expressions comedic with shock. He wasn’t sure if they recognized him; he was occasionally featured in business journals or more niche magazines but no longer had the sort of widespread fame that he once did. His name certainly didn’t inspire any dedication from the paparazzi, something he was eternally grateful for and another reason he had given up acting. In the beginning days, it wasn’t just Yibo that triggered him, it was all manner of media. He had had to get over that pretty quickly given how much the media – all kinds of it – had hounded him. It had been Exposure therapy at its finest. If he would have seen Yibo within that first year too, actively sought him out, he didn’t think his reaction to him would have gotten as bad as it eventually did, even after all the other triggers had faded. Instead he had cut Yibo off. Well, hindsight was always 20/20. 

His therapist had always warned him that even though his excessive sweat response essentially invalidated his galvanic skin response as a predictor of oncoming panic, going only by heartrate also had the same sort of limitations. An adrenaline rush could spike it, although that didn’t come so easily to him. Case in point, above confrontation with the paparazzi. Even when he took his motorcycle for cliff side rides, his heartrate rarely crossed 75.

He checked the graph again. The second time his heart rate had hit over a 100 that night had been when… Yibo had run his hands all over his body searching for a gun. That spike had nothing to do with an oncoming panic attack. It was a far simpler sort of racing heart. Middle schoolers felt it when their crushes talked to them for the first time. And he, a 34-year old man, was feeling it again after a long _long_ time, by the same one who had made it happen the last time he had felt it. 

He sighed and fell back against his pillow. Where Yibo was concerned, his heart was literally beating out of control for every possible reason, right, wrong, and everything in between.

He closed his eyes, his mind reciting his usual bedtime meditation. He was so trained in doing it that the calmness that came from it now simply arrived out of habit. Although now, once the regular humdrum of thoughts disappeared, a new one popped into his head, one that he had not entertained before.

What had Lisa said? She had had to threaten Yibo with that gun story to keep him in the car. 

_He was about to join you and make the situation worthy of tomorrow’s front page. I had to dissuade him somehow._

And when he had been about to get out of the car, Yibo had pulled him back. Actually pulled him back by the arm to ask, _What the fuck are you doing_?

And when he had thought he had a gun on him, Yibo had been pissed. And he had remained pissed the entire ride to his flat, getting out of the car and slamming the door with Paige apologizing after him. 

That meant…

That meant Yibo was not as indifferent as he pretended to be. 

He looked at his Fitbit and noticed that it was reading 75 now. He smiled as he lay back down. This was not panic. This was something else entirely. And he was going to Exposure Therapy the shit out of it.

xxx

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Yibo pulled Paige back when she started to walk out of his trailer.

“What?” she asked, looking up from her phone.

“Look” he pointed through the blinds at Xiao Zhan sitting next to the director’s chair, in deep conversation with Yimou.

She tilted her head in surprise and then looked back at him and shrugged.

“You told me that I would only have to see him like four times.” Yibo glared at his manager as if she had personally betrayed him.

“Well, it looks like he changed his mind.” She shrugged again and started to leave. 

He pulled her back again. “I don’t want him here.”

She laughed at this. “Yibo, you’ve been in this industry long enough to know that that’s not up to you, right?” 

His face changed to one of distress. “Paige, I only took on this project because you assured me that he would be not an issue.”

“No, you took on this project because Yimou is your favorite director of all time and you were honored beyond belief to get the chance to work with him. Xiao Zhan had nothing to do with it.” 

He tilted his head at her. “I don’t understand you. Have you met me before? Why are you acting this way? You were there with me through everything that happened.”

“Yibo, he has clearly moved on. He even went out of his way that day to help us out.”

“Is that what this is? You are so grateful that he came through as the senseless Knight in Shining Tesla to send a stalker packing that you completely forgot all the shit that I have been through?”

She sighed now, grabbing both his hands between hers. 

“Yibo, when will you get over him? It’s been six years, honey. Isn’t it time to let it go and move on? You don’t even pretend to want to date anymore. Even with Mark, you just went along for a bit, too tired and heartbroken to decline comfort. And now that you have moved out of that apartment, you live like a hermit. For what? To show whom? _Him_?” she looked out through the blinds again. “Isn’t it enough seeing him live his best life for you to realize that you need to let it go too? Live your own life? Show him that he didn’t take everything you had when he cut you off?”

Yibo pulled his hands out of her grip, his expression closed off.

“I’ll see you later.” He said as way of dismissal.

Paige didn’t move. After a moment, he looked her way again, his gaze vulnerable in a way that she had not seen in a long while. 

“Oh Yibo…” she whispered as she stepped forward to take him into her embrace. It was an embrace that had gotten him through many a day when he had not wanted to get out of bed. Although it all seemed a long time ago now.

She held him for a bit and finally asked, “Do you want me to talk to Lisa?” 

He gave her one last squeeze before pulling back, shaking his head. “You know what, you’re right. This is a professional relationship. There is no need for any of the past mess to interfere any longer. We are hardly the people we once were. He and I don’t even know each other anymore. This is just a three or four-month shoot. A blip of time in the grand scheme of things. I’ll deal.”

She nodded her agreement and smiled. “And I’ll be here to help you deal.”

Besides, pissing off wealthy CEO’s who had clout and power – not to mention, balls of steel, if that gray Civic incident was anything to go by – was not good for an actor’s career. Even one as successful as Wang Yibo’s. But she didn’t mention that. 

xxx


	34. Competition

“How many days are you going to hang out here?” Lisa asked him, sitting across from him in the cramped space. Well, cramped compared to his office, but the trailer was spacious as far as trailers went. Just about as spacious as the other trailers in the lot. It was more than enough space for him. 

“Oh, I don’t know. Not that many.” He said noncommittally, looking at his laptop.

“Listen, I’m not judging you for your gargantuan weakness exactly in the size and shape of one Wang Yibo, and as long as you have your therapist on speed dial and your trusty Ativan handy, your heart may survive. But you do run a business, several in fact. Some meetings do have to be handled personally. So if you give me a few days for when you are back in Beijing, I can go ahead and schedule those.” She remarked dryly as she pulled down one of the slats of the blinds to look out. 

He watched her from under his eyes. “When do you need me? I can be there. And stop staring at that guy in charge of props. You are going to drill a hole into his back.”

She rolled her eyes as she looked back at him. “Is he married?” she asked. 

“How would I know?” he remarked, looking at the laptop, before looking up suddenly.

“Wait, are you on the market again?” he asked. Lisa had had a rather amicable divorce a couple of years ago and even though she had assured him that her dedication to him and the company played no role, he knew differently. How was one supposed to sustain a marriage when one was not around? He had asked her that many times when he had asked her to go home when she was putting in 12, 13 hour-days when he had been building the company. But she had avoided the topic. One day though, when she had been somewhat tipsy after a company event and he had driven her back home, she had told him that she knew that her husband had been keeping a mistress for about 3 years. They had been married almost 20. She couldn’t blame him, she had said. They had married straight out of college and the first few years had been happy enough. But inevitably, the confines of a marriage had intruded. Lisa was of the opinion that it was the rare couple who truly grew old “together”. They had grown old apart instead. And in his late 30s, her husband had found someone who he was more compatible with to grow old together, well at least from the perspective of 30s. Lisa had said that even though she had been angry the first few days after she found out, it was a sort of pretend anger and more at herself for feeling relieved. She had been relieved that he had checked out of the marriage first and thereby absolved her of the guilt. She had still stayed in it for a few more years, too busy to upset the boat and take on changes that she had no time to take on, until finally her husband had asked her for a divorce. And she had just as unceremoniously granted him one. And a few months later, it had been over. She said that she had been afraid of coming home to an empty house and that it had kept her in the marriage for far longer than she wanted, but in truth, she was home so few hours that it did not matter. And she surprisingly liked the freedom of living alone. She could eat whatever she wanted, walk around however she wanted, come home whenever she wanted, take business trips whenever she wanted, check out whomever she wanted, fantasize about whomever she wanted. She had laughed and mused that she had missed out on a whole decade of living that way and now had to spend her 40s doing what she should have done in her 20s. Fear of regretting had made her live a life that had already accumulated too many regrets. Even if she ended up regretting anything she did now, at least she was finally enjoying her life. He was inclined to agree. 

“I’m always on the market to look.” She grinned. “Besides, I’m tired of staring at pretty boys all day. I need like a solid chunk of man.” She gave a growl at the end and he looked out to see the prop master’s shirt riding up a bit as he reached up. 

“Pretty boys are solid chunks of men too.” He remarked, watching Yibo standing around with the other cast members, getting ready for their next scene. 

“Well, Yibo _is_ a great loss to women.” She said, shifting her gaze. “And evidently to men too.” She looked back at him.

He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh come on, the only time that boy has shown any real emotion is when he got pissed at you in the car for attempting to go rescue his ass from a stalker. Otherwise, he is basically checked out from the world.”

“Hardly. He gets on well with the crew and cast.” His gaze shifted back to Yibo.

“Yes, he gets on well. He gets on well with everyone. He is polite and hard-working and still collects Geges like only he can.” Lisa’s prop master was now helping Yibo, going out of his way to pick up something that Yibo had dropped.

“Dear Lord, tell him to stop doing his voodoo on straight men.” She widened her eyes when Yibo smiled his thanks and Mr. Prop master smiled back affectionately. 

“You know, two of his old Geges from Day Day Up and that motorcycle gege have already visited him on site. You’ll be fighting off geges all your life.”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “You seem to be harboring the misconception that he will willingly give me another chance.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you doing all this?”

“Doing all what?”

“All this. Isn’t it to get him back?”

“If I did to you what I did to him, would you take me back six years later?” 

“If you begged nicely and gave me a penthouse in New York and a villa in Italy.” She answered without missing a beat.

“He doesn’t care about those things.” 

“Wait, you actually considered buying him with money?”

“I did not. I’m just saying…”

“But the begging might work though.” She laughed at how seriously he defended himself.

“This is already good enough.” He said as he looked back at his laptop.

She was quiet for a bit before she spoke again, her tone changed.

“All kidding aside, how are you coping? Any palpitations?”

He shook his head.

“You telling the truth?” she asked, softly.

He looked up. “I am. Even when he touched me in the car, I was alright.” She didn’t need to know all the reasons why his heart would race.

“That sort of blew me away. I would have thought you would pass out. Hell, watching it, I almost passed out.”

“That’s what I am saying. Desensitization works.” 

“Zhan Zhan, how are you going to desensitize yourself to Wang Yibo? The boy makes your heart beat faster at your default setting.” Well, so much for her not knowing.

He didn’t answer. 

“Xiao Zhan…” she called.

He closed his eyes and sighed. “Now that I’ve seen him this close again, I can’t go back to not seeing him. Just let me have this. It’s only a few months.”

“And then what?”

“And then what? He will move on with his life. And I will go on with mine too. Aren’t you the one who told me he has a live-in boyfriend? So, there you go. He and I are in different orbits. This is just the point at which we pass by each other.” 

She sat back on her chair with a sigh. “Are all gays this melodramatic? Jezus!”

He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at her.

“Yea, yea, you’re pan or whatever. Which is bullshit. Ever since you met him, you’ve been Yibosexual and nothing else. How many years has it been since you’ve been attracted to anyone else?”

He was about to answer and she cut him off with a, “Don’t give me that bullshit about your dating life. You date exactly one person every other year and wrap up after three dates. You don’t take any of them home and I don’t even think you remember their last names.”

“I remember their last names.” Was all the answer he gave. They have been mutually advantageous engagements with people he had no romantic interest in and people who had no romantic interest in him. The only one that the world had thought had potential had been an actress that he had pretended to date for at least a year. He had met her a few years before his scandal and by the time he “dated” her, he had gotten to know her well enough to know that she wasn’t into men. And evidently some others had found out too because rumors had started. He had agreed to help her out for temporary relief. He had also needed Yibo to back off at that time and no better way to do it than to give the impression that he had definitely moved on. The actress had gone on to do relatively well in a few dramas, but the pressure to hide her sexuality, among other pressures of the industry, had gotten to her and she had eventually ended up emigrating to Canada, now living quite comfortably and in relative anonymity with her girlfriend of eight years. 

Well, all that was neither here nor there.

“There are a lot of Yibosexuals. It’s a category unto its own.” He said and she laughed, nodding.

“I don’t know if you have noticed…” she started now, looking out the blinds again.

He raised an eyebrow.

“But pretty man has some competition.” 

He looked out to see what she was looking at and saw Darren walking towards the trailer.

He looked back at her in question.

“This boy…”

He narrowed his eyes.

“Okay, yes, this 31-year old man, ah, he is _too pretty_ it’s unfair…”

He sighed and she said, “I digress…”

“Yes, you do.”

“He is into you.”

He pffed as if this line of conversation did not merit his attention and looked back at the laptop.

“Fine, don’t believe me. But you know what, this is good. Yibo is too used to being the prettiest of them all. He could use some competition.”

“He has no competition.” He said off-handedly, opening an email.

“You’re blind and Mr. Darren over there doesn’t look like he is used to being unseen.”

He shook his head with a smile, no longer paying attention, dismissing her with a, “Bye Lisa. Don’t seduce my prop master.”

She laughed on her way out, winking at Darren’s friendly face as they passed each other by.

xxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again dear readers,  
> Thank you once again for your thoughtful comments and questions, concerns, and discussion points. I quite appreciate them. You certainly give me a lot to think about and of course get my writing juices flowing. I appreciate you all :)
> 
> P.S. I feel like the Yibo club and the Xiao Zhan club should have debates with each other; I always feel like each chapter alternates between the biases coming out :)
> 
> -Devi


	35. Jealousy

Two things he noticed over the course of the next week. One, he still wasn’t convinced that Darren was into him in the way that Lisa assumed, but the actor was definitely the friendly sort. He reminded him a bit of Wei Wuxian, in fact. Gregarious, a bit mischievous, and entirely sure that everyone adored him. Well, he amended that thought. He reminded him of Wei Wuxian in his first life. In his second life, Wei Wuxian was a lot more circumspect, assuming everyone thought the worst of him. He thought Darren would have been a good Wei Wuxian. He himself seemed far too removed now from the character to ever have played it with any sort of believability. He, in fact, felt a lot more like Lan Wanji now, his focus not wavering. He lowered one slat of the blinds to look out and saw the object of that focus, far off, sitting in a chair next to Yimou, listening intently to the director. Darren was on the other side as well, nodding along. After a few minutes, he saw Yibo look up to the top of one of the nearby buildings. He followed his gaze. There was a mini drone lingering at the top of the building. Yibo did have a reputation for his uncanny ability to spot any intruders on any set, human or mechanical. He got up and walked out of the trailer, walking over to security. Within a few minutes, the signal of the drone was jammed. He climbed back onto his trailer and stood on the stairs watching and a few minutes later, he saw the drone fall on the roof of the building, now essentially inert. Yibo watched it happen and seemed taken aback, looking around. He spotted him standing on the steps of the trailer. He thought Yibo would look away, but he didn’t. He couldn’t read Yibo’s expression from this far away, although he imagined that even if it was close, the expression wouldn’t tell him much, but this was longer than any notice Yibo had paid him thus far and he would be damned if he would look away first. 

“Thanks for taking the drone down, Xiao Zhan!” Darren yelled out from behind Yibo, just noticing it after someone pointed it out to him.

“Anytime.” He yelled back, smiling.

When he looked back at Yibo, he was already back in conversation with Yimou.

Which brought him to his second point. No matter what Lisa thought, Yibo barely paid him any mind at all much less seem bothered by any attention Darren sent his way. While Darren tended to seek him out quite often to shoot the shit when he got a break, Darren also talked to a great deal of people. He was a 31-year old social butterfly, striking up conversations left and right all over the set. Yibo, on the other hand, did not seek out or initiate interactions with almost anyone, even though he was usually welcoming if others tried to engage him. He didn’t hide out in his trailer either, but usually lay under the shade of some tree on a chair, eyes closed and ear phones plugged in. Darren and Yibo couldn’t be more different from each other if they tried. But they seemed to get along well, striking a decent chemistry on-screen so far. But they were still shooting the beginning scenes and had not yet shot any of those that required that chemistry to really go somewhere deeper to make an impact. 

It was the end of the first full week of shooting and Xiao Zhan had reserved a local restaurant for lunch for the cast and crew. He had not been planning on going, but at the last minute, Lisa had dragged him along, saying that he would seem too uppity to pay for the shindig and then not join the common folk.

It was the end of the spring and the weather was already too warm for him. He had developed an appreciation for linen comparatively later in life and then it had been love at first wear. It wrinkled horribly, but if the linen was soft enough, he thought the wrinkles just added character. In the summers, he lived in loose linen pants and cotton shirts and Lisa had taken to joking that he already dressed like one of those rich men who lived on catamarans and tanned until they turned pink, sipping drinks with olives in the middle of the day, and surrounded by bikini clad women. 

As he didn’t own a catamaran, hardly drank, and didn’t care one way or the other about swimwear-clad bodies of any gender, he thought his choice of outfit and his longish hair that curled slightly at his nape gave him the look of a pretentious artist. If he were slightly more disheveled, it would _up_ the gravitas of the entire look, but he was far too clean and put together to pass for a true artist. 

He also did not tan pink, he had reminded her; he tanned like a Brazilian and he thought it was a good look on him. 

When they got to the restaurant, he sat down with Lisa and before long, Darren joined him on the other side. Lisa elbowed him under the table as if this was all the proof her hypothesis needed and he rolled his eyes at her. Yimou and Yibo ended up on the opposite side of the table, a few seats down from them. On the other side of Yibo though was a face that he had not seen in a long while.

“Ah, the boyfriend has finally made an appearance. I was wondering why he hadn’t visited yet.”

He was sure that he had not heard correctly. He must have stared too long because suddenly the other man looked up at him. Xiao Zhan didn’t even blink, returning his gaze until Mark finally turned to look at Yibo. He saw Yibo look at Mark and then follow Mark’s gaze to turn in his direction. 

Unbeknownst to him, he had tilted his head and Yibo responded by raising an eyebrow, holding his gaze.

Lisa elbowed him again, rather hard this time, and said, “You’re staring!”

He looked away, irritated, muttering to her under his breath, “Fuck, that hurts!”

“Yea? Better than you trying to throw daggers at that dude with your eyes! Someone has to look out for your sorry jealous ass.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was dating his makeup artist?” he asked, looking at her.

She looked taken aback. “Why does it matter who it is. I thought you said you were not in this to pursue something with him.”

He glared at her. She raised an eyebrow, not letting up. “I believe you said something about you two being different solar systems that did not intersect.”

“I said we were in different orbits, passing by each other. Completely different!”

“Dear God, are we seriously fighting about the exact astronomy metaphor that you used to describe you and your soulmate who gives you panic attacks?”

“He does not give me panic attacks!”

“Yet!” she said, whispering loudly under her breath.

“Who gives you panic attacks?” Darren leaned over to ask.

“Trump.” Lisa answered, without missing a beat. 

“Trump?” Darren asked, his eyebrow shooting up, now looking at Xiao Zhan. “Hasn’t he been out of office since like 2020?”

“Yes, but the memory is still fresh enough to give all world survivors of the Orange Reign panic attacks. Xiao Zhan was especially affected. He really took it to heart that his fame coincided with Trump’s presidency. It’s like a personal affront, you know?”

Xiao Zhan laughed and then leaned over to mutter, “What the hell are you even talking about?” 

“Oh Xiao Zhan, don’t take it personally. It’s long over.” Lisa said loudly.

Xiao Zhan nodded as if this wasn’t the most ludicrous conversation that he had ever been a part of. 

Lisa said something else to Darren, making him laugh and effectively forget their little skirmish about panic attacks, and Xiao Zhan used the chance to look in the direction of Yibo and Mark. 

Of all the people to have dated. Although he didn’t know why that made him so angry. He had no right. But the part of him that seemed to think it still had some rights over Yibo’s romantic inclinations was not in the mood to listen, getting angrier the more he stared at Mark. 

Yibo suddenly looked up at him as if he knew he was staring.

He didn’t look away. But Yibo did. And a few moments later, he said something to Mark and got up to walk off in the direction of the hallway that must lead to the bathrooms.

Xiao Zhan knew he was not thinking clearly when a moment later he too excused himself – Darren and Lisa were now sharing Trump memes on their phones – and walked off in the direction of the hallway as well. 

By the time he rounded the corner into the hallway, he saw Yibo round another corner at the end where the sign clearly marked “Restrooms.”

He reached there in record time and noticed that there were two side by side single stall restrooms that either gender could use. Yibo had just entered one and was about to close the door when Xiao Zhan got in behind him.

“What the fuck!” Yibo said turning around when Xiao Zhan locked the door.

Given the unisex nature of the stalls, this was done up quite well, painted in a lush green with low lighting and a giant plant in the corner. It looked pretty clean too. 

“You have some ner…” Yibo started while Xiao Zhan was perusing the cleanliness of the surroundings but didn’t quite get to finish when he pulled Yibo up to kiss him.

There was a moment when Yibo was immobile from being startled, but then he pushed Xiao Zhan away. 

He had expected it and didn’t attempt to pull Yibo back again.

But Yibo was almost panting with anger now and pushed hard against Xiao Zhan’s chest. “You have some nerve, asshole!”

Now that the momentary jealous madness had passed, he leaned back against the wall to close his eyes.

He did have some nerve.

“What am I, your fucking toy? You waltz back in after six years with your stupid money and your stupid studio and your stupid company and you think I’ll just fall back into your shit? Bastard!” Yibo pushed him again, catching him right on the chest. 

Yibo gritted his teeth, seeming to get angrier just by breathing, and this time pushed him with both hands, not even bothering to curse any more.

This one hurt, and Xiao Zhan brought a palm against his chest. Yibo noticed and pushed him hard again, and this time Xiao Zhan caught both his hands to pull him close to kiss him again.

For a moment, a single moment, Yibo’s lips parted, softened, and then he bit down hard on Xiao Zhan’s lower lip.

Xiao Zhan pulled in that lip and sucked on it, tasting the metallic taste of copper in his mouth, and watched Yibo. In the next instant, he pulled Yibo to him to bite down on his lower lip too, although he stopped just shy of making it bleed. 

Yibo glared at him, surprise and anger now combining together.

A knock on the door startled them both and Xiao Zhan grabbed Yibo to him, covering his mouth. 

“Yibo?” they heard from outside.

Yibo pulled down Xiao Zhan’s hand and answered, “Yes, Mark, I’ll be right out.”

“Okay, I’ll wait for you.”

“Umm, don’t worry. Why don’t you go back and get some food? Get some for me too. I’m starving.”

There was a slight hesitation at the other end and then Mark said, “Alright. Sushi ok?”

“Yes, that’s fine. Thank you.”

They waited until the footsteps receded before Yibo seemed to notice that Xiao Zhan’s arms were still around him. He elbowed him away and turned around to look at him.

“Seriously, I’ll press suit for harassment if you pull this shit again.” He said now, his expression turning cold. 

He unlocked the door, but before opening it, he turned around with a look of distaste. “Jealous caveman shit doesn’t become you.”

And then he opened the door and was gone.

Xiao Zhan banged his head back against the wall at his back. He was fucked up in the head in more ways than one, as it was turning out.

xxxxxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, bring on the eggs and tomatoes :)


	36. A Confrontation

He waited at least five minutes before returning to his seat, telling Lisa that he had had to take a phone call. Of course, he knew she wouldn’t swallow that baloney; it was mostly for the benefit anyone else who may have noticed his long-ish bathroom break. 

He kept his lower lip tucked in until he got his food and then he was hoping people were too busy eating to notice. 

Lisa, God bless her, held her tongue until they got back to his trailer to lay into him. 

He had his lips pursed and she flicked her middle finger against his chin - that shit hurt - getting him to release his lips promptly. 

“Fuck, Xiao Zhan! What did you do?” 

He rubbed his chin where she had hit him, ignoring her glaring at his swollen lower lip.

“I ran into a wall.”

She sighed. “The same wall that Yibo ran into?”

He didn’t answer as he opened up his laptop.

“You’re playing with fire, boy.” She said, dropping into the seat opposite him.

Before he could respond, there was a knock on the door.

He got up to open the door and found Mark standing outside. 

He looked back at Lisa, who nodded and got up. “I have sent you the itinerary for tomorrow.”

When she passed by him though, she whispered, “Keep your cool.”

He narrowed his eyes, shaking his head, and wanted to ask her what she thought he would do. Despite his earlier indiscretion, he wasn’t in the habit of engaging in “indiscretions” in general. 

Once she left, he asked for Mark to come in, gesturing to the seat that Lisa had just vacated.

Mark took the seat, but did not speak right away. Instead, he took a look around the trailer. 

“It’s like all the other trailers here.” Xiao Zhan said, more to provide an opening to talk rather than anything else as the other man did not seem intent on speaking with any immediacy. 

“I am just wondering at the need for it.” Mark said in the way of a reply.

Xiao Zhan tilted his head in question when Mark finally looked at him.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever been on a set where the CEO of the studio essentially camps out on grounds. Especially someone as busy as I imagine you are.” 

He had to admit, the man had balls. Yibo inspired all sorts of ballsy, or in his own case – batshit crazy - behavior. 

“Have you been on a lot of sets then?” he asked.

“I have. I have been on almost every set that Yibo has worked on.”

“Hmm… I must have missed you on the sets of the Untamed then. And this one, until today.”

Mark flushed. “I am no longer his makeup artist.” He said coldly. 

“It’s good not to confuse roles, I guess.” The words left Xiao Zhan’s mouth before he realized the folly of what he said.

“I agree.” Mark said pointedly. He couldn’t leave well enough alone though and added, “Look, he and I may not be together anymore…”

Xiao Zhan tilted his head at _this_ piece of information.

Mark didn’t notice as he continued, “but as someone who has been his closest friend for the past two years, I would like to ask you to leave him alone. It took him long enough to get over what you did to him. He is already committed to this project. If you come onto him, it’s putting him in an untenable position. You know he won’t back out of the project at this point simply to avoid you. But you also don’t have to go out of your way to make things hard for him.”

His throat felt like sandpaper and he had to clear it when he spoke again. “Did he say all that you?”

“Not in so many words. But seeing how he was in the restaurant and afterwards, I can fill in the gaps.”

He felt a coldness go through him as he thought of his actions from this perspective. He sounded like a predator of an employer intent of taking advantage of an unwilling employee. He felt sick in his stomach.

“And unless both of you happened to walk into the same wall at the exact same time…” Mark said, staring at his swollen lip, “at least some people will figure out what happened. And then what? You want people to say that he got this role by sleeping with the producer?” 

“You are crossing the line.” Xiao Zhan said now, his tone icy.

“No, I’m reminding _you_ to not cross it. He has no sense of self-preservation where you are concerned. You have always been his weakness. No matter how angry he is, he will give in if you put in some effort. And when you are done with this and go back to pretending you don’t know him or ignoring him or cutting him off or threatening him with a restraining order again, he won’t even allow me to pick up the pieces. You could destroy him completely.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” he asked, looking out the window, feeling his stomach clenching tightly and feeling his heart start to race.

“Because I can tell you are not entirely immune to him. You miss how fully devoted he can be… _to you_. And now that it’s gone, you miss how it made you feel and you want to get it back. But you don’t really care for it. And you can never give him what he needs from you. You have proven time and again that you could never love him like he loves you.”

He looked down at his wrist. 133, 135, 138, 142 

He closed his eyes and there he was. _Yibo in a pink hoodie standing by the door, barefoot, eyes possessive. Yibo sitting on the bureau, hooking his legs around his hips to pull him close. Yibo straddling his hips, licking his lips softly. Yibo leaving without saying a word._

His heart rate was a physical vibration thrusting against his ribcage painfully.

 _Yibo on the screen of his phone, telling him that they would never work out_. Drinking himself into oblivion, and then waking up to…

Day after day after night after night of fear. Locked in the bedroom back at his parents, curtains drawn. Disconnecting his phone, his internet. Forgetting to eat. Sleeping for what seemed like days. Then being awake for what seemed like years. Someone telling him after what seemed like eons that the pandemic was over. That he had to get out the house. Go back to Beijing. There were three shows waiting on him repairing his reputation with all due haste for their releases. Feeling sick to his stomach in the car going for that first interview, and then the second, smiling while tasting food for a charity event that felt like sawdust in his mouth, trying to hide his clenched fists under the table so the camera wouldn’t see, so the hosts wouldn’t see. Getting back into the car and breathing into a paper bag, feeling like he couldn’t draw enough air into his lungs. _How many more_? He had asked. Many _many_ more… Lisa had left it unsaid, but he had heard it just the same. 

_Zhan ge… it’s me again. I’m here whenever you want to talk_. 

The phone beeped, the hundredth or so of some variation of those texts that had been coming steadily for weeks, maybe months. 

_Please at least text me back to let me know that you are okay_. 

_I’m sorry. I was wrong. I’m sorry. I will spend my entire life making it up to you._

_Please, please text me back to let me know you’re okay._

And then he wasn’t just struggling to draw in air, he could feel his heart literally splintering in two like it had done that day. That day so long ago. But it felt like it had only been yesterday. 

“Xiao Zhan…” he felt someone call him as if from far away and focused on drawing a breath in and releasing one out. In and out. In and out. Slow and easy. _This was not a panic attack_. _He was not short on breaths_. His heart was just racing. He needed it to relax. He needed everything to relax. He had his Ativan if he needed it. He was ok. He was in his trailer. He could feel the wooden leg of his table in one hand. He could feel the soft linen of his pants underneath the other. He was grounded. He was not falling apart. He was merely taking a few deep breaths. 

“Xiao Zhan…” he heard the voice again and opened his eyes. 

He was going to tell Mark…

He squinted to make sure that his eyes were not deceiving him. It wasn’t. Mark wasn’t there anymore. 

It was Wang Yibo. And there was something vaguely like concern in his eyes as he bent over him, shaking his shoulder. 

xxx


	37. 21 Questions

The image of the Yibo in front of him blurred and then it was the old Yibo again. Following him around in his tiny kitchen. Scarfing down the food that he had made for him. Lying on top of him on the couch in his balcony. Sleeping on his bed with his body plastered against his side. In some sense, in his mind, those three weeks seemed like he had lived an entire lifetime. 

The image shifted again. And Yibo changed before his eyes to this older version. This one whose eyes were cautious and yet unable to fully hide the concern in them. 

He felt Yibo’s fingertips beneath his chin, tilting up his face slightly, and then light taps against his jawline.

“Snap out of it.” Yibo's voice was soft.

He grabbed onto Yibo’s hand and looked up, reorienting to time and space.

Yibo stilled and Xiao Zhan watched as the concern in the eyes slowly vanished and the caution took over fully. He noticed his hand in Xiao Zhan’s hold and pulled it back, although not unkindly. 

They stared at each other for a long moment before Xiao Zhan got up from where he was sitting, carefully. His limbs felt solid enough and he didn’t think he would fall over, but he didn’t attempt to walk. He leaned his hands against the table, keeping his gaze on Yibo.

“Where is Mark?” he asked, his voice sounding hoarse.

“He had to leave.” Yibo said.

And for a moment, Xiao Zhan was seized with the worry that…

“Was he here when…?” He didn’t know how to finish that question. He didn’t want to acknowledge out loud what had happened to him especially when he didn’t even know what he had looked like to Mark and Yibo.

Yibo shook his head. “He thinks you just tuned him out. And he was about to leave when I got here.”

“Why did you come?” he asked. It couldn’t have been for any good reason. 

“I saw him walking this way during my last take.” He paused, looked away, and then looked back. “Whatever he said to you, he means well.”

“I’m surprised you’re not together anymore. He seems to care about you a great deal.” 

He only realized that came out the wrong way when he saw a shadow of pain pass over Yibo’s face and his expression closed off.

“I apologize for crossing the line before and making you uncomfortable. It won’t happen again.” He said before Yibo could walk away.

Yibo didn’t answer, but turned away.

And suddenly it seemed imperative that they talk more while Yibo was still willingly here with him, alone. 

“Yibo…” he called out when Yibo had taken a few steps.

He thought Yibo would keep walking, but he stopped.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts.

“There is a lot I have to apologize for…” he stopped. Yibo didn’t turn around, but he didn’t walk away either.

“And there are a lot of things that happened then that I… regret.” 

Yibo still didn’t turn around. 

He wanted to move closer, but he was afraid of both scaring Yibo off and not being able to keep his hands to himself.

“I know nothing I say now will make up for it. But… I wish… I hope. That we can start over from a clean slate.”

There was a long moment when Yibo didn’t say anything. Just as he was about to take a step forward, Yibo turned around and Xiao Zhan stopped himself, staying behind his table.

“We both made mistakes. It was a different life. Nothing from it remains now.” There was a sort of resignation in Yibo’s voice that made his chest hurt. But he was right, this was a different life. With nothing remaining here from before. Nothing that had any future anyways.

He looked down and saw the reading on his wrist by chance. 82. 80. 77.

Without looking back up, he dared to ask, softly. “How have you been?”

He expected something pithy or acerbic in response, that is if Yibo deigned to answer at all. 

But when he looked up, Yibo shrugged. “As well as could be, I guess.”

And then Xiao Zhan wondered how unwell he must have seemed earlier for Yibo to be this way now. 

“Yibo, when you saw me before…” he started. 

Yibo tilted his head in question.

“How did you know that I hadn’t just tuned Mark out?”

Yibo didn’t answer, but asked, “Does that happen often?” 

He shook his head, “What did it seem like to you?”

“Like you weren’t all here.” 

_Okay._

He looked down, hoping that Yibo wouldn’t ask more.

“How have you been?” he heard Yibo ask and looked up in surprise.

There was no prying in his eyes now; he was trying to wipe the slate clean.

“As well as can be…” Xiao Zhan answered, attempting a smile.

Yibo returned a half-smile as well, his eyes a bit sad. 

And just like that, Xiao Zhan felt himself fall in love with Wang Yibo all over again.

xxxx

Something about whatever Yibo saw that day in his trailer - and it hurt him almost physically that he couldn’t figure out exactly what he had looked like to Yibo - changed Yibo’s entire demeanor towards him. While he wasn’t the old Yibo, not by a long shot, he returned greetings with a smile and no longer actively avoided Xiao Zhan. It was enough that Xiao Zhan felt comfortable enough to walk around the sets on occasion when he visited rather than just staying in his trailer. He did have a business to run, as Lisa reminded him time and again, and at least three or four days a week he had to be in Beijing or fly out of the country. Nevertheless, any 24-hour period he could manage together, he returned to the set. He was there so much that Yimou jokingly asked if he should cast him as an extra. 

Darren often pulled him into conversations whenever he happened to see him. On one such occasion he pulled him down to where he was lounging between takes, pulling up a chair on his left. Yibo was on Darren’s right, eyes closed and airpods plugged in, asleep for all he knew. 

His attention was called back to Darren when he announced that he had spent the previous week watching everything that Xiao Zhan had ever starred in. 

This was quite the surprise. In the grand scheme of things, his acting career had been relatively short. And nothing that achieved quite the fame that Untamed had. 

“You guys were quite the pair, huh?” he teased, pulling up an old picture of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wanji from the Untamed on his phone to show him. It was the picture of Lan Wanji holding Wei Wuxian after he had fainted during the golden core scene. 

Darren poked Yibo’s leg with his feet and when Yibo lifted his head, he showed him the phone too.

Xiao Zhan saw Yibo look at the picture, first with a strange expression, and then with a smile at Darren. He noticed then that Xiao Zhan was sitting on the other side of Darren and propped himself up, pulling his airpods out. He didn’t know if it was formality or discomfort, but saw Yibo nod in his direction in acknowledgment. 

“I have seen one or two behind the scene videos of the Untamed and you guys were way more chill back in the day. Especially this guy.” Darren leaned over to poke Yibo in the ribs, making Yibo round his back. 

“So tell me Yibo. How was this guy? Was he always this nice?” Darren leaned over to ask Yibo, loud enough that Xiao Zhan could still hear.

He looked down at his phone and trained his ear for what Yibo would say.

“Mnh.” Yibo agreed noncommittally.

“Your chemistry was some kind of spectacular. I was quite impressed.” Darren said now, looking back at the phone.

“Mnh.” Yibo said again, putting his head back against the chair. Xiao Zhan looked over to see that Yibo was now carefully not looking in his direction.

“Why didn’t you guys keep in touch? It seemed like you had become good friends on set.”

He held his breath and listened for Yibo’s response.

He thought Yibo wouldn’t answer, but then heard him shift and looked up. Yibo was now sitting up properly, glaring at Darren. Darren raised an eyebrow.

“You are all kinds of nosy, you know that?” Yibo said, knocking a knuckle against Darren’s forehead.

Darren smiled in mischief. “I’m just saying. How does one go from this to this?” he said now, pointing first at his phone and then with his index fingers in either direction. 

“You’re a menace.” Xiao Zhan told Darren, shaking his head.

“So something did happen.” Darren said next, not intent on giving up.

“Nothing happened. I left the industry and got busy and then the years took their toll. That’s all. We are still good friends.”

“Is that right?” Darren lifted an eyebrow, looking in Yibo’s direction.

Xiao Zhan saw Yibo look his way briefly before he nodded at Darren.

“Then where is Xiao Zhan’s hometown?” he asked Yibo.

Yibo rolled his eyes. “Chongquin.”

Darren looked in the other direction next. “When is Wang Yibo’s birthday?”

It was Xiao Zhan’s turn to shake his head. “August 5, 1997”

“You are a Leo? I would have never guessed!” Darren turned in surprise in Yibo’s direction.

“What do you mean? He is a quintessential Leo. Poster child.” Xiao Zhan interjected before he thought to stop himself.

Darren raised an eyebrow and looked at Yibo to see his response. Xiao Zhan thought there was the hint of a smirk on Yibo’s face, but it was gone in a flash.

“If you are a Leo, then Xiao Zhan is a?”

“Libra. I’m not playing this game anymore.” Yibo said, putting one airpod back in.

“Where did he go to university?” Darren plowed on as if Yibo hadn’t just aired his disclination.

“CTBU” Yibo put his other airpod back in.

“What group was Yibo part of when he was in his teens?” 

“UNIQ. Darren, this is like Wikipedia information. What does this prove?” 

“But, it’s oooold Wikipedia information. How do you guys even remember this stuff?” 

“Why, don’t you remember anything about your costars?” Xiao Zhan asked now. 

“Some stuff. Not all of it.”

“There’s a lot about Yibo that I don’t know.” He said now. Even though his airpods were in, he saw Yibo become still.

“Oh, like what?” 

This was not a line of questioning that he wanted to share with a witness, and so he said instead, “Oh, like how he feels about having to make out with you with a hundred people watching.” He raised both eyebrows and wiggled them at Darren.

Darren guffawed and looked at Yibo’s face. Yibo’s lips were pursed as if he was trying not to smile.

“Oh, I know he just can’t wait until I stick my tongue down his throat. He is dreaming of it every day!”

And this time, Yibo opened his eyes and swatted at Darren’s arm, laughing openly.

Xiao Zhan caught Yibo’s eyes for a moment and thought he would stop laughing. He did, but only so that the laugh became a smile. A genuine one that reminded him of the old Yibo.

And he smiled back, feeling lighter than he had in years.

xxxx


	38. Staking A Claim

“Why do you want me to practice lines with you? Where is Yibo?” he asked, looking up from his laptop.

“I’m trying to spend some time with you, man.” Darren smiled widely as he closed the door to the trailer behind him and came in.

“Why?” he asked.

That seemed to take Darren back. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I am curious about how you were ever able to play Wei Wuxian.”

“Why?” he asked again, leaning back in his chair, folding his arms.

“Because you seem so different from him.” Darren took the seat opposite him, lounging back now, flipping the script in his hand absently.

“I _am_ different from him.” He agreed.

“But you seemed so mischievous and playful back then.”

“Did I?” Xiao Zhan smiled, leaning forward to look at his laptop again, hoping that that counted as a subtle dismissal.

“Even Yibo. Always following you around and fighting with you. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he had a crush on you.”

Xiao Zhan kept his gaze on the computer, but smiled. “You have it backwards. Everyone had a crush on him.”

“Including you?” he asked, smiling wide enough to show his dimples.

“Of course. I was his number one fan.”

It was a vague enough answer that Darren could take it any which way he wanted. “You didn’t answer my question though. Where’s Yibo? Why are you looking for me to run lines with you?”

“Wang Han is on the set. It’s causing quite the commotion among some of the staff. Yibo and Han ge have a bit of a crowd around them.”

Wang Han and Day Day Up had only gained in popularity over the years and Yibo was close with all the original hosts even though he had left the show two years back once his acting career had really taken off.

“He attracts GeGes like moth to flame. I’m super jealous.” Darren said now, his eyes crinkling impishly.

“Why? You want to collect some GeGes too?”

“Not really. I only want one GeGe.” He leaned forward and winked now.

“You’re the biggest flirt that I have ever met in my life.” Xiao Zhan remarked in good humor.

“Is it working?” he asked, flashing that dimpled smile again.

Xiao Zhan smiled back. “Working for what?” he folded his hands and leaned on them, looking directly at Darren.

And for the first time since he met him, Xiao Zhan saw Darren flush, his smile dimming somewhat.

“You can be shy too? Will wonders never cease?” he asked, tilting his head.

This seemed to snap Darren out of his momentary lapse and his eyes flashed and his smile beamed as he leaned forward again. “Xiao Zhan. You should know something about me.”

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow.

“I am highly invested in signposts that read, _Difficult. Do Not Attempt._ ” Darren paused to give Xiao Zhan a once-over before adding, “For all that you are the nicest, most polite human being that I’ve ever met, that’s just a mask for hiding everything underneath.”

“Oh?” Xiao Zhan asked, curious to see where this was going.

Darren nodded. “You’re thrumming with all this energy. It’s right under all that gloriously tanned skin of yours. It’s in the curve of your back, as if all that coiled energy is climbing into your spine and you have to bend it just a bit so the world doesn’t see its restlessness. It’s in the way you walk, relaxed and assured as if by design. Barely containing something inside by a hair’s breadth.”

He leaned closer now, holding his gaze steady. “And those lovely eyes with that sweep of lashes. I saw what they looked like in the Untamed. That’s all gone now. Only the shape is the same. This energy is all different. Unruffled. Knowing. And those lips. With that sinful mole. God, you are still quite a beautiful man. But you know what’s different?”

To say that he had been unprepared for such a detailed thesis on him would have been an understatement. But he wanted to know what else this surprisingly observant tall bundle of dimples had picked up on.

He tilted his head to ask Darren to continue.

“One simple comment about your good looks used to make you blush and turn away. But look at you now. Still looking me in the eye, waiting for me to finish. Not intimidated in the least that I’m coming on this strong.”

“Should I be?”

Darren smiled. “Fuck no. It’s a turn-on. I know you’re not interested. _Yet_. But I’m hard to turn down once I put my mind to it.”

“I bet.” He smiled again, resting his chin on his hand.

“You don’t think I will succeed, do you?” Darren asked, picking his script back up.

Xiao Zhan shrugged. Ego was a fragile thing. He was not about to crush Darren’s with an insensitive comment, nor was he going to incite his ardor further by making it seem like he was entirely impervious to his efforts at… whatever this was. 

“How long do you have to live to get this kind of nonchalance?” Darren asked now, smiling genuinely. 

“What kind?” he asked, smiling back.

“I would expect you to be insanely flattered, I mean, look at me…”

Xiao Zhan lifted an eyebrow and gestured as if to say, _Clearly_.

“…or insanely annoyed, because after all, I just said, “look at me” as if I'm some magical being.”

Xiao Zhan laughed. “I’m glad you’re this self-aware.”

Darren laughed too. He stood up, no longer returning to the questions from before. But before he opened the trailer door, he turned back. “He’s lucky you can only see him.”

This time he wasn’t smiling when he looked in Darren’s direction. 

“Ah, so I’m right. It was only a lucky guess before.”

Xiao Zhan said nothing in answer, but didn’t look away either.

“As long as he doesn’t reciprocate, you’re fair game. You know what they say, _One man’s loss is another man’s gain_. And if Yibo doesn’t know what he has for the taking, what with all the GeGes coming for his pretty ass, you can’t blame me for staking a claim to it.”

xxxx


	39. An Experiment

“You know, there is an incredible amount of pornographic literature about you.” He heard Darren remark casually and looked over. He was scrolling through his phone.

“I mean… the scope and breadth of all the incredible things fujoshis have fantasized about you is… breathtaking. All the positions, all the kinks, all the toys, aaaaall the GeGes.”

“Why are you reading that shit?” he asked. He didn’t have the most pleasant memories associated with fanfictions. 

“It’s highly entertaining.” Darren remarked. “Like this one. This is about you and me.”

Yibo narrowed his eyes and leaned over to look at the phone.

“We have never even properly spoken to each before this project.”

“Yea, but what does that matter? Fanfictions are about imaginations. And by the way that you are described here…” he paused and looked over. “Are there nudes of you on the internet?” 

“What? Of course not.” 

“By the way they describe your…” one eyebrow went up. “I mean it’s as if they have picture proof that you are packing some serious heat in those pants of yours.”

“How are you so ridiculous?” Yibo asked, looking over and pulling off his sunglasses. He was amused though.

“And why are you such a prude?”

“I’m not a prude. I just don’t go about blabbering about my business to everyone like you do.”

“Oh, you think I blabber?”

“All the fucking time.” 

“It’s called being friendly, Mr. Imma-stay-in-my-royal-corner-and-let-my-subjects-greet-me.”

“What? Just because I don’t go around flirting with everything that moves doesn’t mean…”

Yibo didn’t finish before Darren interjected, “Flirting or no flirting, you definitely have a stick up your ass.” 

“If I had a stick up my ass, I would not be indulging you in this stupid conversation.”

“Of course you would. I am the only one here you can talk to like this. With everyone else, you play up the didi card to the max. After all, there is a reason all the GeGes worship your ass.”

“Which GeGe? If you are talking about Yimou, he is old enough to be my grandfather.”

“The GeGe from props, the GeGe from lighting. The GeGe who delivered our takeout yesterday.”

Yibo laughed. “You’re so full of shit!”

“You know, technically, I’m your GeGe too.” Darren leaned over to whisper.

Yibo looked over at him, an eyebrow raised. “But you definitely act like my didi. And a very annoying one at that.”

Darren smiled that huge dimpled smile of his and Yibo smiled back. “But quite adorable.”

“Aye… I’m even breaking you down and you are a tough piece of work. So how come he’s so immune to my charms?”

“Who?” Yibo asked, putting his sunglasses back on.

“First, I thought it was just a power trip. I mean, there’s some exhilaration in fucking power, you know… and he definitely ticks that box.” Darren mused, ignoring Yibo’s question. 

“Then I thought it was his particular brand of self-assurance. There is no arrogance there, because what’s the need for it? He knows what he controls and what he owns and there’s no need to show it off.”

A pause.

“And then… and this might be the cincher for me. I’ve been hitting on him for a solid month and other than sweetly indulging me, there’s been nothing else. I mean, look at these dimples. How can you say no to these?” He turned in Yibo’s direction and smiled his best smile and Yibo thought it was indeed the cutest dimples God had created yet. 

“I think I may be wearing him down though.” He said after a moment, lying back in his own chair.

When he didn’t continue, Yibo softly prodded, “Oh?”

“This shoot is going to finish in another four weeks. That’s not much time left. I mean, ordinarily that would be three weeks and six days more than what I would need, but this one, this is the longest period of work I have had to invest in seducing anyone.”

There was a slight intake of breath and then a careful exhalation. When Darren remained quiet, Yibo closed his eyes and asked, “But you’re close… to wearing him down?”

“Well… the last time I was in his trailer, I figured, it was time to go big or go home.”

When Darren didn’t continue, Yibo thought he would finally snap and lean over to slap the entire story out of his teasing mouth.

But he held his tongue and waited. And waited. And then couldn’t wait more and asked, “And…?”

“Well, I kissed him.”

He didn’t realize that both his fists had clenched up until he felt his AirPod dig into his palm.

“And?” he asked, trying his hardest to keep still.

“Well, he didn’t pull away, which had been a definite possibility. Because you know, with how he is, you never know.”

“Yibo and Darren, you are up. Take off those robes, guys.” The production assistant came out to cue them.

“Fuck, you up for this?” Darren turned fully in Yibo’s direction, abandoning the story midway. “Maybe we should have practiced. How long has it been since you’ve kissed anyone? Do I need to warm you up? If I get a hard-on, just ignore it, okay? I enjoy kissing a lot, and usually that’s the side effect. Are you going to be this stiff on camera? You gotta work with me, okay? Even if I am the one coming on to you, you at least gotta make it seem like you’re enjoying it. Otherwise, we’re going to be at this all day and you know, with make out shots, the quality definitely deteriorates the longer the shoot goes on and then it’s…”

Darren stopped mid-sentence when Yibo got up from his chair and pulled off his robe.

He didn’t speak until Yibo finally turned in his direction. 

  
“Hmm… the GeGes are onto something, I see.”

Yibo tilted his head.

“Damn, you’re like a marble statue, Yibo…” Darren said quietly, for once, no affectations in his voice.

It took a whole minute and the production assistant calling out cues again for Darren to snap out of it. And then he got up and took off his robe. He was more on the lanky side, but with a sensual bend to his entire frame. 

“Are all those abs real?” Darren asked as they walked into the room where they would be shooting the iconic scene. Yimou had wanted a more natural and raw take on the whole proceedings, as if the world was prying into a first-time experience that the lovers were trying to hide even from themselves.

“No, I painted them on this morning.” Yibo answered.

It took Darren a moment to absorb what he said. “Oh, a fine time to discover you have a sense of humor.”

And then Darren was chattering endlessly, which he tended to do when he was nervous. He chattered endlessly even when he wasn’t, but Yibo knew the tone was slightly different when he felt on edge. He was doing so now and Yibo reached over to take his hand and give it a light squeeze. Darren paused in whatever he was saying and looked over in surprise. Yibo nodded to him in reassurance and Darren closed his eyes and did a quick exhale before saying, “Alright, let’s do this!”

The first take went about as well as expected, what with the initial awkwardness of lips meeting, the discomposure at the first drag of skin on skin, trying to get each other’s movements in sync. The second take was marginally better. At the start of the third take, Yibo pulled Darren close to him by the back of his head, his fingers climbing into his hair and whispered, “Relax… I thought you said you were a master at seduction. So, seduce me.”

Darren leaned into him to whisper back, “I don’t even think you can be seduced.” 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t know. Just a feeling.”

“Did it work on him?” he asked, unable to help it.

Darren murmured “hmm…” his breath tickling Yibo’s ears.

“I don’t know… he stood still for the whole five seconds that I kissed him; didn’t push me away or pull me closer.”

“What’s with all the whispering? Are you guys warming each other up? Because we can do a practice round again before the next take.” He heard the director call out.

“Thank you.” He nodded in that direction before looking back at Darren again.

“What happened afterwards?” he asked, quietly.

“Hmm… he asked me if I got the answer that I was looking for.” 

Darren pulled back to look at him, watching his eyes. They were unsure now and he remembered feeling that way once upon a time. Not knowing how far he could push his luck. And then he had pushed it all the way and had not known what to do with the heaven that he found at the end. If he had thought his feelings were involved before, he had not been ready for how deeply he fell during those three weeks. It had seemed too good to be true. And he had been afraid that he was the only one suffering the maladies of love. He had felt too much and before something broke it all, he had left himself. And then, during the year that followed, when Xiao Zhan had refused to forgive him, he had been proven right. He couldn’t imagine never being able to forgive Xiao Zhan for anything he did to him. But for that one mistake that he had made in a moment of vulnerability, Xiao Zhan had cut him off forever. It had been an affront to his pride – not his heart – to be left like that by the kid who had followed him around. Because if the heart had been involved, it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. 

Looking at Darren now, he felt pity. Falling for Xiao Zhan was asking for heartache. And this boy, for all that he was two years older, was open and honest in a way that reminded him of a long time ago.

“Come here…” he whispered and pressed his lips against Darren’s. For a moment, Darren didn’t move at all, just accepting his touch. Yibo closed his eyes and moved his lips slightly, getting a feel for the softness. It had been a long time since he had done anything like this with anyone. And then, as if jolted into awareness, Darren was moving, his arms snaking around his back and pulling him up against him, his lips prying his mouth open. For all the eagerness to Darren’s movements, Yibo felt a sort of unfurling creep up his spine. To be held like this, to be wanted like this, all without feeling his heart twist into pieces, why didn’t he do this more often? 

He arched his neck when Darren’s lips started trailing kisses down his jawline. He must have sighed because he heard Darren pause and then whisper, “I must be doing this wrong, because I’m getting turned on and you are unwinding.” 

He smirked and pulled back, running his hand down Darren’s back, feeling the muscles flex in a wave at his touch.

Darren wasn’t one to be upstaged in this manner and his grip around Yibo’s waist tightened as he crushed their lips together in the urgency the scene demanded.

He was a good kisser, Yibo had to admit. But he imagined that they would have to shoot this at least five more times to get the angles correct because after all that’s all that mattered in a two-dimensional medium. 

By the seventh take, they had basically gotten into a rhythm and, contrary to what Darren had predicted, practice had indeed made it better, each take improving on the previous one as their physical comfort reached a steady pitch that allowed them to kiss and touch with ease. At the end of nine takes, Darren had only gotten hard twice, which he proclaimed a miracle. And he took it as a personal affront that Yibo suffered from no such effects. 

“Don’t take it personally. I’m just finicky like that.” Yibo winked, the smirk that he tried to hide coming through regardless. Although it was true. It wasn’t easy to turn him on. And he certainly couldn’t achieve something like that in front of a whole set of cameras and crew.

And thusly assured was his thinking that it hit him like a two-ton truck when during the tenth take, Darren whispered in his ear, “I wonder if you’ll get turned on if you imagine that it’s him.” 

Yibo pushed at his arms almost in reflex but Darren seemed to have anticipated it because he pulled him up even tighter, their bodies plastered against each other from chest to knee.

“Imagine it’s him touching you, looking at you with those intense eyes of his, sucking on your skin with those sexy lips of his, holding you down, taking you in his hands, sliding inside you…”

“ _Stop_.” He managed to get out, his voice a hoarse whisper.

But it was already too late. He could feel his erection pressing against Darren’s thighs. So could Darren. 

“Fuck, you do want him, don’t you?” he whispered back.

xxxxxxxx


	40. Catalyst

The shoot had been long and exhausting and Yibo had gone back to his hotel room to wipe off all the glistening products that they had rubbed all over him to make his skin look luminescent on camera. When he came out of the shower, rubbing his scalp vigorously with a towel, there was a knock on the door. He rolled his eyes. This could only be one person, really. Shameless asshole that he was after the stunt that he had pulled during their last take. Fortunately, when they had called cut after the take, Darren himself had yelled out for their robes, giggling for extra effect at the assistants who ran over. The commotion had been enough for his hard-on to flag rather quickly, but that didn’t mean he was going to forgive him anytime soon.

He opened the door to find Darren outside, now in ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, his hair freshly showered as well, falling every which way. He smiled widely and for a moment, Yibo was transported back to eight years ago, watching an even prettier smile light up the entire fucking galaxy. He closed his eyes and shook his head, the image of Wei Wuxian blurring and then fading away.

“Let’s go out tonight.” Darren said, walking in, as if he had forgotten entirely that Yibo was presently not on talking terms with him.

It was a Friday night and they had one day off from the shoot the day after. But he was exhausted. And not keen on exploring the nightlife options of the city.

“I’m not going anywhere. And certainly not with you.” Yibo said, closing the door. “You’re lucky I’m not kicking you out of my room.”

Darren raised an eyebrow as if this possibility had not even occurred to him.

“Listen my sexually repressed friend who has the hots for the same dude that I do…”

“How do you not hear the words that come out of your mouth?” Yibo said, shaking his head. Even though he was used to Darren’s bluntness by now, his eagerness for jumping into all that would be taboo for normal folks was jarring at times. 

“Why? Just because I don’t acknowledge it, does it mean it stops existing?” Darren asked, rolling his eyes.

“I’m just saying, I have spent too much time and effort on Mr. Sexy Lips to give up without a fight. But I adore your marble-statue-ass to pieces. So, this has put me in quite the sexual quandary.”

“Darren, there is no quandary. It wasn’t the topic of… _him_ … that made me get a hard-on, ok? It must have been a delayed reaction to all the kissing and touching. As you said, you are a hot piece of ass. I’m sure it just took a bit of time for my head and body to get with the program.”

Darren rolled his eyes again. “Wang Yibo. Honesty is the best policy. You should try it sometime. It’s surprisingly liberating.”

Yibo didn’t dignify that with a response.

“Besides, we are both the same kind of hot to be attracted to each other. We need a different kind of sexy to complement us, no?” he asked, falling back on the bed.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” Yibo walked to the closet to pull on a pair of jeans over his boxer briefs. 

“I knew you wouldn’t want to talk about this. So, that’s why we are going out. I heard there’s an entire street of clubs and lounges here that cater to… _everything_.” he tilted his head and winked as if his euphemism required gestural accompaniment.

“Darren, I’m tired. I’m grabbing some quick dinner and passing out.” He pulled on a plain white t-shirt and closed the closet door.

Before he turned around, he felt Darren’s arms snake around his waist from behind.

It had taken Yibo some time to get used to how handsy Darren could be, although now it didn’t bother him. 

“Pretty please.” Darren said, dropping a kiss against his earlobe. It tickled and Yibo pulled his head back. 

“Your charms don’t work on me.” He told him, although he didn’t try to get out of his hold. Touch was like a life force to Darren and he was most handsy when he was needy. Yibo didn’t have it in him to deny him that. 

“I know, son. If I thought you were in danger of falling for me, would I unleash all of this on you. Your poor heart wouldn’t survive.” 

Yibo smiled in spite of himself. It was hard to stay mad at someone like Darren. He existed on a plane entirely unto himself.

“I dread the poor soul who does end up falling for you.” He said now.

“See, I’m still hoping that’s a certain Xiao Zhan. But you’re stiff competition, my friend. So, let’s go drink and twerk and get all the rivalry out of our system.”

He pulled off Darren’s hands from around him. “I do not twerk.” He said, ignoring the rest of what Darren said.

“Oh yes you do. You twerk and you do body rolls and you hump the floor and you lift up your shirt and hold it between your teeth to give the world a glimpse of what they can jack off to that night.” Darren pulled him back to lift up his shirt and run one hand down the row of abs. 

“Fuck, they are hard as hell too. Shit, why _couldn’t_ I be attracted to you?” he asked, distracted for a moment.

“Why? You think I’m that easy to get in bed?” Yibo asked, amused now, as he pulled off Darren’s arms again and starting to walk away.

“No, but you’re probably easier than him.” Darren remarked absently, but then seemed to think of something and pulled Yibo back to him by his belt. “How is he in bed?”

“Fuck you.” Yibo said now, pushing him away.

Darren didn’t seem to care about the cursing, raising an eyebrow. “That good, huh? Makes sense.”

“If you keep talking, I’m going to rethink this entire plan you’ve cooked up for the night.”

“So, you’re down?” Darren asked, smiling widely now. “I knew it. You’re a big-ass softie inside that ice prince shell of yours.”

“Hardly.” Yibo muttered walking away.

“I love you Wang Yibo.” Darren called out and Yibo yelled back, “Yea yea. Let’s go.” 

xxx

They did end up getting something to eat at the hotel’s restaurant before heading out, piling into the same car with their bodyguards and going to some lounge – the sort of establishment that valued, above all else, the discretion of its clientele that had the means to afford it – that Darren had evidently been to before. Of course he had. He didn’t think there was anything in the world that Darren hadn’t tried. 

He had not been out in a long while; he had only started to even explore what night life looked like when he had been dating Mark and even then, it had only been at Mark’s insistence and only if they traveled out of China. He couldn’t say that he disliked such places, the music and the dancing certainly had its appeal if he was in the mood. The crowd, if they didn’t know him, he appreciated a great deal as it offered the sort of anonymity that nothing else could. But he was too much of a homebody to willingly subject himself to the masses on a regular basis as a means of enjoyment. 

They were whisked inside through the VIP entrance, something that Darren handled, and Yibo was glad to notice that it was not an enormous place. It was dark with many booths and nooks and crannies – clearly set up for those desiring privacy in the midst of whatever happened here – but otherwise, there was a rather spacious lounge area with an attached bar and a somewhat smaller area for those requiring a more kinesthetic outlet with a DJ taking up space at its side. There were enough people already there to be able to blend in, but it was not lit up enough to make out individual faces without being in close proximity to whomever you were with. The lights were sconces jutting out between each of the booths, but the booths themselves were covered by thick midnight velvet curtains that likely diminished the sounds of whatever was going on inside as well.

“You want a drink?” Darren asked. 

Yes, indeed. He planned to get drunk as fuck to enjoy this.

He nodded and they headed to the bar. Darren pointed out a few people Yibo recognized from various events that he had been to, but none that he personally knew. 

“You can go make the rounds. I’ll be fine.” He told Darren as he took a sip of his gin and tonic.

“And leave your pretty ass alone? Hell no!” 

“Seriously, I don’t mind camping out here. It’s dark enough and quiet enough.” 

“Alright, I’ll be right back. That woman way over there was my co-star two dramas back.” He said, pointing to someone that Yibo couldn’t see at the other end of the room.

“Take your time.” Yibo said, leaning back against the wall at his back, feeling the alcohol burn its way down his throat. The bartenders were generous here.

Even though his corner had been empty when he sat down, people started to fill up the space quickly before long and he turned around to give his back to the room. There was a small group of women who looked like they were in the 20s who took several seats next to him, ordering fancy martinis and chattering amongst themselves. He liked that they were there as they were busy chatting between themselves and essentially served as a shield between him and the rest of the room. He scrolled through the newsfeed on his phone and sipped on his drink, tuning the women out until something they said caught his attention.

“Zhan Group? Really? Are you sure he is here?” 

“That’s what my agent said. He is in one of the booths.”

“There is no way. Is he with someone?” 

“Probably. Why would he be alone?” 

“Who is he dating?”

“I think it was some heiress or something, the last I heard. It can’t be anything serious. It’s always casual with him. I’ve never heard of him being serious with anyone.”

“He’s hardly a playboy.”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just saying, I don’t think there’s been anyone mentioned who he’s been serious with.”

“What is he doing here anyways?”

“That movie with Darren Chen and Wang Yibo is his production.”

“Hot damn… That’s almost too much hotness to have on one screen.” 

Yibo turned farther against the wall at this point, giving them his back completely.

“You think they’ll kiss?”

“I’m pretty sure I heard that they’re going to do more than that.”

“Damn, if Xiao Zhan swung that way, that’s two major hotties he gets to play with.”

“That makes him seem skeevy. And why would he need to do that anyways? Have you seen him? He’s sexy as hell.”

“In a GQ sort of way.”

“As opposed to what?”

“Yibo. He was a rapper in his previous life. Have you seen him hump the floor? Lift up that shirt of his? He is so raw… and just a leeeettle dirty…”

He was pretty sure he choked on his drink at that point, although he managed to cover it with a cough.

“In your imagination, you mean.”

“Well, yea, I mean, I don’t think he’s into women.”

“I’m not sure he is into men either. When was the last time you heard that he was dating anyone?”

“Well, when you’re that hot, you’ll pretty much have to date yourself.”

“I would pay money to see him do Darren, though. He is too pretty for words.”

“That he is. With those dimples of his.”

“Well, they can do each other. I’ll take Xiao Zhan any day. The man can work a suit like nobody else.”

“Fuck, speak of the devil!” one of the women whispered, hushing the others.

“Fuck, he _is_ here.” 

Yibo fought the urge to turn around and look.

“That’s Darren Chen with him. Damn, damn, they’re coming this way. Play it cool, play it cool.” The women moved his way, presumably to make room for the two men coming this way.

He arched his back a bit so that they wouldn’t fully bump into him, but then felt them move as a taller shadow moved in. 

“Hello ladies. How goes it?” he heard Darren’s voice and finally turned away from the wall to look at the group that he had been unintentionally eavesdropping on for the past few minutes.

The women had moved down farther from him and in between them and him stood Darren and Xiao Zhan. He was glad that Darren was the one immediately to his right. Xiao Zhan was on the other side of him, ordering a drink.

“Sorry it took so long. But I stumbled into the object of our mutual affections on the way here and brought him along. Let the best man win.” Darren whispered in his ear, taking the drink from his hand to take a sip.

“Shit, this is strong.” he said afterwards, holding the drink against his neck. It was starting to get warm in the place. Or maybe it was the alcohol. 

“He’s all yours. But the drink is mine.” Yibo said as he took the drink back.

Darren smiled and turned to watch as the women surrounded Xiao Zhan. Yibo looked as well. Xiao Zhan was in a suit and looked like he had just gotten out of a meeting. He had not been on the set for almost a whole week, not that he had been counting or anything.

“Maybe we can share him.” Darren leaned over to whisper in his ear now.

“He doesn’t share.” Yibo answered before he thought better of it.

“Oh?” Darren turned in his direction, an eyebrow raised in interest.

Yibo sighed and put his empty glass down. The alcohol had loosened him up enough that the dance floor was starting to look appealing. Besides, this seemed like a Xiao Zhan competition ground and he was not even in the running. 

“Stay and give the girls a good fight. I’m going to see if this DJ is going to play anything interesting.”

“Yibo” Darren called out, but he didn’t wait to answer as he stepped off the barstool and made his way through the throng of people onto the dancefloor, which thankfully was generously crowded by now, not to mention scantily lit, allowing him some freedom to get out the restlessness that had been thrumming through his body the entire day. 

The first song wasn’t entirely his style, but he still moved to its rhythm, letting his body get used to moving this way. He still danced on occasion, but not as often as he used to. But the body rolls, oh yea, those were like a muscle memory. All he needed was the right rhythm for his body to remember. By the time the DJ arrived at old school rap and reggaeton, he had downed his second gin and tonic and his body was moving with no assistance from his head. Four songs in, by the time J Balvin’s Mi Gente came on, Darren had joined him and they had started to draw a small crowd. It spoke to how drunk he was that when he felt Darren pull him back and slip his hand under his shirt, Yibo didn’t think to stop him. It was Darren. It was like being touched by one of his UNIQ hyungs. Except halfway through, one of the spotlights that had been rolling across the floor lit up one of the booths that was in his direct line of vision. The curtain was pulled back and inside was Xiao Zhan, still in that damned suit of his, collar and another button loosened, legs crossed, a drink in one hand, watching. 

Yibo blamed the alcohol for holding his gaze as he continued to move, his lips parting, the muscles of his belly rising and falling inch by inch in a wave, drawing a gasp from a few who stood around him, the white shirt he wore now sticking to him and transparent from his sweat. 

“Are you seducing him or is this free promo for our movie?” Darren whispered in his ear from the back. 

“He can’t be seduced. You said so yourself.” He whispered, still holding the gaze of the man in the booth.

“The jury is not out on that yet.” 

The song ended and blessedly the roaming lights turned off and the spectators moved on. Yibo closed his eyes, felt the world spin just a bit, and sank back against Darren’s body. 

“Are you drunk?” Darren asked, holding him up.

“I’m alright. Let’s go find somewhere to sit for a moment.” He said, turning around to put his head against Darren’s shoulder. 

He was out of it by the time Darren sat him down and he heard Darren say something about getting a glass of water. 

He thought he slept for a few minutes and when he woke up, he was lying against Darren’s shoulder. Except, he smelled different. Felt different. He lifted his head to look. His face was different too. This was the face that had not left his dreams or waking consciousness for more than eight years.

“You want some water?” he spoke in Xiao Zhan’s voice too.

“Where’s Darren?” Yibo asked, holding his head with his hands.

“He was here until a moment ago. Went to greet some friends who just arrived. Do you want me to get him?” 

Yibo took a drink of the water from the glass in front of him. His throat felt hoarse. “Why? Are you afraid of being alone with me?”

He heard a laugh and looked behind to find Xiao Zhan raising an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

“Why would I be afraid of being alone with you?” he asked, sinking back against the seat, making no move to move away.

“What if I pull my caveman shit again?” Xiao Zhan’s tone was all that was calm.

Yibo thought he scoffed. “Please, the last I heard, you are too busy kissing other people. Not to mention, you can’t walk four feet without being accosted by men and women alike who are oh so horny for your looks and your money.”

“You know Yibo, if I didn’t know better, I would think you were jealous.”

He wanted to blame it on the alcohol, but knew the alcohol just made him not care that he was spilling all the shit that he kept inside.

“Why the fuck would I be jealous?” his voice was irate and maybe a bit slurred.

“You tell me.” Was all the answer he got.

“Fuck you. Why should I be jealous when you have no such feelings yourself.”

He saw Xiao Zhan rear back in surprise. “Are you forgetting the circumstances under which you called me a caveman?”

“That was different. You were just upset it was someone you knew.”

“How is that different?”

“It just is. Stop hurting my head.”

“Sorry.” Xiao Zhan said and stopped. 

After a few moments, he said, “I’ll get Darren for you.” And started to get up.

Yibo pulled him back by his hand. “Why do you always walk away from me?” 

Xiao Zhan’s face was unreadable for a moment before he pulled the curtain closed. 

When he turned back, he jerked Yibo closer to him by the hand and asked, his voice barely contained. “ _I_ walk away? Isn’t that your specialty?”

“I walked away once. Once, Zhan Ge! And you cut me off forever!”

Whatever Xiao Zhan had been about to say back was stopped when the curtain pulled back and Darren popped up with three other cast members, all in various states of inebriation. They crowded into the booth, making Yibo scoot closer to Xiao Zhan.

And then Xiao Zhan was trying his hardest to hold still as Yibo’s smell assaulted his senses, that hint of jasmine mixed with his sweat combining into the most potent aphrodisiac created to destroy his system. Almost unconsciously, Yibo relaxed into him and Xiao Zhan clenched his fists. 

Darren laughed then at something one of the other actors said, guffawing loudly and falling onto Yibo, who momentarily lost balance and pushed further back into Xiao Zhan’s chest. His hand searched for purchase and solely out of reflex, Xiao Zhan slid his hand under Yibo’s. Even after he steadied himself, Yibo held onto the hand, his hold warm and tight under the table. 

He kept Yibo’s hand in his, but gently pulled his torso back so that it was not plastered to Yibo. Each time he did though, Yibo would gently sway back again, until his back was essentially curved around Yibo’s spine, his nose brushing against the slightly wet hair at Yibo’s nape. When he thought he would lose his last shred of control, he leaned over and whispered, “Your smell is driving me crazy. If you don’t move away soon, I’m going to do end up doing something you’ll regret.”

When he started to pull back, Yibo caught his arm and held on.

“I know you’re drunk Yibo…” he whispered in Yibo’s ears, but then stopped when he felt Yibo take his hand and slide it up under his shirt.

“Fuck baby, have some mercy please…” he pulled his hand back before he could really touch Yibo’s skin.

There was a moment’s pause as Yibo watched him slide his hand out of his hold and then he turned back, his eyes hooded in that way he had never thought to see again. “You don’t want me anymore?”

“Yes, of course he wants you. Come on! Even a fucking blind man can see it.” Darren said suddenly, waking up from his stupor and pushing Yibo back into Xiao Zhan’s chest.

Yibo seemed to only become aware of Darren then. He leaned forward to take Darren’s face in his hands. 

“You want him too, don’t you? You want to toss a coin? I call heads.”

“Why are you such an absurd drunk?” Darren asked, shaking his head.

“You can have tails then.” Yibo said, earning a chuckle from Xiao Zhan as he pulled him back against him by the waist.

“Was this your intention all along when you called me here?” Xiao Zhan asked Darren, who seemed not as drunk now as he had before.

“How was I to know he would be such a basket-case horny drunk? You give me far too much credit.” Darren said, stretching his hands up wide, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Either way, as much as I would love to be part of this threesome, he already warned me that you don’t like to share.”

“He did?” Xiao Zhan asked, pulling Yibo back against him even more.

“Indeed. And now my work here is done.” Darren poked and prodded the others at the table until they woke up murmuring. “We need to head out, come on. This is a mighty uncomfortable place to lay down for the night.” Just before he left, Xiao Zhan pulled him back by his hand, still holding onto the weight now heavy on his lap. 

“Thank you.” 

Darren shrugged. “He’s cuter than I thought.”

Xiao Zhan smiled. Darren smiled back. Then he was gone.

He waited a moment until after the curtains shut to look at Yibo, who had momentarily passed out on his shoulder.

He shook him a bit. “I need to get you back to your room.”

Yibo opened his eyes, but shook his head. “Where’s Darren? Did I win? Was it heads?”

“I won.” Xiao Zhan said instead, making Yibo’s eyebrows narrow in confusion.

“Now I need to get you back to your hotel room.”

“But I want you.” Yibo said instead, turning around in his lap.

“Yibo…” Xiao Zhan bit out as he felt it, Yibo fully hard and rubbing against him.

“Fuck…” he growled, closing his eyes.

It spoke to the level of Yibo’s disinhibition in the moment that he pulled off his white t-shirt with no warning.

“No no _no no_ …” Xiao uttered it like a mantra as he pulled the shirt back over Yibo’s head and down his arms, trying not to look at his divine body.

A look of hurt passed over Yibo’s face and Xiao Zhan closed his eyes, praying for forbearance in the face of the mother of all temptations. “We _can’t_ do anything in public. I have to take you back. And if you still feel like you want me to touch you when we get back to your room, we can renegotiate.”

“Fuck you.” Yibo said, climbing off his lap. He was about to get out of the booth, but Xiao Zhan managed to hold him back while calling Singer who was still on his speed dial even after all these years.

Yibo did manage to storm off into his van, although he didn’t block him from entering when he climbed in behind him. He fell asleep almost immediately and remained that way until the hotel. He roused enough to walk up with Singer, Xiao Zhan taking a different elevator back to get up to Yibo’s room. 

By the time Singer answered the door when he rang the bell, Yibo was passed out on the bed. 

“Thank you.” He told Singer, who smiled with a nod before leaving.

He wondered how Yibo would feel tomorrow knowing that his bodyguard had so trustingly left him with Xiao Zhan.

And then he sat back on the couch and fell asleep there, still in full suit and all, keeping company to a sleeping Yibo, not knowing what the morning will bring. 

xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments = Love :)


	41. Possession

He woke up from a nightmare that involved something chasing him and being unable to hide – his brain evidently deciding to forgo subtlety entirely - drenched in sweat. The clock on the hotel wall read 3:30 am. For a moment, he thought of leaving to go back to his room. But then he looked at Yibo still sprawled out on the bed and decided against it. He was worried if he left, Yibo would close back up and never open again. 

He grabbed a spare towel from the side closet and walked to the bathroom, stripping out of his suit and shirt. The shower stall smelled vaguely of Yibo and he closed his eyes inhaling the scent as he turned on the shower all the way to steaming. Maybe scalding his skin a bit would cure his addiction to Yibo’s pheromones or whatever shit it was that made him lose his mind. 

It wasn’t the biggest bathroom and pretty soon, all three sides of the glass stall were covered in steam. He didn’t know how long he stood there trying to clear his head and figure out how to deal with Yibo in the morning. 

A blast of cold air rushed in as the shower door slid open and then shut and he turned around to find a very naked Yibo right behind him.

His heart was hammering in his chest the next moment, although this was most certainly the good kind of hammering. Yibo was drenched within a moment as he moved directly under the water, his gaze never leaving Xiao Zhan’s.

He put his arms on either side of Yibo so he wouldn’t touch him, _yet_ , and asked, “Are you still drunk?”

Yibo lifted up his chin defiantly, refusing to answer.

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and took a deep inhale before pressing himself against Yibo. There was a surprised gasp from Yibo and Xiao Zhan wrapped his arms around Yibo to bring him up and suck on his neck, the water sluicing over both their faces and bodies, skin heated and sensitive.

“Are you still drunk?” he asked, running his tongue over Yibo’s adam’s apple, his hand running down to the small of his back, pressing him closer.

He heard Yibo moan as he arched his neck further to his lips. He still didn’t answer though.

Xiao Zhan left his neck and pulled back to look at him. Yibo’s eyes were closed and his lips were parted and he watched the water run down his face, occasionally collecting on the tips of his lashes or in the dip of his lips. 

“Fuck baby, before I go completely apeshit crazy, you need to tell me that you are in your sane mind.”

“I’m _not_ in my sane mind.” Yibo spoke finally, his arms snaking around Xiao Zhan’s back to pull him even closer.

“If I was, would I forget everything you’ve done and let you do this to me?” he asked, opening his eyes, the hurt from earlier clouding over them now. 

“How about what you did?” Xiao Zhan asked, kissing Yibo near one eye.

“Was that enough to never talk to me again?” he asked, closing both eyes, but tilting his face up into the kiss.

He thought of what to say. Nothing was going to be a good enough reason. And the real reason was the sort that he hoped would die with him without having to let out to anyone else, especially Yibo.

And so, he settled for a more palatable version of the truth. “It was a bad time, Yibo. The worst time. You leaving that day literally started the worst few years of my life. There were many times that I thought I wouldn’t ever return from it. I wasn’t about to drag you down with me.”

Yibo was quiet then and after a moment, Xiao Zhan pulled back to look at him. 

“You can be really cruel.” Yibo’s eyes were red.

Xiao Zhan didn’t respond right away, but simply held his gaze, letting Yibo read what was in his eyes rather than just listening to his words. But then he couldn’t help himself as he said, “You seemed to have moved on without any problem, Mark right there to catch you.”

Yibo pushed at him and turned away then, but Xiao Zhan immediately grabbed him from the back, both arms going around his waist to pull him back to him. 

He could see Mark in his mind’s eye now, how he had seemed protective of Yibo. It made him tighten his arms around Yibo, the possessiveness that he used to hide so well in the beginning years now a live wire in his veins. His erection turned into an unrelenting pressure against Yibo’s back and he bit down hard against his neck, sucking insistently, knowing it would leave a mark.

“Fuck!” Yibo whispered, throwing his head back against his shoulders.

“He must have known that you were always mine.” Xiao Zhan said, his hand rubbing down Yibo’s chest to his abs while the other one grabbed onto his hard length, pumping up and down.

He brought Yibo’s index finger to his mouth to suck on it. Yibo whimpered, biting down on his own lips and grinding back hard against Xiao Zhan’s erection, his body twisting up and down. Before long, his exhalations turned into shallow pants that were making Xiao Zhan’s dick throb.

“Tell me that you’ve always been mine.” He whispered harshly in Yibo’s ear, tightening his hold around his waist and speeding up the movement of his hand. 

“Why? When you’ve not done anything to show me that you’re mine?” Yibo managed to get out even as he pulled Xiao Zhan closer to him by grabbing him around his back to bring him closer.

“Fuck you Yibo. I haven’t even been able to touch anybody since you came into my life and turned it all upside down.”

There was a moment’s pause and Yibo stilled, his eyes opening and turning to look at Xiao Zhan, surprise quelling his movements. 

“Why is that such a surprise?” he asked now, leaning down to take Yibo’s lips with his. When he pulled back, Yibo’s eyes were filled with longing and lust in a way that was different from before. “When I said you ruined me for everybody else, I meant it.” He whispered, holding Yibo’s gaze. 

His hand had maintained a steady rhythm on Yibo and he felt his dick suddenly twitch before Yibo’s eyes squeezed shut and his hips bucked as he came all over the shower tiles. No sooner was he done than he reached behind him to grab onto Xiao Zhan’s dick to finish off what the grinding had started. 

They fell back against the fogged-up glass panel of the shower together and Xiao Zhan thought he would slide down to the floor in a heap of depletion. He stood up though, supporting almost all of Yibo’s weight against his. 

“You okay?” he asked after a while, shutting off the water, still holding Yibo around the waist.

Yibo nodded and turned around to face him. His eyes were languid and sated, but when he put his arms around Xiao Zhan’s neck, he whispered, “Fuck me on the bed.”

xxxx


	42. A Different Element

“What the actual fuck Yibo?” Darren hissed in his ear, pulling him off to the side.

They were both in makeup on Sunday morning, about to shoot their post-coital scene and Darren had just gotten a look at Yibo’s body while they both changed. 

He pulled aside one panel of Yibo’s shirt to check again.

“Dear Zeus, he is an animal!” he remarked running his fingers over Yibo’s torso. “One, two, three… four” and turning Yibo around, “five, six…. Shit! Has he been starving all his life that he needed to eat you whole?”

Yibo pulled his shirt down and pushed Darren away. 

“It’s not what you think.” He said, although really, there was not even any point to lying. He just hoped the makeup people had some heavy-duty stuff to cover it up.

And then the thought occurred to him that Darren likely had a lot more experience at this than he did. And so he asked, “Actually, what is a good cover-up for this? I mean, other than… what it is… what could it be? What can I pass it off as?”

“Nothing, come on! There is nothing else this could be. This definitely is exactly what it looks like.” Darren pulled his shirt open again, shaking his head. “You finally gave someone the passcode to the treasure trove that you call your body and they went full on savage mode and munched you to bits.”

“Fuck!” he said, pulling his shirt closed.

“Seriously, did you not tell him that you had a half-naked shoot today? How does he think you’re going to cover this up?” 

Yibo closed his eyes and tried to think. But his brain took the opportunity to supply him with detailed replays of how those marks had come to be in the first place.

“Oh my God!” Darren smacked him on the arm as if he too could see exactly what Yibo was thinking about in the moment. “What are you, 16?”

Yibo opened his eyes and focused on Darren’s face, trying to distract his brain.

Darren looked him in the eyes and after a moment, he leaned over to whisper in his ears, “Fuck Yibo! How did you stand me talking about him the way I did if you were this in love with him?”

Yibo closed his eyes again, shaking his head.

He felt Darren pull his shirt apart again as he took stock of all the marks once more. “Seriously, has he not fucked anyone in ages? This is legit body worship.”

“Stop, you asshole, and help me think of an excuse for this.” 

It turns out that they didn’t need to think of an excuse because when the makeup people finally got a look, they were snickering amongst themselves, giving the both of them knowing looks and Darren eventually hissed in Yibo’s ears, “Fuck you shithead, they think I did that to you.”

Yibo’s eyes widened. Although… given that the ten-take makeout shoot had only been a day ago, why that hadn’t occurred to him sooner was a miracle.

He smirked in Darren’s direction and this time Darren’s eyes widened. “Wait, you are ok with them thinking that _I_ did this to you?” 

“We can just say that it happened during the shoot?”

“I really don’t think I bit you this much during the shoot, or even at all.” 

“But they don’t know that.” Yibo said, smiling.

Darren tilted his head and Yibo’s smile vanished. “I mean, unless you’re uncomfortable that they would think that? Then it’s no problem. I can make up some other story.”

Darren kept his serious stare going for another moment before his expression widened into a grin, “Are you kidding me? Can you believe what it would do to my reputation to be known – even through hushed murmurs and speculations – as the one who did this to the untouchable Wang Yibo?” 

“You’re ridiculous.” Yibo slapped his arm away when Darren made a grabbing motion.

“Not that my reputation needs another feather, but really…”

Just then Yimou came into the makeup room and to their side.

“If you don’t mind, can I see how much needs covering up?” he said, gesturing lightly to Yibo’s shirt.

Clearly the news had traveled up chain quickly, although he could understand. Extensive use of body concealer did not play well with white bedsheets. And if the director thought there was no need to ‘conceal’ anything given the sequence of scenes…

And thus it was that a certain CEO’s bite marks all over Wang Yibo’s body ended up displayed in all its unvarnished glory in the infamous scene from Yimou’s last classic, _Liminal Spaces._

xxxx

Darren dragged him to dinner at the hotel restaurant downstairs again. He wasn’t hungry, but he made himself eat a lite meal anyways. 

“There he is, in the corner.” Darren said leaning over, but then added, “Don’t look. Just look in the mirror behind me.”

Yibo looked and could hardly make out the table in the corner, but he could see Lisa and at least three other people at the table.

“Looks like a business dinner. Let’s not disturb.”

“Why can’t we just hang out in his penthouse suite?” Darren asked, leaning back and winking at some woman two tables down who was subtly trying to angle her camera in his direction to take a picture. Yibo looked in time to see her hide the camera in chagrin, caught red-handed.

He shook his head as Darren turned back to face him. “We are going to be all over the news as an item after all this shit gets out.”

“Let’s enjoy. It’s not often that I get to enjoy one of the link-ups with my name. At least this time it’s with someone I genuinely like.”

“Why? They don’t usually worship you with someone you like?” Yibo asked, curious. His dating experience being as limited as it was, he wasn’t entirely sure how people who engaged in that particular social exercise regularly dealt with the risks and fall-outs. Mark had been by his side as his makeup artist for so long that people barely knew they were dating when they actually were. Only a few in the industry had found out and that only when they had started living together. But Yibo had never been into PDA and had grown up cautious of the press and media and had thus changed nothing in his interactions with Mark even when they had been dating. Even those who had known they were living together treated their dating story with a healthy dose of suspicion as Yibo had never really given any confirmation of the relationship. The only time that he had ever had moony eyes for anyone – especially in public – had been… well… A long time ago.

“Hmm. All my linkups are with costars, which is strange because I don’t date my costars as a rule.” Darren remarked absently, taking a sip from his glass of wine.

“Case in point.” Yibo added with a smile.

Darren smiled back. “True, but with you, if I had been into you, I would have tried to start something with you once the shoot was over. Dating during filming is risky; too many people, money, and effort riding on passing passions.”

“Hitting on the producer is okay?” Yibo asked, smirking now.

Darren took another sip of his drink and leaned forward. “He is an exception. Or maybe it’s because _Unavailable_ is written all over him. I don’t turn down that kind of challenge.”

“Then why did you decide to give up?” Yibo asked, genuinely curious. “It can’t be because of me, come on.”

“Why not? At first, I thought it was a one-way street. He was clearly into you. But you my man, you’re a fucking tough nut to crack. If I hadn’t gotten to know you well enough over the past few months, I would have taken that sunglasses and AirPods routine at face value. That you’re an asocial little shit who really did believe you were too pretty for the rest of the human species. But when you warm up, you’re surprisingly cute. Humble as shit, especially for all your geges. Anyone who treats those older than him with that much deference can’t be as arrogant as all that. It took some time to know the pattern to your madness. The sunglasses and the AirPods came out only when a certain tall drink of water was on sets.”

Yibo didn’t respond, taking a drink out of his cup of green tea. 

“So what now?” Darren asked, turning in his direction.

“What now?” Yibo raised an eyebrow.

“You’re not the one-night-stand sort of material. Neither is he. So what now?” he clarified.

Yibo sighed and sat back in his chair. He looked in the mirror behind Darren and noticed that the meeting was still in full swing.

“It’s complicated.” He said finally.

“Whenever is it not?” Darren mused, sitting back as well.

His tone was somber for once and Yibo looked at him. But Darren was looking off into the distance.

“Who is your complication?” he asked.

Darren sighed and turned to face him. “It’s a rather cliched story.”

“Hit me.”

“He’s straight.” 

Yibo raised an eyebrow. It was an old cliché, but one that he hadn’t heard in a while, especially in the world and age they lived in, although he couldn’t say that it would ever stop being an issue.

“So, it was entirely one-sided?”

“Hmm… I don’t know if you have seen any of my older dramas?”

“That one in which you had to pretend to be a woman? That one.”

“Hmm…” Darren smiled. “That drama made a lot of straight guys confused for a hot minute. My guy was one of them.”

“Don’t tell me it was…”

“I won’t.”

“How did it end?” 

Darren seemed lost in thought for another long moment, but then appeared to snap out of it. “We had a good seven weeks. And then you know, reality came crashing down and the magic was broken.”

Reality had a tendency to do that. Crash down on good times. Abruptly and with complete devastation, blowing things up into smithereens. Until what used to be became unrecognizable.

“Where is he now?” he asked.

“Oh, he’s married. Has the loveliest wife and two beautiful kids. I’m the godfather to one of them.”

Yibo looked at Darren in surprise. To still be that involved with someone you were clearly not over seemed the height of masochism.

“Why?” he asked. He could recall the enormous rock that had sat on his chest for months after he discovered that Xiao Zhan had been dating that actress. He couldn’t imagine having to see that every day, in all its domestic bliss, living a life that you had lost out to.

“I don’t know. It seemed masochistic to remove him from my life completely just because he couldn’t give me exactly what I wanted. He is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life. The true tragedy would’ve been to lose him altogether.” 

“You’re enlightened to an entirely different plane than me.” he mused, taking a drink out of Darren’s wine glass, forgoing his tea.

“Well, the love of your life is just as much into you as you’re into him.” 

Yibo shrugged noncommittally. Sex and love were different matters. No need to confuse the two.

“He hurt you pretty bad before, didn’t he?” Darren asked, surprising him.

He didn’t answer.

“I did a little research into him. He has been through some shit. A lot of shit, in fact.”

Yibo nodded.

“In fact, forged by fire would likely not be an overstatement.”

He nodded again.

He watched in the mirror now as Xiao Zhan got up from the table, followed by the rest of the occupants. He and Lisa passed right by their table and there was a quick nod in their direction before they were gone. 

“This is an entirely different element.” Yibo said, turning back to Darren.

Xxx

He was on top that night, his eyes closed and his movements controlled. He bit down on his lip so that he wouldn’t make any noise, but the pleasure was indescribable. Xiao Zhan’s strength must have increased ten-fold in the six years that they had not seen each other; as much as it was Yibo moving, Xiao Zhan held him by the hips, each thrust rubbing against the pleasure center inside him in the most mind-erasing way possible. He opened his eyes to find that Xiao Zhan was watching him, the concentration on his face almost overwhelming. He was still in his suit and they had only managed to get his pants unzipped before starting this on the couch. As different as this Xiao Zhan seemed to be from the one that he had played home with for three weeks a lifetime ago, he was ashamed to admit even to himself that this one made him hard just by walking into a room. Every pore of him heated up until he was blind from the lust pooling into the pit of his belly. Every inch of this version of Xiao Zhan was power and control. Like he had said fuck you to all those who had put him on a pedestal as a nice guy before knocking him down and stepping on him. Yibo remembered back to the time when he had told Xiao Zhan that he had given too much power to his fans and to be controlled by them was to also suffer at their hands. 

And now they were at the other side of it. 

Watching him now, Yibo knew, a large part of Xiao Zhan had gone offline, no longer accessible through just looking or talking. But his touch, there was a lot he couldn’t hide from his touch. And the way those hands were gripping his hips now, he knew those fingers would leave marks. 

Xiao Zhan lifted up his shirt to flick a tongue over his nipple and Yibo’s abs contracted at the sudden burst of pleasure. His dick rubbed against Xiao Zhan’s navy-blue tie, the silk of its material a feather light caress against his oversensitive skin. His pulled at Xiao Zhan’s hair, the long hair that drove him crazy, as the pull at his nipple turned into a series of quick licks. And then Xiao Zhan was dragging his shirt over his head, divesting him of his last piece of clothing while he still remained fully clothed with only his dick out and buried deep inside Yibo’s bare heated body. 

“The lube is going to ruin your pants.” Yibo gritted out.

“It’s just pants.” Xiao Zhan answered in the same breath.

“And my cum is going to ruin your shirt, tie, and suit jacket.” He said.

“I’m looking forward to it.” He whispered in his ear, biting on the earlobe, making Yibo clutch his shoulders and growl.

“Fuck, fuck me harder.” He pulled harder on Xiao Zhan’s hair as if for emphasis.

And he did, lifting him almost completely before bringing him down and jerking up into him in an angle in such a way that Yibo did live up to his word, ruining the entire bespoke suit. 

His heart was hammering in his chest so loud that he couldn’t hear his own breathing. He was drenched in sweat. And fully naked. Fully naked on the lap of a fully clothed man in a suit. Who looked like he ruled the world. He closed his eyes and thought of which porn plotline this particular scene belonged to. 

He gave himself a few moments to catch his breath and started to climb off of Xiao Zhan’s lap when he felt Xiao Zhan’s arms tighten around his waist to bring him closer. Yibo took a deep breath and thought of how to extricate himself as unobtrusively as possible so that this did not lead to any acknowledgment of how their dynamics had shifted. About how sex-crazed he had become. About how he could do this without laying waste to his heart again… 

  
His thoughts were cut short when Xiao Zhan leaned forward until their foreheads touched. And then he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “I have panic attacks, Yibo.”

xxx


	43. Confessions

He knew what panic attacks were. In the idol industry, that was not an uncommon thing. He had had pretty bad anxiety himself and during the years after the Untamed when the fame had gotten really insane, someone had put a tracker on his car and people had followed him everywhere he went, following him into restrooms, knocking on his hotel room door in the wee hours of the night. One of the main reasons he had even started dating Mark had been because of his insomnia during those many nights when he had been so afraid to go to sleep because he had been antsy that people would try to break into his room in the middle of the night. Singer had been around for most of it, but he couldn’t follow him everywhere. And one of those nights when Mark had been with him and someone had indeed banged on his door, he had lost his mind, at the end of his rope after the year that he had had, feeling that he would either kill someone or just kill himself. Mark had started to share the bed with him from then on to make him feel like someone was there with him all the time. He had been grateful. It had just been sharing the bed initially; there had been nothing physical about it. And it had worked to get him through day by day, night by night. And by the time he had realized that Mark had become his emotional and physical crutch, their relationship had changed entirely. 

Paige had intervened at some point and had made him go to therapy. He had been paranoid about going. He had been even more paranoid that the doctor would break confidentiality and leak information about him to the media. But he had still gone, just to show Paige that he had done his part. Even though he had not really talked for the first six sessions, the doctor had stuck with him. The treatment for anxiety was structured, time-limited in scope, required him to do homework, the doctor had explained, and had asked him to treat it a bit like taking a course. A course in how to manage your mind better, your reactions better. He had imagined laying on the couch for hours on end, free-associating all the shit that popped into his head, and someone behind him taking notes and analyzing his words as if he was some clinical specimen requiring dissection. Well, that was a different kind of therapy, the doctor had explained, and not really the primary treatment of choice for any anxiety disorders. This was something called CBT and so he had gone home and looked up everything his search engine could tell him about CBT. It was like learning; they even had anxiety workbooks. So, he had made Paige buy him three different workbooks from three different editors – just to be thorough - and had gone back to the doctor. And had kept going back for another six months until he felt a little less on edge. And then a lot less on edge.

He remembered Xiao Zhan that day in the trailer. And he heard him explain now. He called them only panic attacks. But what he was really describing was something that Yibo had learned about during his therapy time. The doctor had wanted to understand exactly what he was suffering from and she had listed a whole host of anxiety related disorders… generalized anxiety, phobias, OCD, panic attacks, agoraphobia… but she had also said that when the fear was associated with something much more specific, something specifically traumatic, they called them by another name. PTSD. 

He didn’t say anything though. He listened. And he knew that Xiao Zhan was choosing his words carefully, trying to figure out what to say and what not to say. So that he wouldn’t give away things that he didn’t want to talk about. Yibo could understand the feeling. 

“What are the triggers?” he asked much later, once they were in bed. They were both naked, their limbs tangled together like vines.

Xiao Zhan didn’t answer, but pulled him tighter against his chest. Yibo turned his head slightly to the side to look behind him, although given how he was being spooned, his head only turned to his profile view. But he felt Xiao Zhan bury his face against his neck, breathing in.

“Fuck, your smell makes me literally go nuts.” He whispered.

“You mean, it literally goes to your nuts.” Yibo said, smiling, his hand sneaking down to palm Xiao Zhan’s balls. 

“Fuck… tell me to stop. I can’t stop.” Xiao Zhan had started moving, his dick poking into where it wanted to go. 

“Don’t stop.” Yibo whispered, closing his eyes, moving his ass back instinctively, wondering if they would run out of lube at this rate.

“I wasn’t this out of control before.” Xiao Zhan said, and for a moment, Yibo’s mind flooded with images from everything that they had done in bed during those three weeks in that flat. He felt a twinge in his chest and it caught him by surprise, how those memories still had the power to hurt. He brought a fist to his chest and pushed it in, rubbing the knot out. 

It took a moment to realize that Xiao Zhan had gone quiet behind him. He held still as he waited. Any reference to what happened back then was bound to be awkward and he waited for the moment to pass. But a moment later, he felt a coldness against his ribs and looked down. He put his hand on top of Xiao Zhan’s where they were wrapped around his waist; the fingers were ice cold. 

He wrapped his warm hand around Xiao Zhan’s cold ones and listened in silence. He could hear his own breathing, but nothing from the other end. 

“Breathe, sweetheart.” he whispered, gently squeezing the fingers in his hold. Those cold hands were wrapped tight around him still, almost as if they were locked in place. Even the strap of the Fitbit on Xiao’s Zhan’s wrist felt warmer than the skin. 

_The Fitbit._ Yibo looked down to see if there was a heartrate read. There was. It read 105. Fuck. 

He turned around then, facing Xiao Zhan. His face was expressionless and cold, like a frozen statue. 

“Zhang Ge…” he held the face between his hands, looking into those eyes that seemed to look right through him.

“Look at me, baby. I’m right here.” He didn’t know if it would backfire, but he pressed his warm wet lips against Xiao Zhan’s, which were as cold as the rest of him. He pulled back to press a kiss to his chin and then to his jaw, trailing his lips up to his ears, “Can you hear me? I’m right here. Can you feel me? I’m holding you, kissing you… come back. Come back to me.”

It took another few moments before he saw Xiao Zhan’s eyelashes flutter, the gaze becoming aware slowly, and then focusing on him. He could hear his own heart race as he looked into those eyes, saw the pain in them now, an old pain from old memories…

He kissed him again, this time diving in, open-mouthed, pulling on his hair and crushing his body against Xiao Zhan’s, rubbing against him everywhere their skin met as if he wanted to fuse together and then be absorbed in. As if that would somehow let him steep in the hurt himself if he couldn’t pull it out.

For a moment Xiao Zhan only received, closing his eyes and allowing Yibo to continue the onslaught, his hands climbing every which way, his lips kissing him everywhere, biting, licking, sucking, pressing him down into the bed until the ice started to thaw… and then Yibo’s heated dick was pressing into his belly and his tongue was tracing a line down his chest, flicking at his nipples, dipping into his belly button and lower still and then the entire heat of that mouth was around his erection, softly licking at first and then sucking as if his life depended on it. And then Xiao Zhan’s body was not just warm but on fire, his hips bucking and something inside him trying to claw its way out. He pulled Yibo up from his dick and brought him up, crushing their lips together, tasting himself on Yibo’s lips.

“Not in your mouth.” He said, pulling back, before adding, “Inside you.” 

Yibo’s eyes were dark viscous pools of need and he grabbed the lube on the stand next to them and made quick work before easing his way down over the erection under him.

“Fuck!” he hissed through the first burn and then the fullness, grabbing Xiao Zhan to him. They ended up seated on the bed, Xiao Zhan’s back against the pillow as Yibo ground down against him, clutching him as if he would never let go.

Xiao Zhan bit into Yibo’s shoulder, the pleasure so intense that it bordered on pain, and could hear Yibo murmur in his ear, his voice throaty and husky, his fingers climbing into the back of his head. “You’re mine… You’re mine from forever ago. Even when you were gone, you were mine. I walked away that day only because I was so fucking head over heels in love with you, it was leaking out of all of my pores. You must know that. You’ve always known that. It’s never been a secret.”

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and moved his mouth up further to suck on the slope of Yibo’s neck, his dick so hard where Yibo wrapped around him like a warm glove. 

“Don’t let me go again.” Yibo whispered and Xiao Zhan lifted his hips and brought him down hard and tight around him.

He watched Yibo’s face until Yibo opened his eyes and then those eyes were all he saw as he lifted those hips up and down again and again with ease, crushing their bodies together as if this would never be enough. Those eyes that had sucked him in way back when and had not let him go in all that had passed after, even when other memories had thrown his mind and body into hell, and had made him want to claw his way out of all the fear and come back to find it again, just like this, gazing at him as if all of infinity and time itself had folded itself into its pools. 

He felt the tightening around his erection and knew that Yibo was close, and then Yibo’s breaths turned into little whimpers, his eyes closing as he brought Xiao Zhan’s mouth back against his neck. 

And just after the world exploded around them and Yibo’s light frame turned into liquid in his arms, Xiao Zhan held him close and brushed back the sweaty strands of hair from his ears before whispering, “Wo Ai Ni.”

xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments = Love


	44. Revelations

“Hey…” he heard the soft voice by his ear and burrowed in closer to the warmth of the body behind him. There was a light kiss below his ear and then, “Let me leave my key with you” that made him open his eyes.

The room was dark and there was the blue of dawn still far off in the distance peeking in through the crevice of the hotel blinds.

“What time is it?” he asked groggily, sleep still lingering as if sensing a warmth that it treated with the same reverence as the return of the prodigal son. 

“4:00. I have a flight to Singapore at 7:00.”

“Hmm…” he murmured before it hit exactly what Xiao Zhan had said.

“Oh, fuck, of course.” He sat up in bed and started to slide out but Xiao Zhan pulled him back.

“Not so fast.”

“Don’t start something you can’t finish.” Yibo managed to get out even as his head fogged up quickly from all the kisses raining down the side of his neck to his shoulders. 

In answer, Xiao Zhan opened up Yibo’s palm and pressed his mouth into it, his lips warm. 

Yibo’s felt it travel up his arm, languid, and relaxed back into the chest behind him, feeling something secretive unfurling inside him in this threshold where night had left behind but morning had not quite arrived.

“I have this memory.” Xiao Zhan said.

“Mmn…”

“Of you singing Bu Wang to me, kissing me just like this, on the inside of my palm.” 

Yibo’s eyes opened and he turned back to look at Xiao Zhan. “You remember?” 

“For the longest time, I thought it was just a dream.”

“Hmm…” Yibo smiled as he took Xiao Zhan’s hand in his to kiss that same palm now.

There were a few quiet moments before Yibo asked, “How often do you have panic attacks?”

Xiao Zhan’s hold around his waist tightened and he put his head into the crook of his neck before he answered, “Not that often anymore.”

“Can you always tell when it’s coming?”

“Usually. But the triggers change over time, get modified so to speak, so sometimes what used to trip me up doesn’t anymore. But I don't always know until I am actually in the situation what will happen.”

Yibo absorbed that for a moment and then asked, “Do you take anything for it?”

“Not regularly, but more on an as-needed basis.”

There was another moment of quiet before he admitted. “Paige made me go too. A long time ago.”

Xiao Zhan pulled back to look at him now, asking, “Why, do you have them too?”

“Not panic attacks. Just anxiety. Insomnia. The year after the show came out, someone had put a tracker on my car. It sort of fucked with my head, knowing people could do that and know where I would be all the time. And I ended up not being able to sleep.”

Xiao Zhan squeezed his hand, pulling him closer. “Did they find out who?”

Yibo nodded. “The law had to get involved and all that. It was a mess for a while.”

“You got through it.” Xiao Zhan said then.

“So did you.” Yibo squeezed Xiao Zhan’s hand in his.

They held on for another minute before Yibo pulled away and hopped off the bed, “Any more of this and you’ll miss your flight.” 

By the time Xiao Zhan came out of the bathroom from his shower, Yibo had pulled on his clothes.

“Should I leave the key?” Xiao Zhan asked.

Yibo shook his head. “How long will you be gone?”

“Three days.” 

An eternity, then.

Yibo nodded. “I’ll see you when you get back then.”

xxx

Darren’s hand rubbed up and down his back in a soothing motion and Yibo felt his eyelids grow heavy.

They were in the middle of another love scene, although this one much more affectionate than passionate, but they had been in bed for some time and Yibo tried not to yawn. Darren was the most naturally affectionate man in the world and his touch was really sleep-inducing. 

Darren rubbed his nose over his earlobe ever so slowly, it barely tickled, and Yibo thought closing his eyes just once wouldn’t be so bad. And then Darren’s lips were against his ears, whispering, “So I found out something about your man.” 

Lethargy from the disproportionately copious amounts of sex that he had indulged in over the past few days was just now catching up with him, lingering just shy of short-circuiting his entire system. And thus it was that it took a whole minute for Darren’s words to travel up his ear canal and auditory channel to connect with his association cortex until his brain finally processed it, watching the entire proceedings as if in slow motion.

And then his eyes opened. 

Darren had a sly smile now as he walked his index and middle fingers down the center of Yibo’s back, all the way to the edge of the waistband of his pants.

Yibo raised an eyebrow. His eyes shot in the direction of the crew; the cameras were still trained on them, but this was one of those scenes that would be played with background music and not dialogues so they had been urged to act naturally, talk naturally, as if they were simply spending an affectionate afternoon in bed.

“Haven’t you wondered after that one drone incident why there have been no others? No creepers, no paparazzi, on set?”

“It’s a closed set.” Yibo remarked, as if that explained it, although now that Darren mentioned it, it _was_ odd. Just because one attempt had been deterred, it did not mean that prevented all other attempts by all others with fancy cameras and an afternoon outlet to sell salacious news to.

“Yea, true. But, XZ Studio’s sets tend to be more closed than others, haven’t you noticed?” he asked.

He hadn’t actually. XZ Studios rarely ventured into fully mainstream huge budget movies. They were not an indie-movies-only studio either, but treaded that tricky border between commercial viability and artistic merit, hoping to get a project that ended up with some harmony between the two. Xiao Zhan was a businessman after all. Taking on projects that would run at a loss was not what he was in the habit of doing. It was also the reason XZ Studios did not make a ton of movies. 

Yibo waited for Darren to elaborate. “He is something of a… what is a good word for this… let’s just say that if he caught you taking pictures of him that he did not want taken, your entire equipment will be lost in a few days.”

He felt the hair on his hand stand up and he brushed it down before he said, “I don’t understand.”

“Not just that. If your equipment is not lost, it’s because he has now acquired pictures of you that you may not want released to the public. A bit of ‘you invade my privacy, I invade yours.’ Good ol’ eye for an eye.”

“You make him sound like some sort of yakuza.” Yibo said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Darren pffed. “Hardly. He just has very clear ideas about his personal space. And if you decide to make money off of exploiting his privacy…” Darren lay back against the pillow before continuing, “…well, let’s just say that those adorable Bambi eyes and wicked mole are hiding some sharp-ass canines. You won’t even know what hit you until you’re punctured and bleeding.”

Yimou called _Cut_ just then and Yibo scrambled off the bed, hearing Darren laugh out loud as he hopped off after him.

A few hours later found Darren at his door with some take-out. 

“What else did you find out?” he asked, waiting until they were halfway through the meal and Darren’s attention sufficiently distracted by the tv before asking.

Darren looked sideways and smiled that evil smile of his. “Damn, I’m impressed with your impulse-control. That’s like an entire three hours you waited before bringing up the subject.”

Yibo resumed eating and waited. He felt like he was sitting on pins and needles and wanted to smack Darren for drawing this out.

“Remember that anti-fan who had an entire website dedicated to dismantling his reputation back when the scandal hit?”

Yibo nodded.

How could he forget. Even after all the others had lost steam with their attacks, that one gossip website had kept it up, relentless for months on end. Every time Xiao Zhan seemed to recover, they would come up with something new, something stupid, something everybody did likely, but compounding on what Xiao Zhan had already been going through, it had seemed like a personal vendetta to make his career and his entire existence disappear.

“Haven’t you wondered what happened to it?” 

“I don’t care to follow the career trajectory of every bottom-feeder.” He answered, unable to keep the bite out of his tone. 

“Well, the entire website sort of disappeared off the face of the earth just a year later. Like one fine morning, it was just, _poof_ , gone.”

“Karma is a bitch, I guess.” Yibo mused.

“Yea, Karma is Xiao Zhan’s bitch.” Darren dug into his dandan noodles with glee. 

xxxxx


	45. Newton’s Third Law

Xiao Zhan’s three days in Singapore turned into almost two weeks and ended up including Malaysia, Abu Dhabi, and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands. It was just as well. He needed to get his mind back on finishing the shoot, currently in its last week. Although in his free time, he subjected his search engine to innumerous searches on the CEO of Zhan Group. To no avail though, as the only things that turned up in the way of leads were highly curated articles that had titles like _Young Entrepreneurs to Watch for_. Darren had been more successful, mainly because his sources were less the world wide web sort and more the industry contacts sort. Yibo refused to ask Paige anything about Xiao Zhan and thus divulge anything about his interest in the man. Whatever he and Xiao Zhan had now was a fragile sort of thing and he didn’t trust to be released into the world in its barely out of pupa form. 

Darren’s manager was a busybody just like Darren and knew somewhat more than most, although when it came to Xiao Zhan, most of the information she shared could only be considered third- and fourth-hand speculation and without any substantial proof. Case in point, the disappearance of that anti-fan website that had doggedly slandered Xiao Zhan. That one, Yibo did feel free to check with Paige, and although she had been surprised at his sudden interest in some long-gone gossip website, she had remembered its disappearance, specifically because it had been “a political hitjob” in her words. Whoever ran the website had gotten a bit sloppy and had unknowingly picked on some nephew of some politician who had appeared as a second lead in some obscure drama. Within a short amount of time, the government had evidently shut down the website; not only that, but someone had filed charges of slander against whoever ran it and the court proceedings from that had essentially destroyed the viability of the entire operation. Yibo had said as much to Darren, who had shrugged and said, “I liked the other option better.”

“Why? You want him to be some sort of retaliatory arbitrator of justice with a vendetta to take down everyone who wronged him?”

“Why not? When they were all against him, who did anything to help? No one really put their neck on the line even though he was literally the sweetheart of China and could do no wrong in their eyes just two months before the whole shit went down.” Darren’s defense made him remember the helplessness that he had felt at the time. Not only could he not offer support in any way, to do so would also make the situation worse for Xiao Zhan, Paige had repeatedly reminded him then.

“You weren’t there. You didn’t know what a catch-22 it was for all those who cared about him. The more the support, the worse the backlash.” He said, although he didn’t really expect Darren to understand. Maybe with Darren’s personality, he wouldn’t have let that stop him. And maybe there was a part of himself that thought that he hadn’t tried hard enough, looked for enough ways to be of some help. But as if knowing how his mind worked, Paige had repeatedly reminded him, “Sometimes people want to do nice things and to help only to feel better themselves. It has nothing to do with whoever they are helping. And I know you’re feeling guilty about whatever happened between you two. But there is nothing you can do to help other than leave him alone. Pretend he doesn’t exist, Yibo. Let him figure this out without having to worry about which of his loved ones would become the next casualty because you got too involved and wanted to fix shit for him that just can’t be fixed like that. Some battles are meant to be fought alone.”

“Some battles are meant to be fought alone.” He said out loud now and Darren looked at him, his eyes losing some of the fervor with which he had taken umbrage at those who had seemingly abandoned Xiao Zhan before.

“True.” He said, falling against the couch in Yibo’s room. “But you can’t truly expect him to not have changed from all those battles. You can’t expect him to be the same Xiao Zhan that you once knew, whoever he had been back then.”

Yibo knew that was true. He wasn’t even particularly against _being a retaliatory arbitrator of justice with a vendetta to take down everyone who wronged you_ from a philosophical standpoint. Hell, if it was anyone else, he would have saluted their balls. 

But this wasn’t anyone else. It was Xiao Zhan.   
  


He lay back on the couch, closing his eyes and within a few minutes, Darren was leaning against his shoulder.

“Do you always need to lean against some warm body?” He asked, even though he did appreciate the human contact at the moment. 

Darren being Darren took this as invitation to put his head down onto his lap as he grabbed the remote off the coffee table.

“I rarely find warm bodies I like enough to lean on. Especially warm bodies that I have no interest in sexing up. Appreciate it Yibo. Nonsexual touch is like the ambrosia to adults. Most of us have too many hang-ups about sex to appreciate how much we want the other kind of touch.”

That had some merit to it, he could admit. When he had been with UNIQ, touching had been the norm and not the exception. And that had been great comfort to a kid who had missed his family more than he had ever thought he would. 

“Speaking of sex, do tell, how _is_ Xiao Zhan in bed?” Darren asked now, sticking his tongue into his cheek and wiggling his eyebrows.

Yibo tilted his head and raised an eyebrow in intimation of, _Do I look like someone who would talk about my sex life?_

Darren appeared to catch on loud and clear and smirked. “Listen, you prude, you did wear a pair of jeans once that said “Pull me down and fuck me” on the back pocket. Don’t play coy with me now.”

 _Touché_. Yibo smiled at the memory. That jeans had had a lot of other shit written on it too and he remembered Xiao Zhan whispering to him in bed once, back then, “This cock is definitely too good to be gluten-free.”

“You seriously never had sex with any of your UNIQ hyungs? I’m sure they wanted to ride your pretty ass.” Darren interrupted his recollection. 

Yibo pushed Darren’s head away from his lap. “Not everyone’s head is filled with sex all the time.”

“Hell yea, it is! And definitely at that age. And especially if they are sleeping on the same bed as you on the daily. Woodies galore in the morning.”

“You can take care of your own wood. Why do you need help?” 

“Oh Yibo…” Darren remarked now, looking at him in something akin to sympathy. “Is Xiao Zhan your one and only? Well, yea, there’s that makeup artist too.”

The doorbell to his room rang just then, saving Yibo from having to answer, and he pushed Darren off his lap completely, chuckling when the momentum toppled Darren onto the floor. 

When he got to the door and looked through the peephole, it revealed the arbitrator himself, Bambi eyes, wicked mole, and all.

Yibo opened the door. Xiao Zhan was still in his suit and had his carry-on with him. 

“You just got back?” he asked. Xiao Zhan nodded and pressed a hotel keycard into his hand.

“What?” he asked, then looked up, “Now?” 

Xiao Zhan had already started to walk away, pulling the carry-on behind him. “Give me 15 to take a shower and then I’ll be good.”

“Wait, I have Darren here.” Yibo called out.

“Well, bring him too then.” There was a backward wave and then he heard the elevator ding before Xiao Zhan’s form disappeared.

Darren crowded into him from behind, peeking around the door. Then he looked at the keycard in his hand.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go! I’ve been dying to see the penthouse suite here.” Darren was practically pushing him out the door.

Yibo pushed him back inside the room and closed the door. “Why don’t you just a book a penthouse suite for yourself then? You’re not exactly poor, you know.”

“Pfft. Boy, you think I’m going to give up free lodgings in a fabulous hotel and spend my own dime for a couple of nights in a fancy room? How do you think I stay rich? By not spending my own money. Where are you going?”

“To take a shower.” Yibo said, pulling off his shirt as he walked into the bathroom.

“You know, if you’re counting on me not tagging along like a third wheel, you’re sorely mistaken.” Darren yelled out, as the bathroom door closed. “I have no shame, Yibo. I’m definitely crashing this party.”

Fifteen minutes later found them entering the elevator, Darren carrying two bottles of wine that he had procured from somewhere in the time that Yibo had been in the shower.

“What are you going to do, get drunk in his suite?” Yibo asked.

“No silly, I’m going to get him drunk and get to the bottom of some shit.”Yibo threw him a sideways glance at this proclamation.

“Besides, you smell crazy good! I’m sure he’ll go insane and maybe… _just maybe_ … I’ll get a live viewing of some gay porn.”

“You’ll have to live a few more lives to see that.” 

“Bullshit asshole. You were sitting on his lap, dry-humping him in the club that day after just two gin and tonics. You give zero fucks about who is watching where he is concerned.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Darren grabbed him around the scruff and placed a loud kiss on his cheek. “You’re too cute when you’re drunk and horny. Besides, we need some answers, you know.”

“What answers?” Yibo asked.

“Answers to questions you’re not going to ask him for ages because you’re still in that phase of your relationship where you’re too hot for each other and too keen on avoiding bringing up old – or new - baggage to upset the boat. You need the perfect mediary to fill in all the gaps, someone stuck with both of you for the time being, someone with an inordinate amount of interest in business that is not theirs, someone with a vision so incredible, it borders on premonition, someone with….”

“And I gather you’re this visionary?” Yibo interrupted. 

“Indeed.”

“Indeed.” 

Frankly though, he was curious about how this would unfold. He wanted to be the listener, the observer, and for that he couldn’t also be a participant.

Even though he had the keycard, he still rang the bell and waited while Darren grabbed the keycard from his hand and inserted it into the slot. Xiao Zhan had been walking down the hallway to answer the door when it opened, now changed into gray sweats and a black t-shirt after his shower, water droplets still clinging to the tips of his hair.

“Well, you _are_ human after all. For some reason, I imagined you in that suit rocking perfectly coiffed hair walking out of a downpour.” Darren mused, taking in the sight. 

Xiao Zhan laughed at the description, taking the bottles Darren extended. “You brought alcohol.” He looked at Yibo. 

Yibo held his gaze but said nothing else as he walked into the living room.

“I’m a lightweight.” Xiao Zhan admitted out loud and Darren cackled, crashing onto the couch, “I was hoping you would say that.”

“Why?” He asked, walking to the kitchenette to grab a wine opener.

“We are hoping to loosen your tongue and bare your soul and these two bottles come highly recommended for just that purpose.”

“Oh?” Xiao Zhan looked in Yibo’s direction.

Yibo raised an eyebrow.

“Hmm…”

When he came back to the living room and joined Yibo on the couch, he had another bottle with him.

Darren looked at it questioningly. 

“Well, if you’re planning on plying my tongue loose, I’ll have the do the best in return too.”

“It takes a lot to get me drunk.” Darren said.

“Yea, but _you_ hardly require the assistance of a chemical agent to spill your guts.” Xiao Zhan remarked.

“Ohh… so, this is to loosen the tongue of _this_ notoriously tight-lipped gentleman.” Darren looked at Yibo, winking.

“I have nothing to hide.” Yibo said, leaning back on the couch as Darren pulled the cork out of the first bottle.

He felt Xiao Zhan looking in his direction and returned the gaze. 

“See, this is why I have to get you both drunk. Talking with your eyes is fine and dandy, but sometimes words definitely help.”

Darren poured them all a glass - Xiao Zhan did have some wine glasses in the kitchenette - and they waited until at least several sips had been taken before Xiao Zhan asked, “When are you return flights to Beijing?” 

“In three days.” Darren said and Yibo nodded.

“How was it? The shoot?” he asked, sitting back more comfortably now.

“Haven’t you seen any of the reels?” Yibo asked.

Xiao Zhan didn’t answer and Darren laughed out loud. “Of course he has. He has seen at least the parts where I try to get into your pants.”

“I haven’t.” Xiao Zhan answered, smiling.

“Bullshit.” 

“Honest. Not necessarily because I don’t want to, but I would rather wait for them to edit it a bit. It’s going to ruin the cinematic effect if I know how many times you giggled.”

“I don’t know how this guy was back when you were still acting, but Yibo does _not_ crack during a take. He can hold it together no matter what until he hears _Cut_.”

“Sounds about right.” Xiao Zhan agreed. 

“Really?” Darren asked.

“Hmm.”

“As if you remember…” Yibo scoffed, taking another sip.

“How can he forget? I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone adore someone so openly in all my life.” Darren said out loud with his characteristic penchant for stirring the pot.

Xiao Zhan looked at Yibo. This time Yibo didn’t look back, but finished off his glass of wine.

Darren filled it again, although he muttered under his breath afterwards, “Slow down, boy! If you get drunk before he does, how is this going to work in your favor?”

Yibo looked at Darren and then at Xiao Zhan, who was in the process of finishing his glass as well.

“Well, we’re moving this party right along then.” Darren mused, walking over to Xiao Zhan’s side to refill his glass.

“You’re trying to get me to spill something. What is it?” he asked Darren, accepting the refilled glass suspiciously, before once again looking in Yibo’s direction.

Darren shrugged and refilled his own glass as he asked, “Do you destroy paparazzi’s cameras? Or find shit on them for blackmail purposes?” 

“Come again?” Xiao Zhan’s tone was cooler now, his eyes narrowed. 

Yibo stared at him now without looking away as Darren clarified, “There’s some murmurings, you know, that you have no tolerance for people snapping pictures or videos of you without your consent; that you’re rather harsh in your punishment.”

This time Xiao Zhan laughed without humor before taking another sip. “Blackmail? Punishment? That’s all a bit much, don’t you think? Makes me sound like some sort of Yakuza.”

“What would you call it then?” This time it was Yibo who asked.

There was a long pregnant pause and another sip before Xiao Zhan answered, “Newton’s Third Law.”

Yibo tilted his head as Darren spoke into his phone, “Hey Siri, What’s Newton’s Third Law?”

Siri, in her ever-loving thoroughness, started, “Newton’s Laws of Motion are three physical laws that, together, laid the foundation for classical mechanics…”

“Oh dear God, girl, get to it!” Darren complained as Siri continued to list the first and second laws, winding her way down to the last, “And the third asserts that a single isolated force doesn’t exist. Formally stated, Newton’s third law is…”

Yibo had pulled out his phone by then and read out loud now along with Siri, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

He looked up at Xiao Zhan. 

Xiao Zhan stared back, his gaze steady and unperturbed. There was no denial there. No concealment. No evasion. No contrition.

Siri suddenly interrupted with, “Should I continue?”

“No thanks! You did good.” Darren brought his phone close to his face to whisper, afraid to disrupt whatever silent communication was happening between the other two.

xxxxx


	46. Yiling Laozu

“Do you own a gun?” Yibo asked and saw Darren’s head whip around from the periphery of his vision.

“No.” Xiao Zhan answered.

Yibo closed his eyes in hopes that it would settle the alcohol. The line between loosening his inhibitions and muddling his faculties was fine indeed. 

And he tried to think of how Xiao Zhan thought. 

Yibo opened his eyes and tried again, “Do you have access to a gun?”

And this time, there was a pause and another sip from his glass before Xiao Zhan said, “Yes.”

“What the fuck!” Darren interrupted. “Why?” 

Yibo continued as if he had not heard the interruption.

“Have you ever used it?”

“For target practice at a shooting range, yes.”

“Are you any good?”

“I’m not terrible.” 

So, he was good. Hell, Xiao Zhan had gotten pretty decent at shooting arrows at a target; shooting with a gun was a piece of cake in comparison. 

“Ever shot at any humans?”

“No.”

There was a pause as Yibo considered all this, and then he asked, “Do you use it on animals?”

“Oh God no.”

They fell into a brief silence and Darren jumped in.

“I’m lost. Why do you own a gun?”

“I _don’t_ own a gun. We are not _allowed_ to own firearms, remember?” Xiao Zhan glanced over to remind him.

“Right, right. Fuck, I’m confused.”

“You’re not engaged in anything illegal, then?” Yibo asked.

This time Xiao Zhan laughed. “Do I look like someone who would take that risk?”

Darren narrowed his eyes and tilted his head, “Kinda…”

This made Xiao Zhan laugh harder, although he stopped when he looked back at Yibo.

“Well fuck, Xiao Zhan, aren’t you a regular badass?” Darren said, leaning back and drinking.

“Hardly.” Xiao Zhan mused, pressing his lips together in a tight smile.

“What would you call it then?” Yibo asked.

Xiao Zhan lay back against the couch now, sighing. “Damn Yibo, if I knew I was going to get the third degree, I would have slept a bit more before inviting you up.”

“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.” Yibo said, leaning forward to put the now finished glass down.

“Yea, I mean it’s not like we’re dying of curiosity or anything. It’s not like we’ve spent the past two weeks doing exhaustive research on you.” Darren offered his two cents. 

Xiao Zhan’s eyes closed now. 

They sat there in silence for some time, partially because the two glasses of wine were starting to do its job, and when it seemed that Xiao Zhan had fallen asleep, Yibo finally got up from his seat. 

He had not taken two steps before Xiao Zhan opened his eyes and grabbed his hand and pulled, making him stumble onto his lap.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. Ask me anything, I’ll answer. Don’t leave.”

For a moment, Yibo just stared, surprised at the panic in Xiao Zhan’s eyes. “I’m just going to use the bathroom.” He said.

“Oh… of course.” Xiao Zhan let go, shooting a death glare at Darren, who was laughing hysterically.

Yibo smiled that smile of his and Xiao Zhan tightened his hands into fists so that he wouldn’t tackle him to the ground. He was not going embarrass him in front of spectators, no matter that it was Darren.

Once Yibo was gone, Darren settled down from his maniacal laughter and asked, “So, what other badassery have you been practicing?”

Xiao Zhan practically wagged his finger as he said, “Listen you trouble-maker. I am the epitome of stability and security. I hardly have any noteworthy vices; I don’t overindulge in booze, I don’t fuck around, I certainly don’t gamble, and I am great at calculating the risk of any enterprise. So, don’t put ideas in his head.”

“Lack of vices does not equal presence of virtues. Fuck, Donald Trump didn’t drink or smoke and he was the dumbest and scariest amoral motherfucker we have seen in a while.” Darren piped back.

“Are you comparing me to fucking Donald Trump? Of all the motherfuckers to compare someone to!”

“I’m not…” Darren interjected.

By the time Yibo came out of the bathroom, Darren was sprawled out on the couch, eyes half closed.

Yibo could feel his head starting to spin a bit and he stepped into the kitchenette to get some water. 

He opened the fridge and grabbed a can of Sprite that was on the side to put it against his neck. The sensation felt so good that he stood there for a moment, enjoying the condensation seeping into his skin. 

Xiao Zhan had learned the art of walking quietly, but Yibo had bat ears and he closed his eyes as he heard the soft footfalls, sensing it almost like fingers walking up his spine, the spark traveling one vertebra one at a time. By the time he felt the warmth of that body behind him, not touching but just enveloping him, an inch separating skin from skin, all of his nerves were tingling. 

He held still, the can still against his neck. 

Xiao Zhan stood behind him, and Yibo could feel it, the wavering between impulse and control. There was a long moment when neither of them took a breath. And then Xiao Zhan reached in around him to grab a can for himself. 

He didn’t exhale until he heard Xiao Zhan move backwards, keenly feeling the loss of that heat behind him. 

He put the can back and closed the refrigerator door to turn around. “Water?”

Xiao Zhan nodded and grabbed a glass from the cupboard to stick it under the water dispenser off to the side of the refrigerator before stepping back. 

Yibo tilted the glass up to his mouth, feeling Xiao Zhan’s eyes on his lips and then on his adam’s apple. It was not a heated gaze, but an intense one. Like it had all the time in the world to just watch and savor without moving any closer.

He leaned back against the counter and held the glass to his chest. The alcohol that had almost teetered over the edge had settled back into a pleasant buzz now. Just enough. Just enough to…

“Yiling Laozu.” Yibo said finally, looking up.

The can sat unopened in Xiao Zhan’s hand; he did not drink Sprite. 

Yibo wondered why it had taken this long to make the connection.

“This is some strange way of life imitating art, isn’t it?” he asked.

Xiao Zhan’s head tilted in question.

“Wei Wuxian has fully transformed into Yiling Laozu.”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened for a brief moment as he understood, but then raised both eyebrows and smiled as he looked around the penthouse suite with its own brand of understated luxury polishing every surface.

“This is a hell of a Burial Mounds.” He turned to lean his elbow on the counter as he looked at the sleeping form in the living room. “And this Wen Ning is a chatterbox who would not know restraint if it bit him on the behind.” 

He put his chin on the heel of his palm as if in contemplation. “And my Wen Qing… well, minus the medical degree, she is pretty spot on, isn’t she?” His smile dimmed and the set of his mouth seemed grave for a moment, even in profile. “She is the most loyal of all the species in the world. If there were golden cores to be had, I’m sure she would have figured out how to tear one out for me.”

Xiao Zhan straightened from the counter and turned back around, the seriousness now gone from his expression. “Yiling Laozu had a hero complex. I am glad to report that I’m entirely without it.” He grinned, as if he had defined the central contradiction that turned the whole premise into a null hypothesis.

“Although, just like he abandoned Lan Wanji…” Yibo put the glass down, leaving the sentence hanging.

“If I remember correctly, Lan Wanji gave him up first.” 

“He did not.”

“There is an entire episode dedicated to it. Not to mention, a very popular drunken scene in which Lan Wanji quite earnestly says, “I have regrets.” Xiao Zhan was smiling when he turned in Yibo’s direction.

“I do.” Yibo said.

“Hey…” Xiao Zhan called, his expression soft. “I was only kidding.”

Yibo was quiet for a moment. He noticed that Xiao Zhan still made no move to come close to him.

“I guess I should be grateful that it only took you 6 years to reappear rather than 16.”

“Hmm…” Xiao Zhan looked down, extending one foot absently. 

Yibo watched him, that foot turning up and down, up and down.

“When you took this project on, you wanted to sign me, right?” he asked.

Xiao Zhan did not lift his head. But there was a nod.

“You got Yimou so I wouldn’t be able to say no.”

Another nod.

“What would you have done if I still said no?”

The foot stopped. “I would have continued with the project.”

“Of course.” Yibo answered. Even if his presence had been desired, he hadn’t entertained the possibility that his absence would have led to Xiao Zhan abandoning the film. What he had meant was…

“But I would have figured out another project to get you signed.” Xiao Zhan said now, reading his mind.

“And if I refused?” 

This time Xiao Zhan looked up. He tilted his head and raised an eyebrow.

“You trying to figure out how far I would have gone to pull a Mo Xuanyu?”

Yibo shrugged, the hint of a smirk visible on his lips.

“I have a lot of money, Yibo. And the brains to use it effectively. Resourcefully. Strategically. I would have figured out how to draw you to me one way or the other.”

“Well, you certainly have the ego of Yiling Laozu.” 

“You know, now that you say it, I’m starting to warm to this idea.”

“Of being an anarchist with a savior complex and an anger problem?”

“The other part.”

“Which part would that be?”

“Of being the ride or die badass that Lan Wanji fell in love with.”

Yibo scoffed. “Lan Wanji fell in love with an idealistic, mischievous daredevil who made him feel alive.”

Xiao Zhan gave him a look. “Lan Wanji struggled with an ego-dystonic infatuation towards an irreverent rapscallion. He didn’t fall head over heels until that rapscallion turned into the Che Guevara of the Cultivation world.”

“Hmm…” That idea had merit, he had to admit. He turned around to fill his glass with more water.

“You know, I didn’t particularly care for Lan Wanji in the beginning, either in the script or in the novel.”

Yibo turned around, surprised at Xiao Zhan’s admission.

“He was haughty, rigid, dogmatic to the point of boring, not to mention a wooden bark has more expression than his face.”

“Oh, don’t hold back now.” Yibo put his hands up.

“I’m just saying, if he was not as good-looking as he was and didn’t have all that money and status, he would have been the town outcast or that cranky old man who lives alone and gets annoyed with kids.”

“You’ve really put some thought into this.” 

“Hear me out though. When they had difficulty casting for the role, it was for a reason. There was no one who could really play this character well, because there was no one who could play it without a) deviating from the character as written, or b) coming across as just an expressionless doll. Then they cast you and I thought they had made their peace with it. They were hoping to distract from the general lack of appeal of the character by giving the audience precisely what the novel gave.”

Yibo tilted his head in question.

“Lan Wanji hit all the right notes aesthetically to ever be questioned about his failings. You were the perfect counterpart to Wei Wuxian’s hysteria. Cold and gorgeous.”

Yibo pursed his lips, his previous smile gone. He had wondered what Xiao Zhan had thought of him at first. Well, now he knew.

“And then I met you. Like actually met you. I don’t know if you remember that day in the cafeteria.”

As if he could forget. 

“You came across as this arrogant little shit barely able to hide your annoyance at being disturbed from your phone game. And I was thinking that it was going to be a longass four months. Someone had already warned me that you did not warm up easily by any stretch of the imagination. And I remember wondering why _I_ had to work so hard to win you over. You were the younger one, shouldn’t someone be advising you to come over and win _me_ over?”

“I’m sure Paige did.” Yibo said, smiling.

Xiao Zhan smiled back. “But then when I met you and you were sitting there with that ‘I can’t be bothered’ expression of yours, I said to hell with it. And I cracked that joke, remember? Something stupid, I think.”

“You said everyone seemed to be avoiding me, leaving plenty of seating options for you.”

Xiao Zhan paused now, eyes widening. “You remember?”

Yibo nodded. 

“And you gave it back as good as you got and I remember being surprised. Surprised that you were only 20. Surprised that you had allowed me to sit there.” There was a wide grin now as Xiao Zhan remembered.

“It must have been the smile.” Yibo said absently, watching that smile now.

The smile widened, doing silly things to his insides.

“I remember being curious then, curious about how this hot kid with a chip on his shoulder was going to handle someone as difficult as Lan Wanji.” 

“And?” Yibo asked.

Xiao Zhan took that can of Sprite in his hand now, leaving a solid water ring on the counter, and tilted it back and forth and back and forth.

“I have watched it so many times now, the entire series.” He began, tipping the can back and forth as he formed his thoughts into words. “Wei Wuxian is like a summer blockbuster, loud and in your face and all over you. It’s a thrill ride and incredible and then it’s over and you move on.”

Yibo waited.

“Your Lan Wanji is like that cult movie. It doesn’t make a huge impression at first, drowned out by the blockbuster, but then it sort of starts to seep into your skin, your bones, your viscera, your soul. And it stays with you, five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, and you go back to it again and again to find something new. This look here, that gaze there, the slight shake of the head, the hesitant widening of the eyes, the slight crack to the voice, the eyes, the eyes, the eyes…” Xiao Zhan stopped, looking up, seeming to suddenly remember that Yibo was there in front of him. 

He widened his eyes and absently opened the tab of the can, the Sprite shooting up, spraying all over his hair and face and shirt. 

And Yibo was on him in the next moment, pulling at the wet shirt with his hands, fingers running over the syrupy bubbles on his neck, mouth grasping at the cool sweetness on his lips. 

“Oh fuck, I missed you.” He heard Xiao Zhan’s husky whisper in his ear and tried not to moan as he pressed his body even closer, his skin on fire. 

Those fingers were roaming under his shirt, up his back, impatient and seeking, making his spine arch. 

“Me too…” he whispered back. 

xxx


	47. Agent of Chaos

When they came out of the bathroom after the second shower in less than two hours, Darren was in the kitchen. On the floor. 

“What happened?” Xiao Zhan kneeled down next to him and heard Yibo laugh his gremlin laugh in the back. 

“Shut up asshole.” Darren said, looking up, trying to move but then groaning and putting a hand on his bum.

“Fuck, you really hurt?” Yibo stopped toweling his hair and crouched down.

“Why is there… is this Sprite?” Darren sniffed. “All over the floor?” Then a pause. And then his eyes widened comically as he gasped, looking back and forth between the two freshly showered men next to him. “Oh. My. God. Did I miss live gay porn in the kitchen?” he looked around him. “Is this just Sprite or do you both have magical jizz?” he sniffed again.

“You’re ridiculous.” Yibo said, taking one of Darren’s arms and putting it around his neck. Xiao Zhan did the same with the other hand. They looked at each other and nodded before they both straightened.

“Fuck fuck fuck.” Darren said as he straightened with them. 

“Where does it hurt?” Xiao Zhan asked. 

“I cannot even fucking believe I missed kitchen porn. Or was it bathroom porn? Or was it both? How long was I asleep? What time is it anyway?”

“It’s like 9:00, I think. You hungry?” Xiao Zhan asked.

“Are you trying to distract me with food? You think I’m going to forget the porn?”

“He is a good cook.” Yibo said. “At least he used to be.” He said as an afterthought, looking at Xiao Zhan. “You think you can fit it in now between trotting the globe, threatening paparazzi, and shooting with guns you don’t own?”

Darren drew back. Yibo had a smirk on his face that made him look ten years younger. In fact, everything about him looked ten years younger.

“You gonna let him talk to you like that?” He turned in Xiao Zhan’s direction. Xiao Zhan, who was now biting on the inside of his lower lip to keep from… smiling?

“Okay, that must have been some good fucking sex I missed. I have the worst luck, motherfucker!”

“We did not have sex in the kitchen, Jezus!” Yibo said, looking back at Darren in exasperation. “But your fixation makes it clear that you need to get laid, my friend.”

“I agree. You want to volunteer this gentleman for the job?” Darren winked and gestured in Xiao Zhan’s direction. “Because I hear he lays the pipe so well, you age back ten years.”

Yibo’s ears turned pink and Darren laughed.

“Fuck Xiao Zhan. I should’ve seduced you well and good while I had my chance.”

“You should have.” Yibo said, earning a pinch on his side from Xiao Zhan behind Darren’s back.

He bit his lips so he wouldn’t yelp and refused to look in Xiao Zhan’s direction, although now his neck was flushed too. Damn his transparent skin.

“If you’re done talking about my cooking and bedding skills?” Xiao Zhan looked at Darren, who just smiled widely.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

Darren nodded. 

Yibo felt a tap on his waist, under his shirt, and looked in Xiao Zhan’s direction. An eyebrow was up in question. 

He nodded, even though he wasn’t really hungry. 

“You think you can manage with just Yibo?” Xiao Zhan asked Darren. 

Darren nodded, easing his hand off of Xiao Zhan’s shoulder, allowing Yibo to take on more weight. 

“Where exactly does it hurt?” Yibo asked, walking with Darren back into the living room.

“My bum.” Darren pouted and lay his head on Yibo’s shoulder, not a very successful attempt as he was two inches taller. 

Just after he helped Darren to the couch, the doorbell rang.

He looked into the kitchen at Xiao Zhan who had just put a pot on the stove. 

His expression said he didn’t know who it was, although he walked down the hallway to get the door.

“Hey! Everything ok?” he heard Xiao Zhan’s voice and then some murmurings and within a few moments, Lisa was walking down the hall. She seemed surprised when she turned into the living room and saw the company there.

“Oh hey! I didn’t realize you guys were here.” She said, pausing for a moment, looking back at Xiao Zhan. 

“If you both have work to get to…” Yibo started, but Lisa waved it off. “No no, nothing important. I can come back another time.” She said, starting to walk back. 

“Stay. I’m cooking.” Xiao Zhan said from the kitchen, stopping her in her tracks. 

“Oh? What’re you making?” 

“Just some egg noodles with whatever else is in the fridge? That ok?” he asked and she nodded, smiling as she took off her heels and walked into the room.

Yibo watched her as she made her way to the couch. 

Xiao Zhan’s Wen Qing. 

The one he considered the _Most Loyal of All the Species in the World_. 

Even the gallons of vinegar he added to his food on a daily basis did not taste as bitter as what he was drinking right now.

“Xiao Zhan’s right hand. Do come in, do come in.” Darren was exclaiming loudly now, gesturing to the couch next to his recliner. “Excuse me, but I just fell on my ass. I’m ok though.”

Lisa laughed that musical laugh of hers as she sat down, extending her shapely legs and massaging her calf, sighing. 

“Were you with Xiao Zhan for the past two weeks as he took off to visit the sultan and eat Singapore noodles and bake in the island sun?” Darren asked, gesturing for Yibo with his wine glass.

Yibo rolled his eyes as he walked to the kitchen to get another wine glass for Lisa who was telling Darren that they did not eat Singapore noodles in Malaysia, but not for lack of trying. 

“You would think this was his suite.” Yibo muttered as he opened the cupboard to get another wine glass.

He heard Xiao Zhan laugh behind him. “You have to admit, there is never a dull moment with him around.” His voice was right behind him and Yibo held still, waiting. 

“So I guess my dick can make you age backwards by 10 years?” this was a whisper. 

Yibo pursed his lips and tried not to smile.

“Try not to go full Benjamin Button on me, ok?” he felt a finger rake up the small of his back gently and then Xiao Zhan was gone. 

He waited until he heard the ladle stirring in the pot before he turned around with Lisa’s wine glass, grabbing another wine bottle from the counter, although there was still one left over in the living room.

When he got back, Darren was already in the process of talking Lisa’s ears off.

She may not be a threat sexually, but in every other way, Xiao Zhan was more hers and he will ever be his. Yibo shook his head out of the weird thoughts and wondered if sex had made his brain regress to a less evolved life form.

Lisa was done with Malaysia by now and was onto Abu Dhabi. Something about a spat between members of the royal family over some salacious affair that had garnered negative press. There were multiple members involved and Xiao Zhan’s public relations firm had been hired by a neutral member of the family to fix the mess. They did not mind footing the bill for all the country hopping that Xiao Zhan had to do to chase down all the involved parties and reach a resolution for the public face of the mess. It was about as VIP as clients could get, and for such messes, the meetings were always managed by Xiao Zhan and Lisa personally rather than anyone else from the firm. 

“I have met my fair share of rich people, but the entitlement of the royals – it doesn’t matter what country they are from – that’s a league unto its own.” She said to Darren, nodding her thanks to Yibo as he poured her the glass of wine. 

“So you’re really not involved in anything illegal?” Darren asked and Yibo wondered how he had ever found out any information from anyone before he met Darren. The dude got right to the heart of the matter, decorum and pleasantry be damned. 

Lisa almost spit out her wine, choking in the effort to control it and Xiao Zhan called out from the kitchen to see if she was ok.

“Yea” she called out. “You know your star actors think your business empire is not quite kosher, Xiao Zhan.”

“Yea, they think I’m shady as fuck.” Xiao Zhan yelled out.

Darren winked and grinned at Yibo, quite proud of himself for openly airing suspicions about their bosses.

Lisa looked at Yibo for a moment and noticed that he was not smiling. She stopped smiling as well. “No, of course not. Nothing illegal. It’s just knowing what to invest in and when. Who to accept as clients to minimize liability and headache. Projecting out the industries that have viability in the long term when deciding how to expand. And you know, good ol’ sweat and hard work. It doesn’t hurt to have a highly obsessive workaholic boss.” She finished, raising her glass in salute to the kitchen. Xiao Zhan’s skillet was going full throttle now and his attention was absorbed, no longer paying attention to them.

“Whew!” Darren said dramatically and sunk back against the recliner. “He is too beautiful to be corrupt.”

“Oh, you can be corrupt and entirely legal with no problem. The same as you can be a full Robin Hood and be on the wrong side of the law.” Lisa mused, smiling. 

Yibo grabbed his own glass and refilled it as Darren asked, “So you’re saying he is legal and corrupt?”

Lisa laughed now and shook her head. “More like, if he were to do anything that was less than legal, there would be sufficient moral reasoning behind it. Although, of course, it _is_ Xiao Zhan. He would find a country to do it in where it was not illegal.” 

Darren laughed. Yibo just watched her. Until she turned in his direction, her smile fading. “He is careful though. Risk averse. He’s been through enough to know that credibility is everything in any business. He is good at thinking several steps beyond everybody else is all.” 

“So how long has he been thinking of trapping this guy in his net?” Darren asked, winking when Lisa looked at him in surprise.

She laughed. When Darren didn’t, she stopped laughing. “That’s a joke, right?”

Darren drew his eyebrows together. 

Lisa glanced at Yibo and he saw her swallow with difficulty before she said, “Yibo has a boyfriend.” 

“No, he doesn’t.” Darren said, his face taking a serious turn for once.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” She asked Darren, keeping her eyes on Yibo. 

There was a brief moment when Yibo thought that he didn’t want to hear what came after this.

“If you think I’m saying that your boss over there is head over heels for this guy, then yea, that’s definitely what I’m saying.” 

“Yes, yes, he’s always been like that for Yibo, but that doesn’t change anything.” She said, briefly glancing back towards the kitchen where Xiao Zhan’s back was turned to them as he foraged for something in the cupboards.

“What doesn’t it change?” Darren asked. 

Yibo felt that old feeling of ice starting at the tips of his fingers and toes.

“They can’t really be together, you know.” She said, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Fuck, I can’t have this conversation. What the fuck am I even saying?” she opened her eyes again, training her gaze on Yibo. “You know you can’t really be with him, right Yibo?”

Yibo didn’t know if he could have spoken if he tried.

“Why not?” Darren asked, sitting up.

Lisa looked back again, her eyes widening now. Yibo and Darren both looked back to the kitchen to see that they finally had Xiao Zhan’s attention.

“Don’t say it.” He said, his voice quiet but steely.

“You don’t think he should know?” she asked, standing up.

Xiao Zhan just watched her, his eyes cold.

She tipped back the entire contents of her glass and put it down before straightening back again. “That tactic may work with everyone else, but it doesn’t work on me, Xiao Zhan.”

“He needs to know what he is getting into if indeed you’ve decided to bring him into it.”

Yibo looked at Xiao Zhan and for a moment Xiao Zhan’s gaze turned vulnerable, but then it was back on Lisa.

“Why do you think I threatened you with a restraining order, Yibo? Why do you think he cut you off for all these years? You think he was so flighty in his affections or so insanely stubborn that he would have never forgiven you for whatever you did to him during that quarantine?”

“Lisa!” they heard from the kitchen.

Yibo looked in Xiao Zhan’s direction briefly before turning back to Lisa.

“Why?” he asked.

“You made him physically sick.”

“Stop!” Darren and Xiao Zhan said at the same time.

“Oh, I didn’t mean that as a euphemism. I meant that quite literally.”

Darren looked like he was going to say something, but Yibo put a hand up.

“You mean his panic attacks.” He said, looking at Lisa.

“Oh, he told you?” She looked taken aback for a moment.

Yibo nodded, but then added, “Although not all of it, evidently. What do you mean, I made him sick?”

“Lisa, please don’t.” Xiao Zhan said.

Yibo shook his head now, looking at Xiao Zhan. “It’s too late now. She has to say all of it.”

Lisa’s eyes turned sad for a moment, as if she could see how this was all tumbling down. “You were the number one trigger, Yibo. Seeing you on tv, hearing your voice, getting your texts, anything related to you really. And that day when you approached him at that award show, he had such a bad attack in the car that I thought he would have to be hospitalized.”

“That makes no sense. He hasn’t had anything like that here in all the time that we have been with him.” Darren remarked, limping his way over to Yibo’s side.

“Well, he has had eons of treatment. The triggers have changed over the years. Most of the old ones have gone away and he rarely has them anymore. But it’s one thing to have no panic attacks being around Yibo for a few months and another thing entirely to think of a long-term relationship with someone who used to literally incapacitate you.” She said.

“Alright, you’ve said enough.” Xiao Zhan said, walking over from the kitchen now. 

“I know, I’m sorry Yibo. He would have never told you. You are and always will be his weakness, in every way, it seems. Even if you haven’t triggered any panic attacks yet, how can you be sure it won’t happen in the future?”

Yibo thought he squeezed his fingers, but he couldn’t really feel them. The coldness was all over him now. He needed to leave before he did something silly like pass out from numbness.

And he did. He turned around and walked out of Xiao Zhan’s hotel room, leaving behind the noises there that he wasn’t sure he could hear even if he tried.

xxxxx


	48. Chains & Shackles

He laid awake all night after Xiao Zhan left. There was a sort of desperation that he had recognized inside him that had been growing steadily for the past two weeks. Maybe it had been there for a while now, although never to this degree. And at some point last week, he had realized that he was alone in it. 

It was evident that Xiao Zhan liked him. He seemed to enjoy the sex a great deal too. But he didn’t know if it was the earthshattering spectacle that it was for himself. He didn’t have any frame of reference for how to rate the sex. It felt like the pinnacle of all pleasure to him, but then again, was sex always like this for everyone else? Yibo didn’t know if what they shared – other than the somewhat novelty factor of being his first in everything – was anything more significant than a pleasant interlude for Xiao Zhan while they waited out the shutdown. 

When he had showed up at Xiao Zhan’s apartment three weeks ago, he had never thought of the possibility that he was going to fall into this trap. All those silly love songs about love hurting and all that bullshit made so much more sense now. He had always wondered how love was supposed to feel great and hurt at the same time; well, he had figured that shit out now. 

His stupid sappy comments to Xiao Zhan had been getting more and more frequent as of late, and while Xiao Zhan acknowledged those comments and didn’t really like hearing them, Yibo had also noticed that he didn’t necessarily say anything like that in return. Given how alone they were with each other, it wasn’t even like he could distract himself with other things. Video games had lost their appeal. He couldn’t really focus on any tv shows, even the silly shit that used to make him laugh before. 

Even if this had all started on Xiao Zhan’s end, the scale had definitely tipped in the other direction over the past two years and Yibo knew that he had fallen way deeper than Xiao Zhan had. Once again, his lack of experience was doing him no favors. And while it hadn’t bothered him before, he was starting to think that he would have not even an ounce of self-preservation left by the time this quarantine got over. And then, all those whisperings that people made about him, about how besotted he was with Xiao Zhan – whisperings that hadn’t really bothered him before – would become painful. 

If last year’s trajectory was any indication, Xiao Zhan would only get busier and Yibo wondered how he would deal once Xiao Zhan’s texts became fewer and less frequent. How he would deal with only getting to see him on television just like everyone else. He knew himself enough to know he was the jealous and possessive type even unromantically, so he wondered how much worse he would be if all of his best and worst feelings were focused on the same person. He wondered if Xiao Zhan would let him down gently or just let their relationship peter off and hope that Yibo didn’t turn out to be too much of a bother. He wondered if he would just go batshit crazy and Paige would be left with a completely insane idiot on her hands when all was said and done. 

When he finally got out of bed at 5 and pulled on a black hoodie and sweats and dragged his carry-on out of Xiao Zhan’s guest room, he was half hoping that by some miracle Xiao Zhan would be awake. That maybe he hadn’t been able to sleep either, but there was no peep out of Xiao Zhan’s bedroom. He walked through the balcony and the kitchen one last time like the cheesy fool that he was before finally dragging his carry-on through the hallway and out the door. Singer was waiting for him downstairs and took his carry-on, but Yibo did not dare to make eye-contact, feeling like he would cry if he saw the older man’s kind gaze. 

When he got back to his flat, he crashed onto the bed in a stupor and lay there sleepless and rest-deprived for hours, looking at the shadows of the day making patterns on the blinds. He didn’t hear from Xiao Zhan either that day or even the day after and he became all the more certain that he was alone in his desperation. It took about 24 hours before he realized he had been crying. The pillow was wet, drenched really, and his eyes were puffy and swollen. He managed to get out of the bed to use the bathroom, but found that the effort cost him a lot more than he had reserves for. He didn’t charge his phone and it died at some point. By the time he plugged it in, another day had passed. He hadn’t eaten since leaving Xiao Zhan’s, but he still couldn’t feel any hunger. When he finally turned his phone back on, there were too many messages to count, most of them from Paige, and he lay back on the pillow again. He managed to look at the last one that was from her threatening to come over if he didn’t text her back immediately. He managed to text her back that he was ok, but she was calling him a second after the text went through. 

He had picked up and was talking to her when Xiao Zhan’s text came through. It asked whether he had gotten home. So polite and nice. He replied ‘yes’ and lay back down. At some point he knew that Paige came over, although by then he was practically delirious. She had gotten some take-out and had to essentially feed him in bed as he refused to get out of it. Afterwards, she told him he smelled godawful and that if he didn’t step into the shower post-haste, she would be forced to drag him there herself. And so he took himself to the shower and stood there in the steam for a good half hour until he almost passed out. 

Paige toweled his hair dry, grumbling all the while that he was making up for all those years of no scandals by falling into the pits of infatuation hell and that she had half a mind to call Lisa up and threaten to press suit over Xiao Zhan subjecting her client to undue distress, she didn’t care how popular wide-eyed Bambi had gotten over the last year. Yibo got back into bed after the shower and Paige let him, working away on her laptop in his living room. 

“You think I’m going to be okay?” he asked when she came to check in on him later. “You think people die from this sort of thing?” 

Paige got on the bed with him and pulled his head onto her lap, brushing back his hair. “Oh honey, this is a rite of passage. You haven’t really lived until some charming asshole breaks your heart into a million pieces with his million-watt smile. I had just counted on you being the heart-breaker, not the heart-broken.” She kept brushing back his hair while tears kept on seeping out of the corner of his eyes. After a while, she said, “First time is always hard. But you’re young. You’ll forget him soon enough.” 

He asked again, quite earnestly, “You think so? You think I’ll forget?” 

“Of course.” She assured him. 

He wanted to believe her.

So did she.

xxxxxx

He had made it all the way down the hallway, the old memories surging back like a tidal wave. The weakness all over his body, the hunger, the fatigue, the despair all returning as if it had all happened yesterday rather than six years ago. Just after he turned into the stairwell, though, another memory rose in his head.

 _It’s not all about_ You _._ You _think you feel more than me._ You _think you won’t feel like this again._ You _think you can’t move on and I can._ You _don’t like saying goodbye. Jeez, did you even think about me once? What am I, some sort of puppet with no feelings?_

He stopped on the first step down.

And then it was his own voice in his head. 

_Breathe, sweetheart._

_Zhang Ge…_

_Can you hear me? I’m right here._

_Can you feel me? I’m holding you, kissing you… come back._

_Come back to me._

And he felt like his own voice was mocking him. 

How could Xiao Zhan come back to him when he was the one who kept walking away.

And then he was running. Running back to fix the mistake that he had made all those years ago. The day he left had also been the day that Xiao Zhan’s world had descended into hell. And while not all blame lay at his feet, at least some of it definitely did. 

He crashed into Darren just as he opened the door to Xiao Zhan’s suite.

“Fuck Yibo. How could you leave like that?” Darren said without preamble. 

“Where is he?” he asked, pushing past Darren into the room.

Lisa was standing outside Xiao Zhan’s bedroom, the door now closed.

She looked over when she heard the commotion and her eyes widened when she saw that it was him.

“You’re back!”

He walked over to her side, keeping his eyes on her the whole time. 

Her eyes filled and when he was within reaching distance, she pulled his hand into hers. 

“I’m so sorry.” She said, squeezing it once, before turning her to the door again. She took a deep breath and was about to knock when Yibo squeezed her hand. She stopped and looked at him.

He nodded once and then turned to the door. 

“Zhan Ge.” he called, quietly. 

There was no answer for a few long moments. He looked at Lisa and then at Darren and noticed that they were both holding their collective breaths.

He wanted to knock the door down, but wasn’t sure if Xiao Zhan really did want to see him at the moment. Maybe seeing him again would bring on another panic attack, all the ones that had been dormant all these months. Maybe he had retraumatized him once again by leaving. He felt dizzy then. He would never forgive himself if he had done that.

The door opening was so sudden that he reared back. But then he was rushing in, closing the door behind him and locking it. 

Xiao Zhan was behind the door, holding onto the knob, his eyes vacant. 

Yibo’s arms wrapped around Xiao Zhan, pulling him close, his fingers climbing into his hair as he whispered into his ear, “Do you know that day when I left, I stayed in bed for three days. I didn’t eat, didn’t shower, didn’t do anything until Paige came over. I really thought I was going to die. Honest to God. I had left you because I didn’t think you felt anything like I felt and then once I was away, I thought it was better to have stayed to have whatever you could give. I was coming back to you that day, but by the time I got there, you were already gone, Zhan ge. And you didn’t come back for six years.” He paused, squeezed his eyes to clear them and spoke again, “But you came back with all the artillery in the world, Zhan ge. Didn’t you say you would do anything to bring me back to you? After all that, are you really going to let me walk away that easily?”

He felt Xiao Zhan sink back against the door and followed with his hold tightening around him. 

“You know I have no shame where you are concerned. No shame, no boundaries, no threshold, no self-preservation.” 

The hands that had been idle until then moved towards Yibo’s hips. It was not a hold as much as it was a touch. It was enough for now. At least something to anchor him.

 _Anchor_. That’s right. He needed to ground Xiao Zhan. Ground him in the present. Bring him back from the past. 

“You fucked me in this very room just two hours ago. Made me beg for it really. Because you like that now. You like knowing how much I want you, how much I need you. You get off on that. And because that wasn’t enough, you fucked me again on the bathroom counter. You want all of me to be filled with you, don’t you? So you won’t have to feel this way again. This fear. This helplessness.” He paused and took a deep breath before he asked, “Do you want to chain me up too? Put a gag in my mouth?”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes darted suddenly as his arms went around him.

“No?”

The head shook, the eyes starting to become alert. 

“Choke me a little?” he asked, pushing on.

This time he saw the nostrils flare as the head shook again. Anger?

“Don’t you want to hurt me for all those times when you couldn’t breathe because of me?” he knew he was in dangerous territory now. He was nobody’s therapist and this was shit he had no business poking at. But he was helpless too. Wondering if his head would always be slipping into worries that something about him would cause the love of his life to splinter and fall apart. And he needed to remind him that he was strong. 

“Where is the Chenqing to control your demons?” he asked, burying his face against that neck that was no longer cold, but actually quite warm. 

He felt Xiao Zhan’s arms tighten almost painfully around his ribs as he heard, “You can walk away if you want to, Yibo.” 

He froze at those words, feeling the old coldness again, but it took him a moment to realize that those words were not at all congruent with the hold around him.

In fact, at that moment, Xiao Zhan turned him around, back against the wall, pressing into him, and locking him in with his body. But the words whispered against his neck were, “I won’t fall apart just because you leave again.” 

“No?” he asked, tilting his head back as he felt the scrape of teeth against his neck. 

“No. You can go off to anywhere you want. For as long as you want. I don’t need you to stay because you think I’ll go crazy if you left again.”

There was a hard nip into the curve of his neck and he caught his breath, his fingers digging into those shoulder blades that felt like iron under his touch.

“You won’t?” he asked, trying to focus on the words.

“No.”

“You’re not worried I’ll send you into some sort of a tailspin if I stay?” 

“You can do whatever you want.”

“Suibian?” he asked.

That mouth paused against his neck now, and after a moment, he heard, “You trying to be cute?”

He tugged at the back of Xiao Zhan’s long hair lightly as he answered, “You know Lan Wanji has always been more partial to the sword than the flute.”

“But Wang Yibo wanted to take Chenqing home after the shoot was over.”

“Well, your lips had been all over it, hadn’t it?” 

And this time, Xiao Zhan pulled back to look at him, those lips quirking up a little.

Yibo finally felt some warmth return to his fingers and inconspicuously flexed and extended them in turn.

The knots inside his chest were still wound tight and he asked, holding those eyes carefully.

“You okay?” 

There was a brief pause as if Xiao Zhan was checking the status of this, and then a nod. “Thank you for coming back.” He added, his voice earnest, and Yibo threw his arms around his neck, feeling as if someone had cut all the coils inside at once. 

“She gets a little too protective of me sometimes. Poor thing, for a long time, it was a burden that she had to keep to herself. I think the dam must have just burst from all the years of pressure.” Xiao Zhan hugged him tightly as he said.

“Well, if not for her, I would never know.” He said in return, although he didn’t add that Lisa was likely a bit threatened by him too. It would be hard to let any part of Xiao Zhan go that had been yours for so long. He was just glad he was not drinking the vinegar by himself.

“She is right, you know. How do you know that I won’t make you have another panic attack?” Yibo asked, needing this question to be addressed before anything else.

“You were not the most intense trigger in the beginning, Yibo. Getting out of the house was. Then seeing a microphone, then logging onto any social media, then seeing any groups of fans, hearing the word fanfiction, there were a long list of shit that I had to get used to again without my heart threatening to collapse. I got over them all because I had to. There was no choice. With you, I had a choice. There was too much going on in the beginning to try to repair a broken heart. It was just easier to cut you off. It was enough of a chore just getting through the terror of just day to day stuff without adding anger and sadness to the mix.”

“I honestly didn’t think you were that serious about us.” Yibo interrupted now. He had to say it. He knew words would never explain everything he had felt back then, but he had to at least try to let Xiao Zhan know why he had left. “I was the one with no experience. So I had nothing to compare my feelings to, although for me it seemed really like it couldn’t get any better than that. But you were different. Not at all like how you are now.”

“And how am I now?”

“Possessive. Desperate for me.”

“And that is good?”

Yibo tilted his head as he considered this.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that’s a good look on everyone. But you. You were never like that before. While I was very much so. At least in my head, I was. But then after those weeks, I was thinking that I would be like that in real life too. Make claims on you just because you know….” He gestured with his hands.

“It was more than just sex for me.” Xiao Zhan said.

“Yea, I know. But still not crazy in love like I was. You know it’s true.” 

Xiao Zhan didn’t refute it. But he said, “It didn’t feel that desperate until you were gone. And even then, I was more angry than anything else that you would do that. But then when you didn’t even text by the third day, I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. It was a solid day of heartbreak city before I got drunk and called you out on it. But then you know, shit hit the fan in a very different way. And I thought I closed your chapter for good.” He sighed and tugged at Yibo’s hair gently as he said, “It still took me a few years to figure out that I couldn’t really date. I had no interest in sex either. It would have been good if all I felt for you was aversion. My doctor had told me that smells were sometimes the most difficult triggers to get rid of and the one that sometimes brings the most intense sort of flashbacks. So, it was all the more strange that despite all my other hang-ups about you, smelling that damn cologne of yours was the only thing that got me hard.” He paused now and buried his nose into the slope of Yibo’s neck. “Fuck, even the cologne has nothing on the real thing.” 

“That tickles.” 

“I’m glad this is the one thing that escaped whatever association my brain had made between you and panic. Because I doubt smell would have been as amenable to desensitization as sight.”

“What if I changed cologne? Would it still drive you nuts?” Yibo asked, his eyes sliding shut as pleasure shot through him when Xiao Zhan’s tongue swiped just below his ear.

“I don’t think it’s the cologne that drives me crazy.” 

A few nibbles followed down the line of his neck and just before he lost his concentration fully, Yibo asked, “Why didn’t you just cut me off for good? Wouldn’t it have been easier?” 

“Didn’t I tell you already? At some point during the past three years, I finally had to acknowledge that Wang Yibo had ruined me for everyone else. And figure out how to get over the biggest cockblocker of them all, my brain.”

“Hmm… so really, you just missed the ass.” He wiggled in Xiao Zhan’s arms.

“The ass _and_ the cock.” That earned a hit on his arm. “But also this…” Xiao Zhan’s lips gently sucked on his adam’s apple “and this” he sucked on his lower lip, grazing his tongue, then a pause before that gaze traveled up. “Most of all, I missed these eyes.” 

Yibo returned the gaze for a long moment before its intensity made him shutter his own. “Even this has changed. You could never look at me this intensely before.” He whispered.

“Well, being away from you all these years has made me realize that I want to look as much as I want, touch as much as I want, keep you near me as much as I want…”

“You sure that’s not a power kink you have?” Yibo asked.

Xiao Zhan’s eyes narrowed for a moment before he turned Yibo around, flat against the wall.

In the next instant, his hand was inside Yibo’s pants, palm hard and warm as it grasped his cock.

“Fuck!” Yibo said, biting into his forearm at how quickly that had come about. 

“I distinctly remember someone asking me something about chains and gags. Have _you_ picked up some kinks that I should know about?”

He couldn’t answer as Xiao Zhan continued to pump him up and down.

“You don’t want to be chained up, baby?”

Yibo shook his head.

“You don’t want be gagged or choked?” 

He shook his head again.

“What do you want then?”

“A different sort of shackle…” he gasped out.

xxxx


	49. The Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to this when I wrote this chapter, if you are into this kinda thing:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7olk9TO7kI

Wang Yibo has a secret.

It takes about a year of essentially living together – at one of their places if both are in town – before Xiao Zhan finally arrives at this conclusion definitively. 

Initially he thought that it was a one-off thing. During the first six months after _Liminal Spaces_ wrapped, Yibo had started another movie almost immediately afterwards and had been gone for weeks at a time. He himself had had multiple business trips out of the country for weeks at a time. Thus it took about six months before he established that no, it was not a one-off sort of thing. It was definitely a thing. But was there a pattern to this thing? For the last six months, he had shortened his business trips as Yibo’s shoots had become mostly local. The more they were together, the less it happened, and thus it took Xiao Zhan another four or five months to become 99% sure that it’s a solidly definite thing.

The thing that makes it a secret is that Yibo is frequently asleep when it’s happening. At least he is asleep when it _starts_ happening, but Xiao Zhan hadn’t known that in the beginning. He had assumed that Yibo had been awake. The first time it happened, Xiao Zhan had been sitting on the sofa next to the bed with his laptop, proofing a contract. Yibo had fallen asleep a couple of hours earlier and Xiao Zhan hadn’t wanted to disturb him by being on the bed with the open laptop. It had been a bit after midnight when he had heard a noise and had looked over to the bed to see Yibo awake, his eyes half-lidded, mouth open with his tongue making love to that full lower lip, his body a sinuous bundle of want, his hands running down his chest, at times lingering on those little buds that tightened up to make him moan, the fingers running down the ridges on his belly before disappearing into the waistband of his shorts. Xiao Zhan had watched, first too dumbstruck and then too hard, his mouth as dry as the Sahara, as Yibo brought his dick out to stroke himself up and down slowly as if to the beat of some sex music only he heard in his head. He had been so hypnotized by the whole thing that it had startled him a bit when he heard Yibo come by calling out, “Zhan Ge”. Yibo’s eyes had closed afterwards and he was once again as he was before and it only struck Xiao Zhan then that Yibo had never actually turned in the direction of the sofa. He had sat on the sofa for another twenty minutes just watching Yibo. He remained asleep. Eventually, he had set aside his laptop and had climbed onto the bed, grabbing Yibo to him, his dick still painfully hard from the images of Yibo pleasuring himself. He had kissed him and Yibo had actually woken up, enthusiastically responding to his caresses as if he had not come just a half hour earlier. Xiao Zhan had removed Yibo’s sticky shorts before he had noticed their state.

The second time it happened had been more than three months later. He had been in bed already and Yibo had turned to him, taking his hand and sliding it down his chest and belly before guiding it down to his dick, whispering, “ah… fuck…” He had been more than happy to oblige, grasping him firmly as he climbed on top of him, burying his mouth against his neck. “Zhan Ge…” he had heard a few minutes later, Yibo’s voice sounding different, and Xiao Zhan had pulled back to look. Yibo had seemed surprised to find Xiao Zhan on top of him, although pleasantly so it seemed, as he had pulled his head back down against his neck whispering to him to not stop. Xiao Zhan had not, but in the back of his head he had been tripped up by his uncertainty about how to tell when Yibo was awake and when he wasn’t fully so.

The third time it happened, Yibo had returned from a two-month trip out of country for a shoot and while Xiao Zhan had flown to the location of the shoot once, he had only stayed for a few hours visit, not wanting to get too much in the way, not to mention, it had only been an extended lay-over for him in the midst of one of his own trips. Once the shoot was over, Yibo had come to Xiao Zhan’s place straight from the airport, eating a quick dinner that had been left in the fridge for him and falling asleep before Xiao Zhan had gotten home. When he finally did after ten that night, Xiao Zhan had gone in to check in on Yibo first, shrugging out of his suit jacket as he leaned down to drop a kiss on his hair. Yibo had opened his eyes then. Xiao Zhan’s tie had still been on, and Yibo had pulled on it, dragging him down to bed. He hadn’t needed much more encouragement and Yibo had been frantic, practically tearing the buttons off his shirt in his eagerness to get it off of him. He had started to loosen his tie but Yibo had pulled his hand off, whispering, “leave it on.” He had pulled off all of his own clothes in less than a second and when he had pulled Xiao Zhan back on top of him, the tie hanging down had dragged over his hard length, and he had groaned and started to leak. Xiao Zhan’s head had almost combusted at the sight. He should have seen the cloudiness in Yibo’s gaze, but he had been too consumed with lust to really see it until Yibo said his name when his hand had started to work him up and down. He had looked up, startled, Yibo’s voice suddenly sounding more alert than before when he had asked him to leave the tie on. Rather than seeming distressed to find Xiao Zhan on top of him, Yibo had eagerly pulled him closer, whispering, “Fuck, I missed you so much. My dick has been hard every night thinking of you.” He had been too far gone in the moment to make sense of the sequence of events. And the next morning, he had had to leave early for work and when he came back home that night, Yibo had climbed onto his lap to straddle him in the living room, and then his mind had been too preoccupied by fucking the sexiest thing alive to think of certain somnolescent carnal activities that required further investigation. 

Once they were together on a more consistent basis and most nights involved some form of sex and cuddling before falling asleep, Yibo tended to sleep through the night. And thus, the matter receded to the backburner until Xiao Zhan went away for a week-long business trip. Yibo had gone back to his place for the week. Xiao Zhan had returned a day earlier than anticipated and had taken his car to Yibo’s flat straight from the airport, hoping to surprise him. It had been a surprise indeed, for the both of them. Yibo had smiled that smile of his when he opened the door and saw him standing there, the one that still gave Xiao Zhan butterflies even after nine years, leaning up to whisper, “I missed you too.” 

Xiao Zhan was in the middle of taking off his shoes when he noticed the other pair of shoes there that were not Yibo’s. “Mark stopped by, by the way.” Yibo said then, pulling in Xiao Zhan’s carry-on. 

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow in question and Yibo rolled his eyes in answer. “Oh come on, don’t be like that.”

Xiao Zhan looked down the empty hall as if his gaze could travel around the corner into the living room where Mark was before turning back to crowd Yibo against the wall. 

“You’re the most addictive substance on Earth. He has gotten a whiff of it before. If you think he will ever get over it, you’re not as high on yourself as I thought you were!”

Except Yibo didn’t appear to have heard anything that came out of his mouth, as he pressed his mouth into the dip between Xiao Zhan’s clavicles, whispering, “Your sweat makes me crazy.”

It distracted him enough that his voice had gone husky when he said, “You’re biased.” Although this was not the first time that Yibo had gotten turned on from his sweat kink.

Yibo’s hands slipped under his suit jacket, wrapping around his waist, distracting him even more, and Xiao Zhan dropped his head to pull Yibo’s lips into a kiss.

It felt like only seconds passed before they heard the clearing of throat at the end of the hallway and Xiao Zhan pulled away.

“Hey Mark.” He said, walking in and greeting the other man. 

They had seen each other several times since that day back in his trailer on the movie set more than a year ago, although generally during small gatherings at Yibo’s place and never just the three of them.

Yibo rolled in the carry-on to his bedroom as Xiao Zhan walked into the kitchen. Mark moved back into the living room, which was separated from the kitchen only by an enormous island, the kitchen side of which had two burners and all the space for Xiao Zhan’s culinary experimentations. He opened the fridge and looked at what was inside that he could whip up into a quick dinner. 

“Oh no, you’re not. I have ordered some take-out from that sushi place that you like. Mark happens to like it too. I’m sure there will be enough for three.” Yibo swatted his hand away and closed the fridge after passing him the water bottle inside. 

Xiao Zhan thought that Mark would make some polite excuse to leave now that he was here, but that did not happen. For some reason, that made him feel better. 

“Be nice.” Yibo whispered behind him when the doorbell rang.

“I’m always nice.” He whispered back, sitting on the barstool next to the island while Mark hung out in the living room, keeping his eyes on something on the tv.

Yibo rolled his eyes as he went to get the takeout. 

There was a commotion at the front and then a loud voice, “Well, what’s the point of a surprise if I call ahead, you idiot?”

Xiao Zhan grinned broadly as he got off the barstool. That was a voice that he hadn’t heard in… two or three weeks.

And then Darren and his booming voice were inside the kitchen. “Well, if it isn’t the man who got away!” he threw his arms around Xiao Zhan in what for anyone else without Darren’s lanky body would be a bear hug.

“Damn, steady sex is working wonders. Look at the both of you, practically glowing with all the orgasms!”

“Darren Chen, we have company!” they heard Yibo behind him and Xiao Zhan grinned again, catching Darren’s eye. 

“We do?” Darren tilted his head and Xiao Zhan shrugged and then nodded to the living room. 

“Excuse him, he was dropped on the head as a baby.” Yibo said to Mark dragging Darren into the living room. 

Aside from seeing each other in passing during the movie shoot, Darren and Mark had not been formally introduced to each other as they had not been present at the same get-togethers at Yibo’s flat thus far. 

“This is Mark, a dear friend.” Yibo said to Darren and Xiao Zhan tried to be the adult and not roll his eyes. 

If Darren guessed which Mark this was, for once, he held his tongue, although when he shot a quick glance in Xiao Zhan’s direction a moment later, it was clear that he knew.

“You know who I am, don’t you Mark? These dimples are hard to forget.” Darren said, extending a hand in greeting.

Mark did not seem impressed by the cuteness and just nodded, giving a quick shake to the extended hand.

Darren was not used to lukewarm greetings, but in this case, he didn’t seem to mind, shrugging and focusing his attention back on Yibo.

“Are you too sexed up to text me, asshole?” 

“You’re ridiculous.” Yibo said, walking into the kitchen. Darren followed behind, murmuring, “You know, I just realized. That’s the same thing Lan Wanji says.” 

“Yea, because you’re a regular Wei Wuxian.”

“Is Xiao Zhan cooking?” Darren asked, opening the fridge. “Are you cooking?” He looked back at Xiao Zhan without waiting for Yibo to answer.

“He just got off an airplane. Give the man a break.” Yibo said, grabbing two beers from the fridge and passing it to each of them. “Mark, you want another one?” he called out.

“This is all you got? Beer? I want some wine.” Darren walked over to Yibo’s wine rack, perusing the collection there before grabbing two bottles.

The doorbell rang again and this time Yibo confirmed that it was indeed the take-out before walking away to get it, passing another beer to Mark in the process.

“He already got take-out?” Darren asked, finding the wipe opener with a familiarity borne of spending many a day in Yibo’s flat. In fact, after Xiao Zhan, Darren was likely the person who spent the most amount of time in Yibo’s flat. Sometimes, he even stayed there when Yibo was at Xiao Zhan’s, “because of central location and all.” 

“Yea, but it’s Sushi for two. So, we’ll probably need more food. I can cook something up quick. It’s not a big deal.” Xiao Zhan said, moving to the pantry to get the spices.

“Are you kidding me? He’ll rip me a new one if I make you cook after he expressly forbade it.”

“Oh please, he could care less.” Xiao Zhan smiled as he grabbed a pack of noodles and gestured to the refrigerator. “Look to see if he has any fresh produce in there.” 

Darren obliged, opening the refrigerator to take out bok choy and scallions as well as a carton of eggs even as he murmured, “Yibo drinks more vinegar than anyone else I know. He would have likely had me castrated already if he thought I was any sort of serious threat.” He dumped all the contents he gathered on the counter next to Xiao Zhan and leaned on it with his chin on a fist before batting his lashes and saying, “If not for Yibo, I would’ve totally had a chance.”

Xiao Zhan smiled indulgently, although it was evident that this last bit was only for Yibo’s sake, who dropped the take-out on the island unceremoniously before wiggling in between Xiao Zhan and Darren. 

“One of these days, I am going to sleep with you myself just so you can stop being so thirsty for him.” he said, grabbing a cutting board and a knife to start the chopping bit. 

Darren leaned close to Yibo’s face. 

“I’ll do it.” Xiao Zhan said, taking over the job while Yibo was distracted. 

Yibo let him while he returned Darren’s glare. 

“Well, okay baby boy, you’re on.” Darren smacked Yibo’s bottom before walking out of the kitchen and into the living room, loudly exclaiming in Mark’s direction. “I mean, out of the three of us, only I haven’t had the pleasure, and you both seem to have exceptional standards, so Yibo, I need to know what I’m missing out on.”

Yibo’s eyes widened as he looked at Xiao Zhan, who was just grinning. 

“Is there absolutely no filter between your brain and your mouth?” Yibo yelled out.

“Wait until I finish this wine and then I am going to quiz the both of you on what an insatiable nymphomaniac this prude really is in bed.” Darren said, flipping the channel. 

“Oh sorry, were you watching something?” he turned in Mark’s direction, only then noticing that Mark had a strange expression on his face.

Darren tilted his head in question.

“You’re unnecessarily vulgar.” Mark said. 

Xiao Zhan’s grin disappeared as Yibo rushed into the living room.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” Yibo reverted back to how he used to address Mark a long time ago. “Darren’s humor and honesty are… an acquired taste.” Yibo looked at Darren and rounded his eyes in intimation of _behave_. 

Darren seemed a bit crestfallen by the whole exchange, as if he had genuinely not expected to cause offense, particularly because he thought of Yibo as his own in some sense. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, his voice quiet now. And Yibo’s glance was back on Darren in an instant. He swung his eyes back to Xiao Zhan in alarm. 

Xiao Zhan tilted his head, watching. Darren was a grown man; he didn’t need others speaking for him. Also, any open siding with Darren on his part was only going to make Mark feel even more left out than he was likely already feeling, and whatever personal rivalry he felt towards Mark, he wasn’t in the habit of ganging up on people. 

Yibo squeezed Darren’s hand and looked back at Mark one more time before he took the now empty bottle from his hand. “I’ll get you another one.”

“No beer. I’ll have a glass of whatever he has.” Mark said, gesturing to Darren’s hand. It seemed almost conciliatory, and Darren appeared taken aback, looking down at his hand in surprise, and then looking back up at Mark, now offering a slight smile, wrapped up with apology, sincerity and all. 

Xiao Zhan watched the exchange. It’s in moments like this that Darren reminds him of Yibo. That disarming smile that is a string all the way into his sweet soul. If Mark wasn’t still in love with Yibo, he wouldn’t stand a chance.

He looked at Mark to see his reaction. And sees that he isn’t so immune to Darren after all. Maybe Yibo’s pull on him is weaker than it used to be. Or maybe age is catching up to him. Mark is only around two years older than him, which makes him around 36 or 37. If Xiao Zhan was guessing this correctly, Mark has been in love with Yibo a long time. There was only so much unrequited a heart could take before it had to move on or perish. 

Yibo came to stand next to him, filling a new wine glass for Mark with Darren’s choice of wine, watching the two of them out of the corner of his eye.

Xiao Zhan poked him in the hips and he looked up, lifting both eyebrows in question.

He just wanted to see his face, take in those features that he had missed over the past week, had rushed over here to see, and now faced with the possibility of several more hours before there is any privacy to have it all to himself.

He shook his head, dropped a quick kiss on Yibo’s lips and felt the slight catch of surprise, and then turned to the other side to cook up something to feed the guests. 

Between Sushi and noodles with vegetables and fried eggs, there is enough food to go around several times over, although the wine seems to take precedence over the food halfway through, the tension between Mark and Darren somehow moving from above the surface to just simmering below. Darren is not his usual boisterous self, which is a bit disheartening to witness for the two who are most dear to him. Xiao Zhan can tell that Yibo feels somehow responsible for the entire scenario as if he had personally crushed Darren’s spirit and attempts to liven him up with silly jokes and pokes. Yibo is also getting drunker in the process, Xiao Zhan can tell, those eyes becoming heavy lidded, the lashes falling over flushed cheeks. It’s all he can do not to walk around to the other side of the table to pull him off the stool and onto his lap. He loosens his tie, his wine glass only half empty. As if he can sense his thoughts, Yibo’s lashes lift slowly, his pupils almost fully blown out when they make eye contact.

“Fuck!” Darren exclaimed, plopping his head on the table. His voice is a little slurred, but he doesn’t let it stop him. “Sitting between the two of you is like taking an upper and a downer all at the same time.” “And no, I haven’t taken uppers or downers, and no, in my opinion, they wouldn’t neutralize each other.” he adds, defending himself against no one’s accusations. He lets that linger for a moment before he lifts his head and says to Mark, “If I stand in between them at just the right angle, I think I could spontaneously combust.” He looks at Xiao Zhan and then at Yibo, “How can you still not get tired of fucking each other? Like, hasn’t the novelty worn off? Even Romeo & Juliet would have gotten tired of each other by now if they hadn’t gotten too poison-happy!”

There’s a wide grin on Yibo’s lips as he reached over to smooth back Darren’s hair from his forehead. Then he got up from his chair and walked in between Darren and the table, climbing onto his lap. 

“Go ahead, do your best, Darren gege.” He winked, wrapping his legs around Darren’s hips, the stool shaking a bit as Darren tries to balance the sudden movement.

“You and your gege fetish.” Darren said, affection now flowing through as he leans his forehead against Yibo’s, looking less forlorn than he had before. 

“It doesn’t matter how many geges there are. In the end, he will always call out _Zhan Ge_.” Xiao Zhan heard then and turned to Mark in surprise.

He had missed how much Mark had had to drink. Two beers and two glasses of wine. That was bound to… cause some trouble.

“Oh yea?” Darren asked, putting both hands over Yibo’s ears and bringing him close to hide him into the crook of his neck as if this was sufficient to prevent Yibo from listening.

“Is that what happened to you? Yibo seduced you and then called out Xiao Zhan’s name in bed?” 

“Seduced me? Ha!” Mark scoffed. 

Yibo made to pull down Darren’s hands, but Darren kept them over his ears insistently.

“Wang Yibo has a secret.” Mark said then.

“Mark.” Xiao Zhan said his name, not so much a warning as an entreaty. Although an entreaty for what, he didn’t know.

“What? Do you know what I’m going to say, Xiao Zhan? You know what I know? You’ve figured it out already?” he leaned his chin on the heel of his hand and looked at Xiao Zhan. 

But whatever else Mark had been about to say returned to that space that was not ready for a confessional. Although he remembered. As he had remembered many times over many years. That first time, when Yibo had turned to him in bed, his hands and lips seeking, Mark had been too focused on all those years of pent up longing to realize that Yibo had never shown such interest in him before. But who said things couldn’t change? And maybe Yibo’s heartbreak with Xiao Zhan had finally changed things. Yibo could finally see who really loved him. 

He had been eager, fumbling, the smell of Yibo’s skin, hair, hell, every inch of him, making him blind to the fact that Yibo was not fully awake. He hadn’t realized it at all until he had heard it at the end, when Yibo had called out, “Zhan Ge” his eyes closed as he came. But it had also seemed to wake him up, and he had been half disoriented, half embarrassed, nervous apologies falling from his lips. “Hyung, I’m so sorry. Did I come onto you? I’m so sorry…”

He had held Yibo close in comfort, not wanting to meet his eyes, accepting the apology in silence. 

And in a single night, Mark had hit both the highest and lowest points in his life, just a half-hour apart.

“Yibo’s spirit-animal must be the wolf. He is mated for life.” Mark said now, drinking the last of his wine.

xxxx


	50. Zhen Qing Shi Gan

“Ready?” Darren asked from outside.

“Hmm… give me a second.” Yibo grabbed the last of the things from the closet. 

“When is Xiao Zhan getting here?” 

Yibo opened the door and put on his jacket. “Probably in like 5 minutes. Your car here?” 

“Not yet. I’ll say hi to Xiao Zhan before I leave.”

“Alright. Why don’t you come and stay at Xiao Zhan’s on Saturday though? We can all go to the premiere together.”

They were outside by then and whatever Darren had been about to say was interrupted by the whirring of a motorcycle getting louder.

“Who’s that?” Darren asked.

“I think he’s bringing the Tesla.” Yibo said instead, looking around for the car.

“Isn’t that a motorcycle though?” Darren asked.

“What? Yea, that’s a Ducati Scrambler Desert Sled.” He said off-handedly, looking around again before pausing to look back. 

_Wait. What?_

Darren turned to look at him and Yibo narrowed his eyes as he watched the approach of the motorcycle and the _tall_ form of the rider.

“Damn Yibo… I think I’m actually hard right now.” Darren mused out loud and Yibo’s eyes darted down to Darren’s pants before he caught himself and looked back up as the motorcycle finally slowed to a stop next to them.

“You brought the motorcycle?” Yibo asked in wonder. In the year and a half that they have been together, this is the one thing that Xiao Zhan had kept fully off-limits. Yibo still raced with the Yamaha team for the ARRC, although not as often as before, and Xiao Zhan was a huge supporter. Hell, the Zhan Group had even been a sponsor on occasion, although they had always made sure that it was only for races that Yibo was not competing in. But beyond racing, they frequently went on motorcycle rides together and in all that time, Xiao Zhan had never even let on that he knew how to ride a motorcycle much less than he owned one. Until Lisa had let it slip one day about six months ago. Yibo had been after him since then to show him the motorcycle and take him for a ride and Xiao Zhan had put off both for a while, offering vague excuses. Yibo had finally cornered him one day and demanded an answer and Xiao Zhan had admitted that the type of riding he did was not for relaxation so much. Yibo enjoyed closed-course racing and had never seriously considered off-road adventures or really anything that actually contained any sort of significant risk of injury. 

What Xiao Zhan described though was not risk of injury, but… “You could die doing that kinda shit.” Yibo had yelled.

“I haven’t yet.” Xiao Zhan had smiled.

“You think it’s funny?” Yibo had not been amused.

“No.” The smile had vanished. But then he had explained that some of why he had started riding in the first place was to take on an activity that he never would have done in his previous life. But then, once he started riding, he wanted to ride faster, higher, longer, the panic and anxiety that invaded other parts of his life back then receding during those hours. 

“My heart rate never really goes over 75 or 80 at most. Isn’t that strange?” he had asked Yibo.

“No, it’s not strange at all. You’re crazy like that.” Yibo had yelled back. He had added that Xiao Zhan was like Al Pacino in that scene from the Godfather when Michael Corleone realizes that his hand doesn’t shake when faced with a fucking impending shootout. “Only _I_ seem to make your heart go haywire. Everything else in the world, you can handle with no problem!” He had meant that literally, but then noticed Xiao Zhan looking at him in that way of his and had then climbed on him to kiss the living daylights out of him. 

Once he got over the initial shock, he had wanted Xiao Zhan to take him along for a ride, and that idea had been shot down immediately.

“Why not?” 

“You want to go on a fucking mountain ride with me? You know how dangerous those curves are? I could literally take us off the edge!” 

“I thought you said you were fine doing it!”

“Yea, by myself, not with precious fucking cargo in the back!”

“Don’t try to sweettalk your way out of this!”

“What if I have a panic attack in the middle of it?” Because of you, Xiao Zhan hadn’t added, but of course, that was the real fear, wasn’t it. He could take Darren, no problem. He just couldn’t take Yibo.

And that had quieted Yibo down. For a few days.

“Okay, we don’t have to go on bullshit cliff rides. We could just ride through a regular, normal road. Yea?”

“Yea.” 

“Yea?” he has asked again, just to make sure.

“Yea.” Xiao Zhan had affirmed again. That had been three weeks ago. 

“So, when do I get to ride this thing?” he was brought back to the present when he heard Darren ask Xiao Zhan, who was in the middle of taking off his helmet.

“Whenever you want. But I have to let this one inaugurate the back seat.” Xiao Zhan turned to Yibo and winked, “You up for a regular boring ride back home?” 

Yibo walked closer to inspect. The bike looked entirely different from the racing bikes he had, of course, but he was more interested in the rider, his long legs clad in worn denim and Tims and an even more worn leather jacket on top. The helmet was almost jet black. 

“I don’t have my helmet though.” He said, keeping his voice in check and deliberately directing his gaze away from Xiao Zhan and to the bike. 

“Oh, I have it right here.” Darren brought his backpack to the front, pulling out his helmet from the back.

He looked at Darren, surprised.

“Why do you think I was hanging around way past my fitting time? And my car has been here for at least a half hour.” He nodded in the direction of the parking lot and indeed, Yibo could now see Darren’s car there waiting.

Darren came over in the guise on putting the helmet on his head, but then whispered, “Try not to poke him in the back with that hard-on. It’s going to distract him.” 

“Shut up.” He muttered back.

“Your eyes are all blown out, son.” Darren grinned wide before stepping back, tugging on the buckle under Yibo’s chin to make sure that it was secure.

“Saturday then?” 

Yibo nodded.

Once Darren left, he got on behind Xiao Zhan. He was sure that Xiao Zhan was speaking, but he couldn’t hear anything beyond a loud sort of drumming in his ears. Xiao Zhan’s hair was in a half pony tail in the back, the portion underneath had a buzz cut and its neat edge on the bottom revealed the line of that neck beyond the gape of the jacket. He could smell him, leather and something else that made the drumming get louder in his head. 

“Ready?” he heard vaguely as Xiao Zhan put the helmet back on. 

He didn’t know if he said yes, but they were on their way within a moment.

The wind was a rush and the roads easy, but he couldn’t really focus on much except the long line of Xiao Zhan’s thighs and the hardness of those tapered hips against his knees. They were in Xiao Zhan’s garage before long and once the door closed and the helmets came off, the air seemed to change too, as if Xiao Zhan knew what state he was in. 

He sat on the back, without moving to get off, but instead moved closer, pressing his erection into Xiao Zhan’s back. He leaned up to sink his teeth into that slope of the neck now visible to him just under the hairline. He heard the hitch in Xiao Zhan’s breath. He loved that sound. Knew that meant Xiao Zhan’s eyes had fallen closed. His arms went around Xiao Zhan and he ran one hand down to feel… fuck… there it was…

“Lean back” he whispered in Xiao Zhan’s ear as he unzipped the leather jacket and then worked down the zipper of those jeans. 

Xiao Zhan’s head had fallen back against his shoulder and Yibo buried his face into every inch of skin he could feel, one hand now sliding up the 11 line of his abs, which were quivering given how he was leaning back on the narrow seat of the bike. The other hand lowered the boxer briefs and reached for the hard length inside, the both of them groaning at the same time when it was out.

“I love you so fucking much…” he growled, biting a sensitive earlobe and feeling Xiao Zhan’s whole body shudder in one long wave when his hands moved up and down rhythmically.

“Yibo…” his name came out in a hoarse whisper when Xiao Zhan came all over the top of the fuel tank in front of him and Yibo wrapped his arms tight around him, pressing his lips to the sharp cut of that jawline. 

After his breath had come back to normal, Xiao Zhan grabbed and pulled him to the front so that he was straddling his hips. He was still hard and his dick pressed into Xiao Zhan’s belly. 

Xiao Zhan’s eyes were heavy-lidded still and he leaned up now to say in a husky voice, “If I knew that was waiting, I would have brought this out a long time ago.”

Yibo smirked. “It didn’t cross your mind all this time that I would be turned on by you on a bike? _Do you even know me_?”

Xiao Zhan smiled, making Yibo’s hard-on more insistent, which wiped that smile right off. “How about we put my mouth to good use?” he asked.

His dick twitched, entirely too excited at the prospect, but Yibo shook his head.

“I want to fuck you.” He said instead.

And there it was, Xiao Zhan’s pupils expanded even more, darkening those brown eyes completely. 

“I thought you were a power bottom?” he asked, his smile returning. 

“I’m about to be a power top too.” Yibo answered, grinding his cock in even more. 

“Promises, promises.”

“Fuck, you know I always deliver.” 

Xxxxxxx

“So after all that bullshit about you not being a catamaran man, here we find ourselves on a catamaran, you in white linen lounge pants and no shirt showing off all that glorious tan, and out there a whole host of bodies, a sizable number of them in spectacular shape, clad in only swimwear. I believe that is a drink with an olive in your hand.” He looked at Lisa as she smirked at him, she herself clad in a white swimsuit and a white sarong, the only color a large red flower on her side-parted hair. 

He looked out onto the deck and saw all the people up there, most with drinks in their hands. Everyone had varying shades of tan happening, and everyone wore white, whatever they were wearing, although no one looked as good as…

“Fuck, even in white swim trunks and blending in with the rest of the white swim trunks, your husband is a God.” Lisa said in awe.

“As if Gods are defined by their looks.” He murmured, although, his mouth positively watered at the sight of Yibo’s sculpted body, literally sparkling in the afternoon sun to rival the rays reflecting off the white surface of the catamaran. He was laughing along with Darren and Mark, who were still not telling the world that they were dating as if this was a big secret no one could figure out, and Singer. The rest of the group consisted of several of his own friends from college and the business world, Liu Haikuan, Yu Bin, Ji Li, Wang Zhuocheng, Xuan Lu, and, of course, all of Yibo geges, the ttxs geges, the motorcycle geges, the skateboard geges, jeezus, there were geges coming out of the woodwork.

The actual wedding held two days ago had been a larger affair, with all their families and a broader group of friends, this being the whittled down group that was sailing on the catamaran that he had chartered for the day. Tomorrow evening, they had to catch a flight to Iceland for a weeklong getaway. Calling it a honeymoon seemed cheesy, but he guessed by definition that’s what it would be. 

“Every part of him is insured, especially that smirk.” Paige said now, turning from the bar with her own drink, this one with pineapples, mini umbrellas, the whole enchilada. She handed a similar one to Lisa. 

“You don’t think it’s become insufferable since the wedding? The smiling, I mean? It’s kind of incessant and excessive, don’t you think?” Lisa asked, nodding thanks for the drink.

“Oh, it’s nauseating. Ugh! And to think, how he cried that day when he came back from this one’s apartment! Asked me if he was going to die and everything.” 

His ears perked up at this.

“When?” Lisa asked.

“Oh, way back when. Right before, you know…” she hushed her voice now, as if he couldn’t hear. “shit hit the fan.”

“Why? what happened to Yibo?” 

“Oh, you know, this one must have torn his poor heart out. He just lay in bed crying for like three days. Didn’t eat. Didn’t shower. Asked me if I thought people died from this sort of thing.”

“Aww… poor thing.” Lisa murmured.

“I know, I had half a mind to call you to sue him. Bambi-eyed bully.”

He gave them both a side-eyed grin. This was not new. They had fast become friends and were now basically like family. And by family, he meant that the both of them felt entirely free to discuss him and Yibo and anything else they damn well pleased in front of them anytime. Although this was the first time he had heard this story. 

He looked back in Yibo’s direction now. He had been smiling at something Liu Haikuan said, although a moment later, Yibo looked this way, his smile disappearing when he saw Xiao Zhan’s expression. 

“I’m just going to grab something from downstairs.”

He headed below deck to their cabin, which admittedly, for such a short trip was only really to change in the event anyone wanted to jump in the ocean for a quick swim, which no one had as yet, content to enjoy the drinks and food and sun abovedeck. 

He only waited five minutes before Yibo came into the cabin, shutting and locking the door behind him.

And he barely had to say anything before Yibo practically leaped on top of him, sending him tumbling backwards onto the bed.

“Did Lisa and Paige see you?” he asked, rolling with Yibo so that he was he was beneath him.

“Not only did they see, they even gave a time limit.” Yibo answered, pulling down his pants hurriedly.

“What? How much time?” he asked, pulling off Yibo’s shorts.

“Fifteen minutes.” And then Yibo was pulling him down to ravage his mouth, hungry and needy. This was the first time they had had any time alone with each other since the wedding, other than the few hours of catnapping the last two nights, often dead asleep before their bodies even hit the bed.

“We can do fifteen minutes.” He said, wrapping Yibo’s legs around him to grind against him.

Yibo pulled his mouth onto his neck, saying gruffly, “Bite me hard.”

“Fuck baby, it’s too hot for make-up or a turtle neck.”

“Mark me up somewhere. Isn’t that the sort of thing husbands do?” he asked, raising his entire body up to press them together.

“On your back? Belly? Chest? Thighs?” there was a growl with the last one.

Ultimately, the mark ended up on the inside of Yibo’s arm, just under the triceps, safe and snug. 

“What brought that on?” Yibo asked once they were sweaty, sated, and in each other’s arms. Well over fifteen minutes had lapsed, though no one had yet to come to check. 

“Just a story that Paige said.” He murmured, kissing underneath’s Yibo’s ears, one of his favorite spots in the world.

“What story?” 

“Oh, something about how you wondered if you would die from a broken heart… something like that.”

Yibo turned to him. “She is sharing such stories in public? I really need to have a chat when I renew her contract.”

“I thought her contract was for life.”

“Yea, but she doesn’t need to know that.” Yibo smiled, turning around in his arms again so that he was being spooned from the back.

“But even Paige doesn’t know that you have erotic dreams where you actually let me have sex with you.” He whispered in his ear, tightening his hold.

“I thought we agreed to never talk about it.”

“Even if you want me to do it.”

Yibo flushed all along his neck.

“And you’re so much more needy when you’re not all awake.” 

“We agreed…” Yibo started again and Xiao Zhan stopped him, laughing, “Sorry sorry…”

After a minute, he asked, “Do you remember it though? When you wake up?” 

“If I wake up in the middle of it, then yea.” 

“Otherwise?”

“Otherwise, it gives me a high all day when I remember parts of it throughout the day.” 

That got him another kiss.

They lay like that for awhile after, enjoying the quiet and the warmth, Yibo at one point putting both their hands up together to look at their rings again, flat plain platinum bands wide enough to fit the matching inscriptions inside. It had been Xiao Zhan’s idea and one that had melted Yibo’s insides all over again, like his husband did at regular intervals.

It said, _Zhen Qing Shi Gan_.

(THE END)

Well dear readers, we have come to the end of this journey. It’s been a minute since I last wrote you anything. I’m sorry I don’t individually reply to every comment, sometimes I feel too much engagement on my part (or getting to know _my_ voice) ruins a bit of the magic of the story. You know what I mean? 

Either way, thank you for sticking with me and these two all this while, and allowing me to share my little fantasies ;)

I hope you derived some pleasure from reading it. Do comment if you did (and even if you didn’t). 

Lots of love,

Devi


	51. review/summary

Post-Script:

Dear Readers:

It turns out I'm passable at pumping out almost 100,000 words of angst, but cannot write a decent summary to save my life. So, if any of you faithful (read: patient) readers who have been along with me on this journey would like to leave a brief summary of this story, I would be sincerely grateful. You could add a review as well, if you would like, that way the final review is on here rather than as part of the last chapter. This is of course my way of shamelessly getting all my articulate, verbose, thoughtful, (maybe silent) readers to contribute, make your mark on this story (only if it left a mark on you, of course).

I have given you my part, so now here's to yours (Salud).

Also, I have having a bit of withdrawal. I had started an FF on WangXian in the hopes of easing the withdrawal, but it's turning out to be not so easy. Embarking on this journey got me through quarantine, but now that it's ended, it's a bit like staring into a void; I can see the other side, but I don't know if I want to jump over as yet (sort of like my obsession with yizhan).

So, I thought I would turn to you.

Love,

Devi


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